This issue is silly. Mostly. Thank You.
Like Spite Grrrl 4, this issue owes it's existence to Chris
Gumprich. It's all his fault! He started it! -)
Thanks again for the reviews guys:
H. Jameel al Khafiz
Jamas Enright
Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler
Ian Porell
Pam VanMuijen
=========================================================================
DERELICT Press Presents
The sixth issue of
/~~\/~~\ {] /~~\ (^^^ || ***** /~~\
/ /\/\ \ [) ~\__ (^^ || ,' ~\__
/__/ \__\ (} \__/ ( || ', \__/
" HAHAHAHAHaHaHaHaHahahahahaha! "
A psuedo-Acraphobe title
._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._._.
Close-up of Brittany looking determined. Around her beakers and test
tubes are scattered across the floor. A huge black shadow of someone with
their head thrown back, laughing, is cast across the page.
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
The Evil Scientist has been done to death, and has been
parodied to death. I challenge anyone to come up with a unique twist
on the Mad Evil Scientist Dude.
--- RACC REVIEWS #3, Christopher Gumprich
I'm sorry. I had to do it. I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF!
--- Me
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()
" Soon! Soon! All Net.ropolis will be mine! Ha! So there," said
the previously and still unidentified lab-coated figure. It stood
triumphantly in a room crammed full of laboratory equipment and tables,
stray papers and trash covering the floor from wall to wall. The
round room was dominated by a giant telescope poking through a slit in
the roof. The figure stayed in the triumphant pose for a while, then,
growing bored of it turned the radio to a country western station and
with dramatic flair, began to electric slide.
-=ð=- -=ð=-
Once, in the early days of Net.ropolis, the Oedrannus Foundation
Observatory enjoyed a small amount of fame. Situated on a small rise in
ground level, it recieved the best view of the stars for miles around,
and the distant town was too small to affect the darkness of the night.
Scientists came and went, a few discoveries were made, and everyone was
happy. But the tiny city that was to be Net.ropolis grew quickly, and
soon it's outer edge swept around the Observatory, streetlights and cars
drowning out the night sky and shutting down the organization
permanently. How can the stars be watched when only three or four showed
up every night? It was then that one of the Oedrannus Observatory's
resident scientists, Mr.Caiyli, commited suicide. The man had a record of
suicide attempts in the past, and he finally succeeded, affixing a blade
to the telescope itself and impaling himself upon it. For weeks
afterwards ghostly moanings and crashes were heard from inside, and the
city abandoned the plans they had had for demolition. Nobody wanted to
live on haunted land, especially not in the Looniverse as one tended to
end up possessed by demons so some hero could come in and save the day.
And the the observatory was left abandoned at the end of the street,
aquiring the reputation that old run-down buildings tend to aquire,
especially when there really were ghosts about.
Through the decades a few occultists arrived, attempting to
befriend, exorcise, or in one strange case, be possessed by the Old
Observatory Ghost. One trenchcoated woman by the name of Sharon LaGrent
entered the building and in short order returned, declaring the ghost
gone. She disapeared utterly a few days later, and the ghost has never
been seen since. Many believe it's still up there though, waiting...
It was to the Old Observatory that our heroes were heading the
morning after the culinary horror that had been kitchen duty, the LNH
flight.thingee soaring across the skies. The reported Mad Scientist
seemed to have taken up residence there, and any number of strange noises
and explosions had been heard in the past few nights. Fuzzy brought the
thingee down gently at the end of the street, throwing it into park at
the end of the Observatory's driveway.
Brittany was the first off, goldfish and bowl in hand as she
exited the transport. Her trenchcoat, torn in their last adventure had
been patched with neon blue, clashing horribly against the bright orange
fabric of the rest of the trenchcoat. Paytan was next, her normal self in
streetclothes and a foul mood. Savannah ran into the doorjamb and had to
be helped out by California Kid, grumbling inaudibly about having to work
on her focusing. Fuzzy was the last off, slamming the door behind her and
leading the way up the Observatory's massive driveway and to it's front
door.
" Well," she said," here we go. Remember, this person, being a
Mad Scientist, isn't going to be the most stable of folks. But he hasn't
actually done anything yet, so we're just going to go in and ask politely
if everything's alright, and warn him about taking up residence in
abandoned buildings. Be nice, but keep your eyes for ground-shattering
laser weapons and such, oka - Yipe!" shouted Fuzzy, throwing herself away
from the door as a laser blast shot through it and by her, missing by
only a few inches. The ground shattered.
" Well, that answers that question," muttered Paytan as she
flattened herself against the wall. Brittany dropped to the ground and
started a slow crawl through the side of the doorway. Savannah saw Brit
drop and followed suit, lying as flat as she could on the cement
driveway. California Kid ran over to Fuzzy.
" Yo, dudette! Is everything cool?"
" I'm fine," groaned Fuzzy. "Damn villains."
From the beginning of the hallway Brittany took careful aim with
one of her rock-filled fish and sent it whirling towards the laser. With
it's signature clunk-thok the plush fish bounced off the wall about a
foot away from the laser. Brittany sighed and swore to herself that just
as soon as they got home she'd be practicing her pitches. The laser fired
again, grinding slowly across ground towards where Savannah lay,
oblivious.
" Savannah," yelled Paytan,"move forwards quick! The laser!"
" What?"
" MOVE FORWARDS!"
Savannah dragged her knees up underneath her and scrambled
towards the doorway, her gaze locked on Brittany. A few seconds after she
got out of the laser's path it ground by, disintigrating huge chunks of
the ground. Fuzzy stood and ran into the building towards the laser,
laughing as it's targetting systems tried to track her while she was
moving. The thing might have been good enough to aim while she was
standing still, but when the net.heroine set her will to it, the machine
hadn't a chance in hell. A minute later Fuzzy had wrenched some of the
power packs and wire out of the machine, and it quietly stopped
functioning. The LNHers stood at the hallway junction, long empty
hallways stretching away in both directions with no distinguishable
marks. Paytan sighed.
" Binky says we should go left," said Brit, and grinned as she
leaned down to pick up the previously mis-fired plush fish. Fuzzy
shrugged.
" Good a direction as any," she said. "C'mon guys, let's go." And
off they went.
-=ð=- -=ð=-
" I can't belive she's dead," whispered Explosion Boy. He sat in
the hospital's waiting room, face stunned and tearstreaked. He felt empty
inside. Kid Camouflage had put her head in her arms a while ago, and
hadn't responded to anyone since. Maybe it was her way of grieving, he
didn't know. The four teens who had tried to save them sat huddled around
him, a boy and two girls whose names he hadn't caught, and a sixteenish
black girl who'd introduced herself as Rebecca Drayer.
" I'm sorry," said Rebecca softly," we should have gotten there
in time." She put a hand on his shoulder, and dropped her eyes. "Dammit,
we should have run those red lights, we knew that guy would get to you
soon, and we should have _hurried_ more than we did."
" You didn't know," said 'Plosion. "I should have spotted it too.
I should have - "
" Dammit, should have, would have, could of, it doesn't matter
now!" said KC, raising her head to glare from red-rimmed eyes at the five
of them," She's dead and there's nothing we can do about it! We don't
even know any deities to sell our souls to to bring her back, like all
the good heroes." Then she stopped for a second, eyes widening, and
turned to Rebecca. "But we do know one thing. Who tried to kill her? Who
was that guy behind the counter?" Rebecca lowered her head.
" He won't tell us."
" Who?"
" Mr.Fossavellus."
" And for good reason too," said the man in a black trenchcoat
from where he had walked up behind them all. He held a cup of coffee in
his hands, it's steam drifting up around his sunglasses and fogging them
a little. He pulled up a chair and sat down, leaning forward with his
hands folded together earnestly. "Those who know Their name do not live
long without protection. We must talk."
" I'm not talking until you tell me who that schmuck who poisoned
Floatation Girl was," growled KC.
" Listen to me," said the man in a black trenchcoat," You two are
still very much in danger. It would be unsafe for you to stay in this
city, or to even go home at all. They've probably staked out or
booby-trapped your homes by now, and if you stay here long enough then
they'll find you anyways. They have eyes and ears in many unexpected
places. My organization can offer you protection, and safety." He looked
towards Explosion Boy. "A place to heal. I can give you training, and
wealth. Friendship like that you found among yourselves, until it was
shattered by Them. A good deal, you think?" Explsoion Boy nodded slowly.
" What exactly is the name of this organization of yours?" he
asked. The man in the black trechcoat smiled a little.
" The Brotherhood of Net.Villains."
" WHAT?!" yelled Explosion Boy as he and KC leaped to their feet
as one, panicking. "You must be out of your mind! Somebody call the LNH!"
He yelled at the secretary, who stared at him open-mouthed.
" And what have the heroes done for you lately?" asked the man in
the black trenchcoat softly. "What have they done for you at all? You are
thrown against your will into the Zomkick Crisis, your minds controlled
and lives endangered, and do the heroes hang around afterwards and help
you recover? Oh yes, they got you out of the problem, but then they left
you to rot. Not their problem after all, and they had worlds to save
while you lived on a small bit of pay, hoping for the day when one of
_them_ would deign to come down and pick one of _you_ from the herd. Were
_they_ there, trying to help you when you were attacked by an assassin
attempting to kill all three of you? They don't even know Floatation Girl
is dead, and but for a passing moment of sadness, they don't care. Her
life is nothing to them, and neither are yours. We, on the other hand,
care. If we didn't we wouldn't be here, and neither would you. You'd be
dead, just as poisoned as poor Float." Explosion Boy continued to back
away, looking for a place he and KC could use to corner them until the
LNH got here to take the villains away. Then KC grabbed his arm.
" He's right you know," she said and 'plosion froze,
stunned,"What have they ever done for us, huh? Think about it. We're like
their lap dogs. I say we go with the guy." She thrust a thumb towards the
man in the black trenchcoat, who smiled at them casually and stood from
the chair. The four teens behind him relaxed. Explosion Boy shook his
head and began to speak, but Rebecca interrupted him.
" Guys," she said, looking up from a bunch or tiles she had
spilled onto the floor,"we have to get out of here. Something dangerous
is going to happen in a few minutes. I mean like, really dangerous." The
man in the black trenchcoat nodded.
" We'll have to continue this discusion elsewhere," he said,"
Rebecca is right. By now our location is by now known to Them, and we
must escape. Come." He turned and headed down the corridor, Rebecca, KC,
and the other three teens turning to follow him. Explosion Boy looked
after them helplessly, then turned as he heard a yell behind him. A man
at the other end of the room was pointing at him, pulling a handgun from
beneath his coat. Four more people were crowding in the door behind him,
all armed. 'plosion took off down the hall after the man in the black
trenchcoat, a shot ringing out from behind to speed him on.
-=ð=- -=ð=-
Savannah stumbled down the long hallway after Brittany, Paytan,
Fuzzy, and California Kid. Her focus point centered on the back of
Paytan's head, following it like a beacon. Deep brown hair shining dully
in the faint light provided by the windows set at either end of the
hallway, parted messily of to the side with a few broken strands of hair
drifting out of the tight ponytail they had been tied back into. The tie
itself was a grungy white, made of some sort of yarn woven about an
elastic piece - which suddenly veered to the right. Savannah threw her
hand out and made contact with the wall, following it unsteadily until
she made it around the corner, and lapsed back into short shuffling
steps, hoping that they weren't heading for any steps.
She hated this. She had minor bruises and scrapes all over her
body from running into what seemed like every stationary object on the
planet. Doorways, chairs, tables, steps, vending machines, Super Apathy
Lad, you name it. She'd already tripped over everything in the LNHHQ
twice. And it wasn't like she was any use once they got onto a battle
field - half the time she didn't even know they'd found the villain yet.
She sighed. If only she could be useful just once...
-=ð=- -=ð=-
His name was Brian. Brian Haykman, though everybody knew him as
Explosion Boy. And he was running, out of breath down a small suburban
street. People seemed to do a lot of running, these days. The man in the
black trenchcoat was in the lead, seeming to glide over the ground, his
legs hardly even moving. Kid Camouflage was close behind him, followed by
Rebecca and the other three, whose names he hadn't managed to catch. A
shot rang out behind them, a bullet whanging of the ground nearby and
sending chips of pavement flying. They kept running. Their killers kept
gaining.
And then, as if a light from on high had decided to shine down
from heaven, as if something, somehwere, had told the universe to give
the kids a break, they rounded the corner to seetheir salvation before
them.
A new-issue, superfast, T-pack powered, laser-weaponed, armored,
heavily insuranced, Model 23-50 Lightning (c) Kirbytech Inc., LNH
flight.thingee. Unlocked.
-=ð=- -=ð=-
" Binky says it should be right about...here," said Brit as they
rounded the corner, coming to an abrupt halt. At the other end of the
hallway was a large metal door, with light peeking around it's edges and
creeping out into the hallway. Binky had swum up to the front of his
fishbowl, and seemed to be looking uncertainly down the hallway. Brittany
patted his bowl comfortingly. Behind her Paytan had brought Dirmarw up
into a defensive position and Fuzzy motioned for silence. California Kid
stopped just before he ran into Paytan's back, but Savannah kept going
directly into him, sending them both falling onto Paytan. The three of
them went down with a crash. Fuzzy groaned quietly. Brit turned and
raised an eyebrow at the pile of net.heroes.
" Twister?" she asked.
" No, not Twister! Will you yutzes get off me?" growled Paytan,
elbowing California Kid in the ribs. He groaned and rolled off her, and
onto Savannah, who yelped.
" Whoa, dudette! Sorry! This is so totally untubular! Here, you
need a hand? See, everything's cool." He grabbed Savannah's hand and
helped her up. Paytan groused and got to her feet.
" Well," she said,"there goes surprise."
From behind the door something exploded, plaster flaking off the
ceiling above them and floated gently to the floor. Loud cursing could be
heard from within, overwhyelming the faint backround tones of a country
western song. Fuzzy took glanced behind her at the slightly bedraggled
net.heros then ahead to the door and the presumed prescence of their
villain and shrugged.
" Oh well. Onwards, net.heroes! To battle!" she screamed and
charged down the hallway, California Kid right behind her. Brittany
watched them for a second with widened eyes then hefted Binky and headed
after them, Savannah shuffling along behind her. Paytan growled something
incoherent and followed behind them.
They burst into the room in a semi-coherent group, Fuzzy and
Brittany taking the lead. The iron door banged loudly against the wall
and began to swing back inwards until Fuzzy stuck her foor in front of
it. The rest of the group crowded in behind them, peering uncertainly
into the room. Clutter covered the tables and floor, anything from
scientific journals to candy wrappers to butterfly magnets thrown about
randomly. In the corner a small boom box was tuned to a country western
station, blaring songs tinnily out into the room. Beakers and test tubes
filled with substances every color of the rainbow, boiling and freezing,
condensing or evaporating, covered all the tables even dropping
occasionally down onto the floor. It was like a huge glass forest, some
beaker, Bunsen burner, and evaporating tube configurations reaching as
high as the giant domed ceiling. Some of the floor setups clustered like
crystal shrubs around the legs of the tables, condensation pipes dropping
downwards to the ground, giant glass vines. But this man-made garden
seemed utterly deserted, the only sounds those of the boom box and the
bubbling of beakers.
" Hey, if there's anybody there, this is the LNH talking! You've
got to give yourself up at once, or else!" called Fuzzy, her voice
ringing around the glass creations and echoing throughout the room for a
full minute before it finally died away. Nothing happened. Brittany took
a few steps into the room and casually picked up a beaker, squinting into
the redish milky substance it held. California Kid wandered in too, and
began to poke at one of the glass shrub configurations on the floor.
Paytan leaned against the doorway, Savannah standing just behind her as
Fuzzy began to search for signs of an escape passageway or getaway
vehicle.
Then, from the distant end of the lab, where the light fixtures
did not reach, and the chemical setups were few and far between, someone
began to chuckle quietly. The laugh began slowly, but soon the glassware
picked it up and began to vibrate, sending it echoing into the room. The
laugh built into a high mad cackle, echoes sending it reverbrating back
and forth and back again through the room until the whole building seemed
to howl and vibrate.
From the shadows stepped a woman in a gaudy flowing skirt and
peasant blouse, with big jangling earrings and a lab coat on. Her blond
hair was tied back in a tight ponytail, and a pair of glasses hung
loosely around her neck. Paytan swung up her sword, preparing to charge
forwards, until she realized that the strange twisted wand the Mad
Scientista held was some type of weapon, and that it was pointed directly
at her midriff. Fuzzy froze, eyes darting left and right, searching for a
weakness in the Mad Scientista's demeanor. Savannah stood staring vaguely
out into space. California Kid muttered something about the untubularness
of the situation. Brittany's jaw hit the floor.
" I have you now, Net.Heroes!" laughed the woman. "My cameras
watched your every move. Did you think I wouldn't be prepared? I was
prepared! You plots are ruined, and my way to greatness is clear. I can
TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE!! HAHAHAHAHAHaHaHaHaHahahahaha! No one can stop me
now! I am unstoppable! For am I not - "
" Aunt JoDean!" yelled Brittany. The woman stopped, squinted at
Brit, then fumbled for a pair of spectacles around her neck. It took her
a second to get them on, during which Brit was jumping around exitedly,
trying to work her way around the Deathwand.
" Well I'll be," said the woman " It's Brittany!" She dropped the
wand to the ground with a clatter and threw her arms around Brittany
while everybody else tried to adapt themselves to the abrupt change in
situation. After a few minutes of exited and utterly incoherent
chattering between the two, they pulled away from each other and Brit
shook a finger at her Aunt.
" You shouldn't be trying to take over the world Aunt Jo. You
_know_ how it flusters people." Brit's Aunt looked downcast.
" Well, your Uncle Bob has gone off agin on that hobby of his,"
she grew indignant, looking towards Fuzzy for support. "If your husband
had this crazy hobby involving big laser weapons, would you hang around
when he got invovled with them again? I wouldn't, and I'm not. _I'm_
trying to do something constructive, thank you very much!"
" You're trying to take over the world," said Fuzzy.
" Exactly! Now isn't that constructive, as compared to building
big Cableguns out in the silo? Isn't it? I think it is. At least I might
have something other than large patches of burnt grass to show for my
work. A small country perhaps, I don't know. Humph. But that brings us
back to the here and now! Brittany Marcelyn Reeves, what are you doing
here? Last I heard you were in New York with Yule, trying to fix up that
girl in a coma! Why are you here, and in costume nonetheless?" Brit
raised an eyebrow.
" I sent you as letter a while ago that explained everything.
You'd probably left already and Uncle Bob never checks the mail, so it's
probably still in the box," she sighed. "It's a kind of complicated
story. A day or two to tell, you know the type. Oh! Um, this is Paytan,
and that blurry sport there is Fuzzy, the guy with the blond hair is
California Kid, and that's Savannah," saud Brit, pointing as she went. At
the mention of her name Savannah looked up.
" Huh?" she said, taking in the lady with the strange clothes and
the lab coat on. Then her eyes widened a little, and she dropped her gaze
downwards. "Oh," she whispered,"I wasn't paying attention again. I'm
sorry. I - I'm going to go outside, for a minute or two. Fresh air, you
know. That type of thing." She turned and hlaf-ran from the room, one
hand against the wall to keep her headed in the right direction. Brit
cursed.
" Ummm, Aunt Jo, I'll be back in a sec. 'Vana's the girl in the
coma, you remember her, right? She'll probably get lost or something, and
she's kinda bummed right now..." Brit headed out with Binky in tow,
grabbing Paytan just as she was opening her mouth to make a sarcastic
comment and dragging her along. Silence fell on the room. And evidently
had a lot of trouble getting back up again, as minutes passed in silence.
Finally JoDean grinned cheerfully and swept a beeker of dark brown
bubbling substance off an icepack.
" Well then, how is the heroing life these days? Good buissness?"
she held up the beaker,"Care for a soda?"
-=ð=- -=ð=-
Brittany, Savannah, and Paytan stood outside, staring. The
flight.thingee was already fading, heading out over the horizon in a
streak of metal and fire.
" I don't think Fuzzy's going to like this very much," said Brit.
" Damn right," muttered Paytan and sat down on the curb. " So how
are we getting back to headquarters, hitchhicking or walking? And what
are we going to do about your Aunt?"
Brit sighed and sat down next to her. She raised the fishbowl up
to eyes level and shook it gently. "Well Binkers, do you think you can
help with this one?"
But the goldfish simply burbled on, oblivious.
_________________________________________________________________________
Binky, Dirmarw, Out-of-It Lass, Perdition, Rebecca Drayer and Weirdness
Girl, copyright Jennifer Whitson, 1995. Fuzzy is Public Domain.
Floatation Girl, Kid Camouflage, and Explosion boy are pretty much mine,
originally Mike Escutia's. California Kid is Public Domain. If anyone
really wants to use Aunt JoDean as a villain, then just write me. Until
then she'll go home. These things just keep getting longer, don't they?
NEXT ISSUE:
The Subplot That Will Not Die is finally dealt with. Yay!
Ooooo, look Ma, villains.
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P.S. Yes, a female Mad Scientist is referred to as a Mad Scientista,
though she may not be Spanish in origin. At least in my book
anyways.
------
.sig is living in jungle with pack of wolves and refuses to come back.
