Hello everybody! Remember that AOLer a while back who called dibs on
Fuzzy and Nit-Pik Lad, then promptly disapeared off the face of the
earth? Well, you probably don't, but I'm back anyways, and with a first
issue. Which probably pushes the current total of LNH titles to an even
more unbelievable height, oh well.....
Well, here goes. Feedback, criticisms, encouragement, discouragement
welcome. Thanks for reading. =)
This issue is dedicated to:
Russ Allberry for all the ungzipping suggestions 'n stuff
wReam, for the Ultimate Ninja correction
Martin Phipps and Patricia Wright for the helpful suggestions
LOULA@hep.* for the Nit-Pik Lad/Fuzzy scenes
Thank You
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DERELICT Press Presents
The first issue of
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" Just Another Hole In The Lawn "
A psuedo-Acraphobe title
Fuzzy lay sprawled in the rec.lounge, feet propped lazily up on a
stray footstool as she watched television. Time-Waster Lad was deeply
engrossed in the current commercial, humming along with it's theme-song
and swaying back and forth. Procrastination Lad sat quietly debating
whether to get a late night snack, or wait just a little longer... as he
had been for the past two days. Halfway down the hall, Super Apathy Lad
was moving slowly but surely towards the lounge, returning from a trip to
the bathroom a week or two ago. Someone had placed yellow warning signs
and orange cones around him in the interim, but he didn't seem to mind.
It had been a long, and for once uneventful, day at LNHHQ. Most
of the heavy and minor leagers were recovering from the the spate of
recent crossovers, which left Fuzzy and sundry to themselves for a while
with the telly. Kyoko Ishikawa, the LNH receptionist for the first half
of the night, had pulled a chair into the doorway and was watching with
them, for lack of anything better to do. All in all it was a quiet night,
which, in true comic book fashion, was about to change.
-=ð=- -=ð=-
Out in front of the LNHHQ building there is a lawn, and quite an
amazing lawn it is, too. At various points in time, the poor thing's been
torn into, crash landed on, and walked on by superhero and villain alike.
And yet it's still there, being a lawn. And in about five minutes it's
going to be torn apart by a dimensional gateway. But that's five minutes
away yet, so while we're waiting, let's go beyond the LNHHQ and
it's amazing lawn, beyond the twelve-foot high electrical fencing and
protection systems the Ultimate Ninja installed a while back, beyond the
sidewalk on which that most famous of heroes, Golden Retriever, died, and
out into Net.ropolis itself.
Net.ropolis is a big city, with thousands of streets and avenues,
and far too many people to count, though the census people still try
every decade or so. But it's even bigger at night, when empty alleys echo
to the sounds of scuttling rats, when many of it's streets are long black
ribbons broken only rarely by the headlights of a stray car, and things
seem to breed in the shadows.
But the darkness didn't seem to bother the young man who walked
cheerfully down one of Net.ropolis's many alleyways. He wore a pair of
jeans, a T-shirt, and a cheerful demeanor that seemed somehow to light up
the air around him. His name was Mark Thibner, and he was going to be a
net.hero. Oh, not in the next few days, no. He'd just gotten his powers
after all. Mark figured, a few weeks training, maybe stop a mugging or
two, or maybe even a real villain, then an application and acceptance
from the LNH would be a good way to go. Right now he was just on his way
home from work, planning on stopping at the video store to rent a Monty
Python film, and maybe Rambo II. Unfortunately Mark's newfound powers did
not include super-sense, or he would have noticed the man following
stealthily behind him.
Silent and swift, the man followed mark into the alley, glancing
around quickly to check for possible witnesses. Finding none, he stepped
around the corner. If someone had been on the street, they would have
heard a strange sound about a minute later. Gun enthusiasts would have
recognized it as someone firing with a silencer on. Approximately a
minute and a half later the man left the alley and walked casually down
the street and into a drugstore a block and a half down, where he got
into an old brown Chevy and drove off.
In the alleyway, Mark's body lay sprawled in an uncomfortable
looking position, with two gunshot wounds; one to the shoulder, the other
to the back of the head. His wallet was gone, along with his keys, and
when the police found him in the morning it would look just like another
mugging in the suburbs of the city, even though it wasn't.
Meanwhile, Mark's body lay alone in the alley, thin trickles of
blood draining slowly into the sewers from the gutter, until it congealed
into a hard red-black substance and stopped flowing. A rat scuttled by
and sniffed at the body, then ran off into the shadows, leaving the
alley to itself and the empty Net.ropolis night....
-=ð=- -=ð=-
And then we're skimming away from that alleyway, back through the
long, open streets, across the sidewalk and over the electric fencing to
the LNHHQ lawn, where something strange is happening to the Looniversal
dimensional barrier. For the first few seconds nothing's actually
happening, though everything's a bit quiet, as if reality just finished
taking a deep breath. Then the humidity in the air just a few feet above
the lawn drops to zero, and the temperature rises to heights seen only in
Death Valley in mid-summer, and reality seems to wrinkle, folding in on
itself and going into weird angles. Then it bunches up, twitches a
little, and tears a deep black gash in itself, spitting out three
human-shaped figures. The first lands badly and rolls away from the
dimensional tear, coming to a stop a few feet away and looking around
rather blurrily.
" Hey guys, where are we? What happened to the trees?" There was
no answer forthcoming, as the second figure leaped out of the tear,
landed well, then turned to catch a fishbowl as it emerged behind her.
Miraculously, the bowl's occupant and his water had survived being tossed
though a dimensional gateway, and looked none the worse for wear. Of
course, it's hard to tell what a goldfish's feeling at the best of times.
The third figure arrived a bit more spectacularly, as a human
sized comet rimmed in neon green rocketed from the gash, hurtled across
the lawn, through the double doors in the LNHHQ with the "whooompf!" of
air getting knocked painfully out of a set of lungs, and crashed into the
wall behind the receptionist's desk, startling Kyoko rather badly from
where she sat in the doorway. But to her credit, Kyoko (who had survived
invasion by robots, numerous headquarter take-over attempts, and other
such frequent occurences) stood up, and took stock of the situation
before reacting. _One girl, looks to be about 17 or 18, lying on her back
and gasping for air trying to get her breath back. Probably not a threat,
although she does have a rather large sword lying on the floor next to
her. Wonder what she wants?_ Kyoko walked around the desk and peered
uncertainly down at the girl, as the last wisps of neon green dispersed
into the air. Fuzzy had appeared in the doorway behind her, then
continued into the room to stand silently, although not entirely so.
Well, there was a little noise. Breathing, heart beat, stuff like that.
At any rate, it was fairly near Kyoko.
" Are you all right?" asked the receptionist, cautiously
offering a hand up to the girl, who accepted it gratefully and stood,
grabbing the sword and laying it carefully on the desk before answering.
" Damn, I hate re-entry. Sorry about the doors," she fell silent
for a moment, then continued," Do you happen to know where we - "
" Hey Paytan, you okay? Does that always happen, or was the comet
thingie a one-time event?" Fuzzy turned to find another young lady, a
little younger than the first, leaning against the doors and grinning at
the world in general. She was cradling a fishbowl next to her chest, with
a small goldfish burbling gently inside. Behind her stood yet another
girl, staring vaguely off into space. Before the girl with the sword,
Paytan, could respond, Fuzzy took control of the situation. Well, not
quite _took_ control, but she made a pretty good attempt, and everyone
did pay attention to her, so...
" Look guys, sorry to interrupt, but if you're here to join,
you'll have to wait until t'morrow and make an appointment..." she said,
then stopped as realized that all three of them were staring at her
uncomprehendingly. The girl with the fishbowl spoke up.
" Join what?" Fuzzy sighed.
" The Legion of Net.Heroes. You _do_ know who we are, right?"
" Oh. Yeah. I just never expected to be standing in your doorway.
Well, maybe someday, I mean you never know where you'll end up, right?
But, as in solid, life-long goals and all that, I mean, your doorway just
wasn't really one of them. Sorry." The girl shrugged, looked at Fuzzy
dejectedly, then brightened up again. " Oh yeah, I'm Brittany!" She
stuck out her free hand. Fuzzy shook it, and finally brought her powers
under control.
" I'm Fuzzy, veteran member of the LNH. So why _are_ you bursting
through our doors at this hour of the night, if you're not trying to
make a grand entrance?" Brittany shrugged.
" I don't know. Paytan was the one in charge of landings.
Savannah and I just kinda hung on," she said, and looked enquiringly at
Paytan, who scowled back.
" Look, it's not my fault, okay? We couldn't go back to the place
I'd left, because it was in the middle of a public area. Who knows how
many people we would have shown up in front of. So I'd tried to kind
of... switch it. And we showed up here," she glared at Fuzzy," Your
headquarters is like a frickin' black hole in reality, you know that?"
" I'd expect it to be something like that, yes," Fuzzy
half-shrugged, then turned back to Brittany, leaving Paytan to glare at
some unspecified spot on the wall. " So you're not here to join?"
Brittany considered that.
" I'm not sure. Do you think we could? It sounds like fun.
Joining, I mean. Well, not joining exactly, but the whole superhero
schtick. You know: Halt common varlets, or face the wrath of an LNHer!"
Brittany managed to strike a heroic pose, fishbowl included.
" I suppose you could. Have you had any previous superheroing
experience? What are your powers and code-names?"
" Hrm. Well, we saved someone from becoming the demon sacrafice
du jour," Brit gestured towards the blond girl behind her, who still
wasn't paying attention," other than that, we haven't done much. I'm
pretty good in hand-to-hand combat, and of course there's Binky.
Savannah's improving. Paytan - "
" Isn't even considering joining, so it's pointless to list me,"
said Paytan," I'm leaving. Are you coming with me?" Brittany set the
fishbowl down in a potted plant with an emphatic thunk.
" If they decide to join, the application forms are in the upper
left hand drawer of the desk, third folder back," said Kyoko to Fuzzy as
she headed back to the television room. Only another half-hour until she
got off work. Behind her Brittany had edged carefully around Fuzzy and
grabbed Paytan, both of them whispering at each other angrily.
" Like you've got anything better to do...most certainly
do...it'll be fun...oh yeah just _loads_....they don't mind your warping
about...they're bloody superheroes!...so we save the world once or twice,
what'll it hurt...me, probably...Pffft!....family wouldn't mind...Uncle
Bob could make you some nifty weapons...who?...Uncle Bob...one good
reason...okay, where else could you go, if not here?...why, I could
go...I could go...exactly...besides you owe me one...give it a try, just
a month or two?...how do I get into these things...so you will...okay,
just a few months though, then we leave, right?...Right," the two of them
turned towards Fuzzy. Paytan managed a cheerful looking scowl, leaning
back against the wall to let Brittany rush by, back to the fishbowl.
" You said there were some forms or something?" asked Paytan,
looking at Fuzzy with a raised eyebrow. Brittany was muttering something
to her fish. Fuzzy got the forms out of the desk and handed them over to
Paytan.
" Just fill them out, and I'll get Kyoko to make an appointment
for you to speak with one of the higher-ups. Leave them on the desk when
you're done," said Fuzzy as she headed in the general direction of the
rec.lounge. Brittany stepped in front of the blond girl and tried to get
her attention before she began explaining things. Paytan sighed and
sprawled into the desk chair.
" Okay guys...first question. 'What is your codename?'"
-=ð=- -=ð=-
" So that's it, huh? We're net.heroes, now?" said Brittany as the
office door closed behind them. Paytan smirked.
" Probationary heroes. `For a a short period of undetermined time
your performance will be evaluated on a mission to mission basis. At the
end of the trial perios your member status will be confirmed or
cancelled'," Paytan slouched back against the wall, rifling through the
sheaf of papers she held," And we have to fill out tons of forms after
every single mission. Gack. Good going Brit."
" Weirdness Girl."
" Brit."
" Weirdness Girl."
" Brit."
" Weirdness Girl."
" Both of you shush. Must you fight so?" The third member of
their party finally spoke, shaken from her perpetual inatentive state by
the noise. Brittany grinned.
" Hey Vana, finally joined the world of the waking, huh?"
Savannah leaned back against the wall with her eyes closed, one hand
rubbing at her forehead.
" We're still in the LNH headquarters, right? Becoming
net.heroes?"
" Yep. Savannah Ramey, aka Out-of-It Lass, is now in existence,"
Paytan handed her some forms," You need to fill these out." Savannah took
them without opening her eyes, and sighed.
" Didn't we do that last night?"
" We have to do it again. They need `official' copies."
" Oh, bother. Do they need them now?"
" No, we have a day or two before they're needed. So we've got a
little time to ourselves. Guess we get to explore." Paytan looked down
the empty hallway, expressing something less than enthusiam. " Better
yet, did they give us rooms?" Brittany adjusted her grip on the fishbowl
and took some of the forms from Paytan.
" Hrmph. Lessee, what do we have...code-names...current number of
arch enemies (nil. We'll have to work on that)... hey nifty! We've got
hero ID numbers! Out-of-it Lass, 9A-LNH697 - "
"Get on with it, Brittany," Paytan warned.
" Weirdness Girl."
" Brittany."
" Weirdness Girl."
" Brittany."
" Both of you! Stop! Stop! Am I going to have to open my eyes and
come after you?" said Savannah as she leaned against the wall, frowning
in their general direction. Paytan snorted and grabbed the papers back
from Brittany, rifling through them quickly.
" Ha! Here we are, Out-of-it Lass, first floor, room 23,
Weirdness Girl, third floor, room 2, and Perdition, fourth floor, room 2.
Savannah's room is the closest. Let's go see what a probationary LNHer
gets free of charge!" Paytan smiled and grabbed Savannah, leading her
down the hall towards the personal quarters section of the building.
Brittany trailed behind.
" I still think you could have picked a better code name,
Paytan," she said.
" I like it. Besides, what's a villain going to be more afraid
of: Weirdness Girl, or Perdition, hmmmm? And there was no way I was going
to wander around being called Summoning Lass, or whatever. And if you
start calling me Perdy I'll gut you."
" We're LNHers now. Any villain would fear us simply because of
that," declared Brittany, trying to achieve a heroic pose while in
motion. It didn't work out all that well. Paytan and Savannah waited
while she picked herself up off the floor.
" Yeah, Brittany, they'll just surrender to you right off the
bat," grinned Paytan," C'mon we're almost there." A second later they
stood at the end of a long hallway, in front of a plain-looking brown
door. Brittany grabbed the handle.
" And lo! They came unto it and discovered that it was a door.
And it was good!" With that declaratory statement, Brittany swung the
door open, and they all filed in. After a minute or so Brittany spoke
again.
" Well, it was okay."
-=ð=- -=ð=-
An hour later they were all sprawled around Brittany's room.
Paytan had picked up her sword from the receptionist's desk and was
sitting on the floor, sharpening it. Savannah was sprawled on the bed,
staring at the ceiling. Over in the room's far corner, Brittany was
slowly constructing a large shrine-like edifice to set the fishbowl and
occupant on. For now it was sitting on the room's only other piece of
large furniture, a desk. There were places for a televison and computer
workspace, but they were empty right now. A small kitchenette resided
over in one side of the room, sparsely supplied with utensils and cooking
supplies. Most of the LNH probably ate down in the cafeteria.
" So is this what heroes do in their spare time? Sit?" Paytan
pitched her whetstone onto the carpet.
" Well, technically we should be out battling against the forces
of Evil(tm). But I need to finish Binky's altar first."
" Your goldfish does _not_ need an altar."
" He's not a goldfish. Well, he is, sorta, but not really. Cosmic
powers need altars and stuff like that so they don't destroy the world
every fortnight or so. Ergo, Binky needs an altar to _he_ won't destroy
the world every fortnight or so," Brittany finished nailing another board
onto the slowly growing makeshift pedestal.
" Brit, your goldfish is _not_ a cosmic power."
" Pffffft! Shows what you know. Binky just doesn't like to throw
his weight around like some of the other power cosmics. Isn't that right
Binky?" They looked over to the fishbowl, where a small goldfish swam,
burbling gently. Minutes passed, and the goldfish continued to burble. "
There see?"
" What was that supposed to prove?"
" That was Binky, not throwing his weight around," replied
Brittany. Paytan groaned and rolled her eyes. " Oh all right already!
We'll go, we'll go! Savannah?"
" Huh?"
" You coming?"
" Where?"
" C'mon, we'll explain on the way," Brittany grabbed Binky's
fishbowl (which naturally included Binky) on the way out, managing
inexplicably to change into costume before they got outside.
Minutes later, the three newest LNHers headed out into
Net.ropolis.
_________________________________________________________________________
NEXT ISSUE:
Our heroes encounter Evil(tm)!
Will include a nifty thank you note to anyone who sends me feedback!
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P.S. I apologize if the word-wrap or anything comes out warped. I'm not
sure if moving the file from DOS to Windows then sending it out to the
Internet through AOL is going to kill anything or not....
Mistlock
