Birth Of A Villain: Part 23
What Has Gone Before: (borrowed and adapted from Rob's
excellent summary)
The Melissa computer virus, come to life as the
super-villain Vector, threatens to destroy the Internet
with the aid of her "Legionaires' Disease." While
super-heroes Lad, Authorial and Invisible Intangible
Inaudible Lass escape her overwhelming abilities,
another group of super-heroes (supposedly led by
Easily-Discovered Man Lite and Mouse) have been sidetracked
from their quest to find the mysterious Lotion of Emotion,
by the Vectorbot, and sent back to 1984 in really awful
period costumes. Of their team, only Writers Block Woman,
Chinese Guy and Insomnia Lad remain, hurtling towards
the ground and confronted by the victorious Vectorbot.
Gorilla Grad, rescued by a leftover failsafe computer
programme of Doctor Stomper's, has escaped and is trying
to warn the remaining LNH members of the Church of the
Fourth Walls plans for Doctor Stompers interdimensional
teleportational technology. He has also discovered
Vector's origins.
The evil Church of the Fourth Wall is currently being
besieged by the animated corpse of former President W.H.
Taft and is trying to call up the Cabbage Wielding Angel
of Death to defeat him.
Tsar Chasm has also entered the good fight, perturbed at
the recent activities around him.
In more worrying news, the plot summaries are starting to
rival the storylines for length.
***
When last we left our fleeing Gorilla, he was doing just
that:
Gorilla Grad fled away from his former place of captivity,
evading the lookouts as he went. There seemed to be an awful
lot of them - many of them wearing combat gear. He wondered
why they were not helping fend off ex-President William Taft.
He cleared the immediate area and paused for breath, looking
around him. "What is... where am I?"
"Washing.net, just outside the headquarters of the Church of
the Fourth Wall." came a voice from just above him. He
looked up to see a man floating impressively in mid-air.
Even more impressively, he was managing to do this whilst
also wearing full battle armour.
Gorilla Grad gasped. "Tsar Chasm!"
The villain's villain smiled briefly at him. "The one and
only. Which is more than I can say about Vector. There _is_
such a thing as too many redheads you know."
"BLASPHEMY!" yelled a voice and a man in combat gear dropped
down from out of a nearby tree and began to fire at Tsar
Chasm, who with one casual wave of his arm put up a shield,
and with the other, grabbed Gorilla Grad and dragged him away
to talk.
"So, what business did the Church have with you?" he inquired.
"They wanted to sacrifice me to call forth the Cabbage-
Wielding Angel of Death." Gorilla Grad replied. "Who was that
man?"
"Just a Summers fan, odd to find one of them in this group."
Tsar Chasm observed. "So they actually went ahead with their
foolish decision. Well, upon their own heads be it - I gave
them fair warning of the results."
"Warning?" Gorilla Grad frowned. "The note they received
from you said that you'd enjoyed having lunch with someone...
er.... Mouse. That was it. And that you wanted to do it
again sometime."
Tsar Chasm stared at him. "Ummm... are you quite sure it
said that?"
"Yes."
"No warnings or anything?"
"They read it out in front of me," said Gorilla Grad. "I
remember exactly what it said: 'Had a great time. Maybe
we could share another meal again soon. TC'."
Tsar Chasm thought about this. "Oops."
"Wrong note?" guessed Gorilla Grad.
"You got it," Tsar Chasm put his head in his hands. "Great,
now they think I want to eat lunch with them and goodness
only knows what Mouse thought of me!"
"Mouse? The one that got blasted back into 1984?" asked
Gorilla Grad.
"Yes, I'm still not sure about how they... what do you mean
got blasted back into 1984?" demanded TC.
"Well, this failsafe of Doctor Stomper's told me that the
default setting on the teleportation device would have
sent them all back to 1984, to the beginning of his
career."
Enlightenment dawned on TC's face. "Of course, they stole
some of Stomper's technology! That must be the key to
Vector's abilities. Quick! Back to the LNH HQ. The files
I need will be there."
"But what about the Church of the Fourth Wall?" asked
Gorilla Grad.
"They're about to have troubles of their own." grinned
Tsar Chasm.
"And Mouse and the others?"
Tsar Chasm paused. "Mouse is... resourceful. I'm sure she'll
make it back here at the required time."
"Lunchtime?"
***
Meanwhile, back in 1984 - when last we left our valiant heros
(or some of them at least) they were dressed in up to the
fashion chic (for 1984) and watching TV. Honestly, this
generation...
"People of this running-dog capitalist plot paper-tiger
Trotsky-ridden regime," the male began. "My name is Boris
'The Hammer' Ivanyoutovanmeyovich."
"And I," the woman said, "am Natasha 'The Sickle'
Yuvantokomova."
"And together," both said, "we will crush this symbol of
your decadent so-called democracy and bring glory to our
Leninist workers' paradise, for we are: THE RED SQUARES!"
"Somebody fetch me a cracker," Lite muttered, turning away
from the window. "I seem to have found the cheese."
"No," said Mouse. "No, no, absolutely NOT! We are NOT
getting sidetracked from our mission YET AGAIN to deal with
a couple of losers that even Lite could deal with. NO WAY,
NO HOW! We are going to get back to the 1990s... and then,
do all that other stuff."
"You mean find the Lotion of Emotion?" asked Twaeila.
"No no, she means work out how Alice Springs, whoever or
wherever that may be works into it." said DeadHeadMan,
once again possessing the body of Coward Lad.
"No, more likely she means getting to Sig.ago to thwart
whatever it is that Vector plans to do there." said
Lenny the Squirrel.
Mouse groaned. She was doomed! Trapped in the past,
confronted by two badly accented supervillains, and surrounded
by people who were willing to cut any corners, face any evil,
miss _any_ episode of MST3K to get to a one-liner. Doomed.
DOOMED!
"Alright," she said, pulling herself together. "First things,
first. How are we going to get home. Anyone?"
"Ask for directions?" suggested Twaeila.
"_Serious_ suggestions?"
"Usually in situations like this we just have to find
someone in this time with enough knowledge to get us back
to where we came from." said Lite.
"Good! Now," said Mouse. "Who would be around in 1984 to
give us a hand? Someone who knows a lot about time travel.
Someone reasonably competent."
"Doctor Stomper?" said Lenny. "I hear he's pretty hot stuff."
"Thank you Lenny! I hereby revise my opinion of irritatingly
cute furry animal sidekicks."
"Thanks... hey!"
Mouse chewed her lip as the squirrel glowered at her. "We
seem to be back in Net.ropolis (argh, after all the time we
spent trying to get out of here, oh well), so the Doc
should be here too, right?"
The group thought and tried to remember (and marvelled at
Mouse's newfound ability to speak in brackets). Behind her,
the TV continued to cover its fast-breaking news story.
"And a new development has taken place in front of the Net.
York MTV headquarters, where the two Russian supervillains,
Boris and Natasha have taken a hostage."
"Why," said Lite. "Do I have a suddenly sinking feeling?"
"And the hostage has been identified as a visiting science
teacher - Mr Stomper of Net.ropolis." A man was seen waving
from his position inside a headlock laid on by Boris.
"AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!" screamed Mouse. "So now we have
to go to NET.YORK!!! And dressed like THIS! Oh the shame!"
she fumed. "Someone PLEASE tell me that their new outfits
came complete with cash, cheques or credit cards."
Everyone felt through their pockets. Finally Coward Lad
pulled out a pile of plastic cards.
"Yes!" said Lite. He pointed. "To the airport!"
The group all ran off, save for Mouse, who waited patiently.
Within ten minutes they were all back, looking somewhat
sheepish. Mouse waited till they had all lined up, then
turned and faced the other direction. She pointed, "To the
airport!"
Everyone took off at a fast run.
Mouse sighed, threw her heavily hairsprayed hair back and
followed them. She didn't even notice as the slip of paper
she'd mysteriously received earlier in the story fluttered
to the ground, displaying at last it's full mysterious
message, until this moment, discounted and misunderstood
by everyone:
"Beware the Nodakommandos!" [1]
***
When last we left our villains (some of them anyway):
"It worked!" yelled Father Brown in triumph. "Our
substitution of a few dozen dancing gorillas for Gorilla
Grad worked! The sacrifice has been accepted and the
Cabbage-Wielding Angel of Death is about to come forth!"
"And not above time!" yelled Acolyte. "Taft is almost
through the gates!"
"Really?" asked Father Brown. "So soon?"
"YES! Can't you hear his theme tune?"
Father Brown strained his ears and his eyes widened in
horror as he picked up a 'wocachika'.
"Come forth oh great Wielder!" sung two Vectors, their
white shifts whispering in the air as they trilled. "Come
forth!"
"Come forth... come forth!!!!" yelled Acolyte. "There
isn't much time!"
A crack appeared in the fabric of space.
"It's working!"
***
A helmeted man stood on the hill, watching the graphs on
his sensors. Suddenly, they spiked sharply. He grabbed his
com link.
"Heads up people! Now's the time to strike!"
***
Father Brown gaped as part of the wall exploded. "What in
the???"
The ceremony disrupted, the twin Vectors stumbled to a halt.
"Is it Taft?" asked Acolyte.
"No, it appears to be a military group."
"But everyone should be asleep! Struck down with Legionairres
disease!" Acolyte grabbed at Father Brown as automatic
weapon fire resounded through the Church of the Fourth Walls
up until now secret headquarters.
"Who are they?"
"Nodakommandos! Secure the building!" yelled a woman in red.
"Yessir!" said one man, charging forward and tripping over
his own feet.
The woman sighed and put her head in her hands, "Nice going
Slate. Now get up and act like a soldier!"
"YES SIR!!!!" Slate scrambled up and began to move things
frantically around.
"What's he doing?" demanded the Acolyte.
"He's... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Father Brown lunged forward.
"You're altering the doorway into the dimensions - you're
breaking the fourth wall!"
"Of course!" said the woman in red, jumping forward and
stopping him in his tracks. "We will achieve our goal -
to breach the fourth wall and drag David R. Henry into the
LNH universe - where he will at last WRITE FOR US! MUHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" howled Father
Brown. [2]
***
The zombified body of ex-president William Howard Taft paused
in its singleminded quest to find the major outputter of
energy and destroy it - the Cabbage Wielding Angel of Death!
Around him (it?) members of the Church of the Fourth Wall ran
around in circles as alarms of all sorts went off around
them and bad news flooded the building.
"The Nodakommondos have breached the main sanctum!"
screamed one follower.
"They've taken the armoury!" another cried.
"The ceremony to bring forth the angel has been interrupted
and they are attempting to breach the fourth wall!"
"Vector reports that Authorial, Lad, Narcoleptic Lad and
the lurker have escaped!"
"The Nodakommandos are pumping even MORE power into the
sacred ceremony! The engines canna take it anymore, they're
gonna blow captain!"
"Somebody shoot that man and give me some good news for
crying out loud!" cried a man in a monks robe.
"The Vectorbot is about to engage Writers Block Woman and
her remaining companions! They cannot possibly survive
its mighty attacks! Success is assured!"
"YOU FOOL! What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???!!!"
***
When last we left our other heros, Chinese Guy was clinging
to Insomnia Lad and the remainder of a flight.thingee wing,
and talking to Writers Block Woman as they fell:
"Did anybody just feel something odd?" asked Writers Block
Woman.
"Like what? A disturbance in the force, as though a single
voice had just asked an unbelievably stupid question which
was just begging fate to kick it in the face?" asked Chinese
Guy.
"No, a kind of whistling sensation." said WBW with an
abstracted expression.
"Oh that," said Insomnia Lad. "That's just the wind friction
around us as we plunge helplessly to a distant and unforgiving
ground. Which, I note, is getting closer with every moment."
"_That_ was it!" said WBW. "Thanks, it was beginning to bother
me."
"In a minute it's going to be doing a lot more than that!"
said Chinese Guy. "I suppose asking for a rescue is out of
the question?"
"I can't carry both of you," WBW explained. "One _possibly_,
but I wouldn't like to chance it. It's a pity you're both
reasonably well muscled young men - if you were scrawny wimps
this wouldn't be a problem."
"I'm a bit scrawny!" volunteered Insomnia Lad.
Chinese Guy glumly stared downwards at the fast approaching
hard surface.
"Hmmmm... what would Brian Boitano do?" Writers Block Woman
asked.
"May I make a suggestion?" asked Chinese Guy.
"Go for it."
"Do you think you could get under the remains of this wing
and propell it like a hangglider?" he asked.
"Ooooooooh! A plan! It's been a long time since I saw one
of those," said Writers Block Woman. "Gotta be worth a
try!" So saying, she put words to action.
Chinese Guy gritted his teeth as the wing tilted and clung
on for dear life. The WBW-propelled makeshift hang-glider,
hereby christened the hang.thingee began to slow its descent
and gently curve down, down... then up... up!
"YES!" exulted Chinese Guy. "It worked! Argh!" his fingers
slipped and he scrabbled for a better grip. Insomnia Lad
also grabbed out and the two men held the wing tightly.
"Well, that seems to have solved this problem," said WBW.
"Now there's just that Vectorbot to worry about."
"Yeah, where is it anyway?" asked Insomnia Lad. He looked
around. Then he looked over his shoulder.
"Oh," he said calmly. "There it is, directly in front of
us. RIGHT!!! RIGHT! GO RIGHT!!!!!"
"PREPARE TO DIE!" the Vectorbot aimed its Weapon of
Destruction (tm) at them and pulled the trigger. There was
a click as it jammed. Chinese Guy saw their chance.
"Go right dammit!" he yelled.
Writers Block Woman concentrated all her strength and
*pushed* the hang.thingee. It coasted gently to the right
and was about to swing past the Vectorbot, when it was
caught in Vectorbot's hand.
"Guck..." gasped Insomnia Lad, as incredibly strong fingers
began to *squeeze*.
"IT'S ALL OVER!" said Vectorbot.
"Oh no it isn't," grunted Chinese Guy. He held up a short
staff. Bracing one end against Vectorbot's hand he yelled.
"Take a look at this!"
Vectorbot leaned forward and peered at the staff, just as
he triggered the extension. Vectorbot dropped them, but it
was too late. The staff, made of some incredibly hard
substance, slammed through its head and then shattered
into a thousand tiny pieces.
Ever heard of petrified wood shrapnel? No? Well it's not
_quite_ as bad as metal shrapnel.
Not by much.
As Chinese Guy, Insomnia Lad and Writers Block Woman
frantically tried to rebalance themselves on the hang.
thingee, the Vectorbot reeled backwards and fell towards
the ground.
"Yeeeehaaaa!" yelled Chinese Guy. "Jack himself couldn't
do any better!"
"For goodness sake don't start that all up again!" said
Writers Block Woman.
"I meant Jack the Giant Killer."
"Oh, okay." WBW used her remaining strength to propell
the hang.thingee onto a building roof nearby and the
trio dropped onto it, then turned to observe the unmoving
Vectorbot.
"Do you think we destroyed it for good?" WBW asked.
"Doubt it," said Chinese Guy. "But we can hope."
"What are we going to do now?" Insomnia Lad asked.
Writers Block Woman turned to look at them, the grim light
of vengeance in her eyes. "We're going to finish what we
started. Though Mouse and the others may have perished in
the cause of justice, we can still fulfil their mission!
We're going to go find this Khe Saraq person, shake them
down, get to Alice Springs and get the Potion of Emotion.
This I swear, on my eternal heroic soul, Mouse and the
others... WILL BE AVENGED!!!!"
***
When last we left the first, supposedly dead, set of heros:
Mouse, Lite, Twaeila, Coward Lad and Lenny ran through the
streets of Net. York. They had made it there with only a few
bad moments ("What do you mean no animals on the plane?"
"But sir, it's not a REAL squirrel, it's my sisters soft
toy! ISN'T it Mouse..." "... Why, yes, sis. (whispered)
i'll get you for this", "you mean you'll try". :-)
"There it is!" Lite said as they dodged around some police
lines (and even a couple of police people!) to arrive at
the front of the MTV building. "And there they are! Larger
than life and three times as badly dressed. And coming
from our group that's a pretty harsh condemnation."
Boris looked up at the approaching group of eighties
stereotype-clad superheros.
"Let me talk to them," said Mouse. "Who knows, maybe we
can resolve this peacefully? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!"
Lenny still tucked under one arm, she headed for the two
villains.
"GO FOR IT MOUSE!" yelled Coward Lad. "Negotiation is the
key to victory!"
Boris started at yell and stared at the approaching pair.
He turned to his partner. "Natasha! Look! Is the enemy
headquarters warned us about - Mouse and Squirrel!"
Natasha arghed. "That was Moose and Squirrel, you
eeediot!" She slapped her compatriot around the head.
"Ouch!"
"Hi there," said Mouse. "My name is Mouse and I'm really
hoping to come to some sort of peaceable accord here. We
really need Mr Stomper over there for... a science project,
so can we have him back please?"
Natasha stared haughtily down at her. "We do not negotiate
with capitalist spoiled brat little girls!"
"Uh oh," said DeadHeadMan, who was floating beside Lite.
"This does not look good."
Mouse smiled sweetly at Natasha. "But honey, don't you
realise that we're living in a material world?" Her
grin widened. "And I am a material girl. Sic' em Lenny!"
Lenny the mighty attack squirrel lunged forward and sunk
his teeth into Natasha's arm. Mouse the foul-playing
currently-eighties-style-Madonna-lookalike did the same.
"YEAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!" screamed Natasha. "BORIS!"
"ATTACK!" yelled Twaeila, leading the charge.
Well, sort of. Coward Lad stayed firmly where he was,
DeadHeadMan was of no use in a physical encounter and
as for Lite, well....
"Oooh yeah baby, catfight!"
***
When last we left the final group of heros:
"*gasp* *wheeze* Wait... gotta get breath back." Authorial
panted. "Fate is so cruel! How could it bring my greatest
nightmare to life against me like this?"
"You mean having your body taken over to be used to try
and kill me?" asked Lad.
"No, being chased by hordes of beautiful leather clad
women - and not being able to do a damn thing about it."
"I think it only counts as one woman really," said
Narcoleptic Lad during one of his brief awake moments.
"Since they're all clones."
"Which way?" gasped Lad. "Hurry up, they're gaining."
"Zzzzzz..."
"_Great_."
Invisible-Inaudible-Intangible Lass was also having some
difficulty keeping up with the running men. *But I have
to stay with them,* she thought. *I'm the only one that
can protect them from Vector's mind control powers.*
The group pounded down the streets of Net.ropolis, following
directions from the occasionally conscious Narcoleptic Lad
until they lost the chasing Vectors and wound up at...
"LNH HQ," said Authorial. "At last, safety!"
"At last," agreed Lad. "We can catch our breath."
"No time for that!" a voice rang out. Tsar Chasm pounded
down the steps of the HQ towards them, Gorilla Grad in
hot pursuit. "I've discovered what Vector's ultimate
plot is! And I need _your_ help to thwart it."
"We're ready to help defeat those hot chicks!" said Lad,
puffing himself up.
"But mercifully defeat," said Authorial.
"Not you two," said Tsar Chasm, turning to look directly
at Invisible-Inaudible-Intangible Lass. "You!"
*Me?*
"We have to get to Sig.ago before Vector does." Tsar Chasm
continued. "The Church of the Fourth Wall made a grave error
when they created her, and we are the only ones who can
rectify their mistakes."
"I don't understand," said Narcoleptic Lad, who had woken
up again.
"They wanted her to slow down the LNH to prevent them
breaking the fourth wall," explained Gorilla Grad. "And so
she put them to sleep using her Legionairres disease, but
by putting most of them out of action, they have weakened
the First, Second and Third walls! If we don't get them
strengthened unimaginable horror could happen!"
"Like what?" asked Lad.
"We could all be sucked into... real life." said Gorilla
Grad.
The group blanched. "You mean... be... _normal_?" said
Authorial.
"The horror," said Narcoleptic Lad.
Tsar Chasm nodded grimly. "Doctor Stomper predicted
something like this might happen if his fracturing
teleportation technology was utilised, but the fools didn't
listen!"
"What do we have to do?" asked Authorial.
"We have to stop Vector! And then we have to stop the Church,
before they doom us all." said Tsar Chasm grimly. "Follow me,
I'll explain more while we prep a flight.thingee for
takeoff."
to be continued...
WILL TWAEILA, LENNY AND MOUSE BE ABLE TO DEFEAT BORIS AND
NATASHA, SAVE MR STOMPER AND GET HOME IN TIME TO HELP THE
OTHERS?
WILL THE NODAKOMMANDOS TRIUMPH OVER THE CHURCH OF THE
FOURTH WALL?
OR WILL SOMETHING ELSE HAPPEN TO THEM?
WHO, WHAT OR WHERE _IS_ ALICE SPRINGS?
WILL TSAR CHASM AND THE OTHERS BE SUCCESSFUL IN SLOWING
VECTOR?
[1] Mouse received the Nodakommandos note back aways from
Tsar Chasm, who accidentally sent it to her, and not the
Church of the Fourth Wall.
[2] People writing up the next part, David R. Henry and
friends of Dave please note that Father Brown is not angry
at the thought of bringing him through, it's that whole
"breaking the fourth wall" thing. It tends to make the
Church of the Fourth Wall unhappy. You'd think they'd
be used to it by now.
