STOP RIGHT THERE!
If you haven`t read:
ERRAND BOY #0
LNHCP #22
CONSTELLATION #36
Go and read them now because
a) They`re all damn fine stories, and
b) This story crosses over with them, so you`d be confused otherwise.
(I know I am...)
Marmalade Dalek Productions Presents
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-* T H E L E G I O N O F O C C U L T H E R O E S *-
Issue Two
"Character Interaction"
By Paul Hardy
An ACRAPHOBE title
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__________________________________________________________
| |
| 5pm TODAY: |
| |
| DOCTOR STOMPER will be holding a seminar on the topic of |
| |
| "TIME, CONTINUITY and the effects of RETCON HOUR" |
| |
| Location: SEMINAR ROOM |
| |
| Attendance not mandatory but advised |
|__________________________________________________________|
"Sounds interesting," said Demon Boy as he read the notice on
the LNH`s main noticeboard, situated in a prominent area of the wall
of the cafeteria. It was shortly after breakfasttime in the LNHQ, and
those heroes who were morning people were up and about already,
generally milling around in a post-coffee sort of way and getting
ready for another day`s hard heroizing. Demon Boy wasn`t really one of
those people, but since he had, like the rest of the LOH, spent the
last few days on a nine to five basis, he hadn`t had much trouble
getting up this morning. Green Trenchcoat was with him, having risen
even earlier, but that was nothing unusual. GT was the kind of person
who showed his face at the ungodly time of six or seven in the
morning, thus being able to avoid the rest of the human race for the
first couple of hours of the day. Leviathan Lass, however, was
strenuously resisting any compulsion to get up this early and had not
joined the other two for breakfast; if the last few days were anything
to go by, she would probably stagger into the cafeteria in about half
an hour and get a two-coffee breakfast, deliberately in avoidance of
anything solid (unless you counted the coffee).
Green Trenchcoat replied to Demon Boy`s
observation. "Indeed. It may even throw some light upon our current
situation."
"Yeah, right. Unlikely."
"It would not be wise to be too pessimistic. Help may come
from any direction."
"It`s more likely to fall on us from a great height."
Demon Boy paused and looked around, whilst Green Trenchcoat
looked at him almost with a raised eyebrow. A few seconds of that, and
Demon Boy went on. "Sorry, I was half expecting something to happen."
"Why?"
"Well-" DB paused and tried to think of a way to express his
thought. "Have you noticed how much more, well, silly things are
around here?"
"Explain."
"Well, I`ve just been seeing some odd things. Coincidences,
mostly, but- it`s weird, I know, but it`s as though strange comical
incidents are happening more than usual."
blam!
crunch!
"yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!"
CRUNCH!
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"
CRUNCH!!!
"*Y*A*A*A*A*A*A*A*A*A*A*!!!!!!!!!"
*C*R*U*N*C*H*!!!!
There was a small silence whilst the occupants of the
cafeteria perused the slightly broken figure of a hero who had just
crashed through the ceiling into the linoleum. Bicycle Repair Lad
spoke up in a very cultured BBC accent:
"That, dear listeners, was the sound of a young man named
Bad-Timing Boy being propelled at almost supersonic speeds through
several floors of the LNHQ. This stunt was performed by experienced
radio actors, and should not be attempted at home. Meanwhile, back at
the plot..."
"Uuuuur...." said Bad-Timing Boy from his own personal
crater. He was wearing some kind of body armour over his normal
costume which, though charred and severely dented, seemed to have kept
him in one piece. Demon Boy walked to his side and looked up through
the several holes in the ceiling. A couple of floors above, Master
Blaster looked down with something close to concern.
"Hey, B-TB, are you okay?" Demon Boy helped Bad-Timing Boy to
his feet, since he was trying to struggle in that direction
anyway. B-TB swayed a bit.
"Well, Margaret, thanks for shampooing the lawn and we`ll be
back right after these messages..." B-TB`s eyes glazed over and he
fell forward, landing with a clatter on the floor.
"He`s okay!" shouted Demon Boy to Master Blaster. "Just needs
a few paracetomol. What happened?"
"Uh, we were on the way to the peril room to test some armour,
and my gun sort of went off..."
"Well..." said Demon Boy, looking down at the stunned
Bad-Timing Boy, who by rights should have had stars circling his head
at this point, "the armour worked, anyway..."
"Great! I`ll make a *fortune*!" Master Blaster disappeared
from view.
"Sure...." said Demon Boy. He activated the intercom that he
had recieved as new a few days before (Ultimate Ninja not trusting the
ones that the LOH already had). "Organic Lass? Slight accident in the
cafeteria."
"Serious?"
"About the opposite."
"Be there in a minute." Demon Boy deactivated the intercom,
and looked at Green Trenchcoat.
"See what I mean?"
"Certainly. But there is nothing threatening about humour,
Demon Boy. You, most of all, should know that."
"Mmm. I suppose... Well. Anyway. What`s happening today?"
"I believe that Ultimate Ninja has, at last, finished testing
us in the Peril Room, and will allow us to define our own schedule."
"Thank god for that..." The LOHers had spent the bulk of the
last few days in the Peril Room, taking on the worst that it could
throw at them, and demonstrating their powers as well as they could
manage. Demon Boy suspected that UN had been having fun carving them
to pieces, but he`d never seen any expressions on the ninja`s face to
back that up; Master Blaster, on the other hand, took obvious
excessive glee in trying to cremate them. Demon Boy had been killed
rather more than the other two, since his power wasn`t much use
against actual physical attack, and he was very easy to disarm, as
Ultimate Ninja had found out; DB hadn`t shaved in days, because the
ducting tape that UN had been using to keep him quiet had kept ripping
his bristles off in a painful and unpleasant manner. With all the
times that he had been mangled, mutilated, sliced, decapitated and
cremated, yet still finding himself alive afterwards, he was beginning
to understand why Cannon Fodder tried to avoid anyone who was
demonstrating their powers.
Leviathan Lass, looking muzzy eyed and half asleep, entered
the cafeteria, spotted her teammates, and came over to them. "Anything
new?" she yawned.
"Check the noticeboard," said Demon Boy. Leviathan Lass wiped
her eyes and did so.
"Oh, right... anything good, d`you think?"
"Doubtful." said Demon Boy.
"Ah... excuse me?" said another voice. They turned from the
noticeboard to see that Doctor Stomper had come up to speak to them.
"Oh, hi..." said Demon Boy.
"I was just wondering," said Doctor Stomper, "If you`ve
discovered anything about where you come from yet?"
"We are still unaware as to our true status," said Green
Trenchcoat.
"Sorry," shrugged Demon Boy.
"Oh well," sighed Doctor Stomper. "I`m just checking up on
everything for the seminar. I`ll have to put you down as `unexplained
consequences of Retcon Hour`, then."
"Sounds wonderful," said Leviathan Lass sarcastically.
"Um. Yes. You wouldn`t happen to know anything about the
status of Pliable Lad, would you?"
"Not really," said Demon Boy.
"Another unexplained plot element. Never mind... Thanks,
anyway."
"No problem," said Leviathan Lass, in a low tone of
voice. Doctor Stomper headed out of the cafeteria. "So what`s
happening today?" asked LL.
"Nothing`s planned," said Demon Boy. He was about to go on at
greater length, but was interrupted by Organic Lass entering the
cafeteria.
"I take it that the dazed one lying in the impact hollow is
the patient?" asked Organic Lass.
"That`s him," said Demon Boy. "He seems okay. It was just
another random comical event." Organic Lass knelt by Bad-Timing Boy`s
side, took a small penlight from a pocket, and shone it into the
pupils of his eyes. She considered for a few moments.
"Well, comical event or no, he`s got a mild concussion. I`d
better take him up to sickbay for a few hours` rest." She turned to
Green Trenchcoat. "Let`s see... wReamHack is working on the
teleporters, so we`ll have to carry him. There`s a stretcher in a
cupboard by the counter."
"I shall retrieve it," volunteered Green Trenchcoat. He headed
in that direction.
"Have you got the test results yet?" asked Leviathan Lass.
"Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry, I forgot to let you know yesterday."
"And...?" asked Demon Boy.
"Nothing weird at all. You`re human." She shrugged. "Sorry it
wasn`t of any help." Green Trenchcoat returned. "Right, unroll the
thing and help me get him on it..." Green Trenchcoat and Organic Lass
piled Bad-Timing Boy onto the stretcher, where he lay as dazed as he
had been. "Now, you can help me take him up..."
"Organic Lass, I have many important matters to attend to..."
"One of which is the medical you`ve been trying to avoid for
the last few days. Take that end."
"If I must."
"Okay... lift." The stretcher was lifted, and the two carried
B-TB from the cafeteria.
"See you later..." said Demon Boy. "Oh, well. Got anything
planned?"
"Not much. Apart from a few cups of coffee," replied Leviathan
Lass.
"Mm. I thought I`d have a few words with Occultism Kid when he
wakes up. And pick up my flight.thingy. Things like that."
"Sounds like a wild fun time."
"Yeah." They stood there for a moment. "Well, anyway. See you
later."
"Right." Leviathan Lass headed for the nearest coffee pot,
whilst Demon Boy went over to Bicycle Repair Lad, who was just
leaving.
"Uh... Bicycle Repair Lad?"
"What`ll it be, squire?"
"I thought I might as well get my flight.thingy..."
"Righto, guv. This way." They left the cafeteria.
A few minutes later, Leviathan Lass was on her third cup of
coffee, and starting to feel a little more alive. A piece of half
eaten toast remained on a plate beside the coffee and looked
mournful. LL closed her eyes and let the caffeine do it`s work at the
back of her brain, shivering as it did so; this was her usual morning
routine, and the coffee was absolutely necessary. Just these few
minutes of the drug kicking her back into wakefulness, and she`d be
able to face the day; it had been that way for a while now, but she
didn`t like to think about it. Doing this was quite a good way of
avoiding thinking about anything; just close the eyes and drift for a
while as synapses get back together again and the day starts to make
sense.
"Excuse me? Are you all right?"
The voice, female, brought Kirsty back from her internal world
and into the real one. "Wha?" She blinked a few times to get things
back into something like focus, and turned to look at the
speaker. Kirsty recognised her from long experience, though she wasn`t
in costume; it was Catalyst Lass, someone who was always friendly and
helpful, and Kirsty immediately smiled at recognising her. "Sorry. I`m
fine..."
"Oh, that`s good. I`m Catalyst Lass, by the way. Nice to meet
you..." Oh, damn, thought Kirsty as she remembered that Cat wouldn`t
remember her, like everyone else. Her face fell as she shook Cat`s hand.
"I`m Leviathan Lass. But I`m really Kirsty."
"Oh, that`s okay! Call me Cat. Everyone does!" I know, thought
Kirsty. Why don`t you? "Listen, a few of us are about to go into
Net.ropolis for some shopping and lunch, and, well, you do look sort
of down, so I thought maybe you might want to come with us? It`ll be a
great way to get to know a few of us!"
Shopping, thought Kirsty. Haven`t been shopping in ages. Might
be fun, but- "Well..." said Kirsty, undecided. She didn`t really feel
like she had the energy for it.
"Oh, go on! It`ll be fun!"
Well... maybe. Actually, it _was_ starting to sound more
appealing. That was probably the effect of Cat`s powers, but then, it
was very likely a good idea. I really out to get out and about a bit,
she thought. "Okay." said Kirsty.
"Great! Meet us in the lobby in, oh, twenty minutes?"
"Costumes?"
"Oh, no, not for shopping! Just some civvies will do."
Kirsty smiled. Well, here she was, actually doing something
for a change. It felt quite good. "Okay. See you there, then."
"Sure! See you!" Cat waved as she left, and Kirsty waved
back. She looked at her coffee, and then decided not to bother with
it. She rose from the table, feeling a little surprised, and left the
cafeteria, heading in the direction of her room.
A little while later, Kirsty left her room, having changed out
of the bescaled costume into clothes that were altogether more
comfortable and didn`t itch in embarrassing places. Nothing special;
just jeans and a t-shirt, really. And a neat little dragon pendant on
a necklace. She headed for the elevator, thumbed the button, and found
that when it reached her floor, all the other shoppers were already
aboard.
As well as Catalyst Lass, there was Sim-Sorceress of the
Alt.Ter.Net.Tives, New Look Lass, Pizza Girl, Token Girl and (of
course) Bandwagon Chick. None were in costume, although in New Look
Lass`s case, that hardly seemed to make a difference; she was dressed
spectacularly enough to draw as much attention as when she was wearing
one of her infinite number of costumes. They all smiled as she
boarded, and Cat spoke up.
"Hi, Kirsty!, Okay, you don`t know everyone, so-"
"Uh, can I just mention something?"
"Sure!"
"I know none of you remember me, but I remember every one of
you. I don`t know why, and it`s really weird, but please- I really
can`t take being reintroduced to people I`ve known for months." Kirsty
considered what she`d said for a moment. "Oh, shit, that sounds really
horrible, doesn`t it?"
"No, that`s okay," said Token Girl. The others joined in to
deny Kirsty`s rudeness. Catalyst Lass went on.
"Well, anyway. I did ask a few others to come, but what with
one thing and another, they couldn`t make it."
"Oh, that`s a shame!" said Sim-Sorceress. "I was hoping Search
Lass would come so we could find some really good stuff..."
"Oh, I think we`ll manage..." said New Look Lass. "I never
have any problems finding what I need."
The lift reached the ground floor, and the shoppers left for
the lobby. By the reception desk, a tall young man with an unfamiliar
face and costume (which featured the initials E.B. and the legend
"MESSENGER AND DELIVERY SERVICE") looked round at the group
(unsurprising, given that they were all female) with a little awe,
before being asked a question by the receptionist.
"Okay, first off, What`s your phone number?"
"Umm, 555-3269."
"Who`s he?" asked Kirsty. "I don`t remember him..."
"Okay, and what are your powers?" asked the receptionist.
"No, he must be new," said Token Girl.
"Well, I can find things," said the newcomer. "It`s a little
more complicated than that, but I`d really have to get into it to
explain it further."
"Hey," said Pizza Girl. "Are you thinking what I`m thinking?"
"Well, I guess that`ll be good enough for now. Anything else?"
asked the receptionist.
"Hmm." said Cat.
"Um, no, that`s it... I took some Judo classed at the Y..."
"Judo... classes..." The receptionist didn`t look
impressed. "Okay. Well, I`ll see that Ultimate Ninja gets this. Have a
nice day."
"Let`s!" said Sim-Sorceress. Cat looked at the others, who all
assented with looks of amusement.
"Okay..." she said.
The newcomer looked disappointed as he turned away from the
receptionist, saying "Thanks..." as he did so. Before he could leave,
Cat went up to him and said, in her most pleasant and persuasive
voice:
"Hey, did you say you say you can, like, find things?"
The newcomer looked surprised by the question, or perhaps
surprised by the person who was asking it of him. "Um, yeah..."
"Cool! What`s your name?"
"Errand Boy. But you can call me E.B."
"Okay, E.B. My name is Catalyst Lass, but my friends call me
Cat. Welcome to the Legion of Net.Heroes! As it so happens, my friends
and I here have a vital mission that could use someone of your unique
talents." There were sidelong glances amongst the girls. Errand Boy
looked excited, as though someone had told him that his grades had
just jumped from a third to a first. He replied rapidly.
"What are we going to do? Save the world? What do you need me
to get for you? Some kind of device to stave off the armageddon?"
Cat smiled. "No, silly. We`re going _shopping_!"
Errand Boy paused. He didn`t really look like he believed
it. "Shopping?" he asked, in a dubious voice.
"You know, when you go to a shop, give them some money and
take something away from them," said Kirsty in cheerfully sarcastic
tones.
"Uh... well..." Errand Boy looked suddenly apprehensive.
"We`ll put a good word in for you with Ultimate Ninja..." said
Cat.
"Really?" asked E.B., looking up a little.
"Sure! You`ll get into the LNH easily!"
"She means it," said Token Girl. "Cat here used to lead the
LNH, you know."
"Oh, well..." said Errand Boy. "I don`t have anything else to
do..."
"Great!" said Cat. "Let`s get going."
Cat led the way out of the lobby, and Errand Boy, feeling a
little confused at this sudden turn that his day had taken, followed
her and the others. Outside on the street, it was a cheerfully sunny
day, with tweeting little birds, a little humming traffic, a few
unhurried passers-by, and a mangled, mutilated body on the other side
of the road.
"Eeeww!" cried Pizza Girl. "What happened to him?" The body
was quite clearly no longer in the realm of the living, as the sharply
angled neck showed; on the not-entirely undisrupted chest were
stencilled the initials G.R.
"Um," said Errand Boy. "I don`t know. He was here when I got
here. I told the receptionist about him."
"Does anybody know who he was?" asked Sim-Sorceress. "I don`t
recognise him..." Neither did anyone else. There were a few seconds of
silence as the heroes stood in the presence of a dead stranger.
"We should take him up to sickbay," said Kirsty.
"There will be no need for that," said Green Trenchcoat from
behind the group. He had just arrived on the scene, accompanying
Organic Lass, who sighed as she saw the body.
"It`s the Golden Retriever," she said. "Poor guy. I might have
known he`d end up like this..."
"Why, what did he do?" asked New Look Lass.
"Mortally offended Ultimate Ninja. This isn`t his work
though. Someone else got there first."
"He was one of our number," said Green Trenchcoat. "I shall
carry him with dignity." He raised a hand, and a green energy leapt
from it to envelop the body, and raise it into the air. The atmosphere
was solemn, as he turned back to the LNHQ and carried the body of the
Golden Retriever within. There was a silence after he left.
"Guys. Look. It happens, okay?" Organic Lass smiled
weakly. "Don`t let it spoil your day. Have a good time. I think he
would have wanted you to." She turned to go back. "I wish I could come
as well, but-" she sighed- "duty calls. I`ll see you at the seminar,
okay?"
"Sure," said Cat. Organic Lass left, and Cat went on. "Okay,
everyone. Let`s get on. This is the Golden Retriever Memorial Shopping
Trip. So let`s have some fun."
The body of the Golden Retriever settled onto a bed, and when
it was fully rested there, Green Trenchcoat released it from the green
energy. "It is a sad day when a hero must die," he said.
Organic Lass laid a sheet over the body. "Yeah, well, it`s
probably something to do with Retcon Hour," she said. "It`s certainly
odd enough."
"Life and death are still the same, no matter if they are
battered by plot convenience."
"True," she admitted. They stood over the body for a moment.
"And here`s a man from Net.castle with his rendition of
`Pocket Full of Kryptonite`..." said Bad-Timing Boy from a bed behind
them, shortly before collapsing unconscious again. They turned back to
look.
"How is he?" asked Organic Lass.
"Well," said Tourniquet, who was standing by B-TB and keeping
a close eye on his condition, "he`ll be alright in a couple of
hours. More than that cannot be said."
"Can`t you do anything to speed his recovery up?"
"I already have. But it is his mind that is affected, and that
must have some time to heal itself," replied the U-Forcer.
"Right. Well then." Organic Lass turned back to Green
Trenchcoat. "Take your coat off and get on a bed, and I`ll get
started."
"Organic Lass, I must object-"
"Look, if you`re worried about me seeing you in the nude,
forget it, okay? I`m married, remember?"
"I have no qualms whatsoever in that area. But there are some
aspects of my physical form that I am not... permitted... to divulge."
Organic Lass looked at Green Trenchcoat in a very thin lipped
manner. "At least give me a blood sample."
Green Trenchcoat considered for a moment. His eyes seemed to
go blank, before he went on. "Very well," he said. You may also take
some other common measurements. But I will not allow my body to be
examined in detail."
"Well, Laurie, our next guest tonight is none other than-"
Organic Lass sighed. "Okay. UN won`t like it, but at least
it`ll be something. And Tourniquet?"
"Yes?"
"Shut him up, will you?"
"Okay," said Errand Boy. "This is it." The shopping group
stood in Net.ropolis` busy city centre, outside a gaudy looking shop
in a pedestrian precinct.
"You sure?" asked New Look Lass.
"Well, everything you asked for is in there..."
"The top I`m after?"
"That skirt I wanted?"
"The blouse I need?"
"YES! It`s all in there. I don`t know about the price, but
it`s all there." Errand Boy checked his watch. It wasn`t even
lunchtime yet. With any luck, they`d be finished in a few minutes, and
he could get back to the LNH and see about getting on with joining.
"Okay, everyone! Let`s go!" said Cat. The group entered the
shop and began to disperse around it`s many racks and shelves of
clothes, in a flurry of interest and excitement. Cat and Sim-Sorceress
headed for a few racks of tops and started discussing the relative
merits of the various products on sale; Bandwagon Chick accompanied
Pizza Girl and Token Girl upstairs to start perusing the various
clothes on sale there. Kirsty stood for a while without really knowing
what to do. All these clothes, all around, and she simply didn`t know
where to start looking for something she might want. She leafed
through a rack of t-shirts uninterestedly, failing to take much notice
of them; she was completely at a loss as to what she actually might
want; she couldn`t think, couldn`t decide what to try.
"How about this?" asked New Look Lass, holding up a
blouse. "Sort of formal?"
"Um. Yeah, I suppose."
"Well, I need something formal, but do you think this one is
going too far?"
"Well, it depends..."
"Hmmm. Well. Maybe." New Look Lass replaced the blouse. "What
are you looking for?"
"I... really don`t know."
New Look Lass didn`t really seem to believe this. "Surely you
must want _something_?"
"I don`t know. I don`t really need anything..."
"Oh, come _on_! It`s not a case of needing anything- it`s a
case of wanting something! Come and have a look at some of this stuff
over here..." A little dubiously, Kirsty followed New Look Lass in the
direction of several rows of possibly interesting clothes.
Errand Boy hung around on the main floor, waiting. So this, he
thought, is shopping. Can`t see what all the fuss is about. Can`t see
what all the interest is about, either. It seemed weird, being in an
all-female group in a shop where he hardly dared even to look at
anything. The nearest male, apart from himself, was the security
guard, who was wandering around, oblivious to most things. The guard
looked in his direction and seemed almost surprised to see another man
in the shop, before giving him a look that sympathised with Errand
Boy`s situation, stuck on a shopping trip with a group of women. Oh
well, he thought. They can`t take _too_ long, surely?
New Look Lass was trying, without a great deal of success, to
interest Kirsty in a rack of long skirts. "Here, let`s just see what
this one looks like," she said, taking a blue, slightly diaphanous
number off the rack and placing it against Kirsty to see what it
looked like. Kirsty looked down at the skirt and wasn`t particularly
impressed by it.
"Not really," she said. New Look Lass replaced the blue skirt
and tried another.
"Now this one`s really good..."
"Um. I don`t think so..."
"What about this one?"
"Bit too ornate."
"Try this."
"I`d look like a cleaner."
"Well, how about this one?"
"Not unless I`m going to a funeral."
"You`re hopeless, you know that?"
"I`m sorry... I`m just a bit short of enthusiasm at the
moment."
"Well, I`ve got enough enthusiasm for both of us. We`ll find
you something yet."
"How`s it going, guys?" asked Cat, who`d just come over,
accompanied by Sim-Sorceress.
"A bit slow, but we`re getting there. How about you? Find
anything?" replied New Look Lass.
"Oh, lots. Not really sure yet, though," said Sim-Sorceress.
"How about some coffee to think it over?"
"Sounds good... here come the others!" Agreement wasn`t long
in coming, and the group soon began to head out of the shop, dragging
the slightly bemused Errand Boy with them.
"You didn`t buy _anything_?!?!?"
"Hey, it`s not even lunchtime yet!" said Cat. "Plenty of time
to go..."
"But... I found all that stuff!"
"Yeah, there`s some great things on the top floor!" said
Bandwagon Chick.
"Don`t worry about it, E.B. We`ll come back later..."
"But... but... but..."
Kirsty watched the poor young hero with amusement. He had
absolutely _no_ idea what he was in for. Poor bastard...
"Mind your head, guv," said Bicycle Repair Lad as he and Demon
Boy entered BRL`s workshop by the side of the flight.thingy launch
bay. In contrast to the bay itself, which was wide, spacious,
technologically impressive and filled only by the larger, more complex
and visually appealing flight.thingys, BRL`s little room was wooden,
cluttered, piled to the brim with tools and widgets, and generally a
mess. The workbench was stacked high with parts and bits of parts,
stained by ancient grease and machine oil. Up on a shelf sat a kettle,
a few chipped mugs, a box of teabags and a few jars of substances like
sugar and coffee, as well as a few half-finished packets of
biscuits. There were two rickety chairs under the workbench, that BRL
pulled out and set upon the sawdusted floor. "Cup of tea?" asked BRL.
"Sure..." said Andrew. "This where you spend all your
time?"
BRL started taking down the relevant tea making equipment,
filled the kettle from a makeshift tap, and put it on. "Pretty much,
squire. Not many bicycles round here, so I ended up working on the
flight.thingys instead."
"It`s weird."
BRL stopped and looked around. "I dunno. I try to make it a
bit comfortable, like, `cause I don`t get out much."
"Well, yeah, it is. It`s a bit like my dad`s workshop. But no,
I meant the whole thing, really"
"How so, then?"
"Well, you, for a start. I don`t remember you as Bicycle
Repair Lad- you were always Maintenance Man, as far as I can remember."
"Don`t know anything about that," said BRL. "Rich Tea?"
"Lovely, thanks. But didn`t the LNH used to be a bit
more... well... serious?"
"Gawd blimey, are you joking? This bunch, serious? What`ve you
been taking?"
"Never mind." BRL put milk and teabags into two mugs, and
biscuits onto a battered plate. "So why Bicycle Repair Lad, then?"
BRL sat down on a chair, munched on a biscuit, and
considered. "Well, it`s a long story and all that. Well, not really. I
was watching Monty Python one day, you know the sketch-" Andrew
grinned and cut in with the appropriately melodramatic tones.
"`This... is Mr. F.G. Superman. To all intents and purposes an
ordinary citizen. But he has a secret. When danger calls... at any
time... he can become... Bicycle Repair Man!`"
"-that`s the one. Anyway, there I was, laughing my guts out,
when this mysterious voice spoke to me."
"Really?"
"Well, it might have been a bolt of lightning. Or some
chemicals falling on me. Or being cursed by a demon. I really don`t
remember. But when I woke up, I had the power to fix bicycles. And
pretty much anything else, if I turned my mind to it. And British
Humor, as well-"
"Hang on. How did you just spell "humour"?"
"Like what it`s supposed to! You know, H,U,M,O,R..."
Andrew waved his finger like the T-1000 at the end of T-2.
"Oh, bugger," said BRL.
"You`re American, aren`t you?"
"Don`t tell anyone. Please?"
"Don`t worry, I won`t. But why...?"
"Well... I just got pissed off with American humor, you know?
You Brits are just so funny!"
Andrew shrugged. "Nah. Cynical, more like. And anyway,
there`ve been some good American comedians... well, not many, but..."
The kettle boiled. "Well, I prefer the British stuff, anyway,
said BRL. "I`ve got all the videos..."
"Really? I collect films, myself." BRL poured boiling water
into the two mugs, and handed one to Andrew.
"Yeah, I heard. Have you got that Goons one, uh, "The Case of
the Missing Mukkerhorn" or something?"
"Of course. It was on BBC2 a couple of years ago."
"Great! I`d love a copy..."
"No problem." Andrew sipped at his tea. It was the first cup
of real, honest, English tea he`d had in weeks. "Ahhh... so anyway,
what about a flight.thingy, then?"
"Right," said BRL, setting his mug down on a workbench. "Now,
d`you want a small, personal one, or something for the team, or..."
The shopping group stood before another, slightly more open
and lightly decorated store. They had just spent quarter of an hour in
a coffee shop chatting, drinking various blends of exotic coffee and
munching on chocolate type things, and at last, they were out into the
streets again on the quest for clothes. Kirsty was feeling a little
more cheerful, now; coffee and chocolate can do that. As well as the
fact that she`d stopped talking to New Look Lass (who had been a bit
_too_ insistent about changing Kirsty`s style) and starting talking to
Cat for a bit instead. Cat`s general cheerfulness had a habit of
radiating out and making everyone else feel perky and ready to get
involved. So Kirsty didn`t stand aside as all the others entered and
began to select clothes.
"Are you actually going to buy anything in here...?" asked
Errand Boy of Cat, looking a little worried.
"Well, we`re going to try a few things on..."
Errand Boy`s eyes bulged for a moment.
"In the dressing room, silly!" She fumed. "Men!" She turned to
the others and said, "Okay, remember that they only allow four items
per person in the dressing room, so everyone grab stuff that other
people want as well!" Sounds fun, thought Kirsty. Now what shall I
have? Ah, yes, that pair of trousers looks nice, and that top, and-
no, maybe that one is a bit too low-cut- that sweatshirt (bit tacky,
but maybe good for casual wear), and one of those skirts from over
there. Laden down with her regulation four items, Kirsty joined the
others, who were similarly carrying their quota from all the various
coathangers that had been keeping them on racks.
The dressing room was downstairs, downstairs being totally
given over to that purpose. Cat led them all there, as they peeked at
what the others had taken and chatted amiably about the things they
were about to try on. Errand Boy was left behind upstairs, looking
very lost. Token Girl was the last to go down, and as she did, she
remembered E.B. and turned. "We won`t be long, okay?"
"Um. Sure." said Errand Boy, weakly. Token Girl smiled
apologetically and went downstairs. Errand Boy suddenly felt very
alone in the store. He looked around. It was widely spaced, with high
glass windows on two sides (this being the corner of a block), one of
which was punctuated by the wide entrance with the anti-theft devices
making it look almost like the entrance to a western saloon. Metal
tubing sprung from the thinly carpeted floor to make sloping racks
which were festooned with all kinds and manner of clothes. Errand Boy
still had difficulty getting over the sheer range and variation of
garments on sale; it seemed almost unfair, given the rather smaller
range of things that men could wear. And then he noticed the shop
assistants.
They were looking at him. All of them. At the sales desk, by
racks of clothes, just inside the door, standing by shelves of shoes-
every single one of them. He turned, feeling his skin crawl as their
gaze crept across it, and made out that he was the only person in the
room, the focus of all attention. And it was not kind attention. They
looked at him as though he were an invader in their private domain, an
alien thing that was oozing slime onto the carpet. Their eyes burned
at him, the foreign thing, and he wondered what they would have done
if he wasn`t obviously with a group of legitimate customers. Then he
remembered he was wearing spandex. He suddenly felt very selfconscious
indeed, and had an overwhelming urge to cover up those parts of his
body that marked him out as being specifically male. He resisted it
and felt blood rush to his face. Someone, somewhere in the shop, began
to play a harmonica in a tuneless wail.
Downstairs, it was party time. In the open plan changing room,
the net.heroines were trying on the clothes that they had brought with
them. Kirsty was well into the swing of things, feeling as though
she`d slipped back more than a year in time to happier days. "What do
you think of this?" she asked Cat.
"Oooh, cute," said Cat. "But you`d need the top to go with
it..."
"Hey, what about this top?" asked Bandwagon Chick.
"Just a _touch_ low-cut, don`t you think?" said Sim-Sorceress.
"Oh, I don`t know," said Pizza Girl. "Might be good for
playing pool in."
"Aili!" said Cat, shocked. "You aren`t supposed to sexually
intimidate men until you`re grown up!"
"Yeah, right," said Pizza Girl. "I`m not _that_ young..."
"Don`t worry about it, dear," said New Look Lass. "Have a try
of this one..."
"Wow! Cool!"
"Oh, yes," said Token Girl. "I _have_ to have this dress!"
"I wouldn`t," said Sim-Sorceress.
"Why not?" asked Token Girl, looking shocked.
"It _really_ clashes, you know?"
Token Girl looked in one of the many mirrors in the changing
room. "Oh, bugger," she said. "Another bright idea goes down the
drain..."
"What do you think of this, guys?" asked Cat, trying on an
ensemble of the many clothes that had been brought down. The others
looked at her with several expressions of disapproval. "Okay..." said
Cat, disappointed.
"Now, _this_ is really awful..." said Kirsty, holding up a
top. "who brought this in?"
"Actually, I was wearing it..." said Bandwagon Chick.
"Whoops."
Some more (many, many more) minutes of this later, and
everyone had tried on the things that they wanted to try
on. Reassuming their original clothes, they put everything back onto
the hangers, and headed for upstairs to return them. When they
ascended the stairs, they noticed that Errand Boy was standing stock
still in the middle of the shop, looking like a cat that`s just been
noticed by a car. Only more frightened. The moment he spotted the
shoppers emerging, he broke down and collapsed on the floor,
sobbing. "Get me out of here. Please?" Handing her pile of clothes to
New Look Lass, Token Girl helped him up, and led him outside.
"What happened?" asked Token Girl.
"No man should have to go through that," said Errand Boy. "It
was terrible. They all _looked_ at me!"
"Ah, diddums. How terrible for you." The others emerged from
the shop, remarkably unencumbered by carrier bags of any kind.
"What did you buy?" asked Errand Boy.
"Oh, nothing," said Cat, lightly.
"...Nothing?" said Errand Boy, shortly before collapsing onto
the pavement.
"Oh, well," said Pizza Girl. "Anyone for lunch?"
"Where are we going?" asked Kirsty.
"I`ll give you three guesses," said Sim-Sorceress. "And yes, it
does begin with P."
In one of those amazingly generic corridors of the LNHQ, Green
Trenchcoat was walking upon his way to somewhere else, when he heard a
rustle. He stopped to hear. Yes, definitely a rustle of some kind. The
kind of rustle that a confectionary wrapper makes when someone tosses
it carelessly aside. GT`s expression became as close to wrathful as it
ever gets. He located the source of the sound; just round the corner,
as with the footsteps that accompanied it, which were heading his
way. He moved to just before the turning, and floated a few feet up in
the air. So when the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life came round the
corner, he immediately yelped in fear at the imposing, trenchcoated,
glowing, floating figure that he had almost walked into, and fell back
upon the wall with a yelp.
"Hey man! That`s really mysterious and unhelpful!"
GT looked around the corner. Sure enough, a Mars Bar wrapper
was crumpled up and lying on the floor. He extended a beam of green
energy that picked it up and brought it back to float in front of the
litterer`s face. "What do you think _this_ is?" asked GT in dark,
unpleasant tones.
"Um... chocolate?" said the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life,
nervously.
"It is litter. It is rubbish. It is garbage. Carelessly tossed
away with no regard for the damage it might cause."
"Have you ever met Captain CleanUp?"
"Yes. And there is a principle at work here, even though your
act was unlikely to do harm. The Earth is fragile and fools harm it."
"Wow. And I thought your characterisation was supposed to be
interesting and uncliched..."
"Fool. I am the agent of the Earth Spirit... and I care not
for cliches. I have only my duty. And from you I will have your word
that you will dispose of your litter more carefully in future."
"Bite me."
"Your Americanisms will not serve you against a hero who is
British and does not understand them." Green Trenchcoat opened his
mouth, and showed enormous fangs within that seemed itching to do
damage to whatever part of the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life`s flesh was
nearest. GT`s unfortunate victim decided to eat his words in
preference to getting eaten.
"Uh... okay, man..."
"Your word."
"Sure. Right. Anything you say!"
"Good. Dispose of this." The wrapper floated down onto the
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life. "I will be watching." Green Trenchcoat
grinned again, and his teeth were normal. The erstwhile litterer fled
down the corridor in a hasty retreating manner. Green Trenchcoat
watched him go, then floated back down to the ground and resumed his
journey. He didn`t walk far; his own room was a only a short way
away. Using a key that he fished from a pocket, he opened the door and
slipped inside.
It was dark, and GT preferred it that way, at least for the
moment. The only light in the room came from his terminal, which had
been running a lengthy and complicated search program. The rapidly
flickering light illuminated a room that was largely bare, apart from
the ubiquitous contents of any LNH room, and one other object, that
looked remarkably like a phone booth in the dim light, but was far too
well designed to ever be seriously accused of being such.
Green Trenchcoat sat down at his terminal, which informed him
that the search was complete, and that the results were ready for his
perusal. He pressed a key.
NO TRACE OF SUBJECT.
He requested a verification.
NO TRACE OF SUBJECT.
He requested an enlargement of search parameters.
SEARCH PARAMETERS AT MAXIMUM LEVELS.
He turned the terminal off. In the dark, his face moved to an
expression that he would never have shown to the outside world:
despair.
Net.ropolis market is a busy, bustling affair, out in the open
air and taking up a sizable amount of ground, ground that is packed to
the brim with stalls of many sizes, shapes and contents. Grizzled
stallholders, veterans of many years of selling cheap (and possibly
nasty) products to the slightly suspecting public hawked their wares
alongside younger and slightly less honest practitioners of the
open-air market game. Here you could find things that no one else in
the city would stock, at least not at these prices. True, they didn`t
have particularly large amounts of any one item, but if you were
looking for stuff that was a little out of the way, either in it`s
description or it`s price, here was probably a good place to go.
In the midst of all the crowds hunting for bargains were
several happily shopping LNHers, one terminally depressed LNH
applicant, and Kirsty, who was feeling a bit confused. "Explain to me
again how the Order of St. Francis set up a pizza chain...?"
Pizza Girl rolled her eyes and started again. "Look. It`s all
for charity, okay? They overcame their vows of charity for a few
moments and realised that by undercutting all the other makers, they
could make huge amounts of money, which they could immediately give
away, making them keep their basic vow and a bit more on the
side. And besides, they make really good pizzas! Okay?"
"Just sounds a little bit odd, that`s all..."
"Oh, you`re hopeless, you are..." Pizza Girl was distracted by
a stall that sold trinkets, hairbands, cheap jewellery, and other
strange items. Most of the others were similarly poring over it.
"Hey, this hairnet would be perfect for LARPing!"
"I think I`ll have that comb..."
"Do you think we`ll get any holovids in all this dreck?"
That last voice. It was familiar from somewhere, and it wasn`t
coming from the stall that the LNHers were frequenting. Kirsty scanned
around for it`s owner.
"Rodice! We`ve spent enough credit as it _is_!"
"My MAMcard can stand it if yours can`t..."
"Mine`s holding out for Ms. Anthrope`s Riot Surpluz, okay? I
don`t wanna get crumped in a side-artery for the sake of popular
entertainment..." Kirsty`s eyes widened as she recognised the two
women who were perusing a stall full of videotapes. She knew them
well, but had never expected to see them in the flesh.
"Uh, Cat...?"
"Yeah?"
"You see those two over there...?"
"Which... Oh, the gratuitous Halo Jones reference? Don`t
worry, it`s just your writer showing off."
"Er... right." That made even less sense. "What exactly do you
mean?"
"You mean you don`t...? Oh. You don`t. Oh, well, it`s pretty
simple. We`re all characters in a comic book (well, sorta), and so we
all have writers who shape our lives. Unless you`re an NWC like me, in
which case anyone can come along and write you into a story."
Kirsty looked blankly at Cat, whom she suspected of temporary
insanity. Cat sighed. "When he retconned you in, he didn`t give you
much to go on, did he?" He? Thought Kirsty.
"Not... exactly." A man? Her... writer... was a man?
"Look, don`t worry about it. At least you have a regular
writer. That way you`ve got a good chance of coherent character
development. It`s all a bit hit and miss for people like me, I`m
afraid."
"Did you say that my writer is... male?"
"I think so. Does that bother you?"
Kirsty looked at Cat. Of course it bothered her! "What do you
think? You`re saying that some bloke can spy on me any time he
_likes_?!?"
"This isn`t alt.sex.stories, you know. We have rules
about that sort of thing."
Kirsty looked away and refused to believe it. "No. It doesn`t
make sense."
"It`s the way things are," said Cat. "I`m sorry... I should
have thought." Cat really did look sorry that she`d dropped such a
bombshell. "I`m sorry." Cat put her hand on Kirsty`s shoulder, trying
to console her.
"I... well." Kirsty shrugged. "I suppose anything could be
true, with all the stuff that`s happened."
"Tell me about it." Kirsty looked up at Cat. She didn`t want
to talk about it... Hadn`t wanted to for a long time. But
still... maybe it would be good to get it out of her head. Her
resistance to speaking crumbled, and, hesitantly, she started
speaking.
"My Mum died."
"I`m sorry..."
"Yeah, well... she was like me. A servant of the
Leviathan. We`ve never had any choice, any of us in my family. I
didn`t. The first I heard about my mother`s death was when the
Leviathan summoned me and told me I had inherited her job."
"That`s terrible," said Cat, aghast.
"I was at Uni at the time, and... well... I couldn`t handle it
any more. My Mum was dead and I had all this new shit to deal
with. I`ve just..." Kirsty broke off, trying not to let tears rise,
before continuing, "nothing`s happened since then. I`ve lost
everything that made sense, and all I`ve had to go on with is this
stupid superhero thing."
"What is it that`s wrong?"
"Everything! I`m just, I`m just _dead_ all the time. All I
ever do is keep up with fighting the bad guys and never really get
anywhere. I haven`t got a _life_." Kirsty sniffed back tears. "Oh,
shit. This is really stupid, right? Like nobody else has worse
problems than me, why should I feel bad..."
"Hey. Listen. You`ve got every right to feel bad, okay? If
that stuff had happened to me, I would."
"Yeah."
"Oh, come on." Cat hugged Kirsty, and Kirsty smiled
weakly. "Have a tissue." Kirsty wiped her eyes. "You`ve just never had
a chance to get over it all. You`ve hardly had any rest since your
mother died, have you?"
"It`s just been... one mission after another. Israishus
thought I should be kept busy."
"Idiot. That`s the worst thing. You`ve got to have a little
time for these things."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. So take some. Have some fun. Starting now."
"How?"
"See that shop over there?"
"The Body Shop?"
"That`s the one. Guess where we`re going next?" Kirsty smiled.
"Okay. Shit, I feel like a right idiot, here in public..."
"Don`t worry. Nobody else noticed. That`s one of the good
things about being in a fictional universe; if the writer doesn`t put
something in, it isn`t there. Have you noticed anyone butting into our
conversation, or even looking at us?"
"Not really."
"Then it`s between us. Okay?"
"Okay. Well. Shall we hit the Body Shop, then?"
"Let`s."
Andrew knocked on Occultism Kid`s door. "WHADDAYAWANT?" barked
an unfriendly voice that was far too gravelly and vicious to have been
Occultism Kid`s. It took Andrew a little by surprise.
"er... Is Occultism Kid in?"
"And WHY should I tell YOU? Buncha razza frazzin`..." The
voice degenerated into incoherent but offensive mumbles. Even
stranger.
"You`re the door warden, right?"
"Too BLOODY right!"
"All I want to do is pass through..."
"Well you CAN`T. I`m fed up to the BACK FANGS with this
warding lark. Go and find some other superhero to annoy."
"Look, I really need to see him, okay? What`s the matter with
you, anyway?"
"What`s the matter with ME? What`s the friggin` matter with
YOU?" Andrew was taken aback by the sudden Martin Scorsese
reference. But not for long.
"Whatsa matter with me? Whatsa matter with ME? You, ya lazy
bum! Ya didn`t make da payment didja? Eh, didjaaaaa? So now I gotta go
round town bustin my balls just to get all dese wiseguys off your ass
before dey try to OFF your ass, you get whaddi mean? You wanna get
whacked in some back alley? Eh? Dooya? So make the friggin` payments,
for christ`s sake."
The door warden was silent for a moment. Then it replied,
rather more tremulously. "...You`re Demon Boy, aren`t you?"
Andrew grinned. "Thaaat`s right." He took the DEMONIMONIKERON
from it`s pouch and began flipping through it`s pages. "And I think
I`ve got your name here somewhere..."
"Okay! I`ll tell him! Just- don`t summon me! Please? Pretty
please with sugar on the top?"
"Get on with it."
"Right! I`m there!" The next voice was Occultism Kid`s.
"Well let him in then, twit!"
"Sorry! I`m sorry! I really am, I mean it!" The door swung
open, and Andrew stepped inside, through the heavy air of the doorway,
and into Occultism Kid`s room.
It was dark. Candles provided little more than dramatic
shading, making objects and furniture huge, looming, and
uncertain. Aromatic incense filled the air, swathing and twisting in
candlelight into strange and possibly unfriendly shapes. The smoke was
tending upwards, rising to a place high, near the ceiling; Andrew
looked up, and there was Occultism Kid, levitating in a lotus position
high above the floor, with rings of smoke encircling him in
disturbingly regular patterns. "Sorry about the warden..." said
Occultism Kid from his high perch.
"No problem. It`s only a demon, after all."
Occultism Kid began to float down. "I should get another one
really, but you can`t blame the poor bugger. After UN sliced his door
to pieces, he was a bit, well, cut up about it."
"Puns like that will get you nowhere."
"Heh. Sorry." Occultism Kid unwound from the lotus as he
decended, until his feet reached the floor. "So, what were you after?"
"It was you who wanted to see me, I think."
"Oh, right." Occultism Kid turned on the light switch, and the
room looked normal once more. "Sorry. I should remember these
things... right, well, I basically wanted to have a chat about your
powers, really..."
"Fine," said Andrew.
"Have a chair. I`ll get some coffee."
"Uh, no thanks. Just had some tea, and that`s enough caffeine
for the moment."
"Fair enough." Occultism Kid switched on the kettle that
rested upon his desk, and put coffee and chocolate syrup into a
mug. "Okay, well, it`s like this." He took an easy chair for himself,
and rested upon it. "I just cannot figure out your powers. I mean,
summoning without any ritual? Nothing at all? Not only should nothing
happen, but even if it did, they ought to fry you every time!"
"Mm. Well, yeah, I suppose. Never seems to happen that way,
though."
"And there`s the problem. Whatever you do, it _does_ work. You
do with one word a summoning that would take me ages to prepare."
"Professional jealousy?"
"A bit. But I`m really curious to know how you do it."
"Okay, well..." Andrew sat back and thought: How did he do it?
There wasn`t any thought involved; he just did it. "I just say the
name and the demon pops up, that`s all."
"Would the demon come if you just said the name offhand, not
intending to summon it?"
"Uh, don`t think so. I have to want it to come, first."
"Hmm. Well, that`s something. What about the book?"
"Uh, the DEMONIMONIKERON?"
"That`s the one."
Andrew sighed. "I`m still not quite used to this thing of
nobody remembering who I am."
"How so?"
"You gave the book to me."
Occultism Kid was deeply surprised. "I did?"
"That`s what I remember."
"Riiiight. I-" Occultism Kid stopped, his eyes suddenly
focussed upon somewhere very far away, lost in something that Andrew
couldn`t see. His face relaxed completely, losing all expression.
"What is it?" asked Andrew. No response. "Occultism Kid? Are
you there?"
Occultism Kid snapped back to reality. "Uh, what? Yeah,
sorry. Just had this weird vision..."
Andrew raised an eyebrow. "Anything good?"
"I don`t know... didn`t make any sense. A badger chasing a
dalek. The badger was annoyed for some reason. Couldn`t tell why."
"Weird."
"Yeah... what was I talking about?"
"The DEMONIMONIKERON."
"Yeah. Can I have a look at it?"
"Sure." Andrew took the book from it`s pouch, and handed it to
Occultism Kid. It was quite a small volume, looking old and leathery;
the cover was dark, and worn at the edges. printed in gold upon the
front and spine was the name DEMONIMONIKERON, in an Old English script
that was irregular, and looked inscribed by hand rather than by more
modern methods. Occultism Kid opened it, and found the pages to be of
an old, textured kind of paper, rough around the edges in the parts
that hadn`t been worn down by time. Flipping through it`s pages, he
found many entries for many demons, arranged in alphabetical order,
but with no space to insert new ones. A typical entry went like this:
NAME: Yorgoth
KNOWN ALIASES: The putrescent one, the lord of the dunghill.
RANK: Cavalier under the Duke Ret`thenneth
APPEARANCE: You don`t want to know.
NOTES: Useful for stinking out the opposition, or causing defilement
of cleanliness.
Occultism Kid flipped to the back, and found a comprehensive
index of all the demons in the book. He noticed that the hand
throughout was an ancient and difficult one; not Andrew`s, he
surmised. He flipped to the front, and found a single title page:
DEMONIMONIKERON
By the Archmage Sulatis
Published by Antediluvian Press
Atlantis - Rome - Athens - Glastonbury
Flipping another page back, he found an inscription on the
very first page:
To Demon Boy
On your 18th Birthday
This might come in handy
-Occultism Kid
It was definitely Occultism Kid`s handwriting; but he didn`t
remember writing it. "Weird," he said. "How does it work?"
"It, uh, changes as it needs to. Every time I put a new entry
in, it sort of makes space, and puts the index entry in, too. It only
had a few names in it when you- well, someone very like you, anyway-
gave it to me. It`s gotten a bit bigger since then."
"I don`t think I`ve ever come across something like
this. Listen, I`ve got some stuff to do right now, but can you come
back tomorrow, or soonish? I really want to look into this."
"Sure."
Errand Boy was not a happy bunny. It was getting on for
mid-afternoon now, and he was beginning to lose track of all the shops
that the group had visited since lunchtime; he`d learned by now that
it was safer simply to wait outside, given the male-hostile nature of
many shop assistants. The only shop they`d been in which had anything
at all upon it`s shelves that he could relate to was The Body Shop,
which he had wandered round whilst all the girls were dabbing things
like lipstick and eyeshadow onto fingertips and wondering whether or
not to buy. There had been a small section filled with products
"mostly for men" which he`d perused, but he still hadn`t found
anything in it he needed; he didn`t need any shaving foam or
aftershave or anything like that, though if they`d had anything that
stopped razors from slicing his face occasionally, he would have
happily bought it. There was a quote below the shelves from Albert
Camus: "From a certain age, every man has to look after his own face."
Well, he did so, but he didn`t need anything very esoteric to do it
with.
The group had made it`s way back to the very first shop by
now; the girls hadn`t bought very much elsewhere- just the odd trinket
or article of clothing here and there. Errand Boy sighed and simply
headed for a handy bench as they went in.
Kirsty, on the other hand, was quite a happy bunny indeed. It
had been far too long since she`d had this much fun. She`d bought a
few things here and there, but had the feeling that most of the good
stuff was in the first store they`d been in, and so had saved her
money until then. The last year or so had been like living in an
endless and dark maze that offered no way out- trapped within high
walls that only ever grew higher. This situation of being "retconned"
had been terrible at first- but now it looked like making life into a
far better place to be. Odd that it should be so, she thought; things
change for the strangest of reasons. As her friends took all the
clothes that they were interested in upstairs to the changing room to
give them a try, Kirsty grabbed some of her own and listened to the
conversation again.
"Michael Stipe does not drone!"
"Oh, come _on_! Listen to him! Same old tone, on and on, over
and over- I just can`t even listen to REM any more."
"I prefer Blur, myself..."
"You can`t tell me Night Swimming isn`t a brilliant track."
...and so on and so forth. Whatever world this is, thought
Kirsty, it isn`t a bad one.
Some little time later, the shoppers emerged from the store,
laden down with carrier bags of several sizes and descriptions. Errand
Boy looked up from his bench and goggled. They`d bought something?
They`d actually _bought_ something? And by the look of it, they were
mightily pleased with their new acquisitions.
"You _bought_ stuff?" he asked, incredulously.
"Sure!" said Cat. "And you were right; there was absolutely
_tons_ of great things in there!"
"Just look at this jacket!" enthused Token Girl.
"I cannot _believe_ the dress I found!" said Pizza Girl.
"Even I`m impressed," said New Look Lass.
"Oh, good. Can we go back to the LNHQ now?" said Errand Boy, a
little weakly.
"Nope. One more stop," said Cat. Errand Boy collapsed in despair. "But
you`ll like it."
"I can`t take any more..."
"It`s a comic shop." Errand Boy`s face lit up like Oxford
Street at christmas.
"Comics? Really?"
"In the flesh. Well, paper."
"I feel much better now."
"I thought you might."
They set off in the direction of Net.ropolis Comics, and
Kirsty began to wonder what kinds of manga and anime they had in
there. She only had a small obsession with japanese comics and
animation; just a teensy, little one. They wouldn`t remember her, of
course, but she really ought to get her order started up once
more. The group paced through the wide, friendly streets of
Net.ropolis, and soon reached the shop, which was probably the largest
comic shop upon the face of the earth; window displays of fine and
not-so-fine comics almost burst out from the windows, and a large
rubbish van in front was collecting boxes of unsold Image, Defiant and
Valiant comics that no one in their right minds had wanted. The group
entered. Inside, it was cluttered, but not so much that nothing could
be found; walls and shelves piled high with comics and comic-related
items, and more to be found everywhere. The group split, heading for
their favourite portions of the store. Kirsty headed for the manga and
anime section immediately, finding herself accompanied by Token
Girl. They both had the same reaction when they got there.
"IT`S TOTORO!!!!"
The rest of the shop suddenly became very quiet, as Kirsty and
Token Girl looked nervously around to find that they had, indeed,
spoken exactly the same thing at the same time. After realising that
it was just a couple of mad people expressing surprise at an exhibit
in the manga & anime section, the shop went back to it`s usual buzz of
discussions about when Sandman was going to end, where Bone was going
next, when Dave Sim would start being coherent, and other interesting
comments. Token Girl and Kirsty embarassedly looked at each
other. "Hi.", said Kirsty, putting out a hand for Token Girl to shake,
"My name`s Kirsty and I`m a mangaholic."
"Me too," admitted Token Girl. "So what do you think of that?"
The "that" in question was a six foot tall stuffed doll of
Totoro, the large sized creature from Hayao Miyazaki`s Ai No Totoro
(My Neighbour Totoro, according to the subbed version). It was
incredibly cute and endearing, even though it did tower over everyone
in the store. "I think I want it," said Kirsty. Oh, yes. It was
perfect, and wonderful. Having an enormous Totoro hanging about would
be amazing.
"How many do you think they have in stock?" asked Token Girl.
"Just the three," said a passing and helpful shop assistant.
"We`ll take two," said Kirsty. "And I want to start an order
as well."
"I don`t know if I can afford it..." said Token Girl.
"Neither do I."
"Let`s buy them anyway."
"Definitely."
Ten minutes later, two enormous Totoros were the property of
the two net.heroines. Kirsty decided it was high time to get her order
sorted; she went to the desk and gave them a list. "Okay, I want
Nausicaa, Ranma-"
"Uh... we`ve already got an order under your name."
Kirsty was somewhat surprised. "You have?"
"K. Jones?"
"That`s the one."
"Well, here it is- manga titles mostly. Do you want to take
them now?"
"Uh... sure..." Kirsty paid for a large sheath of manga and
wondered why, when nobody remembered her, her order at Net.ropolis
comics was still on the books. Odd. Now she thought of it, it was
probably connected to the way she still had a room- her old room- at
the LNH, even though no one remembered her. Must find out what this is
about, she thought. Carrying her Totoro somehow, she made her way back
to the front of the shop, and met the others.
"Well, _you`ve_ been busy!" said Cat to Token Girl and Kirsty.
"Do you think we should radio in a flight.thingy to get them
home?" asked Pizza Girl.
"Why bother when there`s Errand Boy standing idle?" said
Sim-Sorceress. All eyes turned to Errand Boy.
"I can`t carry those by myself!" he complained. "I`ll help,
though."
"This," said Kirsty, "Is going to be an interesting journey."
It was mid-afternoon, and Andrew was bored. Still two and a
half hours to go until the seminar, no sign of the other two, and
nothing else to do, unless he wanted to be sliced and diced by the
peril room, or try out the new flight.thingy that fitted snugly around
his left wrist, acting as a chronometer in addition to it`s flying
abilities. That left only one thing: watching a film. So what hadn`t
he seen recently? And then he remembered. Before the LOH had been sent
off on that mad mission by Israishus, the one that had eventually
landed them here for no known reason, he`d bought a widescreen copy of
Once Upon A Time In The West.
Oh, yes.
It had to be done.
Rushing to his room, he found the video- still wrapped in
cellophane- retrieved it, and headed for the rec.room video to watch
it. Well, why deprive others of the best western ever?
"Left a bit... no, try right instead..." said Kirsty as she
and Errand Boy tried to navigate the steps to the front entrance of
the LNHQ, burdened as they were by an enormous Totoro. Not so very far
away, Token Girl and Bandwagon Chick were having the same
problem. "Okay, try going forward for a bit..." They tried it. Forward
wasn`t really an operative term at the moment.
"I think..." said Errand Boy, "...that maybe we should get
some help."
"Probably a good idea," said Kirsty. "Okay, let`s put it down
carefully this time, okay?"
"Right."
"One, two, three... and _down_!" It went down, with an
enormous FLUMP. They stood and regarded it. Then they regarded the
doors. Then the Totoro again.
No _way_ was it going to fit through.
"You might as well give up over there. We`re not going to make
it," said Kirsty to Token Girl and Bandwagon Chick. "Those doors won`t
take it..." Token Girl and Bandwagon Chick lowered their Totoro with
another FLUMP. Sim-Sorceress, who, along with Pizza Girl and New Look
Lass, was laden down with all the items procured on the shopping trip
that the Totoro bearers had given up, looked quizzically at the doors
and said "I thought they were larger than that..."
"Probably the general unpredictability of the LNHQ," said
Cat. "It has a habit of warping to fit the storyline. Silly, but there
you go."
"Oh well. I`ll go and see if anyone`s around," said Kirsty,
heading for the door. Inside, the receptionist was apparently poking
food under her desk, and there seemed to be a small crowd by the TV
and video.
"Go `way! Don`t want you to... see me die. Go `way!" said
Jason Robards. Charles Bronson turned away and mounted his horse,
expressionless. He rode on for a short while, whilst Robards coughed
his last. The music stopped. So did Bronson. Robards was dead. Cut to
a wide shot of the whole of Monument Valley; Bronson leads Robards`
horse and body away, and the scene pans to show Claudia Cardinale
giving water to the thirsty railroad workers, and then away again, far
into the mountains. The film ends.
"Hey, great film, man!" said the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life.
"I liked the "death of the Western" motif particularly," said PC
Person.
"Cool gunfight, dude!" said California Kid.
"Excuse me..." said Kirsty.
"What a load of tacky crap!" said Opinionated Lad.
"RATHER A FINE FILM, I THOUGHT," capped CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE.
"I think I`ll watch that one again later," said the Incredible
Unsleeping Man.
"I could do with some help out here..."
Andrew noticed Kirsty, through the haze of still being lost in
the music of the film. "Hey, Kirsty! What`s up?"
"Hi. Oh, just a couple of six foot Totoros that we`ve got to
get into the building somehow..."
"SIX FOOT TOTOROS?!?!?"
"HEY!" shouted CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE.
"Um, yeah. We went on a bit of a shopping trip..."
"Six foot Totoros..." moaned Andrew.
"I think I might have an idea, guv." said Bicycle Repair Lad.
"Go for it."
"How about we get out one of the big flight.thingys and winch
them in through the landing bay?"
"Brilliant!" said Kirsty.
"Up a bit... down a bit... to the left..." said Andrew as he
attempted to locate the right point for the winch to be lowered, and
tell Parking Karma Kid this as well. They were hovering in a
flight.thingy above the entrance to the LNHQ, upon which the two
Totoros stood side-by-side, having just been fitted with extra-large
lifting harnesses. Andrew was looking out of a hatch in the
flight.thingy`s underside, from where the winching mechanism was
waiting to be deployed.
"That okay?" asked PKK.
"Perfect!" said Andrew. "Lower the winch."
"Lowering away," said PKK. The mechanism trundled, and the
line descended to the Totoros. Below, Kirsty and Errand Boy attached
the line to the first Totoro. Kirsty gave a thumbs up.
"Okay, lift!"
"Lifting," said Parking Karma Kid. Slowly, majestically, the
Totoro began to ascend, making the trip to the flight.thingy in a
smooth line that drew quite a crowd from within the LNHQ. The Totoro
glided up through the hatch and into the cargo bay of the
flight.thingy, where Andrew and Bicycle Repair Lad swung it aside and
disconnected it. "We okay for the second one?" asked PKK.
"Left hand down a bit," said BRL.
"Did you absolutely _have_ to make that quote?" asked
Andrew. Bicycle Repair Lad looked at him innocently. "We`re ready!"
said Andrew. "Winching..." said PKK. The second Totoro made the same
journey with the same ease.
"See you inside!" Shouted Andrew to the people below. "Okay,
go for it," he said to Parking Karma Kid.
"Wilco," said PKK. The flight.thingy rose up, above the level
of the LNHQ roof, floated sideways over the opened hatch to the launch
bay, and gently came to a rest in it`s appropriate spot. "We`re down,"
said PKK. "Who thought up this ridiculous stunt?"
"I did, guv."
"You`re bloody mad, the lot of you. Okay, let`s get these
ridiculous things out." Through dint of hard pushing, the three heroes
managed to get the gigantic stuffed toys out onto the launch bay
floor, where they were soon joined by their owners.
"Hey, thanks!" said Token Girl. "E.B., can you give me a
hand?" Errand Boy sighed, and thought to himself that he`d better damn
well get into the Legion after what he`d been through. He and Token
Girl departed through the spacious doors of the launch bay, carrying
TG`s Totoro.
"Care to give me a hand?" asked Kirsty.
"Be happy to," said Andrew. "Thanks for the lift, guys!"
"No problem," said Parking Karma Kid. "The next time you`ve
got a harebrained scheme, let me know."
"Sure. Be seeing you..." Andrew and Kirsty lifted the Totoro
and set off down the hallways to Kirsty`s room. "So why did you buy
this thing?"
"You know how much I like Totoro."
"Yeah, but aren`t you a little short of cash?"
"I am now. Turned out that my bank account was still in
existence, though. And my order at Net.ropolis Comics."
"Weird. I`ve been finding some of the same stuff. Some bits of
our lives are still intact, and some aren`t..."
"Okay... let`s see if we can fit it in the door..."
"Right... get behind it and push..."
"Okay... go." They pushed, and somehow squeezed the Totoro
into Kirsty`s room, on top of all the other things that were lying
about in a generally disorganised manner. It fell over, and hit the
bookshelf, spilling much of the contents onto the floor, the bed, and
the Totoro itself.
"Lovely mess we`ve made."
"Oh, don`t worry. I`m going to clear up anyway."
"You are?"
"Yeah."
"What happened???"
Kirsty looked at Andrew and smilingly shrugged. "I don`t
know. I sort of... well, you know how I`ve been since my Mum died."
"I`ve... only known you since then. But yeah."
"I think it`s time I got over it."
Andrew was stilled. "...Probably a good move..."
"Yeah. Things have been shitty, y`know?"
"Well...
"I never had a moment to stop and think before... and while I
was out shopping, I did. So there it is."
Andrew looked a little surprised. "Shit. I mean... I thought
that, the way you were was just, well... the way you were. I`m
sorry. I should have noticed..."
"Don`t worry about it." Kirsty hugged Andrew, feeling better
and happier than she had for a very long time. Andrew hugged back,
more than a little surprised at the change in Kirsty. they diengaged,
and smiled at each other. "Okay. I`d better kick you out now. I`ve got
to get changed before the seminar."
"Well, you don`t _have_ to..." leered Andrew, brightly.
"Oi!" grinned Kirsty. "Move it or I`ll do unspeakable things
to your entrails..."
"Okay! I`ll see you at the seminar."
"Absolutely. Are you going, or what?"
"I`m gone." Andrew left, feeling strange. Something about
Kirsty had really, definitely changed, and, it seemed, for the
better. He smiled to himself, and headed off for his own room.
A very short while later, Andrew and Kirsty met outside the
seminar room. It was nearly four, and several LNHers had already
arrived. Kirsty had changed back into her costume, and Andrew noticed
something else as well, at which he raised an eyebrow in surprise.
"What?" asked Kirsty of the eyebrow.
"Nothing, it`s just... you`re wearing makeup?"
"Yeah. What do you think?" As makeup went, it wasn`t bad. A
few subtle tones here and there just to make Kirsty`s face a little
more attractive.
"I like it." said Andrew. Kirsty looked dubious.
"You`re not just saying that, are you?"
"No, I mean it. You look pretty good. Not that you didn`t
before, but-" Kirsty`s face brightened.
"Thanks! Actually, I feel a bit self conscious about it. It`s
been so long since I`ve bothered..."
"No, it`s good on you. Really!"
Kirsty smiled. "So where`s Green Trenchcoat, then?"
Andrew shrugged. "I`ve no idea. Haven`t seen him all
day. Apparently, he gave the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life a
real fright, though."
"Littering, was he?"
"Yep."
"Heh. I think they`ll get the idea soon."
"Indeed they shall, Leviathan Lass," said Green Trenchcoat as
he arrived on the scene. "I shall not tolerate littering in any form
whilst I am here." Andrew perused the sentence that GT had just
spoken.
"Hang on... `whilst you`re here`? You mean you might be
leaving?"
"Perhaps. There are other matters which may need my
attention. But I shall not be leaving immediately. I have yet to
decide."
"I don`t know, I think we ought to stick together, at least
until we get all this mess sorted out," said Kirsty.
"Speaking of which, we ought to grab some seats before there
aren`t any left..." said Andrew.
"Let us then enter," said GT. They did, joining the flow of
heroes into the seminar room, which, for once, wasn`t quite big
enough. The three LOHers took seats somewhere in the middle of the
crowd, and waited patiently for the seminar to begin. The room was
very quickly filled, and soon it was the case that some, very late,
LNHers, just weren`t going to get in. As soon as the room reached
capacity, Deja Dude rose and faced the crowd.
"We're all happy to have with us today Doctor Vincent Stomper
of the Legion of Net.Heroes..."
"We know who he is!" Sarcastic Lad complained.
Deja Dude looked annoyed. "In that case, Doctor Stomper, you
may begin." Deja Dude reassumed his seat, and Doctor Stomper took the
stage, putting a transparency onto the OHP.
"The title of my talk today is 'Time, Continuity and the
Effect of Retcon Hour'."
"No kid--!" Inacoustic Lad took a small bow as Sarcastic Lad
looked rather miffed at the way his mouth was opening and no words
were coming out.
"I'm going to start by giving two alternative explanations of
how time works..."
Some few minutes later, Doctor Stomper finished his talk,
letting Deja Dude take the stage once more. Deja Dude announced the
creation of the two new LNH subgroups, the Red and Green teams,
survived a comment from Grammar Lad, before Netiquette Lad made a
comment:
"Does this mean you`re reserving these characters?"
"No," replied Deja Dude, "just stating an intention to use
them... although coordinating with others would be nice."
Self-Righteous Preacher rose, looking suspicious. "Does this
mean that you are, as they say, a Writer Character in the literal
sense of the term?"
"What`s he up to?" muttered Kirsty.
"Well... yes." replied Deja Dude.
"So you`re responsible for the contents of individual issues?"
"Not all of them."
"What about LNH 87 and 88?"
Deja Dude nodded. "Yeah. That was me."
Self-Righteous Preacher had a look of mad triumph on his
face. He gritted his teeth and said, "Deja Dude, I hereby accuse you
of distributing Pornography on the net!"
There was bedlam. LNHers rose to shout their opinions, and
Andrew and Kirsty joined in. There was definitely something wrong
here, and, having known Deja Dude previously, they didn`t think he was
the kind of man who`d do that.
"Is that so?" Deja Dude asked.
Self-Righteous Preacher nodded sternly. "Indeed... and for that
you must pay!"
"How?"
"Come to my service this Sunday and you'll see." He sneered.
Deja Dude looked like he wasn`t taking it seriously. "Fair
enough," he said. "I`ll see you all there. Rob, can I have a word or
two?" Deja Dude beckoned to Master Blaster, and the two left the room
to discuss the situation.
Loud discussions started up again; everyone in the room had an
opinion, though some were more keen to vent theirs than
others. Arguments rolled back and forth upon the validity of
pornography in a modern society, the moral rights of authors, and the
worthiness of cream cheese as applied to confectionery. Andrew and
Kirsty joined in on Deja Dude`s side, whilst Green Trenchcoat simply
sat it out, observing. After some time of debate, however, the steam
of controversy began to leave the room; The LNH started to leave in
dribs and drabs, many still talking and venting opinions. Organic
Lass, in particular, looked deeply suspicious of the whole thing.
The LOH gathered outside the seminar room. "Well, _that_ was
eventful," said Andrew.
"I don`t believe it," said Kirsty. "Deja Dude wouldn`t do
that. I mean, how long have we known him?"
"If you consulted Deja Dude, I believe the answer would be
`not very long`," said Green Trenchcoat.
"There is that," said Andrew.
"Anyway, it`s wrong," said Kirsty. "I think we should support
Deja Dude."
"Yeah, me too," said Andrew.
"I concur," said Green Trenchcoat.
"Well, I`m starving. Let`s get something to eat..." said Andrew.
The LOH entered the cafeteria. There weren`t many people in;
they found a table with ease, and food even more easily. Kirsty didn`t
feel too hungry, what with the Franciscan pizza still digesting within
her, and settled for a couple of sandwiches, whilst the others took
full meals. Andrew selected something very unhealthy with chips,
whilst Green Trenchcoat collected a salad together. They ate for a
while, until Kirsty spoke.
"Pity we didn`t get anything out of the seminar."
"It was singularly uninformative," said GT.
"Dunno though. I think we`ve all noticed some odd things about
the place recently," said Andrew.
"Yeah. The rooms, the bank accounts, my order at the comic
shop... what have you noticed?" asked Kirsty of GT.
"Nothing further to your own discoveries."
"What about other dimensions and stuff?" asked Andrew
"I would know it," said GT. "The Earth Spirit would change in
certain ways. This has not happened."
"Pity," said Kirsty. "It`d be a good explanation."
"Wouldn`t explain all the stuff that`s come in along with us,"
said Andrew.
"Unless we go for the retcon theory. Which I just don`t like
the sound of," said Kirsty.
"Yeah. There`s got to be more to it than that."
"Good evening," said a powerful and impressive voice. The
LOHers turned to see Kid Kirby standing, imposingly, by their
table. "allow me to introduce myself. I am _Kid Kirby_" -his
perspectives seemed, unaccountably, to distort as he said this-
"wielder of the Power Kirby, and I have been given word of your
plight. If there is any way that I may be of assistance, I pledge my
might to your aid. So swears _Kid Kirby_!"
"Ah... well... The problem is..." said Andrew.
"...That we don`t know what the problem is," said Kirsty.
"There are many strange aspects to our current plight," said
Green Trenchcoat, "and we do not yet fully understand them."
"Does not the explanation of Doctor Stomper provide some
enlightenment?"
"Not really. I mean, it does explain what happened in one way,
but we can`t help feeling there`s more to it." said Kirsty.
"Yeah, " said Andrew. "If it was just a retcon, then how come
no one remembers us, but we remember everyone- although some by
different names?"
"It is indeed perplexing," said the Kirbian. Some other LNhers
came into the cafeteria and took other tables.
"And also," said GT, "there is the matter of Israishus."
"Who is this person?"
"He`s sort of the most important paranormal on the planet,"
said Andrew. "Only he doesn`t exist anymore." Another group of heroes
entered the cafeteria, and started to talk about baseball.
Kid Kirby paused to think. "I have no knowledge of any such
person on this world. Though there was, in millenia past, a mighty
emperor of a distant star system that claimed the name of
Israishus. But this would seem irrelevant." Yet more people came into
the cafeteria, which was starting to look quite crowded.
"It seems strange, not having Israishus coordinating
everything," said Andrew.
"Have you considered the possibility of dimensional travel?"
"We have," said GT, "and there is strong evidence against it."
"Kid Kirby!" hailed a voice. The four heroes turned to seek
the voice, and found that it belonged to Sig.Lad.
"I am here, Sig.Lad," said Kid Kirby as Sig.Lad came over,
"Consulting with the Legion of Occult Heroes on their current
misfortunes."
Sig.Lad reached the table. "Oh, right. Hi there, we haven`t
met, my name`s Sig.Lad- Kid Kirby, I`ve got some bad news."
"Continue."
"It`s Constellation. We think he may be darkening."
There was a silence in the tables around that point.
"Who`s Constellation?" asked Andrew.
"He`s..." Sig.Lad stopped, thought, and went on. "Well, it`s
difficult to explain. Let`s just say he`s on the cosmic power level,
from another dimension, and one of us, at least from time to time."
"You say that he is... darkening?" said Kid Kirby
"It`s possible. We- that is the Dvanders- were going after
Baron Umlaut, and Constellation was acting sort of odd."
"How so?"
"It was like he couldn`t be bothered with the plot anymore. He
just ended the story, and disappeared. He _said_ he wasn`t turning
evil, but still, we`re worried. I thought it best to warn you, in case
anything happens."
"What might happen?" Asked Kirsty.
Sig.Lad looked worried and pale. "He`s damn powerful. Moreso
than Kid Kirby, possibly as bad as Master Workload. If he tries to
attack us, then, well, we might not last very long."
"This is indeed disturbing," said Kid Kirby. "But, though it
may cost me my life, I vow that I will be in the vanguard of the
resistance against such a threat. So swears _Kid Kirby_!"
"Do a lot of that, do you?" asked Kirsty.
"Comes with the territory," affirmed the Kirbian.
And then something happened. Glowing letters appeared in the
air in the middle of the cafeteria, bearing the message, "Go to the
arena". Surprisingly, no one stood up in a dramatic manner, made a
solilquy, or vowed to get to the bottom of this. The three LOHers
understood, as something they felt along with everyone else, that this
was non-threatening, and yet important.
The arena was quite clearly the arena which had been built for
the RACCelestial Madonna Pageant, which still stood in
Net.ropolis. Kirsty said to Andrew, "Shall we?"
He replied warmly. "I think so." Together with Green
Trenchcoat, they stood and left the cafeteria. They made their way to
the front steps of the LNHQ. "Did you pick up your flight.thingy yet?"
asked Andrew of Kirsty.
"No," she said. "I`ve been a little busy today."
"I shall carry you," said Green Trenchcoat.
"Okay, then. Let`s go."
Along with many, many other heroes, they arrived at the arena,
quietly expectant of something. "What d`you think will happen?" asked
Kirsty, as Green Trenchcoat lowered her to the ground. Andrew landed.
"Something wonderful," he said. Normally, Kirsty would have
asked, sarcastically, if he ever stopped quoting, but on this
occasion, she let it go.
Strangely, given that the place had been quite damaged during
the RACCelestial Madonna Pageant, the arena was now fully repaired;
more than that, flowers grew and flourished from everywhere, bursting
in rainbow hues from anything that could support them, and, even more
strangely, from anything that couldn`t. But no one saw it as a threat;
they simply marvelled that it was so. It bore some resemblance to a
church, prepared for a wedding. "It`s beautiful," commented Kirsty.
"Yes," said Andrew, now even at a loss for a quote. Nothing
bad was going to happen; they felt this, it pervaded their every
soul. The LOH took three seats, and sat calmly to see what would
happen.
It took some more minutes for all the LNHers to arrive and be
seated, but soon it was so. Upon the dias at the front of the arena,
two figures materialised.
They were male and female, and though they ahd human shape,
they were clearly something more. Their skins were dark like the
night, and tiny stars whirled upon their ebon surfaces. The male one
spoke, and his voice was calm and heard by all:
"I'm sorry if I inconvenienced any of you in active plotlines,
but I felt you should all be here when I said goodbye." Murmurs spread
throughout the LNH. The female one spoke.
"Think of it as a honeymoon."
There were more murmurs, and a few gasps. Andrew could see
Organic Lass and Pocket Man holding hands and looking at each other,
deeply and with love.
"Do you know what`s going on?" asked Andrew, in awe.
"No," whispered Kirsty. "But you were right: It`s wonderful."
Upon the stage, the two embraced, warmly. As they strained to
see, Andrew and Kirsty`s hands touched, briefly, accidentally. They
looked at each other, a little embarrassed. Then Andrew took Kirsty`s
hand. Kirsty grasped his, not wanting to let it go. When they looked
back at the stage, the two beings had become one.
"Once I was a Constellation as my name implied. Many parts
that seemed to be part of a whole, but in truth were far apart. We
were two, pretending to be one. Now I am truly whole...we are I am
One."
Andrew and Kirsty looked at each other again. Was it possible,
what they felt? Yes. It could be so. Kirsty looked to Green Trenchcoat
to see what his reaction to the events was; she gasped.
Down his cheek rolled a tear.
"Perhaps someday I will return here, but for now my place is
out there- among the PluRealites, to better learn what I have become.
Do not grieve for my passing, rather celebrate my becoming whole.
"Farewell."
The two as one, the Constellation, disappeared. Andrew looked
to Green Trenchcoat as well. His face was set in pain. Around them,
silent LNHers, stunned for a few moments but deeply moved, began to
rise and leave.
"Green Trenchcoat?" said Kirsty. She was about to call him by
his real name, when she realised that she didn`t know it. She and
Andrew looked at him with concern. After some momeents, he said,
strangled:
"Leave me."
"But-"
"Leave me! You cannot help." Unable to understand, Kirsty and
Andrew left, unwilling to leave him but with no choice. They left
together, still holding hands.
Green Trenchcoat remained in his seat until all the heroes had
gone. His face tried hard to resist the emotion that washed through
him, but could not. As flowers began to fade around him, he rose at
last, and wrapped his trenchcoat tightly around him, to keep out a
cold that the air had no part of. He turned for the exit, and saw a
figure. His face brightened with hope.
"Stranger!" He cried. But the Dvandom Stranger retreated into
darkness, unhearing, and Green Trenchcoat was alone in the empty
arena, where all the flowers had returned from whence they came. He
leaned against a wall, as if unable to support his own weight. He slid
down it, to become seated against the wall, the only firm and solid
thing that still remained. He tried and tried to keep tears from
coming; but it was no use. Taking his head in his hands, he began to
cry.
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CREDITS:
Written by Paul Hardy.
Excerpts from Errand Boy #0, LNH Comics Presents #22 and Constellation
#36 appear by permission of Stirge (Jon E. Sturgeon), Martin Phipps
and Dave Van Domelen respectively.
Leviathan Lass, Demon Boy and Green Trenchcoat created by Paul Hardy.
Bicycle Repair Lad created by HC61@lafibm.lafayette.edu.
Master Blaster created by Robert Ramirez.
Organic Lass created by Rebecca Drayer.
Sim-Sorceress and the Alt.Ter.Net.Tives created by Marie Antoon.
Pizza Girl created by Aili.
Token Girl created by Lady Johanna Constantine (Tara O`Shea)
Errand Boy and the Golden Retriever created by Stirge (Jon E. Sturgeon).
Tourniquet created by The Mystic Mongoose (Robert W. Armstrong).
The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life created by Enrique Conty.
Occultism Kid created by Josh Geurink.
The DEMONIMONIKERON created by Badger (Matt Rossi).
Deja Dude created by Martin Phipps.
Kid Kirby created by H. Jameel al Khafiz.
Constellation, Dot, Sig.Lad and the Dvandom Stranger created
by Dave Van Domelen.
All characters are TM and copyright their respective creators.
Apologies to Badger for not crediting him sooner.
Thanks to:
Josh for bunging me a copy of this when I lost my disc...
Martin, Marie and Josh for suggesting sensible alterations.
Stirge, Martin and Dave for the crossovers.
Russ for help with contacting people.
Anybody else that I forgot to thank.
But most of all, thanks to Sarah Irving for taking me shopping and
giving me lots to write about- I had a much better time than Errand
Boy, the poor bugger.
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-PENTAGRAMS-
-Well, only a few responses to the first issue, but that`s
about what you expect. Here`s the wittiest couple...
Russ Allbery:
>That was *great*! One of the best stories I've read in a long time. More,
>more! 8-)
-I like this geezer.
>The concepts for both Leviathan Lass and Green Trenchcoat are really
>interesting to me...I'm looking forward to further details. One of the best
>handlings of Ultimate Ninja and Occultism Kid I've seen.
-Just don`t mention that to Josh or wReam... :-)
Martin Phipps:
>In alt.comics.lnh article <34a9fl$6b5@caraway.csv.warwick.ac.uk> you
>wrote:
>> "I really don`t want to have to explain it again..." began
>> CCJr.
>> "Oh, well. I`ll read it in the archives. Where`s the
>patient?"
>> "He`s the one rolling on the floor, moaning and begging for
>> help."
>
>:)
-Martin Phipps: Mr. Enigmatic of 1994. :-)
-Well, that`s it for #2 (at last). Sorry about the length, but
what the hell, it`s fun to do. See you next time...
Next Issue:
"Character Revelation"
--
And these are the words of a supposedly literate student of
English Literature at the University of Warwick...
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Paul Hardy - enubf@csv.warwick.ac.uk - BFFS Student Group Secretary
