Conceived, written, revised, and posted in less than a day,
Low Budget Productions proudly presents,
A chaotic add-on cascade-type Legion of Net.Heroes title
Birth of a Villain #28
"48 Minutes", or "Berth of a Villain"
Written by Jamie Rosen
Minute 1
The bullet train to Net.ropolis had been stalled in its tracks for
well over half an hour, and the passengers were starting to get
restless. The dining car -- more of a fast food car, really -- had
shut down the minute there had been a sign of a delay, adding to the
collective consternation of the customers.
"I say," Belinda Weaselhead exclaimed, standing up and trying to
peer through the window and over the trees that so rudely blocked her
vision, "whatever could be the hold up?"
A harried-looking conductor approached her seat. "We're terribly
sorry, ma'am, but there appears to be a giant female of just under
seventeen yards in height attacking the city."
"I see," Belinda said, sitting down and adjusting her foot-wide
sunglasses. "Well, I suppose I can't blame the train company for the
attack of the fifty foot woman."
Minute 16
On a rooftop somewhere in this sprawling Net.ropolis, a hero in
a white jacket and black jeans awaited his final battle.
He had been waiting for some time. He checked his watch. He checked
his daybook. He checked his nephew's history textbook.
Had it really been so long?
"I should have known not to bother," he said, lighting his cigarette
and exhaling smoke dramatically. "I wouldn't be surprised if
everyone's forgotten about me by now." He finished his cigarette and
tossed it over the side of the building, oblivious to the cries of
anguish that came from below.
The cries of anguish that came from several blocks away, however,
caught his attention.
"This must be it," he said, unholstering his custom-built-circa-1984
pistol. "It's time for the world to remember Google-13."
Minute 21
In another time, another place, somewhere on the other side of the
tenuous structure that separates all realities and existences, a team
of costumed individuals relaxed on a rare night off.
"Ah, there's nothing like a professional development day to really
bring out the taste of a good pizza," Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad said,
taking a bite out of a pineapple and broccoli pizza.
"Most definitely," the Expendable Man agreed as he bit into his
triple-cheese, stuffed-crust pepperoni, bacon and ham pizza with extra
cheese. "It's too bad the rest of the team had to take off."
"Well," Pedestrian Girl said, "it's nice not having Lewd Lad and
Straitlace Lass around. A lot quieter."
The Expendable Man nodded, then grimaced and hit himself on the
chest.
"You okay?" Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." The Expendable Man shook his left arm a bit. "Just
some gas."
"Alright. You had me worried for a sec--" Suddenly, Fourth Wall
Demolisher Lad stopped speaking and started to cough, his face turning
an unusual shade of blue -- he was choking!
"Here, let me help you," Pedestrian Girl said, pushing her chair
back. But before she could reach her team-mate, her whole body started
to tingle. "Oh no! Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad, don't--"
Her voice was cut off as the trio was whisked through time, space,
and imprints. Luckily for Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad, the pizza in his
throat was left behind.
"Where are we?" the Expendable Man asked, looking around. The city
looked fairly normal... except for that woman assaulting a building
in the distance. Why, she looked to be at least fifteen metres tall!
"Sorry, guys," Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad said, before passing out.
Minute 24
Google-13 didn't know where they came from, but the costumed
individuals that fell out of the sky had almost landed on him. People
in costumes almost landing on him was not a part of heroing that he
had particularly missed during his time of waiting.
"Don't move," he hissed, aiming his handgun at them. "Who are you?"
"We're the Legion of Costumed Individuals," Pedestrian Girl said,
slowly. "Well, three of them. We seem to have wound up in another
dimension... I'm sure we'll be able to get out of here the minute
Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad wakes up. Sorry to trouble you."
Google-13's eyes narrowed, filled with intensity. "Are you...
Net.Heroes?"
"Are we what?" the Expendable Man said, stepping forward. A shot
rang out from Google-13's custom-built-circa-1984 pistol. It narrowly
missed the Expendable Man's head, ricocheted off a water tower behind
him and embedded itself in the roof between his legs.
"I *said* don't move." Google-13 drew another unfiltered cigarette
from its pack, keep his weapon trained on the people in front of him
the whole time.
"Look, whoever you are," Pedestrian Girl said, careful to remain
absolutely motionless, "please don't shoot us. We're not Net.Heroes,
whatever those are. Like I said, we seem to have been accidentally
transported to your dimension, and as soon as our friend here wakes
up, we'll be on our way."
"*gnknuk*" said Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad, trying to regain
consciousness.
"Your friend doesn't look so good," Google-13 said, putting his
cigarette out on his arm and starting another one.
"No need to get personal," the Expendable Man said. "And you're no
Robert Goulet yourself."
Google-13 shrugged.
*gnkNUK!*" With a horrible hacking-retching sound, Fourth Wall
Demolisher Lad sat up. "Wuh happin?"
"Well, you were choking, and I guess the panic must have activated
your powers," Pedestrian Girl said. "If you can just send us home,
we'll leave this fellow to... do whatever it is he's doing."
"Sure thing," Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad said. Closing his eyes, he
concentrated on sending himself and his two friends home. A
cell-phone and two hymn books fell into his lap. "Um. Maybe not."
Minute 24 (elsewhere)
At the home base of the Church of the Fourth Wall, yet more klaxons
and alarms began to sound.
"I don't believe it!" Father Brown said, momentarily distracted from
the assault of former President Taft (wockachika-wockachika) on his
Church. "Another breaching of the fourth wall... and look at the
reading! It's off the charts!" He looked around desperately -- it was
times like this that really cried out for throwing things at people.
"This is the most dangerous time of all for the Church of the Fourth
Wall. If this keeps up, the very wall itself could be... demolished!"
Minute 29
"So what you're telling me is that we can't get back to our home
universe," Pedestrian Girl said.
"Not right now. My powers still seem to be a little out of control,"
Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad said, holding up the book about Rome that
had fallen on his head when he tried to send them all back home.
"Well then what can we do?"
Google-13 holstered his sidearm and jumped down from his perch on
the water tower. "I don't know about you three," he said, opening a
fresh pack of smokes, "but I'm going to go fight *that*." He pointed
toward the 600-inch Melissa that was menacing a portion of downtown
Net.ropolis.
The three costumed individuals exchanged glances. "Why not?" the
Expendable Man said.
"How will we get there?" Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad asked.
"We could walk," offered Pedestrian Girl.
"Come with me," Google-13 said, leaping to the fire escape. In the
alley at the bottom, a really funky looking white Lotus Esprit Turbo
sat, waiting for its owner.
"Can you fit four people into that thing?" Fourth Wall Demolisher
Lad asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes."
"I don't know," Pedestrian Girl said. "I think I'd rather walk."
"Suit yourself," Google-13 said, getting into the car.
"No, wait." the Expendable Man said. "Come on, guys. We have to do
*something* while we're here." Without waiting for a reply, he jumped
into the passenger side of the car. "Shotgun!" he called.
Pedestrian Girl sighed and joined Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad in the
back seat that Google-13 had had put in for just such an emergency.
Well, he'd had it put in for another reason, but we won't go into the
details here because this is a family publication.
Tossing the butt out the window and lighting up another one,
Google-13 turned the key in the ignition. "Just don't get in my way,"
he said through gritted teeth.
Minute 35
The really cool white Lotus Esprit Turbo pulled up one block shy of
the 1500+ centimetre tall redheaded woman.
"Everybody out," Google-13 growled. "This is where we go to work."
Dutifully, the three costumed individuals piled out of the really,
really awesome car and gathered in the street. "What do we do now?"
the Expendable Man asked.
"Same thing we always do," Google-13 said. "We fight."
As the tight-lipped hero scaled the fire escape to the top of the
building beside them, Pedestrian Girl turned to her companions.
"What does he mean, 'always'?"
Shrugging, Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad set off after the grim and
gritty hero, followed by his team-mates.
Minute 37
On the rooftop, Google-13 tossed a new cancer stick into his mouth.
Glancing over his shoulder, he blew a ring of smoke into the air.
"What took you so long?" he asked.
Before anyone could answer, the building shook under the attack of
the 1/35th-of-a-mile-high woman. "What?" she bellowed, straining the
leather of her costume with her size. "More Net.Heroes? You will fall
just like your team-mates." A swipe of her hand sent the Expendable
Man flying backwards and down, down, down to the concrete below.
At least, it would have if there hadn't been a couple of thieves
trying to steal a mattress from the apartment below them. His fall
broken by the bed, and the thieves, the Expendable Man scrambled back
onto the top of the building.
"ERGH!" shouted the... uh... really tall redhead. She seemed to be
concentrating. "Why isn't it working? You all must succumb to my
Legionnaire's Disease!"
Google-13 squinted. "Like heck," he said, squeezing off five rounds
into MegaLissa's hide. "We're not Net.Heroes."
"That tickles," she said, laughing. "Well, if I can't put you to
sleep, I can always put you to death!" An overhead palm strike crushed
the section of roof where Google-13 had been standing just a moment
after he leapt to safety.
"Drat," the dark hero muttered, moving to put his back up against a
wall.
"Shoot her again!" Pedestrian Girl shouted.
"I'm out of bullets."
"What?"
Google-13 grimaced. "I used the sixth bullet shooting at your
friend." He gestured toward the Expendable Man, who was clinging for
all he was worth to the edge of the hole MegaLissa's hand had made.
Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad was desperately trying to pull his friend
and team-mate back to the relative safety of the roof itself.
"Then reload!"
"I don't carry any extra clips."
"What?!" Pedestrian Girl walked sternly over to the ruthless hero.
"You carry eight packs of cigarettes and only one clip of ammunition?"
"I don't need any more," Google-13 said, discarding his tube of
death and lighting up another.
"Well you do *now*!" Pedestrian Girl glanced around. She could go
for help, but even at her top walking speed she probably wouldn't be
back in time. The Expendable Man wouldn't really be much help, and
with Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad's powers on the fritz... that was it!
"Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad!" she cried, hoping to be heard over
the MegaLissa's screams of rage -- at least a cigarette in the hair
was bad no matter what size you were. "Try to steal the author's Fig
Newton."
"What?" Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad shouted back, almost dropping the
Expendable Man.
"Try to steal the author's Fig Newton. For Google-13."
Fourth Wall Demolisher Lad shrugged and closed his eyes just as the
Expendable Man climbed up to join him. Suddenly, the air above
Google-13 began to blur, shimmer, shake, and rattle... and then a
large firearm fell in his hands.
"What's this?" Google-13 asked.
"A big new gun," Pedestrian Girl explained, pleased with herself.
She pointed at MegaLissa, who had managed to extinguish her hair and
was turning her attention back to the gathered group on the roof. "Now
shoot."
Google-13 smiled, not a very pleasant sight, and took aim with this
new hand-cannon. "Time for a makeover, Lissie," he muttered, squeezing
the trigger three times in quick succession.
Minute 48
The conductor made sure to position himself at the front of the
train car before making his announcement. "Attention, passengers," he
said. "We are happy to announce that the really rather tall woman
whose mad rampage through the streets of Net.ropolis had stopped this
train dead in its track has been defeated."
"HOORAY!"
The conductor took a breath. "Unfortunately, we regret to inform you
that the track is currently blocked by the body of a quite towering
redhaired woman, and that we will be unable to move forward until city
officials come and remove said impediment. Thank you."
"BOOOOO!"
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IF GOOGLE-13'S BEEN AROUND SINCE 1984, HOWCUM WE NEVER HEARD OF
HIM BEFORE?
ARE THESE THREE MEMBERS OF THE LEGION OF COSTUMED INDIVIDUALS
STUCK IN THE LOONIVERSE FOR GOOD?
OSD, LNH, NTB, LBP -- WILL ANY MORE IMPRINTS BE SUCKED INTO THE
CHAOTIC ADD-ON WAR AGAINST THE CHURCH OF THE FOURTH WALL?
HOW *DO* THEY GET THE CARAMEL INTO THE CARAMILK BAR?
For answers to these and/or other questions, be sure to tune
in to the next issue of Birth of a Villain!
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Author's Note: If you really want to be confused, try reading this
series in reverse order.
--
"Smoke is smoky!"
