Desperately trying to keep up with Jamie's flurry of creativity
Blue Light Productions presents:
Birth Of A Villain #30
A chaotic add-on cascade-type Legion of Net.Heroes title
"Case Rock I"
Written by Saxon Brenton
And incorporating suggestions on continuity offered by:
Ben Rawluk
Dave Van Domelen
Jessica Ihimaera-Smiler
Rob Rogers
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Cover shows Writers Block Woman, Chinese Guy, Insomnia Lad and
DeadHead Man posing dramatically in front of an immaculately
well-dressed villain sitting on a throne-like chair.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What has gone before:
Stuff.
Oh, you want specifics? Very well then.
The villain Melissa arrived in Net.ropolis and announced that she
was in fact the Melissa Virus, took for herself the name Vector, and
threw down the gauntlet to the Legion of Net.Heroes. She was later
revealed to be a minion (albeit a very powerful one) of the maniacal
Church of the Fourth Wall. Her Legionnaires disease has incapacitated
most of the Legion, and those who were able to resist its effects and
remain awake have withdrawn to regroup and try new strategies.
These heroes may be divided into two groups:
One, nominally being led by the semi-retired world beating
villain Tsar Chasm is - depending on which version of the plot you're
using at any one time - staying at the LNHHQ to synthesise a cure for
Legionnaires disease, or heading off to Sig.ago to prevent the Church
from inadvertently destroying the first, second and third walls. Or
possibly both, since Tsar Chasm's statements in issues 23 and 26 about
what needs to be done aren't completely irreconcilable.
The second group, nominally being led by Mouse and Easily-
Discovered Man Lite, has gone off to find the Lotion of Emotion as a
way to stop Melissa/Vector. Half of this group was accidentally
transported back in time to 1984, and are currently working on a way
to get back to the present. The other half, who are the subject of
this post, continue in their search for the Lotion of Emotion.
Now read on...
"So," said Chinese Guy remarkably calmly considering that the
flight.thingy that they were travelling in had lost all power and was
plummeting towards the ocean. "Here we are, falling out of the sky.
Again."
"Sure looks like it," Insomnia Lad agreed.
"Don't worry boys!" Writers Block Woman trilled, temporarily
shaking off the funk that had enveloped her ever since Mouse (along
with several other Legionnaires and sundry assorted companions) had
been vanished away by a Melissa-clone back in _Birth of a Villain_ #22.
"I'll save you!"
"We've been through this one before," Insomnia Lad pointed out.
"You can't carry us both."
Writers Block Woman snapped her fingers. "Oh yes, that's right.
Drat."
"Bummer," offered DeadHead Man.
And then, as much to speed along the long-languishing plot as
to add insult to injury, the mysterious force that had made the
flight.thingy fall from the sky zapped the four of them into
unconsciousness.
==================================================
wReamicus Maximus, the self-proclaimed First Acolyte of Dvandom
and leader of the Church of the same, looked over the results of
issue 27 of _Birth of a Villain_ with satisfaction. He glanced up to
another cowled member of his church. "Well done, Merger. Please take
your rest now. I shall call you again when I need you."
Merger (a minor supporting character who, to the best of this
Writer's knowledge, has not been seen since 'Jungle Cheesecake') bowed
and departed.
The Acolyte smiled. Over the years Merger's power of merging
things had been put to good use, as the various mystic rites devised
or procured by the Church of Dvandom had increased his versatility.
Merger's latest deed would serve as yet another distraction for the
Church of the Fourth Wall while he, wReamicus Maximus, prepared other
forms of attack against his erstwhile allies. Thanks to Merger's power
three new net.heroes from *yet another* imprint had been dragged into
this cascade story. Ah, chaos, how he loved it! And best of all, one
of these 'Legion of Costumed Individuals' was named Fourth Wall
Demolisher Lad, someone whose mere presence would irritate the Church
of the Fourth Wall no end.
Still, no time to gloat. There were things to do and grievous
injustices to perpetrate. On the other hand, there was one more thing
that he could do to make life just that little bit more uncomfortable
for the Church of the Fourth Wall. He pressed a button, and began to
beam a *very special* pre-recorded commercial into the communication
system of the Cathedral of Hate...
=================================================
The members of the Church of the Fourth Wall were busy preparing
themselves. Soon, they would be making their fondest dream into a
reality. Amid this bustle, however, a monitor screen that had been
dark suddenly turned itself on so as to show the faithful a scene
from Hell...
<Theme music from Cheers, as played by a rock band. The lead
guitar crescendos the music, then ends with a riff before turning to
speak to the camera:>
"Yo there folks! Badger here with an invite to you to get down
here to the RACCCafe this Friday night for the regular 'Weekend's Eve
Party'. I'll be here with RACC's Most Dangerous Band, playing Six till
Late for all your favourite characters from all of your favourite RACC
imprints. Don't miss it!"
"Aaaieee!" went the Church members in horror, much to the
bemusement of nearby Nodakommandos who didn't think the music was
that bad.
=================================================
The four net.ahumans regained consciousness, and were surprised
to find that the three of them who had been most recently alive, were
still alive.
Writer Block Woman looked around at the spartan chamber that
they were in. It was a white domed room with a metallic floor. Along
one wall was a window showing water and a few beds of kelp. "Either
Khe Saraq is into aquariums in a big way, or this Roq place is
undersea," she observed.
"That's good," said Chinese Guy, inspecting the locked door that
marked the only obvious exit. "The further we are from a desert, the
less likely we are to get roped into doing dingo jokes. I've had this
bad feeling about the name 'Alice Springs' for quite a while now." He
looked at DeadHead Man. "Have a look around outside, would you?"
DeadHead Man nodded, then went, "Ow!" as he tried to pass through
the wall and found that he couldn't. "It's no good, man. The dudes who
built this thing made it, like, unpassable."
Insomnia Lad nodded thoughtfully. "It looks like they've made
preparations against all of us."
"So now what?" asked DeadHead Man.
Insomnia Lad shrugged. "If things follow the standard pattern:
guards will show up and take us to the head villain, who'll gloat at
us and possibly make a fatal mistake that could be avoided if he
bothered to read the Evil Overlord's Guide, then we'll be imprisoned
to await his further pleasure - which will probably involve death
traps - after which we'll escape, find the Lotion of Emotion that
Punctuality Lad told us to get, and head back to Net.ropolis to use it
against Melissa."
"Oh yes," said Writers Block Woman through clenched teeth,
"Melissa."
Chinese Guy and Insomnia Lad exchanged a Significant Look.
Writers Block Woman had been coping quite well up until now, since the
direct threat from the villain (or in the case of the flight.thingy
malfunction, the indirect threat from the villain) had taken her mind
off the absence of Mouse. Now, however, the slower pace of the story
as they stood around waiting for Khe Saraq to make the next move was
giving her time to brood again.
"I wouldn't be concerned about Mouse," said Insomnia Lad,
reassuringly. "She's a grown woman and a member of the Legion. She can
take care of herself."
Writers Block Woman grimaced. "I'm her mother. I worry! Ever
since DeadHead Man met up with us again off-panel between issues 25
and 26 and told us that they had all been transported back in time
rather than disintegrated by Melissa's death ray in issue 22, and that
she was running around in deplorable eighties fashions, I've just been
worried sick. I mean, what if she comes back and she's still dressed
like a Madonna wannabe? The horror! The horror!"
"Well, at least she's not dead."
"That's true."
"Is there anything else that you can tell us about what happened
once the six of you were transported into the past?" Chinese Guy
asked of DeadHead Man.
DeadHead Man considered this for a second, then replied, "The
Jerry Garcia concerts were even better the second time around, 'cause
I could take a front row view."
Chinese Guy was about to reply that, no, the fact that DeadHead
Man had decided to use the displacement into the past as an excuse to
take the long way home and exist through the entire seventeen year
period again just so that he could re-experience his favourite
concerts was not what he had been asking about, when the guards
finally turned up.
"No false moves," one of them ordered as the others leveled their
machine guns at the heroes. "You will come with us."
"Better do as they say," said Insomnia Lad, whose encyclopaedia-
like knowledge of formulaic plot lines gave him a pretty good idea of
what was coming. The Legionnaires needed information, and spruiking
a villain was a time honoured way to get just that.
The guards led them to another domed room, this one larger and
far better appointed that the holding cell that they had woken up in.
There was another window looking out into the sea, this time onto a
coral reef with numerous fish. Sitting at a massive desk with a globe
of the world was a handsome yet vaguely menacing looking man dressed
in a suit. He was stroking a white cat.
It all looked so much like a movie set from a spy thriller film
that the one inconsistency was glaringly obvious. The four heroes
could not help but notice that on a small table to one side of the
villain's own desk were some childrens' dolls.
"Ooo!," breathed Writers Block Woman as she spied the dolls.
"World Dominatrix Barbie and Minion Ken. With full accessories. Do you
know how rare these are?"
"I am so glad you like them," said the man with the cat. "Welcome
to The Roq. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Khe Saraq."
" 'The most dangerous man in the world', " DeadHead Man recited.
Khe Saraq sighed. "If you wish. That particularly hyperbolic nom
de guerre isn't one that I chose myself, but one tries to live up to
one's reputation."
Writers Block Woman struck a dramatic pose. "We are the Legion of
Net.Heroes..."
"Plus one," pointed out NTBer DeadHead Man.
"...plus one..." said WBW.
"Better make that plus two," said Chinese Guy, who at this point
in continuity wasn't a LNH member yet.
"...plus two," amended WBW, without missing a beat. "I am Writers
Block Woman, and these are my compatriots, Insomnia Lad, Chinese Guy
(currently sans Squirrel), and DeadHead Man."
"Writers Block Woman... Ah, you are Alys, then. So pleased to
meet you. Ian told me so much about you."
"Ian?"
"Ian Bond."
Her eyebrow arched in surprise. "You know him?"
"Oh course. He's a regular adversary. I must say you made quite
an impact on him. He wines and dines every beautiful lady that he
meets as a matter of course, but during our last encounter he seemed
somewhat distracted and barely survived the piranha tank death-trap.
We had lunch afterwards - under armed supervision of course, because
he does have a nasty tendency to try and use hors d'oeuvres as missile
weapons during escape bids if he's left unsupervised - and he
mentioned you."
"Well, that's very flattering," she said, floundering for
something diplomatic to say.
"What are you two on about?" asked Chinese Guy.
"Just making small talk," WBW replied. "We have a mutual
acquaintance in a gentleman spy by the name of Bond."
"Licensed to kill?" put in DeadHead Man.
"Oh, I wouldn't doubt that one little bit," she said. Then she
added off-handedly, "We met back in issue 32 of my own net.comic. We
chased down Carmen SanFrancisco together."
"Oh?" said Insomnia Lad archly. "You mean the one that stole the
LNHHQ? *That* Carmen SanFrancisco?"
(It was still a sore point with some of the Legionnaires who had
actually been inside at the time.)
"Uhm, yes. That one."
"Perhaps we should save this for later so that we can talk with
the nice villain?" suggested Chinese Guy.
"Oh, if we must," conceded Writers Block Woman. She struck a
dramatic pose again. "We are here seeking the Lotion of Emotion..."
"Which counteracts the Potion of Commotion." said Khe Saraq.
The four of them blinked in surprise. "You already know about
it?" WBW said.
"Yes, of course. Did you think that it was a dead-end clue? My
chemists have been synthesising both the Lotion and the Potion for
quite some time. A while ago a sample of the Potion of Commotion was
stolen from the 'Alice Springs' base, and now with the appearance of
Vector and her virus-based powers, it's obvious what happened to it.
Moreover, it's equally obvious someone would be arriving to obtain
some of the Lotion to counteract her abilities, especially since they
have become unstable."
"Unstable?"
"Ah, you're not aware of her problems?" Khe Saraq pushed a
button on the control panel beside his desk, and number of monitor
screens activated, each showing a different scene. One of them was a
shot from issue 28 showing the 50 foot tall Melissa being defeated by
Google-13 and the Legion of Costumed Individuals. Another was of Data
Eraser from issue 24 wiping out the minds of other Vectors (plus
actually physically disintegrating large chunks of buildings in
Net.ropolis.) And there were a couple of others that I won't bother to
describe so that other Writers can include their own rampantly
mutating renegade Melissa iterations if they want.
Khe Saraq continued: "A small but significant fraction of the
Melissa-clones have mutated into a variety of new threats, some of
them still working for the Church of the Fourth Wall, some going on
rampages which the Church has taken advantage of, and some working
against the interests of the Church, either directly or indirectly."
"Whoa!" said DeadHead Man.
"Well then, give us some of the Lotion so we can go and stop
her," said Insomnia Lad.
"I'm afraid not. I am already assembly a squad of my minions to
use the Lotion against Melissa," he demurred. "You, however, are going
to battle to the death with my giant carnivorous mutant platypuses. It
is, after all, net.villain etiquette to always try and kill the
heroes."
"Monster!" cried Writers Block Woman, leaping forward... only to
run smack into an invisible force field that had surrounded the four
of them.
"Give my regards to the duck-bills," he said, pressing another
button which caused a trap door to open up underneath them.
"Waaahhh!" went the net.heroes as they fell into the pit.
Then, just as the trap door was closing, a voice could be heard
from down below. "Uhm, guys? How come you two fell down here with us?
You two can *fly*..."
Khe Saraq nodded with satisfaction, then went beck to running
his criminal empire. Oh yes, and stroking his cat.
This lasted about fifteen minutes, before a distant rumbling
caught his attention. He frowned, and turned to one of his guards. "Go
and find out what that noise is..."
Which was just when a giant carnivorous mutant platypus burst
through the double doors as though they were tissue paper, bellowing
and snarling and baring its fangs. It was approximately two metres
tall at the shoulder and caused considerable damage as it thrashed
about. However, the most incongruous part of its appearance was the
fact that Insomnia Lad had somehow managed find a bridle big enough
to fit it and a cowboy hat for himself, and was riding on top of the
monstrous monotreme as though it were a rodeo bronco and yelling,
"Yee-HA!"
"How is this possible?" demanded Khe Saraq incredulously as his
guards tried to shoot at the creature, only to fail and then run for
their lives as the platypus rounded on them. The rumbling grew closer,
and then resolved itself into the sounds of explosions that were
rocking the base.
"Because goodness and niceness always triumph!" declared Writers
Block Woman as she flew down from above. Then to Insomnia Lad: "Where
did the others get off to?"
"The three other platypuses? Or Chinese Guy and DeadHead Man?"
"Chinese Guy and DeadHead Man."
"I think they went off to the labs to see if there were any
samples of Lotion about," shouted Insomnia Lad as the platypus
lumbered at speed out to terrorise the rest of the base. "Otherwise
we'll have to go to Alice Springs."
An explosion rocked the room, almost forcing Khe Saraq to his
knees. He dropped his cat, which yowled and ran away across the room.
"No, it cannot end like this!"
"Nyah nyah nyah nyah!" went Writers Block Woman. "That's what the
bad guys *always* say just before they get beaten."
"Misbegotten woman," snarled Khe Saraq, pulling out a handgun.
Then a girder fell from the ceiling and impaled him through the chest,
killing him instantly.
"Ew!" WBW ewed.
With that climactic event out of the way, the explosions began to
taper off. Writers Block Woman dropped to the floor and peered through
the smoke. "Hmmm," she mused to herself as she contemplated the ash
and soot that were settling about the place. "I shall definitely have
to wash my hair when I get home."
=( Actually, Writers Block Woman, I would suggest a full bath. )=
The voice in her head was one that Writers Block Woman did not
recognise, and she spun around in a defensive stance, peering into the
murk. "Hello? Who's there?"
=( It is I, Khe Saraq. )=
"But you're dead."
=( Am I? )= asked the telepathic voice, amused. =( How amazing.
I am surprised thought that you should think that is a good reason to
protest against my presence. What with you currently associating with
DeadHead Man, and all. )=
"Where are you!?"
=( Down here. )=
She looked down. Sitting rather smugly on the floor not far from
her was a certain white cat.
"*You're* Khe Saraq?"
=( Well... Not entirely. I am the brains behind Khe Saraq. Khe
Saraq is merely a facade. What better way to direct my criminal
empire than to hide in plain sight and let my meat-puppets take all
the credit - and hence all the danger - of up-front public relations?
You may call me Tiddles. )=
Tiddles padded over towards her. =( Poor Dennis. That's the
fellow who took the girder through the chest, in case you're
wondering. His original usefulness was mainly from the contacts he
knew in the Golden Triangle region before I... took him over. But I
have long-since developed those contacts past the point of needing his
'familiar face' for business deals. )=
Writers Block Woman reached down and picked up the cat.
=( Be a dear and try not to hold my right flank too hard, will
you? I'm feeling a bit tender there just at the moment. )= Then he
began to purr as she stroked him.
=( So then, vale Dennis. Ah well, never mind. They all seem to
meet such sticky ends, so I've found it's best not to get too attached
to them. As they say, 'today is the first day of the rest of your
life'. )=
Tiddles paused thoughtfully. =( You know, considering your
connections to Jonathon Connery of Conspiracy Corporation, I wonder
whether I should keep you indefinitely as my new front, or merely for
a short term until I can get close enough to 'invite' him to take your
place as the public face of my organisation. Decisions, decisions. )=
While Tiddles pondered these questions, the new Khe Saraq went
off to change her wardrobe and begin setting operations back in order.
HOW WILL MOUSE REACT TO THIS ENDING THAT HAS BEEN
RIPPED-OFF FROM THE PLOT OF A POWERPUFF GIRLS ACARTOON?
WILL WRITERS BLOCK WOMAN BE AGAIN MADE TO FORGET THAT
MOUSE AND COMPANY WERE NOT KILLED BY MELISSA?
AS THE CURRENT KHE SARAQ, WILL WRITERS BLOCK WOMAN
EVEN *CARE* THAT MOUSE WASN'T KILLED BY MELISSA?
The answer to these and other questions may or may not be forthcoming
in the next issue of: Birth Of A Villain. Probably written by someone
other than me.
----------
Saxon Brenton Uni of Technology, city library, Sydney, Australia
saxon.brenton@uts.edu.au
"Ultimately, it works the way it does because it's the way plastic
exterior transtemporal mechanics function when you're dealing with
omni-dimensional ripple effects triggered at the end of a continuum
packet."
- Kurt Busiek, rec.arts.comics.marvel.universe, 2001
