Marmalade Dalek Productions Presents
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-* T H E L E G I O N O F O C C U L T H E R O E S *-
Issue One
"Character Creation"
By Paul Hardy
An ACRAPHOBE title
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From: Retcon Hour Omega part three (By Mongoose)
"*N*E*V*E*R*!!!" screamed Continuity Champ Junior, and, in a
display of intense power, activated the ring full-force against
wRift. wRift fell, collapsing to the ground, lifeless.
"I... I killed him. I didn`t want to... I didn`t
mean... I... I... I have to get things back. Can`t think about
it... must fix the Looniverse." Continuity Champ Junior began the
re-creation.
--
The Load Island Renegades, U-Force, Unlikely Aliens... It all
fell into place, back to where it was meant to be. Except for one
thing. The Legion of Occult Heroes. Continuity Champ Junior had seen
them wiped out, returned to the non-existence they had so recently
come from; surely they had only ever existed for comic relief? But,
stubbornly, their existence didn`t want to be wiped out; CCJr looked
closer, and saw lines of continuity streaming away from the
characters, lines of plot that wanted, weakly, to be fulfilled. CCJr
looked at the possibilities. He could ignore them and keep them in
oblivion, but... they were people. They had lives they could
lead. Considering the difficulties they were going to have in their
lives, they might not want to experience them. But they at least
deserved to choose.
"What was that?" asked Leviathan Lass. "Some blast or other?"
"Doesn`t seem to have had any effect..." noted Demon
Boy. "We`re still here."
"No. Something has changed. Look." Green Trenchcoat waved his
arm to point out that all the legionnaires in the room were standing
absolutely still, in many and various poses of shock and dismay. The
body of wRift lay, dead, upon the battered floor of his pocket
dimension. Above that was Continuity Champ Junior, standing aghast
with the Ring of Retcon grasped in his hand. "Weird," said Demon Boy.
"Time has come to a halt," said Green Trenchcoat. "And our
enemy lies dead, seemingly killed by Continuity Champ Junior."
"Any idea of what`s going on?" asked Leviathan Lass.
"I am... at a loss." replied Green Trenchcoat.
"Brilliant," replied Leviathan Lass with more than a little
sarcasm in her voice.
"Hello."
The three heroes snapped around to face the holder of the
voice that had addressed them. It was Continuity Champ Junior,
standing behind them. They looked back again, and Continuity Champ
Junior was still standing above the body of wRift. They turned back
again. "Is your secret identity Jeremy Irons?" asked Demon Boy.
"Pardon? No. It`s me. I`ve... brought you back to, er, give
you a choice."
"Brought us back? What do you mean, brought us back?" asked LL.
Continuity Champ Junior sighed. "Okay. Before Retcon Hour, you
didn`t exist, right? You were retconned into existence, and then wRift
retconned you back out of existence."
"Why are you doing this?" asked GT.
"There`s something odd... something unusual about the retcon
that made you. It`s as though the continuity that you`re a part of
wants to survive. Maybe it`s some cosmic thing. Maybe you`ve got a
persuasive writer. I don`t know. But, I had to at least give you the
choice."
"Choice?" asked LL.
"Of whether to exist. Or not." The LOH stood silent. They
looked at nothing, minds turning upon the choice, until Demon Boy
spoke up.
"Whether `tis nobler-"
"Dont. Even. Think about it." hissed Leviathan Lass.
"No, he`s got a point," said CCJr. "Do you want to withstand
all those slings and arrows? The reason I`m asking is because if you
do live, then it`s not going to be pleasant. There`s a lot of trouble
in store for you."
"What nature of... `trouble`?" asked Green Trenchcoat,
suspiciously.
CCJr shrugged his shoulders and looked apologetic. "I can`t say."
Demon Boy replied, "Do you mean `you can`t say`, or..." He
paused and deepened his voice. "`You Can`t Say`?"
"I`m sorry. It`s all I can see." There was silence again for a
moment. The LOHers looked elsewhere, trying to consider. Leviathan
Lass raised her head.
"I don`t care about any `trouble`. I want to live."
Demon Boy nodded. "Me too." CCJr looked to Green Trenchcoat.
"I... would prefer existence."
"Then," said CCJr, "I`ll put you back in." The LOHers
disappeared, and CCJr contemplated the still frozen scene for a
moment. "And everything that goes with you."
"What was that?" asked Leviathan Lass. "Some blast or other?"
"Doesn`t seem to have had any effect..." noted Demon
Boy. "Apart from sending us here." The LOH was, much to their own
surprise, now standing in the reception area of the LNHQ, which was in
rather better repair than the last time they`d seen it. "Do you think
IMPLO does repairs as well?"
"I doubt it," replied Green Trenchcoat. "That the lobby is
undamaged would seem to be more an effect of retcon energy."
"What about wRift? Shouldn`t we be getting back there?" asked
LL.
"Indeed," said GT. "Who knows how the battle may be
progressing. However, unless the Rac.ctre appears once more, I do not
know how we are to travel to wRift`s domain."
"Brilliant," said LL.
"We`ve got enough to worry about as it is," sighed DB.
"What now?" asked LL. "Have you managed to come up with
something worse to happen to us?"
"No, just the same stuff- you know, like what the hell is
going on, why does nobody remember us, why are Grim and Mr. Trenchcoat
acting so weird, where the hell is Israishus. That sort of thing."
"Yeah..."
It was at this point that the entire LNH appeared from
nowhere. Well, the dimension of wReamicus Maximus, anyway. Dozens of
heroes popped into the reception area, with the notable exceptions of
Myk-El and VAMMO Woman, and U-Force (who had sworn blind that they
could find their own transport, and were currently hunting for it in
Ca.Net.Da). Most of them looked tired and groggy, and headed straight
for their rooms to collapse, muttering things like "That`s the last
time I do a crossover..." "Do you think you can sue your own writer?"
"Does anyone know where Panta got to?" "Wake me up in a year or two,
guys..." "Anyone for cheesecake?" "Net.sis? You`re joking. _I_ met
net.sis once too!"
The LOH watched as all the familiar faces blindly stumbled
past them, leaving but a few still hanging around in the reception
area. The Ultimate Ninja, Continuity Champ Junior, Occultism Kid and
Master Roster Man stood looking at the LOHers as if they were
strangers. "Hi, UN," said Demon Boy. "How did it go?"
Ultimate Ninja looked at them. Perhaps he was
thinking. Perhaps he was pausing for dramatic effect. Perhaps he was
merely confused. No one was quite sure, what with the mask and
everything. Eventually, he said, "Who are you?"
Leviathan Lass rolled her eyes. "Not again..." she complained.
"We are the Legion of Occult Heroes, and, no, we do not know
why you do not remember us," said Green Trenchcoat.
"Uh, UN? This is one of the effects of Retcon Hour that I was
mentioning... you know? New companions acting as friends of old?" said
CCJr.
"Master Roster Man. Do you know them?" asked UN.
"I don`t think so."
"As I thought."
"UN, I told you! They _are_ LNHers, they just have a few
continuity problems..." implored CCJr.
UN paused once more. "I don`t trust them."
"You don`t trust _anyone_."
"True." The ninja paused yet again, probably thinking upon the
situation. "Very well. Master Roster Man, find Multi-Tasking Man and
find out anything you can about these characters. Occultism Kid, you
do the same from your end, seeing as they`re in your line of
business. Continuity Champ Junior... you three... my ready room. Now."
The Ultimate Ninja stood in his ready room, perusing a katana
and occasionally sharpening it with an oilstone. The SHRING SHRING
that this action made didn`t render any of the other four heroes in
the room particularly calm. They were sat upon the bench that was
handily provided for anyone that the ninja happened to want to talk
to, though Demon Boy and Leviathan Lass weren`t taking much comfort
from it. Green Trenchcoat remained standing by the door, face
impassive. CCJr sat with DB and LL, and looked concerned. SHRING. The
ninja turned and spoke.
"Okay. First of all: you three are going to tell me who you
are. Then Continuity Champ Junior is going to tell me where you fit
in. Then I decide what to do with you."
"This is unnecessary, Ultimate Ninja. You need only contact
Israishus to verify our position." SHRING. UN looked at Green
Trenchcoat.
"Who... or what... is Israishus?"
"You don`t _know_?" asked Demon Boy, incredulously. Green
Trenchcoat looked down at Ultimate Ninja.
"No. It seems he does not."
"Answer the question."
Green Trenchcoat paused. "Israishus is... or was... the
coordinator."
"The coordinator." SHRING.
"He was responsible for organising superhuman responses to
paranormal threats," said Leviathan Lass, looking incredulous that UN
did not know this.
"Paranormal threats." SHRING.
"Correct. Without his skills, heroes would not be able to work
in concert against the many threats that assail our continuum."
"Continuum." SHRING.
"He is indispensable. If he had not brought us together... all
would have been lost long ago."
"Riiiight." SHRING. "Continuity Champ Junior?"
"Yes?"
"Do you have the faintest idea what they`re talking about?"
"I`ve never heard of any character called
"Israishus"... doesn`t mean he doesn`t exist, though."
SHRING.
Multi-Tasking Man was only reasonably busy when Master Roster
Man came into the Monitoring Room and passed on UN`s orders. "Wouldn`t
you know if they were in the roster or not?"
"I can`t remember them... but this is an effect of Retcon
Hour, remember? God knows what might be sitting in the files."
"Right. I`ll run an archie search throughout our
system.. shouldn`t take long..." M-TM said. He called up an xterm and
ran the search. "Bingo."
"What`s the situation?"
"Well, Sheryl and Mike have decided to have the baby after
all, I`ve managed to get through to the third level of Doom playing
cooperative multiplayer with Innovative-Offense Lad, the rat
population of Indonesia has reached seven billion, the IRA have
announced a ceasefire, Alan Moore has announced that the next issue of
Big Numbers might come out sometime this century-
"I meant with the filesearch!"
"Oh, sorry, I was getting a bit carried away... here. A file
sitting in the roster directory which contains the roster entries of
the Legion of Occult Heroes. Want a hardcopy?"
"Yeah. And send another copy through to Ultimate Ninja`s ready
room."
"Sure. There`s something else as well."
"What?"
"They already seem to have rooms allocated to them."
"Weird. We`ll have to take a look at those. Okay, give me that
printout." Three sheets of paper had emerged from the computer.
"Here." M-TM handed them over. Master Roster Man snatched them
up and quickly read through them.
"They seem to to be in order..." He raised his head. "I
wonder... well, thanks, anyway."
"No problem". Master Roster Man left the room.
"Okay. Forget Israishus. Tell me your stories." SHRING.
The Green Trenchcoat looked once more at the Ultimate Ninja,
and this is probably a good time to describe him. He was tall,
somewhere over six feet, and, more than that, he always acted as
though he were tall; he bore himself upright at all times and never
slouched. He looked as though he was rapidly approaching middle age,
and his dark hair was beginning to thin above a face that rarely
showed any emotions; he was not a man who smiled. He wore a long
trenchcoat of a green colour which was not a green normally to be
found in fabric; there was something that lived and was vibrant about
it. Beneath that was an unparticular spandex-looking costume that
fitted him tightly and showed no detail other than the colour
green. He looked at the Ultimate Ninja, keeping his expression, if he
had one, far from his face; the ninja himself was expert at
uncompromising stares, but the man in the green trenchcoat
nevertheless had something of an edge. "Very well.
"There is little that I am... permitted... to tell you. I was
once an ordinary, simple man. In my twenty eighth year, I was called
upon by the powers of the earth to serve them against the threats that
perpetually assail this universe. As a paranormal, I reported to
Israishus immediately and was assigned duty with this group, alongside
whom I have fought ever since." SHRING.
"Okay, that`s "Man of Mystery" origin number #211... anything
else you might like to tell us...?" asked the Ultimate Ninja.
"No. I, however, have a question that I must ask."
Master Roster Man knocked on Occultism Kid`s door. "Who is
it?" Asked a voice that was inhuman, unpleasant, and very definitely
not Occultism Kid. Master Roster Man guessed that it might be some
sort of door warden that OK had set to guard his room, and refrained
from doing anything sudden.
"Uh... it`s me. Master Roster Man." The door flew open,
propelled by Occultism Kid`s left foot.
"Come in...." said OK, distractedly. Master Roster Man
entered, warily, and found that stepping through the door was like
pushing himself through air that had, for some reason, become thick
and gelatinous. He was shaken by the experience. "Oh, don`t worry
about that. It`s just the door wardings... found anything?"
"Uh. yeah. Roster entries where there shouldn`t have been any."
"Is that them?"
"Yeah."
"Good." Occultism Kid sighed. "It`s just the thing I`ve been
looking for. I`ve tried a few spells, but I really needed something to
link to them..." He took the printouts, and began laying out a
pentagram on the floor.
"What are you going to do?" asked Master Roster Man, slightly
repulsed by the substances that OK was using to create the pentagram.
"A kind of scrying and summoning spell. With these-" he held
up the printouts- "I can summon one entity each to give us some
information on who they are." He went on with the rather elaborate
preparations, copying designs from a creaking book that lay open on
his bed.
"Um... why don`t you just have a permanent pentangle painted
onto the floor?"
"Let`s see... that goes there... Oh, well, partly it`s because
you usually want to make each pentagram subtly different. And you`ll
want to get rid of it sometimes, if you call up something really
nasty..."
"Sounds lovely," remarked Master Roster Man. Occultism
Kid considered this idea.
"Not usually," he said, and went on laying out the mystical
pattern.
"Go on," said the Ultimate Ninja.
"Where are our companions?"
"Who?" SHRING.
Leviathan Lass snapped irritably, "GrimLad and Mr. Trenchcoat!
Who did you think he meant?" The Ultimate Ninja paused and sighed.
"Continuity Champ Junior? Do you know what they mean?"
"If they`re referring to the two trenchcoaters, I think so."
"Well?" asked Green Trenchcoat.
"Ah, they left. After everything with wReamicus Maximus was
sorted out, they left by themselves."
"They... abandoned us?" asked Demon Boy in disbelief.
"I don`t think they`re the people you think they are. They`re
trenchcoaters. That means they`re dishonest bastards who`d stab you in
the back at the first opportunity. The only reason they keep saving
the universe is to keep their own hides in one piece."
"You`ll excuse us if we have a little trouble believing what
you say," said Leviathan Lass, acidly, "but we`ve known them for
years. They wouldn`t do that."
"I hope you`ll excuse _me_ if I don`t believe anything _you_
say," said the Ultimate Ninja. SHRING. "We know nothing about you. We
have no idea where you came from. We have no record of you. You don`t
have a past with-" The monitor on UN`s desk bleeped. He called up his
email program and looked at what had arrived. He frowned at it,
slumped in his chair and put the katana and oilstone to one
side. "Brilliant," he said.
"What is it?" asked CCJr.
"Their roster entries."
"Ah." said CCJr.
"Yes!" said Demon Boy. "We _do_ exist!"
"Quite," said Green Trenchcoat. "Might we be permitted to
check these roster entries?" The ninja, having by now given up any
hope of making rational sense of the situation, simply turned the
monitor in their direction and said:
"Be my guest."
---
NAME: Green Trenchcoat
TYPE: WC CREATED BY: enubf@csv.warwick.ac.uk
POWERS: Sort of mystical earth energy. A bit like the wild magic in
Thomas Covenant in it`s visible manifestations, except green. The
power derives from the earth, which puts him generally in touch with
nature, allowing for all sorts of handy sensing abilities.
ADD. NOTES: Green Trenchcoat is a dour and serious sort, as well as
slightly mysterious- how did he get those powers? What is his real
agenda? No one is quite sure, and he isn`t about to tell. He`s also
annoyingly environmentalist, to the point where anyone dropping litter
in his vicinity will get a very long lecture on the subject,
to the point of mental incapability. GT was retconned into
existence during Retcon Hour; how much came with him is unknown.
STATUS: Alive.
REAL NAME: Unknown.
GROUP AFF.: Legion of Occult Heroes.
ENEMIES: Lots. The Incorporate Conspiracy are the only ones mentioned
so far; others may or may not have been retconned into
existence along with GT.
NAME: Demon Boy
TYPE: WC CREATED BY: enubf@csv.warwick.ac.uk
POWERS: Completely by accident, Demon Boy found himself with the
ability to summon demons just by saying their names. Less powerful
ones are automatically bound and forced to do his will; the more
powerful they get, the more bargaining Demon Boy has to do. Generally,
he sticks to the lesser creatures, some of which even make good
conversationalists. Demons have a habit of concealing their names, so
Demon Boy has to do a fair amount of research before he can call upon
a creature he hasn`t used before.
ADD. NOTES: Demon Boy is a fairly cheerful sort of bloke, whose real
interest lies in films, of which he has a collection that requires the
use of a dimensional warping field in order to fit them into his room;
he often quotes from films or imitates characters from films, but not
so much that it could be classed as a power in itself. He could give
Obscure Trivia Lad a run for his money, though...
STATUS: Alive.
REAL NAME: Andrew Garrold
GROUP AFF.: Legion of Occult Heroes.
ENEMIES: Same as Green Trenchcoat. Plus the fact that he`s pissed off
many of the lower orders of hell by summoning most of them at
one time or another.
NAME: Leviathan Lass
TYPE: WC CREATED BY: enubf@csv.warwick.ac.uk
POWERS: An otherworldly creature (the Leviathan) donates upon mental
request a small portion of his power to Leviathan Lass; this turns her
into an eight foot tall, green scaled, horribly beclawed creature
capable of extreme violence. The Leviathan can also help in other
ways, but only if it sees fit to do so.
ADD. NOTES: Leviathan Lass is the sixth in a line of the Leviathan`s
earthly agents; an ancestor who was being hounded by nasty creatures
from the pit made a deal with the Leviathan that promised seven
generations of her line as servants, in return for the power to
protect herself. Leviathan Lass found out about this when her
mother died whilst she ws at university; she was none too
pleased to find herself working for the Leviathan, particularly given
that lots of really nasty creatures from the pit would be happy to
kill her without a second thought. This has had a tendency to make her
rather bitter and sarcastic.
STATUS: Alive.
REAL NAME: Kirsty Jones
GROUP AFF.: Legion of Occult Heroes.
ENEMIES: Lots. Apart from the Incorporate Conspiracy, all of the
Leviathan`s enemies are her enemies as well, which makes life
interesting.
---
"Well," said Occultism Kid, "that`s that done." He washed the
virgin goat`s blood and powdered bat`s testicles from his hands in his
room`s sink, wiped his hands carefully and took up his volume. Master
Roster Man looked at the design on the floor; it wasn`t composed
merely of chalk and candles, and some of the more esoteric ingredients
were, by their mere visual appearance making his stomach speak in
words of dire tragedy to his brain. He swallowed to keep himself from
gagging at the stench and, grimacingly, inquired of Occultism Kid:
"Is this... really... necessary?"
"With the kind of things that might turn up, you bet it is. We
need all the protection we can get. Okay." OK drew a long breath, as
though preparing for some very nasty things that would soon
happen. "Put the first roster in the middle."
"Right." Gingerly, Master Roster Man reached over and placed
Green Trenchcoat`s roster entry in the bare space within the complex
sigilic formations.
"Thanks. Stand back," warned Occultism Kid. Master Roster Man
shrunk into the wall as far as he could manage. Occultism Kid began.
"An`all Naddrach... Llewtachnach... Doch ti`enfey... Appear."
The air in the room began to move.
"Appear!"
The sigils began to glow.
"APPEAR!"
Above the roster, the air began to glow green.
"*APPEAR*!!!"
A burst of sound- a clap, from no hands that could be seen as
the presence manifested within the region defined for it, confined to
that single small space. Master Roster Man uprighted himself from
where he`d been hiding, uncovered his eyes and looked.
Everything in the room was green. Not because of paint or
anything so simple, but because the presence in the pentangle radiated
so much green light that other colours didn`t stand a chance. "What is
it?" asked Master Roster Man.
Occultism Kid stood in awe. "It`s... it`s the earth spirit..."
"What are you going to ask it?"
"I can`t."
"You can`t?"
"You just don`t, that`s all. We owe it respect." OK bowed low
before the blazing green presence and adopted a formal attitude. "We
are deeply sorry for this disturbance. We apologise humbly and beg
forgiveness for the crude constraints we have unknowingly placed upon
you." The presence seemed to glow in response, and the two heroes felt
a certain acceptance in the air. Occultism Kid scuffed out a sigil
with his foot, and the presence vanished. Below where it had been, the
roster was a thin piece of ash which crumbled almost immediately.
"So what was that all about?"
Occultism Kid breathed a sigh of relief. "This Green
Trenchcoat has friends in high places. It certainly backs up what`s in
the roster." He wiped sweat from his face. "Right. Let`s get started
on the next one."
"Well, it`s reasonably correct, anyway..." said Demon Boy,
after reading the roster entries.
"Doesn`t tell us anything we need to know, though," sighed
Leviathan Lass.
"There is a problem. The roster entries state quite clearly
that we came into being during Retcon Hour, and never existed
before. How can this be?" asked Green Trenchcoat. Continuity Champ
Junior looked up to the ceiling for any passing deities and wondered
how many times he was going to have to explain this.
"Look. It`s simple. You were created in the middle of Retcon
Hour, yes, but when you were created, you were created with a past. So
that everything that you remember happening has happened- but hadn`t
happened before Retcon Hour."
"Did that make sense?" asked Demon Boy.
"After a fashion," replied Leviathan Lass.
"So. You imply that somewhere our past might be found." said
Green Trenchcoat.
"If that`s the case..." said Ultimate Ninja, "...how come
nobody remembers them?"
Continuity Champ Junior shrugged. "That information hasn`t
been revealed yet. I`m sure that the plot will get round to it pretty
soon, though."
"In other words, we have to sit and wait for something to
happen." UN sighed. "Okay. Let`s hear your story." He gestured at
Demon Boy.
"Me? Well, uh, it`s not much of an origin, I`m
afraid. Whenever the LNH got round a campfire and started telling
origin stories, mine was always the worst."
He took a seat and leaned back, remembering. He was a young
man of mediumish height, looking to be in his early twenties. He
wasn`t really well built, and the spandex costume showed his lack of
musculature quite clearly; he relaxed into the seat in a casual
manner, not seeming to care much about the way he looked. His one
concession to vanity was perhaps his long red hair, which he had
allowed to grow down to his shoulders; it merged with the reds and
yellows of his costume, which carried upon the front a stylised
picture of a leering demon that looked half mischievous and half very
unpleasant indeed. His belt consisted of a number of pockets, two of
which were particularly large and carried a book each: the Time Out
film guide in one, and another volume called the DEMONIMONIKERON in
the other. He continued.
"It was when I was five, I think. Six, maybe. Anyway, this
bloke with a trenchcoat appeared in our back garden, I mean, like out
of nowhere. It was a bit odd for Basildon. Nothing else remotely
interesting had ever happened there (though it had a nice comic
shop). So anyway, the man with the trenchcoat spots me, and I`ve just
dropped my football in absolute astonishment. He says "You-" before
some gap opens up behind him and a great big orange creature of some
kind grabs him and starts to try and drag him into the gap. The guy
with the trenchcoat screams the name of the demon and I don`t remember
anything after that. Some sort of explosion, I think the papers
said. Anyway, I was in hospital a few days later, and I was trying to
tell the police what had happened, and, of course, I had to say what
the trenchcoated bloke`s last words were, even though they didn`t
believe me. When I said the demon`s name, it appeared, right there in
the hospital out of the blue. Scared the police shitless. Turned out
it had been bound automatically as well, so it didn`t go on a rampage
or anything. I terrorised the staff with the poor creature for a few
days- well, you know what kids are like- until Israishus turned up."
His eyes turned back to the present. "The rest is history."
Everybody else in the room was asleep.
"Always like to keep my audience... riveted!," grinned Demon
Boy.
"Okay. Put the roster in..." said Occultism Kid. Master Roster
Man carefully, very carefully, placed the second sheet of paper inside
the slightly renovated pentagram. Occultism Kid began the chant again.
"An`all Naddrach... Llewtachnach... Doch ti`enfey... App-"
"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!" shouted a very annoyed looking demon, who
was orange in colour and wearing a blasted dinner jacket that had been
tailored fo fit even his backward pointing knees. "What do you want
THIS time?" The creature looked around, at the whimpering Master
Roster Man and the resolute Occultism Kid. "Oh. It`s not him. Well,
what do YOU want, then?"
"Information." said Occultism Kid.
"Okay, fine! Just make it short, will you? I`ve got a
disembowelling party to get back to." Master Roster Man noticed that
some of the stains on the demon`s dinner jacket were a bit lumpy to be
just stains. He pointed himself in the direction of the sink and threw
up. Occultism Kid tried to ignore the noise and the smell.
"Demon Boy. What do you know about him?"
The demon`s face was instantly full of rage. "DEMON BOY???
That BASTARD! he`s always summoning me at the WORST bloody times to do
the SHITTIEST jobs and there`s absolutely BUGGER ALL I can do about
it. I mean, I got together with all the others who keep getting
summoned to do a petition to the Lords of Hell, but did they listen?
Did they my arse. You know his problem? Demarcation, that`s the bloody
problem! He`s never gone through the right channels, he`s always
flaunting the rules-"
"Yes, that`ll be fine, thank you-"
"And does he give a tinker`s cuss for the working demon? Does
he my arse! One time I was flaying this bunch of Conservative MPs for
an Archduke of mendacity-"
"I think we`ve found out all we need to know-"
"And what does he do? Summons me to beat up a supervillian. I
mean, a _supervillian_, for Lucifer`s sake! And did I get those MPs
done by the deadline? Did I my arse. The Archduke had me-"
Occultism Kid scuffed out the binding sigil, and sent the
creature back to hell with a pop. "Have you finished?" He asked Master
Roster Man with distaste.
"I- glp- think so," said Master Roster Man, head still in the
sink.
"Well sort yourself out before the next one, will you? Chances
are it`ll be worse."
The Ultimate Ninja awoke with a start from the artificial coma
that Demon Boy`s origin story had provoked. As the others came to with
varying degrees of speed, he wrote a memo to be posted to all LNH
members:
Never, under any circumstance, do I want to find any LNH
members trading origin stories around a campfire. That is all.
-Ultimate Ninja
"Right." Said UN. "We might as well get the last one over
with. What`s your origin story?" he asked of Leviathan Lass. "And bear
in mind that if it`s anything like the last one, I won`t have been
sharpening this sword in vain." He raised the sparklingly sharp katana
from his desk, and pointed it in her direction.
Leviathan Lass looked down the blade at the ninja and narrowed
her eyebrows. "Try that on me and I`ll-"
"Kirsty-" interrupted Demon Boy, "remember that this is the
man who rips people`s hearts out and makes them watch them continue to
beat until they die. Now I`m not saying that you should sacrifice your
integrity in any way, but..."
"Alright!" snapped LL. "The story. Fine." She sighed, leaned
forward, and rested her elbows on her knees, and her head in her
hands. She, like Demon Boy, looked to be in her early twenties but
somehow managed to seem older and more tired. The whole set of her
face suggested a certain weariness with the situation in general. She
wore no makeup, and her shoulder length brown hair was tied back into
a scruffy ponytail; it looked badly in need of a wash. Her costume was
seemingly composed of lizard scales, the kind of lizard scales that
are more usually to be found on the hide of a dragon. Two particularly
large ones made her shoulders look rather more fearsome than they
actually were. She looked up at the ninja and began.
"It started early in the nineteenth century. My
great-great-great-great grandmother-"
"Sure you don`t want to add any more greats?" asked UN,
pointedly.
"Do you want to hear this story or not?" demanded Leviathan
Lass. Ultimate Ninja sighed.
"Go on..."
"Thank you. My great... great... great... great..." (UN was
gnashing teeth in fury at this, which Leviathan Lass seemed to enjoy)
"...grandmother was a milkmaid somewhere in Derbyshire. One day, she
got cut from a splinter in the barn, and bled into a bucket of milk by
accident. One of the local children- a right little monster- told his
dad, the local preacher. This was one of the really old fashioned
types, who`d always wanted a witch trial, even though they`d been out
of fashion for a good hundred years or so. So he got the trial
together and managed to scare a few old housewives into confessing
that they`d seen the poor milkmaid dancing with the devil. My ancestor
was sentenced to be hanged.
"She was helped out before sentence was carried out though. A
magician (whose name has been forgotten, probably for good reasons)
was passing through the village, and didn`t take much of a shine to
their idea of justice. The night before the hanging, he summoned a
demon to rescue my ancestor; this, of course, confirmed everything
that the preacher had feared most. After that, she and the magician
went on the run- unfortunately for them, he wasn`t really that much of
a magician, and one of his spells had the binding sigils screwed up,
making the both of them legitimate targets for various minions of hell
to chase after. They sought refuge in a nether dimension, but it
wasn`t far enough. Hordes of nasty, unpleasant creatures caught up
with them, took the soul of the magician, and were about to take my
ancestor`s, when the owner of the dimension showed it`s face.
"It was... is... called the Leviathan. It`s horrifically
powerful, and involved in games with other entities as powerful that I
don`t even begin to understand. It put the demons on hold and offered
my ancestor a choice: go to hell or give up seven generations of her
descendants to be servants of the Leviathan, in return for powers and
the Leviathan`s protection. She didn`t take long to make her mind up.
"I`m the sixth. I found out when my mother died while I was at
Cambridge studying History- I`d barely gotten over the shock of her
dropping dead when I find myself in the nether dimension and the
Leviathan tells me about the pact that my ancestor made. There wasn`t
really much alternative but to go along with it- it`s like I`d known
my mother all my life, but I`d never known what she`d been doing when
she wasn`t near me. She`d been working for Israishus as well as the
Leviathan, of course. The Leviathan doesn`t seem to mind; it rarely
calls upon me. It only seems to have occasional dealings in this
dimension.
"Israishus came to the funeral. He found me crying out in the
graveyard somewhere... I`d lost everything by then. I couldn`t keep my
mind on my degree, not with all this shit happening. He offered me a
way to do something worthwhile. I took it. That`s all there is."
"Right. Put the roster in," said Occultism Kid. Master Roster
Man, with the utmost of care and only a few trembling muscles, placed
the last piece of paper inside the pentagram.
"It`s in," he said. "Can I go now?"
"No," said Occultism Kid.
"Oh. Can I cower in the corner, then?"
"Feel free."
"Thanks."
"Right. Here goes," said Occultism Kid. Master Roster Man
started cowering in earnest. "An`all Naddrach... Llewtachnach... Doch
ti`enfey... Appear."
There was nothing.
"Appear!"
Still there was silence. OK`s brow furrowed.
"APPEAR!"
The air above the pentagram trembled slightly. Occultism Kid
began to sweat from every pore in his face. Master Roster Man felt a
not unreasonable urge to be somewhere else.
"*APPEAR*!"
And then there was holocaust.
The crashing and the bang could be heard across LNHQ. "What
was that?" asked the Ultimate Ninja, not really expecting a reply.
"Don`t ask me," said CCJr. "I think we`d better
investigate, though."
"After me," muttered the ninja, as he darted out of his ready
room and into the corridors of the LNHQ. The others followed.
Inside Occultism Kid`s room, the winds were driving at
hurricane speed. The carefully ordered contents of OK`s shelves had
become lethal flying objects that whirled and sought unprotected
flesh. Occultism Kid, clinging onto his bed with one hand, called up a
quick spell of protection for himself with a handwave and a muttered
word. The binding sigil had to be erased. It was the only way to get
rid of whatever it was that had been summoned, a force that, though
trapped, was still managing to do a great deal of violence within his
room. Master Roster Man had brought cowering to the pinnacle of an
artform, and was currently practising it whilst hanging onto the
sink. It was a miracle he hadn`t been ripped to shreds by now;
already, small wounds were beginning to streak across him as
previously harmless objects whipped over his skin. Occultism Kid
turned to the pentagram and reached desperately for the binding
sigil. It was about an inch out of reach. He looked up at the
presence, which was almost unseeable in it`s fury, but looked vaguely
reptilian; OK`s wardrobe burst open and his spare trenchcoat, not to
mention all his other clothes, spilled out and began to dance through
the air like a tumble drier on triple speed.
The trenchcoat struck Occultism Kid full in the face, and it
was all he could do to hang onto the bed. And then he had an idea. The
trenchcoat. Of course. Bearing up against the winds, he grabbed the
trenchcoat and wrenched it from his face, and began to flap it madly
in the direction of the binding sigil. If he missed and got the wrong
bit of chalk and powdered goat`s embryos, there could be real
problems, but since he had plenty of those anyway, he was willing to
risk it. One flap, and no luck. He cast again. Bugger, there went one
of the candles. And again- and-
The winds dropped. So did Master Roster Man, who collapsed
onto the ground with a thud and a groan. "Uuuhhhh... medic...." he
moaned. Occultism Kid staggered to his feet and hurriedly erased the
rest of the pentagram before anything else happened. Then a sword came
through the door.
"Alright, UN, you can come in!" shouted Occultism Kid. The
door instantly collapsed in several pieces as the wards that OK had
put on it relented and the damage that Ultimate Ninja had done to it
in the last minute or so asserted itself.
"What happened?" asked the ninja, surveying the completely
wrecked room. The others behind him peeked past UN and gazed with
either shocked or, in Green Trenchcoat`s case, completely passive
expressions.
Occultism Kid collapsed onto his bed and lay there for a few
seconds to see what it felt like. "I was summoning presences to get
some information on the LOH. We just did Leviathan Lass, and I think
the Leviathan itself turned up. Or an aspect of it, anyway."
Leviathan Lass gaped. "Do you realise what that thing could
_do_ to the Earth if it wanted?"
"I`m more worried about my room at the moment."
"Gaaahh!" she moaned.
"You did get rid of it, though, didn`t you?" asked the ninja.
"Seems that way."
"Good. What did you find out?"
"They`re on the level, UN. All the occult types they interact
with seem to have heard of them."
CCJr chipped in, "Chances are they got retconned in with the LOH-"
"Would somebody mind calling Organic Lass? Please?" mumbled
Master Roster Man, brokenly.
"Oh. Sure," said CCJr, who proceeded to call for Organic Lass
on his intercom.
"You might like to check their rooms as well..." suggested the
prone Master Roster Man.
"They have ROOMS?" exploded UN. "Who allocated them? WHEN?"
"Ah... you did," said Demon Boy. UN looked very dangerously at
him. "Well, it was someone who looked very like you, anyway..."
Organic Lass arrived on the scene.
"What happened here?" she asked, looking at the LOHers
dubiously, the wrecked room with surprise, and Ultimate Ninja with
suspicion.
"I really don`t want to have to explain it again..." began
CCJr.
"Oh, well. I`ll read it in the archives. Where`s the patient?"
"He`s the one rolling on the floor, moaning and begging for
help."
"Ah. Thought so. Excuse me..." Organic Lass made her way past
Ultimate Ninja rather carefully and went to tend to Master Roster
Man`s injuries. UN and Occultism Kid left the room to face the
LOHer`s.
"Let`s see these rooms, then," suggested the ninja. "How come
you`ve got rooms, anyway? Aren`t you the Legion of _Occult_ Heroes?"
"We function more as a subgroup of the LNH," said Green
Trenchcoat. "Able to participate in general LNH activites, or work as
a smaller unit to counter more specific threats."
"Riiiight," said UN. "Just open up the rooms, will you?"
"Sure," said Demon Boy. "Mine`s just here... hope my videos
are okay..." He took a key from one of his belt pockets, and opened
his door. Inside, it was film buff`s heaven. One wall was covered with
film posters, and the others were covered in shelving that contained
row upon row of videotapes, all labelled neatly and containing film
after film after film. The shelving seemed to go a little further than
the floor plans allowed.
"Uh... how do you fit them all in?" asked CCJr.
"Oh, I had a chat with Pocket Man, and he sorted out a
containment system for me... I don`t suppose he remembers, now..."
"Fine," said the ninja. "Next!"
"Here`s mine," said Leviathan Lass. "Such as it is." She
opened the door to her room, and it was hard to tell the difference
between it and the current state of Occultism Kid`s room. Most of her
wardrobe, it seemed, was acting as a second carpet, dishes from meals
of a few nights before were sitting untended by her terminal, and her
bookshelf was a disorganised mess of history books, cheap thrillers,
manga, and anime videos. "It`s a bit of a tip at the moment..."
"It`s always a bit of a tip," pointed out Demon Boy.
"Yes," sighed Leviathan Lass. "Never quite seem to get round
to tidying the place, really..."
"Right. And your room?" the ninja asked of Green Trenchcoat.
"I will check it," replied the trenchcoated one. He selected
his door, unlocked it, and opened it the barest fraction, enough to
allow himself to slip inside. Once in, he closed the door again, and
no one saw what was inside. The people outside the door looked at each
other blankly for a few seconds until the door reopened, and Green
trenchcoat slipped back out, revealing as much as he had on his way
in. "Everything is in order."
The ninja stared at him icily. "Show me the room."
"I will not."
The ninja added a growl to his voice. "Open the door..."
"No. My life is my own."
"Is it?"
"I think he might have a right to privacy, UN." said CCJr. The
ninja silenced him with a look.
"He`s, er, right. We should all have a right to privacy,"
agreed Occultism Kid.
"It`s sort of constitutional, I think," said CCJr.
"Actually, we`re all British..." said Leviathan Lass.
"You`re in America now," said CCJr.
"More`s the pity," said Demon Boy, wistfully. "NTSC picture
quality is a real comedown after PAL..."
"ALRIGHT!!!" stormed the ninja. "In order mainly to save
myself another does of headaches, I`ve come to a decision." He leaned
against a wall and sighed. "These three are LNHers... of a sort. I`m
going to let them stay as probationary members. For the time being. I
can have you thrown out at any time. So watch it. Just... watch it..."
The ninja, feeling a little tense, headed off for the peril room to
practise killing people in horrific and bloodthirsty ways.
"Oh, well. Welcome to the LNH..." said CCJr. Having joined
before, the LOHers looked distinctly unimpressed.
"Can`t be that bad," shrugged Demon Boy, "if UN`s atarted
playing along with Prisoner quotes..."
"Whatever." said Leviathan Lass.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ultimate Ninja created by wReam (Raymond Bingham). Apologies for
posting without getting a reply from you- but I had this deadline
thingy to worry about. Sorrreeee!
Continuity Champ Junior created by The Mystic Mongoose (Robert W. Armstrong).
Occultism Kid created by Joshua Geurink.
Master Roster Man is an NWC, I think. No idea who created him.
Organic Lass created by Rebecca Drayer.
Multi-Tasking Man created by Jeff Coleburn.
The Legion of Occult Heroes created by... Me! (O, foolish mortal...)
All characters are copyright and (tm) their creators.
AFTERWORD (By the author):
Allow me to introduce myself. I`m Paul Hardy (funnily enough),
a student of English Literature at the University of Warwick in
England, a place which, strangely enough, is nowhere near
Warwick. It`s been more than a year since my first bit of creative
writing appeared on the net. Shortly after that happened, I found
myself the coordinator of the whole story, and, eventually, Wrath of
the Administrator, the first and greatest of NTB storylines was
finished. After that I sort of lost interest, only managing to get one
episode of my sequel, The Barnstable Incident, out before I succumbed
to that dreadful malady of NTB writers: apathy.
It was about April this year when a young man from Manitoba by
the name of Chris Gumprich emailed me about what had happened to the
NTB, and, in doing so, shamed me into completing The Barnstable
Incident. Chris`s NTB series should be continuing sometime soon, and
if you don`t read it, then lots of nasty impish creatures will be
gnawing at your genitals until the end of time (subtle plug :).
I ended up doing an LNH series because of my bright idea of
getting a couple of trenchcoaters mixed up in Retcon Hour. In the
doing so, I put in a few throwaway lines which, when I got round to
reflecting upon them, I thought would be interesting to develop a bit
further. So I did. Since then, I`ve been getting ideas on what to do
with the LOH at the rate of about one a minute, and the plot for the
next ten issues or so is looking interesting. It`s ACRAPHOBE because I
didn`t want to give up the freedoms I had whilst writing NTB stories;
and in future issues I`ll be using that freedom quite a bit. Frequency
is going to be weekly for the first four issues, and then probably
biweekly, because term starts in October and that`s when my life gets
complicated. The LOH will be around the LNHQ quite a bit, and are
availble for parties, weddings, guest appearances and crossovers. Let
me know if you want to use them. One major crossover in the pipeline
will be in conjunction with Pseudo-Random house, more of which will be
revealed in due course.
So anyway... welcome to the LOH, a bunch of slightly strange
people who`re going to be getting up to some slightly strange things
in the next few months. I hope you can stay with me for this, `cause
it`s gonna be a lot of fun. Feedback is not only welcome, it`s begged
for.
Paul Hardy, known occasionally as the Marmalade Dalek for reasons
which are probably best left a mystery.
PS Those of you confused by the LOH cameo in Tales of the LNH #314:
Don`t worry. It`ll all make sense in the end. Time travel can be fun.
COMING EVENTUALLY FROM MARMALADE DALEK PRODUCTIONS:
Next Week:
----------
LNH: LOH #2: "Character Interaction"
Featuring crossovers with LNHCP #22 and Constellation #36!
October:
--------
NTB: The Barnstable Incident trade etherback
Whenever I Get Round To It:
---------------------------
NTB: Malcolm Barnstable: Motorway Madness
--
And these are the words of a supposedly literate student of
English Literature at the University of Warwick...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul Hardy - enubf@csv.warwick.ac.uk - BFFS Student Group Secretary
