[Cover: Two tsunami size waves made of superheroes and supervillains
come from opposite sides to crash into each other.
Always-Seems-Powerful-On-His-Own-But-Gets-His-Ass-Kicked-in-Crowd-Scenes
Boy stands in the middle and says in a dialogue balloon, "Oh
@#$%&*@#!!!!!!"]
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The place -- A Helicopter above Net.ropolis
The time --
B E I G E
M I D N I G H T
The number -- N I N E
The Writers -- Arthur Spitzer, Saxon Brenton, and Mynabird!
**** <<--BM-->> ****
April 2008 --
High Above the LNHHQ's front lawn --
This was very difficult, thought Building Suspense Lad as he was hanging
with just one hand on a helicopter landing skid. And it wasn't helping
that his arch-enemy Dr. Get-On-With-the-Damn-Story was trying to stomp
his fingers. And there seemed to be a beige tarantula (actually pink)
crawling up his leg.
He wasn't quite sure why he had grabbed onto the helicopter. Perhaps he
had hoped to beat Dr. Get-On-With-the-Damn-Story, Kaiser Krowd Zene (who
was teaming up with him at the moment), and a bunch of military guys
with thick German accents that were manning the helicopter and take it
down. But that plan hadn't exactly gone very well.
And now the strain of his fingers was becoming a little too much. And
gravity's hold was becoming overwhelming. He could hear Kaiser Krowd
Zene shouting something over the noise of the helicopter. Something
about landing the helicopter so that they could kick
Always-Seems-Powerful-On-His-Own-But-Gets-His-Ass-Kicked-in-Crowd-Scenes
Boy's ass (or Vick hist Vozz). But Dr. Get-On-With-the-Damn-Story would
have none of that. He kept shouting, "Get on with the damn story!!"
over and over again while he tried to stomp Building Suspense Lad's fingers.
And Building Suspense Lad looked down and around him at the battle of
all battles taking shape. He could see an out of control Looniversal
Answering Machine flinging Kirbybots at the Beige Clock Tower and
cackling in delight as they burst into dust. He saw Turtles of
Apocalyptic Proportions battling Zeppelins made of Cheeez, Spham, and
other humorously named food. There were three RACCelestials just
hovering above it all and just watching -- and occasionally muching on a
big bowl of popcorn they had. Batwinged Net.zi Kangaroos battled
Butterfly winged Rabbi Gila Monsters. Giant Bikini-clad Women (and also
a dragon wearing purple underpants by the name of -- FIN FANFIC FOOM!)
were playing a very destructive game of volleyball over the skyscrapers
of Net.ropolis. Building Suspense Lad watched the Pister Maprika
Building fall down as a gigantic volleyball slammed into it.
And up in the sky -- beyond the haze of insects that made up Dekay's
head, he saw what looked like a wolf trying to devour the Sun. And
in-between it, two stick figures (one male -- one female) making snarky
comments about it all.
Dr. Get-On-With-the-Damn-Story continued to scream, "Get on with the
damn story!!" Another one of Building Suspense Lad's fingers slipped.
He was down to two. Building Suspense Lad gritted his teeth. The agony
was almost unbearable. He looked down at the front lawn of the LNHHQ.
There were hundreds of superheroes battling what appeared to be millions
of supervillains. And he could see the leader of these villains,
Mynabird, mowing down various heroes as he made his way towards
Easily-Discovered Man Lite. Nothing could stop him.
He looked at his last two fingers. Each hanging on for dear life. It
reminded him of something that had happened to him when he was child.
He was eight years old and hanging onto the monkey bars for dear life.
And just when it seemed like he couldn't hold on forever, his eight year
old self had a flashback involving his three year old self and...
"GET ON WITH THE DAMN STORY!!!! GET ON WITH THE DAMN STORY!!!!!!!!!"
Dr. Get-On-With-the-Damn-Story slammed his foot down on one of Building
Suspense Lad's remaining fingers.
And now Building Suspense was down to one finger. One finger. And he
could feel that one starting to slip too. And in some way he was
relieved. He could finally let go. Let it all go.
And as he watched his last finger give up, he realized that there was
only one thing standing between him and the ground below.
And that thing was...
**** <<--BM-->> ****
PLANET MUHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!!!
PART II
'Mite-Lite of the Gods'
**** <<--BM-->> ****
LNHHQ Sub-Sub Basement 58.5 --
And then -- there was a calmness. The room stopped shaking.
Occultism Kid looked at the half page that was coming out of the Book of
Deus ex Machinas. The Spell of Spells. Surrounding him were four
circles made up of 57.5 trenchcoaters. And there was something else in
the room. Something that was playing with the jukebox. The same thing
that had been shaking the room.
But whatever it was it had calmed down. The song 'Another One Bites the
Dust' by Queen continued to play on the jukebox. Occultism Kid looked
down at the shards of the Cosmic Plot Device. Time to put that
together, he guessed. And then the lights went out. And then came on
again. And then off and on again. Apparently, the force in the room
with them had decided to play with the light switch. It was annoying,
but he could deal with that.
He fitted each piece till the cracks between began to mold together.
And a glow began to emit from the device. He could feel it start to
flow like a liquid in zero gravity. A gold jeweled liquid with all
kinds of power. It wanted him to form it into some type of object.
Occultism Kid decided an amulet form would suffice and hung the object
around his neck. He could feel a rush of power start to charge into
him. And then he heard a song in his head. The Cosmic Plot Device was
trying to speak to him. Give him suggestions. It didn't like all of
these trenchcoaters that were surrounding it and him. That would
probably be because the circles of trenchcoaters were dampening its
power and absorbing most of its corruption abilities.
The Cosmic Plot Device began to make a case to Occultism Kid for putting
on the Insanity Gauntlet and using the combined power to kill all of the
trenchcoaters. Only then would Occultism Kid have the power to slay the
Bryttles and restore the Looniverse back to its former self. And
according to the device, he only had a short window of time to do this
before the Bryttles became even more powerful than all of the magical
devices in this room.
Occultism Kid actually considered this for a few seconds. What if the
Cosmic Plot Device was right? What if killing everyone in the room was
the best option. The only option.
Occultism Kid shook his head. Not yet. But it scared the hell out of
him that he might have to do exactly that.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The LNHHQ Front Lawn --
I look at my hand. Red dripping. Dripping all over. And I turn my
head to see my teammates. My poor doomed teammates. My poor doomed LNH
sub group. Team
LNH-Subgroup-Designed-to-be-Mowed-Down-by-Mynabird-to-Show-What-an-Incredible-Bad-Ass-He-Is.
My team.
Over there is the lifeless corpse of
Comes-up-with-horrible-awful-names-for-LNH-subgroups Lad. The jokester
of our group. I think it might have been a mistake to have him name our
team. Yeah -- that was a bad idea.
And over there,
Yet-Another-Character-with-an-incredibly-long-name-that-won't-amuse-Scott-Eiler-but-hey-it's-okay-since-he's-dead
Man. The hothead of our group. He was so angry at the world. Angry at
a world that hates superheroes with incredibly long names. May he find
peace in the afterlife.
And sweet -- sweet
Her-Death-Would've-Been-More-Poignant-If-She-Had-Actually-Appeared-in-Something-Before-this-Issue
Lass (or Herdy as she liked us to call her). Sweet, sweet Herdy. The
female of our group. I wish I could have told -- told you how much --
how much I loved you. And now -- it's too late. Much too late. You're
dead.
And then there's me. The man who led this group to this grave. Me, the
team leader -- and token black guy. Me, Dr.
Can-Beat-Any-Supervillain-Except-for-Mynabird. It's all on me. Why did
I do this? Why did I lead them all here?
I grew up in a place called Quick Slide Falls. Time is so much faster
there. It was a place effected by the Slide-Rule of Time. In Quick
Slide Falls, 40 years has passed since Mynabird formed the Legion of
Net.Villains as opposed to the only one year or so in the rest of the
world. And because of that the legend of Mynabird is even greater there.
As a kid I was always good at almost everything. I always got straight
A's. Tons of sports trophies and blue ribbons for science projects.
But in spite of all that, it seemed like everyone was always telling me
there was one thing I couldn't do. One thing that I would never do. I
couldn't beat Mynabird. No matter how many medals, trophies, doctorates
I managed to get -- they'd always tell I couldn't beat Mynabird. Every
teacher, every coach, every priest, every professor, every politician.
Even my first girlfriend told me right after we had sex for the first
time that it was the best most amazing orgasm she had ever had -- but
that I couldn't beat Mynabird.
Even my Mother, my dear sweet Mama who loved me more than anything -- I
remember these words she said after I had graduated from college at the
age of 16. She gave me a big hug and said this with tears streaming
from her eyes. "Honey, I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud. And I want
you to remember this. Don't let anyone -- and I mean anyone tell you,
you can't do anything you set your mind too. Don't let anyone!" she
said pointing her finger straight at me. "Because if you work hard
there's nothing you can't accomplish. Nothing! You can do it all,
child. You can do it all. Well, except for beating Mynabird of course.
You can't do that. That boy's too much of a badass. But everything
else of course."
And I probably should have listened to her. But I didn't. I vowed on
that day that I would beat Mynabird. I devoted all of my abilities and
energy to that goal. I recruited like minded people and formed my own
LNH subgroup. And we trained and trained. For this day.
And that's how we all ended up here. That's how they all died. And now
I'm dying. I can hear Mynabird's suit stomping over here. His shadow
hovering over me. Maybe just maybe -- there's still a chance. A chance
to beat him. I go for my gun. And I point it and -- *click*. *Click*.
Out of bullets.
And I can see Mynabird looking down at me. And he says something --
something to me. "You can't beat me." And I want to laugh, but it's
too painful.
I could have accomplished anything. Cured cancer. Made cheap clean
energy to run the world. Taken down any other supervillain. But no. I
had to fight Mynabird.
I see a crackle start to emit from Mynabird's hand. Only time for one
more thought.
Probably should have taken down the Bryttles first.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Mr. Homage watched various members of the LNH and Mynabird's Legion of
Net.Freedom Lovers smacking the hell out of each other. There was no
point in getting in the middle of this just yet, thought Homage as he
slid his armored fingers along the edge of the Confederate saber he was
holding. Still, maybe he could pick off some of the lesser heroes. He
scanned over the battlefield looking for easy kills and spotted some
young hero wielding a plastic spatula who was busy dodging various
villain attacks.
It was him, wasn't it? The gnat that had started this hurricane. What
was it? Easily-Discovered Man Brite? Lite. Yes, Lite that sounded
right. Mynabird had created this vast supervillain army so he could
destroy this pathetic sidekick? That was rich! And a plan began to
form in Homage's mind.
Why not just kill this Lite himself? He had a feeling that the LNFL was
probably going to lose this battle anyways and that there was going to
be a change in leadership after that happened. If he killed Lite he
would not only rob Mynabird of his revenge, but also show the rest that
he could do something Mynabird had failed repeatedly to do. Kill
Easily-Discovered Man Lite. They'd have to make him leader.
And then he could mold this team into something more useful. Get rid of
the deadweight. He could then split up the team and place his most
loyal lieutenants in charge of each section. They would be all across
the world. He could just see it: A Brotherhood of Net.Villains in
Europe, Asia, Africa, South America, Alt.stralia. Everywhere. He could
run all of the organized crime in every country. And then use the
capital to buy stock in various corporations and make even more money.
Money to bribe any politician. That's how you rule the world. And he'd
have no problem with the LNH. They could continue battling space aliens
and cosmic menaces -- saving the world. He had no problem with that.
Of course various other villains would probably oppose him. He'd have
to get rid of them. Lagneto -- definitely.
But first things first. Get rid of Easily-Discovered Man Lite. Sorry,
Lite -- I have nothing against you. This is just a business decision,
thought Homage smiling to himself.
That's all.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"'ey right! Let's smash some 'eads!" said a punkish looking man wearing
a white wedding dress. His hair was thoroughly peroxided. "Let's give
some They Might Be Giant inspired 'ero gits a right good pasting!" he
said smashing a bottle of gin against a wall. And then he looked at one
of his mates, a man who seemed to have eyes, but no face. "'E's not
coming. 'E never comes."
The Eyes without a face turned his peroxide haired head. "I just 'ave
this feeling. And it's strong."
Another man with peroxided hair who seemed to be dancing with himself
sneered with disgust. "'E 'oo lives in 'is own 'eaven and collects it
to go from seven eleven 'as made 'is choice."
And the rest nodded their peroxide haired heads. The rest being a man
made of both flesh and fantasy, a man that once you saw him you couldn't
forget about him. And a woman covered with the word's 'Mony, Mony' all
over her clothes. Together they formed the punk supervillain band
called Billy's Idolaters.
"Wait!" said Eyes without a Face still scanning the battlefield.
"There! Do you see 'im? That armored bloke over with the sword?"
"What about 'im?" said Dancing-with-Myself sinking another drink.
"Oh wait!" shouted Mony-Mony Cover Girl. "It's a Civil War sword! A
confederate one at that!"
"Wait, you're not saying..." said White Wedding Lad.
"Yes," said Eyes without a Face. "Only one person alive would wield
such a sword into battle. There for that means that Mr. 'omage is
actually."
And they shouted together, "REBEL YELL!!!!!"
"Let's thrash that 'eretic!!!!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
As Mr. Homage made his way over towards Easily-Discovered Man Lite to
destroy him once and for all, he felt something hit him. That something
being an electric guitar.
"What the..." said Homage turning his head only to find himself faced
with a peroxide haired fury pounding the living hell out of him. Why in
the world were these punks attacking him?
The woman with the word Mony scrawled all over her clothes began crying,
"More! More! More!"
"'Ey take that you blasphemer of The Billy!!" shouted the punk in the
white wedding dress.
"Rebel Yell!" said Eyes without a Face clutching a bottle of peroxide.
"Long 'ave you scorned our ways. But no more. 'Old 'im down!! Time
for your 'air to feel -- The Peroxide of Truth!!"
"You idiots!!" Mr. Homage hurled the remaining Billy's Idolaters that
were still hanging on him and ripped off his face mask. "I am not Rebel
Yell. I have never been Rebel Yell!! My name is Robbing Lie-fild!!
Robbing Lie-fild!!!! See!?" [As revealed in Continuity Champ & The
Drizzt's Defenders #22 -- Footnote Girl]
"Seriously?" asked Kid Don't-You-(Forget About Me).
"Yes!! Seriously!!!"
"Wow, that was rather disappointing," said Eyes without a Face. "Oh,
sod this. Let's go steal some more electric guitars and peroxide!!"
And with that Billy's Idolaters rushed off into the day crying,
"Peroxide!!!"
Mr. Homage shook his head, put his face mask back on, and dusted himself
off. "Right. Where was I? Ah, yes. Killing Easily-Discovered Man
Lite. Now where did he..." But right before he could spot Lite a
gigantic volleyball the size of a house fell onto him.
Easily-Discovered Man Lite strolled by the utterly crushed Mr. Homage.
"Cool sword."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The Ultimate Ninja felt out of breath. That shouldn't be happening. He
was never out of breath. In the last ten minutes or so he had only
managed to slaughter a mere 99 evil alternate LNH teams. Teams made up
of 400 to 500 or so members. That was what -- only 49,000 or so? He
shouldn't be this tired.
Was it old age? Was the Beige Clocktower sapping all of his power? He
didn't know. All he knew was he could really use a break. The Ultimate
Ninja thought about all these evil LNH's he had massacred. The evil LNH
where everyone had Hitler mustaches. The evil LNH where everyone was an
insurance salesman. The Legion of Net.Hurters. The Legion of
Net.Hooligans. The Legion of Non.Heroes. The Legion of Nun.Hustlers.
And the evil LNH where everyone was an evil Pro-Wrestling Mime. And
countless others.
And then the Ultimate Ninja felt a shadow descend over him. "So,
Ultimate Ninja. Done with the appetizers? Ready for the main course?"
There was only one person who could say such a cheesy and inane bit of
dialogue. The Ultimate Ninja turned his head to see a giant RoboMAC.
"wReamicus Maximus!"
"Actually it's wReamicus MaxiTRON now. Like my new look?" wReamicus
MaxiTRON's left hand transformed into a chainsaw and his right hand into
a rocket launcher. "Pretty sweet -- huh? I can also change into a
helicopter, space shuttle, tank, Volkswagen, zamboni, and a Jacuzzi!"
"How about a coffin?" said the Ultimate Ninja whipping out his Ginsu Katana.
"Nah, I think I'll just put your severed head behind a display case in
some museum celebrating my greatness and sell the rest for pet food. A
coffin won't be necessary."
The Ultimate Ninja yawned.
"Oh, I know I've failed to destroy you countless times, but this time
it's different."
"Yeah? How?"
"Because I am now in this perfect form. You see all of those other
times I was in a flawed human form -- too flawed for one such as Dave to
respect. That was why I always lost."
"Really? It wasn't because you were a complete moron?"
wReamicus MaxiTRON laughed. "But now I have achieved a form even Dave
cannot resist loving. This RoboMAC form. And now he shall lead me in
victory against you and help me conquer the Looniverse so I can spread
the word of Dave to every galaxy -- to every planet. Even as we speak,
a team of my devoted acolytes are heading to LNHHQ sub-sub basement
#58.5 to acquire the Cosmic Plot Device, Ring of Retconn, Insanity
Gauntlet, and anything else of value."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
LNHHQ Sub-sub Basement #48 --
"No, I'm pretty sure it was #55.8," said Wally the Church of the Dvandom
Acolyte looking at a map.
"I'm telling you it was 85.5! I have a perfect memory for these
things!" said Lyle the Church of the Dvandom Acolyte stomping through
some swampy water.
"You know -- I'm beginning to think we should have wrote that number
down. Say -- what's that thing over there?" said Newt the Church of the
Dvandom Acolyte.
"It looks like some giant half scorpion/octopus creature!" said Max the
Church of the Dvandom Acolyte.
A tentacle shot out and dragged Wally into the darkness. Various
horrible screams followed.
"A man eating giant half scorpion/octopus creature," said Max.
"And map eating also," said Lyle.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"So, Ultimate Ninja. Are you ready -- for this our final battle?"
The Ultimate Ninja gazed straight into the eyes of the robotic hulk that
was wReamicus Maxitron and gave a nod.
"So be it. May the best RoboMAC win," said wReamicus Maximus with a
smirk on his face as he raised his chainsaw hand.
5 seconds later...
The severed head of wReamicus Maxitron watched as the Ultimate Ninja
somersaulted over his RoboMAC body and onto slaughtering even more evil
alternate LNHes.
Finally wReamicus Maxitron's severed head looked slightly up towards the
Fourth Wall. "Ah, Dave. You're a hard deity to please."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Twitter zoomed in to confront an average looking man dressed in casual
clothes rather than a costume. "Hi! I'm Twitter! I'm here to beat the
crap out of you. Apart from that, how's your day going?"
Her opponent smiled, as if he didn't have a care in the world. "Hey,
it's been great. I'm
Well-Adjusted-And-Doesn't-Have-To-Dress-Up-Like-An-Animal-To-Deal-With-His-Crippling-Emotional-Pain
Guy, by the way."
"That's a bit of a long name," said Twitter, dubiously.
Well-Adjusted-And-Doesn't-Have-To-Dress-Up-Like-An-Animal-To-Deal-With-His-Crippling-Emotional-Pain
Guy shrugged and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Well, yeah. But
it's not like the Legion is in a position to complain about long names,
is it? Anyway, let's get on with this. I'm meeting with my
not-dead-at-all parents later for lunch. Because, you know, they love
me and like to keep in touch."
Parents! A stab of angst hit Twitter hard in the chest. She fell to
her knees and wailed, "My parents don't love meeee!"
And WAADHTDULAATDWHCEPGuy smirked nastily. Well, that had been easy.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Sub-sub Basement 11 (Switzerland) --
A group of kiwis and oozlefinches were gathered in a room deep under the
LNHHQ in Sub-sub Basement 11 (or known to everyone else as
'Switzerland'). It was a neutral place for the various species that
lived in the LNHHQ to talk to each other. And now there was a big
meeting. A new threat had emerged.
The two representatives of the kiwis and oozlefinches stared at each
other in a suspicious manner. On the kiwis side was the wise old
Statesmen -- J. Random Kiwi. On the oozlefinches side was the great
Communicator -- T. Random Oozlefinch.
After a lot of deep staring, the two signed some papers. Then there was
some more deep staring. And eventually, they both shook hands (or wings
-- or whatever).
At that point, the room erupted in a lot of kiwi sounds and oozlefinch
sounds. Toothpicks, Paperclips, and other dangerous objects were wildly
pointed into the air.
Today they would be allies for there was a greater threat out there. A
dangerous evil that if left unchecked might spell doom for both races.
A creepy crawly menace. Tarantulas. Beige tarantulas (They're pink --
I tell you!).
Today they would join forces to fight this peril.
But only today.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Chuggernaut glanced a bored stare at his Weiner-National-Weiner Dogs and
gigantic Volleyball bikini clad women as they destroyed Net.ropolis and
manhandled all the heroes that tried to stop them. He took another swig
from his magical beer bottle.
"Are you people pussies!? Is there not one of you that can stop -- The
Chuggernaut!!!?" raged the Chuggernaut as he pumped both fists in the air.
And then he felt something hit his head. Like a brick. He turned his
head. And saw someone that he would definitely like to pound into oblivion.
"Hey, Boozy McBoozer! How about me?" said
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad with a not very sane grin on his face.
"You. Oh, yeah -- I remember you. [See LNHCP #44 -- Footnote Girl]"
The Chuggernaut then raised his magical beer bottle high in the sky.
All of the Weiner-National-Weiner Dogs, gigantic Volleyball bikini clad
women, and every other Beer Commercial Monstrosity was sucked back into
the beer bottle. And the Chuggernaut took another swig. His fist began
to crackle with beer commercial energy. "You want me to hit you? I can
do that. In fact I'm going to hit you so hard that your head is going
to fly out of the Solar System and your body -- well, that's going to go
all the way to China."
"Yeah, yeah. Promises, promises," said
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad just standing there with his hands
gesturing towards his chin.
"Right. You asked for it." And Chuggernaut pulled his fist as far as
it would go back.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
1945 AD--
The LNHHQ, Net.ropolis --
As the Grin with the Gun, Net.ropolis's Greatest Champion, went over to
pick up the morning newspaper; he caught a glimpse of some strange man
in a labcoat that crackled with some blue energy that seemed to erase
the reality of the world it touched.
"Hey there!" said Boy Lad pulling out his gun. "Can I help you?"
A wicked smile emerged from the strangers face. "No, thank you. I'm
pretty sure I can destroy the LNH without any aid from you." The
stranger than gave a wave as the blue energy caused him to vanish
completely.
"How peculiar!" said a slightly disturbed Boy Lad disappointed because
he couldn't use his gun. "Should put those labcoat types in a
internment camp or something!" And then he looked at his watch. "Oh!
Got to make the trains run on time!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
1950s
1960s
1970s
1980s
Dr. Killfile watched time race towards the future in the Killfile Zone.
Spring became Summer became Fall became Winter. Cold War Paranoia
became Beatniks became Hippies became Disco Dancers became Punk Rockers
became Break Dancers.
1990s
As he came to the 1990s, he slowed the Killfile Zone's ascent to the
future with a mere flick of the wrist.
1992 --
Here's where his war with the LNH began. He was so young and stupid
back then. He didn't realize his full potential. And he had paid for
that stupidity by becoming a vegetable. He saw a brief flash of Beige
as he passed the summer of '92.
1993 --
And this was the year he died.
1994 --
And this was the year he was reborn. And where his plan -- his final
plan had begun.
1998 -- His glorious return and the beginning of his work. Placing all
of the dominoes for their eventual fall.
2000s
2000 --
He saw a front page of the Mid.Net Star that had somehow gotten caught
in his Killfile time field. The headline read 'George W Bush Wins
Election!' There was a brief flicker and the name 'Hex Luthor' replaced
'George W Bush'. Killfile ripped the annoying paper from his time field
and dropped it on 2002.
2006 --
This was the year of a minor setback to his ultimate plan. But
ultimately it was a trivial delay. At this point in time he hadn't yet
learned his full potential.
But now he could do almost anything with his killfile powers. With a
slight gesture of his hands or fingers, time and space were his to
command. He could manipulate the bonds of atoms with his killfile
energy. He could erase gravity's hold. He could make the entire
magnetic field of the Loonivearth disappear if he willed it. He could
make himself invisible to all senses. And he could read anyone's
thoughts with his killfile energy. Not that he cared what anyone thought.
He could do anything he wanted with his killfile energy. But he only
wanted to do one thing with it. Just one thing. End the LNH. End the
LNH forever. That's all he cared about. Everything else was meaningless.
And as he slowed down the Killfile Zone a bit more, he could feel the
end. Somehow he could feel the LNH's end. And it felt very good. He
was getting close to 2012. The year the LNH would die once and for all
at his hands.
2007 --
Strange, thought Killfile as he hit the month of April. This April
seemed to be going on forever. Killfile looked at his watch. Something
was wrong here. But before he could investigate it became May, June,
July -- and everything went back to normal.
Except the Killfile Zone was starting to slow down against his wishes.
2008 --
Killfile willed more power, but it kept slowing down. And then the
color of the world drained away -- and everything became beige.
What the hell was wrong? He wanted to go to 2012 not 2008. Was it
possible that there was some force even more powerful than him
preventing him from getting there? He would have to investigate this.
As he hit April 2008, he could feel time sliding on the brakes. Some
battle was happening. What was going on here?
And right as he entered the present time stream, he saw something flying
right at him.
It was a fist. A big fist. A really, really big fist.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Both the Chuggernaut and You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad watched
Dr. Killfile hit the ground like a sack of flour soaked in killfile energy.
The Chuggernaut looked at his fist singed by killfile energy. And then
he looked at the unconscious form of Dr. Killfile and then he looked at
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad. "Ah, screw this. Going to find
myself a bar." And with that said the Chuggernaut stomped off to find a
bar.
And out of the bushes leaped the binge-drinking dynamo -- Frat Boy!
"Hah! Did you see that? I used my powers to make Chuggernaut's desire
to drink beer more than his desire to kick your ass. No need to thank
me. Just doing my job."
"Thank you?" said You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad. "Thank you!!!?
I wanted him to hit me. I wanted that to happen!!!!"
"You're a strange one, YNHMHE Lad." And then Frat Boy looked at the
unconscious body crackling with killfile energy. "Hey, is that Dr.
Killfile on the ground? It kind of looks like him."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
And time and space twisted and cracked as something emerged from the
sky. It was Dev-Null the renegade. One of the three last Qwertians in
the Looniverse. The LNH had left him stranded in the past on his long
dead home world, but fortunately for him he had acquired one of their
time machines and reworked it to get back to his own present time. He
had also reworked it so that it could fly and create a force field
around him. As well as blast away at whatever threats there were.
And he took out a bag filled with colorful sparkling dice. 665 LNH
dice. "I'm back LNH. I thought about just going to the Dvorakian
Empire and wiping them out first, but I should probably be here to
hammer the final nail in your coffin. Enjoy!"
He scooped out some dice and started throwing them in the air as he flew
over the battlefield. When the last die fell, he took out a device and
turned it on. The device emitted a sound wave that caused the dice to
change back into the various imprisoned god like beings and apocalypse
beasts that they had been before Bart had changed them.
An apocalypse beast that looked like a cross between a humpback whale,
hummingbird, and bidet thanked Dev-Null for this act of kindness by
swallowing him up whole without chewing him.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
End of Part IPart II
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The old grizzled cowpoke swaggered over the battle torn LNHHQ front
lawn. His hands were itching to fill any sorry soul with lead that got
in the way. But there was only one sorry soul that he really cared
about enough to snuff out.
His eyes scanned the field. There. His great enemy. He took a shot
just to get the varmint's attention.
The California Kid turned his head. "Dude, you totally messed my hair."
And then he noticed who had shot him. "Dude! You're like dead or
something."
The old man spit something on the ground. Something black and
disgusting. "Yep, I was dead -- but I've been dead many, many times
before. And every time someone kills me, I rise from the ashes. Rise
from the ashes like the state capital of Arizona. You know what that
is, Californian?"
"Like Lake Havasu City or something ungnarly like that?"
"Lake Havasu City [*]? It's called Lake Havasu!! There is no City in
its name you stupid Californian!! And the capital of Arizona is..."
But before he could give an explanation a crazy guy with a knife stabbed
him to death.
"Knife Fight Duel!! Knife Fight Duel!!" shouted Knife Fight Dude as he
stabbed the already dead Arizona Kid a few more times.
"Dude!!" shouted the California Kid. "You totally killed my greatest
arch-bummer!! Again!! Not cool, Dude."
Knife Fight Dude looked slightly embarrassed. "Ah, yeah. Sorry about
that. I think I might have a problem. I think I might have," he paused
with a pained look on his face and then continued, "A knife fight duel
addiction. I should probably get help."
"Yeah, maybe you should, dude."
[* -- Actually there is a city called Lake Havasu City in Arizona --
Footnote Girl]
**** <<--BM-->> ****
And as Building Suspense Lad tumbled towards the ground, at the very
last possible second he was caught by fuzzy ambiguous arms.
"Hey dummy!" said Fuzzy. "Try using your LNH Flight Ring -- why don't
you!!"
"LNH Flight Ring?" asked a puzzled Building Suspense Lad.
"That thing on your right hand!!"
"Oh? This? I thought that was something for decorative purposes."
Fuzzy shook her head. "Newbies," she muttered to herself.
"How about we grab a bite after this?"
"A bite? Are you seriously asking me out on a date? Do you see what's
happening around us? It's the friggin' end of the world!!"
"So is that a yes -- a no?"
"Look kid, I'm old enough to be your -- umm -- older sister." And then
Fuzzy paused and looked at the insanity surrounding her. "Oh, what the
hell. If we survive all this -- then yeah, sure. If we survive! And
I'm picking the restaurant -- and the movie! And you're paying for
everything! And oh, yeah -- we're going to have some kind of sex
because dammit if I'm going on some stupid date I better get some kind
of sex out of it! That's non-negotiable! Understand? You're okay with
all of that?"
"Umm, yeah sure!"
"Alright then. It's a damn date then -- assuming we're still alive
tonight!"
"Okay! When should I pick you up?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
It was some kind of monster that seemed to be made up of pages. Pages
filled with LNH stories. And it was tearing its way through the streets
of Net.ropolis destroying everything in its path.
"What is that thing?" asked Retcon Lad.
"Let me check!" said Fourth Wall Lass as she moved above the constraints
of the story she was in so she could read its text. As she skimmed
through Beige Midnight #9 she got to the part she was in and began to
read closer. The monster was some beast known as the Fourth Wallower.
A beast that had formed in the cracks of the Fourth Wall and was made up
of various LNH stories. And every time someone broke the Fourth Wall,
it became more and more powerful. Broke the Fourth Wall! Nothing about
any weaknesses, she noticed reading further. Have to go back, she
thought even though she knew she'd cause even further damage to the
Fourth Wall doing just that.
"Terri! It's gotten more powerful!" said Retcon Lad. "What is this thing?"
"It's called the Fourth Wallower," explained Fourth Wall Lass. "And
every time someone breaks the Fourth Wall -- it gets more and more
powerful. I didn't see any weaknesses."
"Maybe if I try retconning..." said Retcon Lad.
"No!" said Kid Not Appearing In Any Beige Midnight Story. "Yours and
Limp Asparagus Lad's powers by their very nature involve breaking the
Fourth Wall. You'll only be making it harder to stop. I've got to take
it on by myself!"
"Hmm," said Limp Asparagus Lad in a very bland toneless voice, "What you
say is true. However, since we are in Beige Midnight you shouldn't
actually be in this miniseries -- should you?"
"Oh, right," said Kid Not Appearing In Any Beige Midnight Story. And
then he passed out from Beige Midnight poisoning.
"Umm, Limpy," said Retcon Lad. "Couldn't you have waited till *after*
he had defeated the Fourth Wallower before telling him that?"
"Hmm. Good point," nodded Limp Asparagus Lad.
"Fourth Wallower Even More Powerful!!!!" shouted the Fourth Wallower.
"Guys. We really need to stop breaking the Fourth Wall," said Fourth
Wall Lass.
"Hmm. Of course saying the words 'Fourth Wall' could technically count
as breaking the Fourth Wall. Especially if you had the word breaking
next to them," pointed out Limp Asparagus Lad.
"Fourth Wallower Even More Powerful!!!!" shouted the Fourth Wallower.
"Right," said Retcon Lad. "No more saying the words, 'Fourth Wall'. No
one say, 'Fourth Wall'. Just don't say it."
The three heroes paused for a while as the Fourth Wallower continued to
throw cars around the street and smash store windows.
"Boy," said Retcon Lad. "Not breaking the Fourth Wall is a lot harder
than it seems. We should probably switch villains with somebody else."
"Fourth Wallower Even More Powerful!!!!" shouted the Fourth Wallower.
"Yes, definitely," said Fourth Wall Lass dodging a flying car.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"I tell you Mind-O -- these End-of-the-World-Ragnarok Mixers are the
best place to pick up chicks!" said Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law
swigging the beer he had. "I can't even tell you how much tail I got
back during that whole Bride of Cthulhu kegger! It would boggle your
mind! Yeah, there's something about the world ending that causes
women's baby making hormones to totally explode. And you just say the
word and they'll totally spread their legs!" Color-Error Man's
Brother-in-Law took another swig. "That's just science, man!"
MIND-O-Saurus slightly rolled his eyes a bit. "Aren't you married to
someone?"
"Oh, you mean Donna? Yeah -- but she's okay with it -- as long as she
doesn't find out about it. If she finds out about -- well, she gets
really pissed. So, you know -- don't tell her anything about it. Okay?"
"We're here to destroy the LNH. Not pick up on women!"
"Hey, man! Who says we can't do both!? Speaking of which..." said
Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law spotting himself a female LNH'r.
"Watch the Maestro go to work!" Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law
spritzed something in his mouth.
Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law walked over to the LNH'r and started
chatting with her. "Hey, babe. Have you ever met an astronaut? Well,
then this is your lucky day -- because I'm an astronaut. Yep. And you
want to know what my next mission is? I'll tell you -- my next mission
is -- to explore -- Uranus. Get it? Explore Ur-Anus! Yeah, I want to
explore -- Ur-Anus! Tell you what -- lets go to a hotel and I'll
explain that whole Uranus line a bit..."
The LNH'r shook her head and then she started to speak. "SORRY! I'D
RATHER NOT. YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY JUST ANOTHER SLEAZY SUPERVILLAIN AND NOT
AN ASTRONAUT -- AND YES -- I DO GET THE URANUS LINE PERFECTLY WELL. AND
ALSO THAT RING ON YOUR FINGER SUGGESTS YOU'RE MARRIED TO SOMEONE -- POOR
WOMEN WHOEVER SHE IS! OH AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR EARDRUMS HAVE BURST DO
TO MY SHOUTING AND YOU'VE LOST YOUR BALANCE! SORRY ABOUT THAT!! OH AND
YOU'VE ALSO PASSED OUT, IT SEEMS -- SO THERE'S PROBABLY NO POINT IN
CONTINUING THIS CONVERSATION!"
And Sister-SHOUT-the-Obvious looked at the two passed out supervillains.
"HMM! THAT BEING SAID, IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD! AND I CAN'T BE
TOO PICKY! I WONDER IF THAT WEIRD LOOKING DINOSAUR CREATURE IS SINGLE!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
He was a man in a bear costume. He had a vest and belt and attached to
them were spools of thread. And he could feel something tugging him.
Something tugging him across this massive superhero and supervillain
battlefield. Something that felt like Destiny.
And he could also see another being tugged. Being tugged towards him.
It was the Wicked One. A despicable degenerate creature that had killed
thousands upon thousands of bears. It was The Bear Killer. Strangely
enough the beast looked very human. It wore some costume that looked
like it had been pieced together by various bear body parts.
Thread Bear roared with anger. "BEAR KILLER!!!! Your time has come to
an END!!!!"
The Bear Killer laughed an evil laugh. "So, you're the so called
'Thread Bear'! Yes, maybe you will end me, but I shall end you too! So
is our fate!"
"Yes," nodded Thread Bear solemnly. "So is our fate. Then shall we begin?"
"Yes, Thread Bear," said the Bear Killer with a savage expression on his
face. "We shall..." And then pain filled the Bear Killer's face. A
very horrible pain. "Ow! OWWW!!!!"
"What is wrong, Bear Killer?"
"My back! It's been killing me all this week! I thought it was getting
better today, but -- oh..."
"Ouch! I had a problem with my back like a month ago. Well, then. We
should probably put off this battle till you've gotten your back checked."
"Oh, it's nothing..."
"No, I insist!"
"Really? That's awfully kind of you. How about we do this -- in oh say
a month from now?"
Thread Bear shook his head. "Got a thing going. How about a year from
now?'
The Bear Killer shook his head. "Nope. Won't do. I've got something
going too. Two Years?"
Thread Bear shook his head. "How about Five Years?"
"No. Oh, I know! How about Ten Years from now?"
"Hmm," said Thread Bear thumbing through his schedule planner. "I think
that could actually work. Yeah! Let's do that. Ten Years from now!"
"Then Ten Years from now, Thread Bear. We shall dance in each other's
blood! So it is written!!"
"So it is written!!" roared Thread Bear. "Oh, and here's a card for
back specialist I know. He's a miracle worker."
"Thanks," said the Bear Killer who took the card and then disappeared
into the raging battle.
Thread Bear looked at his watch. "Hmm. Looks like it's about quitting
time!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
And there were four of them. The first one was a blonde haired women
with swastikas tattooed all over her whole body. She wore a leather SS
outfit and she wielded a black whip. Her name was Hitlerinna Hitlerella.
The second one was a man with scabs and scars all over his face. He was
sensitive sort and cried all of the time. Tears of Blood. His name was
Fester O'Crying. His weapon of choice was a chainsaw.
The third one looked like an average going guy. He was just doing this
for the money. Hey, times were tough. A dog eat dog world. And
sometimes you had to kill people to pay the bills. His name was Dewey S
Job. He had a gun.
And the last one? His name was Dead. Dead the Receptionist.
All four were members of the Legion of Net.Freedom Lovers receptionist
staff. And now they were here to put to rest the LNH receptionist staff.
As they entered the LNHHQ lobby, they saw three people manning the
receptionist desk. Kyoko Ishikawa, who had two sharpened pencils in her
hand. Lester O'Brien, who had a hot pot of coffee. And finally Fred.
Fred the Receptionist. Who had a gun.
"Could you explain to me why you're the only one of us that has a gun?"
asked Kyoko.
"Hey, I'm not writing this story!" said Fred.
"Your outnumbered, LNH Receptionists!" cried Fester O'Crying. "There's
only three of you."
Fred cursed Bart silently. You should be here with us Bart. Damn you.
"Hey, I just want you people to know -- I have nothing against you
guys," said Dewey S Job. "Just paying the bills. Nothing personal!"
"Shut up, weakling!" said Hitlerinna Hitlerella cracking her whip.
"This is the beginning of the Master Race -- The Master Receptionist
Race!!!!" Hitlerinna cackled with glee.
"Faith and Begorrah!" said Lester O'Brien.
And Dead the Receptionist? Dead the Receptionist said nothing. He
watched and waited.
"Kyoko! Lester! Let's show these bums what we're made of!" said Fred.
"That's easy for the guy who has the gun to say," muttered Kyoko as she
clenched her sharpened pencils in her hands.
Hitlerinna laughed. "You three are finished. You three are..." Before
she could finish that thought though a car going at insane speeds
crashed right through the sliding glass doors of the LNHHQ and plowed
over three of the LNFL receptionists. Dewey S Job who managed to not
get hit dropped his gun and started to run for it only to be stopped by
a pencil that Kyoko threw into his leg.
Fred looked at the damage. Both Hitlerinna and Fester were bad off, but
they would probably live. Dead the Receptionist however -- was dead.
"Who?" asked Kyoko. "Who was it driving?"
"There's only one man I know who can drive like that," said Lester O'Brien.
Fred nodded. "Yes. Buddy. Buddy the Hard-Drinking-Liquored-Up LNH
Receptionist! He saved us with his drunk driving abilities."
"God bless him," said Lester.
"Oh right. Him," nodded Kyoko. "I remember that. Ultimate Ninja fired
him in less than a day. I had to take over his shift." She looked at
Buddy's face. It was leaning on the car's air bag. There was something
dripping off of his face. Something red. "He's not -- he's not...?"
Lester sniffed the air. "Nope. That's definitely Bloody Mary cocktail
mix if I ever smelled it."
There was a goofy grin on Buddy's face. And then Buddy the
Hard-Drinking-Liquored-Up LNH Receptionist passed out.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
They were babies. Babies with superpowers from another Looniverse. An
evil Looniverse. There was Pocket Baby. Organic Baby. Baby Yell.
Lurking Baby. Baby Anarky. Lost Cause Baby. And Baby Continuity Champ.
"Ooh! They're adorable! Just adorable!" said Catalyst Lass as the evil
LNH babies crawled closer. "I mean, yes -- I know they're supposedly
evil LNH babies, but really! I'm sure all they need is a loving
nurturing family to raise them and they'd all grow up to be decent
caring superheroes. That's what they need!"
"Umm. Cat? Maybe we should..." Cannon Fodder started to say, but was
interrupted by Baby Continuity Champ flying right through his body.
"Oh! Ouch!" said a wincing Catalyst Lass. "Okay. That's -- that's not
so cute or adorable. No. Killing Cannon Fodder is wrong! Naughty,
naughty behavior!" Catalyst Lass waved her fingers in a stern manner.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
There were lizard beasts, demon bikers, robot cowboys, revampire
werewolves, cyborg mimes, cannibal televangelists, space pirate bankers,
and other assorted creatures from peoples nightmares. And they were all
taking a break at the moment while they did various perverse things with
various hero corpses.
And Bad Judgment Boy cleared his throat. "*Ahem*. Hey! Hey, you
pussies! You cowards! You sissy men and lipstick lesbians!! Yeah
you!!" The various monstrosities turned their heads and looked at Bad
Judgment Boy. "I just wanted you all to know that I just had loads and
loads of sex with your moms, sisters, girlfriends, wives, daughters, and
aunts!! And oh yeah -- your fathers, brothers, husbands, boyfriends,
sons, and uncles and too!!! And now they're all pregnant and have
horrible STDs!! And I only paid them a nickel! Yeah! A nickel!! And
that was probably 5 cents too much at that!! Yeah!! And now I'm going
to kick all of your cry baby asses with my vast knowledge of Karate!!
Yeah!! Kay-Rot-Aye!! But because I'm so badass I'll be doing it
blindfolded and hopping on one foot!! Yeah!!" Bad Judgment Boy then
took a blindfold he had and put it on while the various blood soaked
villains watched. And then he started to hop on one foot. "Okay!! I'm
ready!! Ready to kick all of your asses!!! Let's get this Ass Kicking
Started!!!"
And with that said all of the lizard beasts, demon bikers, robot
cowboys, revampire werewolves, cyborg mimes, cannibal televangelists,
space pirate bankers, and other assorted creatures from peoples
nightmares began breaking bottles, starting their chainsaws, and other
gruesome weapons so they could completely tear to pieces this stupid
moron. And then someone shouted, "Kill Him!!!!"
And the blindfolded Bad Judgment Boy began flailing his arms and hands.
He could hear various bodies being thrown to the ground. Damn he was
good! He wasn't even hitting anyone and they were falling. After
awhile he couldn't hear anyone attacking him. He paused his flailing
and took a peak out of his blindfold. Damn! Every single one of them
was bound and gagged!
"Damn," said Bad Judgment Boy. "I am the best!" And then Bad Judgment
Boy pumped his fist in the air. Time to celebrate! Maybe he'd have sex
with a goat, while someone took pictures of it and he could use that for
his Christmas Cards photo. Yeah! Great idea!
Bad Judgment Boy didn't bother to read any of the post-it notes that
were attached to all 13,000 bad guys.
+------------------------------------------------+
| |
| Dear LNHers, |
| |
| Hope this helps some. Wish I could do |
| more. Alas, there are billions of crimes |
| being committed as I write these words in my |
| own home Altiverse so I must get back there. |
| I wish you luck though. May good triumph |
| over evil... and all that jazz! |
| Oh! And that Mr. Paprika soft drink? It |
| is a Man's pop, isn't it! |
| And oh yes! You should probably keep that |
| Bad Judgment Boy fellow away from sharp |
| objects! |
| |
| Best Regards, |
| Superguy |
| |
+------------------------------------------------+
**** <<--BM-->> ****
LNHHQ Sub-Sub Basement 58.5 --
And as Occultism Kid prepared to put on the Ring of Retconn, he felt a
sharp jolt. It was from the Cosmic Plot Device. He could feel a deep
hatred emit from the Cosmic Plot Device. It didn't want anything to do
with the Ring of Retconn. And the Ring felt likewise. It didn't really
matter to Occultism Kid though. He didn't really care about whatever
history or whatever caused this hatred. He had much bigger things to
worry about.
As he slipped the Ring on, he felt another rush of power overwhelm him.
He watched as the various Trenchcoater circles that surrounded him
absorbed part of the Ring's power like a sponge. And he watched as the
various Trenchcoaters convulsed and shivered as the power passed through
them. And then he felt a huge pain. And he looked down. Blood was
oozing and dripping down on the pentagram. This was bad. This was very
bad. It must have been the power surge caused by putting on the Ring.
It must have caused Lady 58.5 to temporarily lose control over whatever
spell she had used to pause the wounds bleeding. And now it was really
bleeding. And the blood drops were already interfering with the spell.
He had to do something quickly or he was going to pass out from blood
loss. He had to retcon the wound away.
And so he focused the Ring's power on the wound. And it was never
there. It had never been there. He had never been stabbed by that
acolyte of the Bryttle Brothers. Everything was perfectly fine now. It
had always been fine.
And then he heard a cackling sound. It was that annoying invisible
force in the room that was messing with the juke box and light switches.
Why was it laughing?
Occultism Kid ignored the laughing force and focused his mind on the
still sleeping forms of the Bryttle Brothers. No. Still not enough
power. Occultism Kid sighed. He was going to have to put on the
Insanity Gauntlet. He had no choice now. And then a notion popped into
his head. What if. What if he hadn't used the ring to heal his wound?
Would he have had enough power to stop the Bryttles? Was that why the
invisible force was laughing? Was Occultism Kid's choice to save his
own life something that he'd eventually regret? Was he supposed to
sacrifice his own life to stop the Bryttles? And now that he had failed
to do that he would have to sacrifice others to ultimately end the Dekay
and Diskolor?
It was pointless to speculate. He couldn't retcon his retcon. He would
have to live with his choice. He would have to wear the Insanity Gauntlet.
And the Invisible Force continued to laugh. And Occultism Kid felt a
great anger in him. He would destroy that thing. How dare it laugh at him!
He scanned the room using his cosmic devices. Nothing. There was
nothing! Could this being be so powerful that it could hide its
presence from the Cosmic Plot Device and Ring of Retconn?
It didn't matter. Maybe it could hide from the Cosmic Plot Device and
Ring of Retconn, but it couldn't hide from the Insanity Gauntlet.
No. He'd find it and destroy it. And he'd watch it scream.
His hand reached for the Gauntlet. But before he could put it on, the
Crossover Gem suddenly burst a huge beam towards the ceiling and beyond
that.
What the hell, thought Occultism Kid as the beam grew brighter.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Above the LNHHQ's Front Lawn --
The Crossover Queen smiled. She could feel the power of the Crossover
Gem start to absorb into her body. The Gem was somewhere close. She
could taste it. Her various H'yyydde'uzzian sources said it was located
in one of the sub-sub basements of the LNHHQ. Finally, it would be hers
again. And once she got it (and whatever other baubles that were
located there) she'd have the power to rule the Looniverse once again
and bring about the Ultimate Crossover to End All Crossovers.
Still, there were tons of superheroes that would probably try to stop
her. She'd have to do something about them. Yes, she would.
Her hand began to crackle with the Crossover energy she had taken from
the gem and she focused that energy on the ground below.
"Come back Crossovers of old! Come back the Finished and the
Unfinished!! Come back my children!! Come back and Destroy!!"
And various abominations and monstrosities began crawl out of the
ground. Beings made of retcons, flame, gibberish, pointless deaths, and
mutton.
The Personifications of Old, Dead Crossovers and Events began to rise.
First the Cosmic Plot Device Caper and then the rest. Electrocutioner's
Song. Robot Invasion. Bad Forms. Omaha Project. All Six Flame Wars.
The Century Pact. Mutton Mania. The Imagine Saxon's RACCies Family.
And countless others.
"Destroy!" said Crossover Queen pointing towards the LNHHQ. "Destroy
the LNH!!!" And they obeyed.
And somewhere on the ground Continuity Porn Star convulsed and spasmed
with ecstasy.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Free Pretzels!! Get your Free Pretzels!! All the Free Pretzels you
could possibly want -- And they're Free!!"
"Oh boy!" said a short green toad like creature in white boxer shorts.
A creature who liked to think of himself as the champion of the city of
Espayola (the citizens of Espayola thought otherwise). A creature known
to the world at large as -- The Slobbering Grue! He quickly hopped over
the dead bodies of heroes and villains to the free pretzel stand. "Free
things! Free Things! I like Free Things!" Which was true, although he
liked to steal things even more. "How many can I get for free?"
"You can have them all if you want!" explained the Free Pretzel Stand
Man. "They're all Free! You can eat every single one of them!!"
"Wow!!" said Slobbering Grue! "Every single one of them?"
"Yes," smiled the Free Pretzel Stand Man. "Every single one of them!
But you'll have to eat them quickly because they're only free for the
first 15 minutes! And then sadly you'll have to pay for them!!"
"Oh no!" gasped Slobbering Grue! "Say it ain't so!! Oh, well. Guess I
better start eating then?"
"Yes, that would probably be a good idea."
And Slobbering Grue began to gorge himself silly on free pretzels. He
stuffed pretzel upon pretzel as he raced to beat the Free Pretzel clock.
The Free Pretzel Stand Man looked at his watch as Slobbering Grue!
stuffed the last pretzel. "Amazing! You ate them all! In less than 15
minutes!"
"Oh man," groaned Slobbering Grue! who now had a great big tummy ache.
And his mouth was very dry. "Do you have anything free to drink? Boy,
I'm thirsty!"
"Sorry no," said the Free Pretzel Stand Man shaking his head. "All I
can give you is..." and he paused while pulling out a cross bow, "Is
Death!!!!!" And then he ripped off his mask to reveal himself as
The-Villain-That-Would-Have-Appeared-In-JONG-#7-If-The-Writer-Had-Bothered-to-Write-That-Far!
"Yes it's me, TVTWHAIJ7ITWHBTW-That-Far!! And now I can finally get
revenge on you, Slobbering Grue! And because of all those pretzels you
ate your Slobbering powers won't be able to save you now!! You're
Finished!! Muhahahhahahahahahahah!!!!!!!"
"Oh man!" said Slobbering Grue! snapping his fingers. "I really should
have seen that coming!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
It was a mish mash of cornfields, manacle grinned shades, Ultimate Mr.
Paprika Frisbees, broken bits of the Fifth Wall, and Omaha tourist
pamphlets. And it was making its way towards the LNHHQ to destroy the LNH.
"No," said a trenchcoated man looking up at the monstrosity. "We're not
dealing with this again. Tell me, we're not doing this again." He was
a man called Drifter.
==I'm afraid we are,== responded an eagle through telepathic means. The
eagle's name was Windrider.
"I mean -- how did we get here? We shouldn't be here! I feel strange.
Like I'm being completely written out of character. Like I'm..."
==Yes. We're both being written incredibly out of character. I'm
afraid there is only one answer, although you might not like it.==
"Just give it to me straight."
==We're robot duplicates of the real Drifter and Windrider.==
"Seriously? Well, I guess that explains my cravings for motor oil. So
what should we..."
==Look out!!== And the Windrider robot duplicate flew between the
Drifter robot duplicate and the Personification of the Omaha Project.
And the Personification of the Omaha Project grabbed the Windrider robot
duplicate and crushed it in its fist of cornfields.
"No!!!" screamed the Drifter robot duplicate as he whipped out two
machine guns and began firing at the Omaha Project. "Damn you, Omaha
Project!! Damn you to Hell!!!!!" But the bullets did no good against
the Omaha Project. And the Omaha Project grabbed the Drifter robot
duplicate and crushed him to death also.
"Hmm, I don't remember Drifter ever firing a machine gun," said
Easily-Discovered Man Lite entering the scene. "Or fighting in Matrix
Slo-mo."
"We should not jest," said Easily-Discovered Man with a hint of
disapproval. "Those robot duplicates gave their lives to protect us."
"Yeah, yeah," said Easily-Discovered Man Lite. "Look maybe we should be
fighting a villain that's a bit -- oh, I don't know -- easier to fight?
I mean I'm not even sure why I'm here. I'm pretty sure I was never
actually in the Omaha Project. That was I think Ubiquitous Boy or
something pretending to be me. At least that's the story I gave to
Continuity Champ -- and I'm sticking by it. Maybe we could fight the
Personification of Mutton Mania. Yeah, we could get some Mint Jelly and..."
"Look around you, Lite." Easily-Discovered Man swept his hand across
the horizon. "There are no easy battles left to fight."
Unfortunately, the Prof was probably right, thought Easily-Discovered
Man Lite. He looked everywhere around him. Heroes all around him were
being overwhelmed by the millions of villains that were swarming all
over them. It seemed almost impossible that the LNH could possibly win.
Only heroes like Kid Kirby, Captain Continuity, and Ultimate Ninja
seemed to make the impossible seem possible. He watched the Ultimate
Ninja slice the head off of the Mutton Mania Personification
effortlessly. Well, so much for that idea. He turned his head and saw
Pliable Lad and Tour Guide Girl racing towards him.
"Wow, Pli? Touri? Haven't seen you in a long time -- since the wedding
I think. What brings you..."
"Nope," said Pliable Lad ripping off his mask. "I'm actually Ubiquitous
Boy pretending to be Pliable Lad!"
"And I'm," said Tour Guide Girl ripping off her mask, "Actually
Ubiquitous Lass!"
"Umm, okay," said a baffled Easily-Discovered Man Lite. "And why are
you both pretending to be Pliable Lad and Tour Guide Girl?"
"This will all be revealed in Ubiquitous Force: The Beige Midnight
Tie-In!" said Ubiquitous Boy dodging a cornstalk from the Omaha Project.
"You know -- that's never going to be written," said Easily-Discovered
Man Lite. "You realize that, don't you?"
"Fine!" grumbled Ubiquitous Boy. "Then I guess we'll never know why me
and Ubiquitous Lass were disguised as Pliable Lad and Tour Guide Girl!!"
"You know -- we should probably be focusing on how to defeat this Omaha
Project monster. How did we do it last time -- I think it was Russ
Allbery who killed it. Anyone have his number? Hey, guys? Where did
you go?"
"Lite!" Easily-Discovered Man Lite felt himself getting pushed as he
heard Easily-Discovered Man cry out his name. He turned his head and
saw with horror as one of the Omaha Project cornstalks pierced through
the Prof's chest and watched his mentor fall to the ground.
"No," said Easily-Discovered Man Lite said in shock as he watched blood
gush out of Easily-Discovered Man's chest. "No, Prof. This isn't --
Oh, god!" He looked as various heroes fought with the Omaha Project.
Parking Karma Kid and the R-Men had joined the battle. "We've got to
get you out of here, Prof! Get you some medical help. I've got..."
Easily-Discovered Man shook his head. "It's okay. It's over. I can
see a -- Light."
"Quit talking like that, Prof. It's not over! We just need to find
Organic Lass or -- somebody -- and..." Easily-Discovered Man Lite began
to look around the battlefield. "We'll get you patched up. You're not
going to die. You're not going to die! We just need to..."
"It's okay." Easily-Discovered Man squeezed Easily-Discovered Man
Lite's hand. "I'm not your Easily-Discovered Man."
"What?"
"I'm from an alternate world. One where the LNH is a cruel team
responsible for many horrible acts. I was going to kill you. That was
my plan."
Lite looked at him. A guy who looked exactly like his Prof. "But you
didn't. You saved me. Why did you save me?"
"I..." said the Easily-Discovered Man from another world. "I don't know
-- I don't..." And then the alternate Easily-Discovered Man's eyes went
blank. He was dead.
Lite looked at the dead body of the alternate Easily-Discovered Man.
Well, that explains why he wasn't wearing those stupid gold cowboy
boots. Where was the Prof then? Was he okay? He looked at the various
heroes still fighting the Omaha Project. He watched the Omaha Project
kill the R-Men, Gelatin. Only it turned out that Gelatin was actually a
Dorfian Shapeshifter -- and not actually Gelatin. This was completely
insane. Was he the only real person here?
He watched the Omaha Project crush the villain billionaire, Pister
Maprika. Easily-Discovered Man Lite rushed over to the villain.
"You're Pister Maprika, right? Tell me that's who you are?"
The dying Pister Maprika shook his head. "No. Actually I'm a Pister
Maprika impersonator that the real Pister Maprika hired." And those
were the Pister Maprika impersonator's last words.
Easily-Discovered Man Lite realized then that he was the only one that
could possibly stop the Omaha Project. Otherwise it would continue to
mow down the various alien shapeshifters, robo-duplicates, and alternate
LNH'rs that got in its way. He was going to have to stop it. He looked
as the Omaha Project killed Parking Karma Kid (who also turned out to be
a Dorfian Shapeshifter). And then he saw something. It was tag on the
Omaha Project. It read, 'Pull to reveal as Hoax.' Pull to reveal as
Hoax. Was that it? Was that all it would take? Just pull some stupid tag?
Of course pulling the tag on some homicidal killing machine that had
already killed a number of alien shapeshifters, robo-duplicates, and
Alternate Looniverse LNH'rs sounded pretty dangerous. Something that
could get him killed. Maybe he should let some other hero handle this?
There was bound to be another real hero that would fight the Omaha
Project. There had to be, right? And then Lite noticed the woman with
the baby carriage. The Woman with the Baby Carriage!! Why in the world
would a woman be pushing her baby in the middle of a superhero/villain
brawl? Some people shouldn't be parents. Well, that does it. He had
no choice. He had to save them. And Lite rushed towards the Omaha
Project leaping on its back. As Lite reached for the tag, he felt a
huge amount of pain as one of the Omaha Project's cornstalks stabbed
into him. Oh hell. He pulled the tag. The Omaha Project
Personification ceased to exist.
And Easily-Discovered Man Lite fell to the ground. He looked at his
chest. And then he laughed as he saw sparks come out of his body. Of
course!
"Have to admit though, I thought the twist would be that I'd be one of
those
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation
Front guys," said the Easily-Discovered Man Liter robo-duplicate.
"No," said K.Oss tearing off his mask to reveal -- well you know,
"That's who I am."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
End of Part IIPart III
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Okay, here's what I'm thinking," said Master Blaster as he looked at
WikiBoy. "I know I can't use you as a Deus ex Machina because of that
stupid rule that some stupid Writer came up with about not using you as
a Deus ex Machina. But that being said I figure I could turn you into
something that could beat nearly every villain out there leaving a few
villains for yours truly to take down. What do think? Great idea or
Greatest Idea?"
"How about if I just shoot you?" said WikiBoy pointing a gun at Master
Blaster.
"Whoah there! Someone messing with your editing? You love Master
Blaster! You worship Master Blaster! You'd never hurt Master Blaster
ever! You'd love to have Master Blaster's babies and are horribly
depressed that that will never happen! Understand!?"
WikiBoy just laughed still pointing the gun at Master Blaster. "I'm not
WikiBoy, you moron. WikiBoy's been neutralized by others already. I'm
some one that wants you dead -- so much so that I got plastic surgery to
look like WikiBoy and even had this beaver tail surgically attached to
myself to look like him!"
"Man, how freakin' lame can you get?"
"Actually that's Frik N Lem! But you should know that since you stole
your catchphrase from my name!"
"Stole it? That's a laugh! Sounds more like you stole your name from
my catchphrase!"
"My parents named me this!!"
"Then they stole it from my catchphrase."
"How could they do that since they named me way before you came up with
your stupid catchphrase?"
"I dunno. Time travel I guess."
Frik N Lem shook his head. "It doesn't matter. You don't remember me,
do you?"
"Should I?"
"We went to high school together."
"Yeah? Not ringing any bells."
"Well, I remember. Oh, do I remember you. I wake up every night with
nightmares of what you did to me."
"Yeah? What did I do?"
"You remember prom night?"
"Vaguely."
"Do you remember this nerdy kid who was elected Prom King by everyone?"
"Really? I'm pretty sure I was Prom King."
"No, it was a nerdy kid. And it was your idea -- to pick the lamest kid
in school to be Prom King."
"If you say so."
"And you know what happened next?"
"What?"
"Right at the moment this nerdy kid was being crowned King right next to
the hottest girl in school who was being crowned Queen something
happened? You know what? You know what happened next? I'll tell you
what happened. There was a big bucket filled with pig's blood and right
as the hottest girl in school backed away the entire bucket spilled on
this nerdy kid. And then as if that insult was not huge enough -- you
know what happened? They pantsed the kid -- yeah they pantsed him --
right there! And to make matters worse -- they pantsed his underwear too!!"
"Oh Yeah! Hah! I remember that! That was pretty hilarious!!"
"Do you remember who that nerdy kid was? Do you!!?"
"I guess he was you?"
"Yes!! He was me!! That nerdy kid was me!!! And today is the day I
finally get revenge on you -- the ringleader -- for the most humiliating
experience in my entire life!!!"
"Hey, man. What can I say? I was just a stupid kid back then -- not
the paragon of maturity and sensitivity I am now days. Kids do stupid
things for fun when they're kids. And you have to admit -- it was
pretty funny. I remember everyone at the prom having a good laugh."
"I wasn't laughing!!!! I was covered in blood!! With no pants or
underwear!! I had to have years of therapy after that!!"
"I take it the therapy didn't do much good?"
"I wouldn't say that. No, it made me realize that I would never get
past that traumatic experience till I had gotten closure with every
single person who laughed at me at that prom. So I devoted my life to
getting rich and using that money to destroy all you bastards. I have
spent the last 15 years hunting and killing every student and faculty
member that was at that prom. And now you Rob -- or as you call
yourself now days -- Master Blaster -- you are the last one. The very
last one!!"
"Whoahh! Are you saying you've managed to kill every single one that
was at that prom? Wait! I'm remembering something! Say you're that
guy -- that guy that was killing all of my old classmates! That guy!
You're him!!"
**** <<--FLASHBACK-->> ****
1993 --
LNHHQ --
Two heroes in grunge style clothes sat in the LNH Cafeteria sipping
crystal clear Bolo Colas while the hit Shaquille O'Neal song '(I Know I
Got) Skillz' played away on the speakers.
Master Blaster flipped through the Mid.Net Star looking over the racier
pictures and then he spotted something. "Hey, Sarc! Some chick I went
to highschool with -- looks like she's dead. Damn. I remember doing
her a few times. She could do some incredible things with her tongue."
Master Blaster reflected about this. "And now she's dead. That's not
right. And this isn't the first one. There have been other classmates
that have died recently. It's like someone out there is killing old
classmates of mine. Someone has to stop this. Someone has got to
figure this out. Hey, I know! How about me? I'll find out who this
person is using my master detective skills. I'll figure this thing out!"
Sarcastic Lad snorted crystal clear Bolo Cola out of his nose. "Yeah,
that's going to happen."
"No, really. A steak dinner -- I bet you a steak dinner that I solve
this case. I'm going to totally solve this case someday -- and everyone
is going to bow down to my massive detective skills. I'll probably get
a medal or something too."
"I'm sure Deductive Logic Man is shaking in his booties at that
prospect, Rob."
"A steak dinner, Sarc. A steak dinner!"
**** <<--FLASHBACK-->> ****
15 years later...
"Hah, looks like Sarc owes me a steak dinner! Another case solved by
Dum-de-de-dum-dum -- Master "Detective" Blaster! I Got Skillz!" Master
Blaster did a little case solved dance.
"Case solved?" said Frik N Lem in disbelief. "You solved nothing! I
told you I did it! And for the past 15 years I've been killing every
single person who was at our prom! And I've killed everyone except for
you! And you were totally clueless! If I hadn't told you just now you
still wouldn't have clue! Solved?!"
"Mere technicalities," said Master Blaster pointing his BigGun TM at
Frik N Lem. "In my book this is a case solved. A case solved by --
Master "Detective" Blaster. So, you ready to surrender? Or am I going
to have to blast you away?"
"Blast me away? True, you do have a much bigger gun than I do. On the
other hand, I should tell you that I also used my vast money and
resources to give myself two super powers. Watch this!" And with the
blink of an eye, Master Blaster's BigGun TM shrank away into nothingness.
"What the hell?" said a confused Master Blaster. "Where's my gun?"
"It's become the size of an atom. I have the power to shrink any gun to
microscopic size."
"Yeah? That's a stupid power. I don't need my gun to defeat you
anyways. I've got master combat skills. I personally taught the
Ultimate Ninja everything he knows about fighting! You'd better just
give up now if you know what's good for you."
"Maybe. But I still haven't told you what my second power is. Go on --
ask me. Ask me what my second power is."
"Okay. I'll bite. What's your second power?"
"I can also shrink a certain male organ -- to microscopic sizes. Wanna
see?"
"Wait! Wait! Did I mention how really sorry I am about that whole pig
blood prom incident? Because I'm really, really, very, very sorry.
Very Sorry! Really!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
And the Ultimate Ninja stood over the dead body of Satan. He examined
the black cold shriveled heart in his hand. Satan's heart. He had
killed so many this day. Various galaxy eaters, apocalypse beasts,
Crossover Personifications (at least Four of the Flame Wars), The
Midgard Serpent, Net.hulhu, The Reanimated Corpse of Davy Crockett, Lord
MUD (Again!) [See Ultimate Ninja #11.5 For the First Time -- Footnote
Girl], two popcorn eating RACCelestials, and various other god like
beings -- like they were flies. And now Satan.
He looked at a scar that the Midgard Serpent had given him. He had
tried to suck out all of the venom, but there was still some swimming
inside him. Spreading throughout his body. He could hear the venom
speaking to his mind. It was telling him -- that it was his time
finally. That he had fought the good fight -- but it was time to lie
down. Time to finally rest. It was time for someone else to be -- The
Ultimate Ninja.
No, thought the Ultimate Ninja defiantly. He wasn't going to be brought
down like some wimpy Norse God. He might die today -- but if he did it
would be a very bloody and gruesome death.
And he looked and saw the moron that had caused this whole stupid
battle. There was Mynabird heading his way. The Ultimate Ninja dropped
Satan's heart on the ground and grabbed a Ninja Bush.
One more turkey to carve, thought the Ultimate Ninja.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Ah, ninja!" said Mynabird. The computerized image on his face lit a
smug smile. "Finally, we meet! Ah, but I guess I'm a bit too much for
you. You apparently need help to defeat me. I understand!"
The Ultimate Ninja could feel the shadows of Kid Kirby and Captain
Continuity touch the grass. He turned his head slightly and waved them
away. "I can handle this bozo by myself. Go and help someone..."
"Wait!" shouted Captain Continuity. "He's got something! He's..."
The Ultimate Ninja turned his head and watched something drop from
Mynabird's hand. Maybe if the venom weren't messing with his reflexes,
he could have stopped it. But he didn't -- he just watched it hit the
ground. And as it hit the ground it burst into a purplish tornado that
swallowed him and everyone close by inside it.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
>From: Mynabird <edmlitesux@lnfl.org>
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.creative,alt.comics.lnh
>Subject: LNH/ELSEWHIRL: What if Myabird had been so Bad Ass during
Beige Midnight that he had killed Ultimate Ninja, Captain Continuity,
and Kid Kirby without even trying?
This is a story about a mite. An ordinary god fearing patriotic mite.
A mite that never wanted to be a hero or save the world. A Bran Mite.
He just wanted a simple life. A house in a good Bran Flake
neighborhood, where he could he raise his kids and pay as low a tax rate
as possible. But fate, alas, would have other plans.
And it all began on the day he lost everything. When he lost the love
of his life. When he lost his world. When he lost everything to a
cowardly evil mad man.
The act of genocide that had murdered everyone he had ever known or
loved didn't kill him. It gave him powers and increased his life span
considerably. And made him easily-detectable. But these powers weren't
enough to drown the sorrow within him. In order to do that he would
have to destroy the monster that had killed Arachne and everyone else
that had ever mattered to him.
He spent the next 13 years of his new life with a human called George
Johnson plotting the destruction of the genocidal maniac known as
Easily-Discovered Man Lite. It was fruitless 13 years as George Johnson
was convinced that EDM Lite was actually Al Gore (this would turn out
not to be the case). During this 13 year period, the more
Easily-Discovered Bran Mite (which is what he would call himself for tax
reasons) discovered the full evil machinations of EDM Lites influence on
the world, the thought of ever defeating such a powerful villain became
distressing. EDM Lite's reach seemed to extend every part of the
government. He needed something more than these powers he was given.
His first break came with the death of his human friend, George Johnson.
George had belonged to some religious organization called the Church
of the Fourth Wall. It was during the funeral that he came into contact
with them. There was apparently some passage within one of the Church's
religious texts that spoke of him.
"...And the might that glows shall rise and
become the Mynabird. And he shall drown the
light..." -- Epilogues 58.5:12
And if this Church wanted to believe that he was this Mynabird, well,
who was he to argue? The Church bought a powered armor suit from some
source and gave it to him to aid in his quest to destroy EDM Lite. The
mite in his new guise as Mynabird recruited a number of EDM Lite enemies
and created a team called the Surreptitious Seven to help him finally
rid the world of this evil. They failed at that as the cowardly
Marxist-Nazi was hiding in some other dimension, but they did rescue a
number of unfairly trapped superbeings in the LNH's gulag.
And everything after that led to this day. This day when he would
finally destroy the Ultimate Evil and right all of the wrongs in the
world. This day when he would finally destroy Easily-Discovered Man Lite.
And he was so close. Three of EDM Lite's most powerful henchmen were
blocking his way. Kid Kirby. Captain Continuity. And the chief
henchmen -- The Ultimate Ninja.
The Ultimate Ninja threw one of his Ninja Bushes at him. And Mynabird
easily deflected with a swat of the hand.
"What the...?" said a shocked Ultimate Ninja, "That's impossible!" That
throw should have easily knocked off his head. Was the venom affecting
him that much?
"There's something wrong here," said Captain Continuity using his
Continuity vision to gaze into the story. "Ah, that's why. We're no
longer in Continuity."
"What are you talking about?" said the Ultimate Ninja throwing another
Ninja Bush, which Mynabird easily deflected too. Kid Kirby blasted a
cosmic beam at Mynabird, which seemed to do absolutely nothing except
make Mynabird even smugger.
"What he's talking about Ultimate Ninja," said Mynabird returning blasts
at Kid Kirby and the Ultimate Ninja, "Is that you're in a Elsewhirl. My
Elsewhirl! And I make the rules here!"
"The Elsewhirlyen Tornado Plant!" exclaimed Kid Kirby remembering some
arcane bit of knowledge he had learned a long time ago.
"Correct," nodded Mynabird yawning a bit at the ineffective attacks from
the Ultimate Ninja and Kid Kirby. "It was back during my ill-fated trip
to the Ultimate Blackhole. On the return back to the Loonivearth, the
assassin called Arthur E. L. Presence told me about this world that only
exists in Continuity during a few days of the year. Every other day of
year it's just an Elsewhirl."
"Elsewhirleden!" said Kid Kirby.
"Exactly," said Mynabird. "Fortunately, it existed within our
Continuity on the trip back and so I landed on it and obtained a few
seeds from the Elsewhirlyen Tornado Plant and inscripted a story within
one of those seeds. This story. The story all of us are inside right
this moment. This story where I kill all three of you."
The Ultimate Ninja made another ineffective attack and noticed that
Captain Continuity was convulsing. "What's wrong, Captain? Your head!"
Captain Continuity's head was now an itty bitty ant head on his normal
superhero body. "Yes. The Elsewhirl is warping me. Can feel different
elsewhirls trying to take over my past! Memories changing! In one
version I was raised by Jack the Ripper! And another I was raised by
Gandhi! And in another I was raised by ants!! Feel conflicted! Can't
decide whether to fight Mynabird with a hunger strike -- kill
prostitutes -- or go and collect leaves for my ant hill!!!" Captain
Continuity began to warp into even more strange versions of himself.
The Ultimate Ninja leaped at Mynabird. Mynabird blasted the ninja and
flung him down on the ground. "Well, we should probably end this now.
No point in delaying the inevitable, right?" Mynabird attacked Kid
Kirby with some beam that completely drained Kid Kirby's powers and then
blasted him into oblivion. And then he blasted Captain Continuity into
oblivion. And lastly he destroyed the Ultimate Ninja.
He looked at their dead bodies. "It's okay. You're not really dead.
This is just an Elsewhirl. When the Elsewhirlyen Tornado Plant ends its
life cycle a half hour or so from now, you'll be back in continuity --
and back alive. Of course by that time I'll have destroyed your LNH --
and had my revenge on Easily-Discovered Man Lite."
"You'll be alive. Wish I could say the same thing about the only one
who ever mattered to me." Mynabird paused for a moment as he thought
about Arachne. "But that actually happened."
And with that Mynabird exited out of the Elsewhirl and back into continuity.
**************
( ) "They drew first blood. Not me." -- Rambo
oOOOo
\( )/ Mynabird <edmlitesux@lnfl.org>
( )
/// \\\ If you hate Easily-Discovered Man Lite
please e-mail me! We can be friends!
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Deep in a bunker in Web.Surf.City --
The President looked at the strange salad he had been given. Carrots,
Lettuce, Artichoke Hearts, and a lot of Cabbage. And no dressing. He
hated cabbage! Where the hell was the Chef salad he had ordered?
The President, who had just a few days ago been Hex Luthor's Vice
President, sighed. He supposed it didn't really matter. He couldn't
really eat anything at a time like this.
According to his various advisors and news reports on TV, there was a
war going on in Net.ropolis. A war between the LNH and a vast army of
supervillains. And the odds weren't looking good that the LNH would
win. And that's why he was here. Deep in a bunker on the other side of
the Loonited States. He looked at the Nuclear Football that was on his
desk near the salad. He had a big choice to make. A very big choice.
The President looked at one of his advisors. "What's the situation now?"
"The war has been going on for about an hour. We estimate about 70
casualties on the LNH's side and 99,000 on the LNFL's side."
"So, that's good, right? That means the LNH is going to win?"
"No. Unfortunately, since we calculate the size of the LNFL as being 3
million and the LNH as being only 700 at the most -- if these numbers
keep going the way they're heading -- within nine hours the LNH will be
finished and there will still be 2 million or so members of the LNFL.
The odds of the LNH beating the LNFL are very unlikely at this point."
"Christ," said the President holding his hands near his mouth. "Can we
make a deal with this Mynabird? Some kind of arrangement? If it comes
to that?"
"It's difficult to say. He's too much of a wild card. There are some
members like Mr. Homage that we could probably deal with, but if the
LNFL wins we might not have much to bargain with because if the LNH
can't stop them-- then what can we do? I think we need to seriously
consider the nuclear option."
"You're talking about nuking Net.ropolis! There are millions of people
there! We can't do that! This is insane!"
The advisor nodded. "Yes, millions will die. But if we do nothing --
and the LNFL wins -- it could be much -- much worse. We could all
become slaves -- and billions of lives might be in jeopardy."
The President shook his head. "I need to think about this. Look if we
do this -- some will survive. What are those survivor superbeings going
to do?"
"We're hoping that the surviving LNH'rs will be able to stop the
surviving LNFL'rs."
The President laughed. "That's your hope? You don't expect them to
team up together to kill the people who were stupid enough to nuke them?
You don't think?"
"Even if they do that -- the number of superbeings will still be low
enough that we could handle them -- and stop them from taking over the
world. We do have a super team waiting by."
"Super team? Who?"
"They're called the -- Last Resorters! They're a team we use on only
impossible jobs. Their team leader is an ex-LNH'r who had philosophical
differences with the LNH."
"The Last Resorters? Why have I never heard of them?"
"It's all heavily classified, sir. Here's what you can know," the
advisor said handing over a folder.
"Are they good?"
"They have a 10% success rate."
"Only Ten Percent!"
"Actually since we only ever use them for missions that are completely
and utterly hopeless -- it's actually pretty good."
"I need a drink," said the President looking across the room. "Do we
have any liquor in this goddamn place?"
One of the advisors nodded, and went over to a cabinet and poured a
beige like drink into a glass.
The President downed the drink. Why did he have to make this decision?
It was going oh so well just a few weeks ago. Hex Luthor was the most
popular President ever. And then it all just went to hell. He wished
Hex were here. The guy was a horrible bastard, oh yes -- but he
excelled at these sort of decisions. Hex would have no problem killing
millions people. Hell, he'd probably do it with a grin. Where did that
bastard go to? Probably France or someplace like that.
He didn't want to make this decision. Whichever way he went, he'd sure
he'd regret it. He was going to have to pay for Hex's sins. "They're
going to crucify me for this."
"Not necessarily. We can blame the nuclear strike on terrorists. Maybe
invade some oil rich country like Iran. This could all turn out well
for us."
"Jesus," said the President shaking his head.
"Mr. President! We've just got word in -- Mynabird has just neutralized
Kid Kirby, Captain Continuity, and the Ultimate Ninja. It's just been
confirmed."
"Then that's it, isn't it? Without them the LNH really doesn't stand a
chance, does it?"
"I'm afraid it doesn't look good."
The President looked at the nuclear football. "How long before I need
to make a choice?"
"The sooner the better. Right now the war is pretty much contained in
Net.ropolis. But it could start spreading any minute."
"God. Well, guess we might as well get this over with. Okay. We'll do
it." The President looked at the Secretary of Defense who nodded and
took out a plastic card. The Secretary slid his code card into the
football. And then the President did likewise.
And silence filled the room. Everyone looked at the football and the
beige button on the football.
The President put his hand over the button. "We should probably pray."
And the President took one last look at the salad near the football.
Filled with shredded cabbage. Beige shredded cabbage.
Please, God. Forgive me.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
LNHHQ Sub-Sub Basement 58.5 --
Occultism Kid looked with rage at the Crossover Gem whose power was
beaming right into the ceiling. Who the hell was doing this? How were
they doing it? Was it that damn invisible force? He was going to
destroy it! He was going to...
++Calm yourself, young one.++
Someone in his mind. The August One.
++The Ring and Device feed on your emotions and desires -- and use them
to control you. You must calm yourself.++
Yes. Calm. Calm self. I need to be calm before I lose it completely.
August One. I'm sorry.
++Don't apologize. You need to be in control.++
It's hard. Have so much power. But -- can't do anything with it.
Don't know if I can handle the Insanity Gauntlet. Afraid.
++Yes. You should be. But you have no choice. You have taken this
path. And now you must keep going on it. For if you don't then all
this was for nothing.++
But what if this is all wrong? Maybe this is what the Bryttles want?
For me to put on the Gauntlet.
++You can't doubt yourself. You must be strong. You must be in
control. Only then can you beat the Bryttles.++
I guess. Okay. Thanks.
++Good luck, young one.++
Yeah, good luck. Occultism Kid focused his attention on the Gauntlet,
which was still bleeding power. Have to put it on.
The juke box changed its song. It was now playing, 'They're Coming To
Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!' by Napoleon XIV. Occultism Kid ignored the song
and grabbed the Gauntlet.
And then he took a deep breath. And he put it on.
There was a massive burst of colors that flashed across the room. And
when the flash cleared, Occultism Kid, The Cosmic Plot Device, The Ring
of Retconn, and the Book of Deus ex Machinas were gone. Vanished.
The only thing that was left was the Insanity Gauntlet. It landed with
a thud right in the middle of the pentagram made of Jello.
Kid Anarky looked at the Gauntlet and then at the Dvandom Stranger.
"Okay. Was that supposed to happen?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
And in the background, the Invisible Force silently switched all three
bombs back on and began to work on disabling the Peril Room safeties.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
As Mynabird entered back into Continuity, he looked at his watch. Damn!
The issue was almost over. Not enough time to kill Easily-Discovered
Man Lite in the proper gruesome manner that he had fantasized about.
Well, just have to wait till next issue. Next Issue! Yes, Lite! The
Next Issue!!! It will definitely happen!! Yes!!! Next Issue!!! I
promise!!!!!
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Occultism Kid opened his eyes. He looked down. He was wearing some
kind of straightjacket. He looked around. Where was he? Some kind of
mental hospital?
And then he saw a face that he recognized. Oh hell.
It was Bart. Bart the Dark Receptionist.
"Ah, finally. You made it. I was wondering if you'd ever get here."
Bart clapped his hands.
"Welcome," said Bart with a smile. "Welcome to my Final Trap."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
**** <<--BM-->> ****
NEXT: Ripping Dancer's Final FATE!
**** <<--BM-->> ****
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Credits:
Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins,
Martin Phipps, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...
Thanks to Andrew Perron and Martin Phipps for their comments and
corrections in the LNH Author's Group.
Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger"
Kogutt, used with permission...
Mynabird suit (Rob Rogers)
Mite (Arthur Spitzer)
LNH'rs
Always-Seems-Powerful-On-His-Own-But-Gets-His-Ass-Kicked-in-Crowd-Scenes
Boy - Marc Singer
Bad Judgment Boy - Arthur Spitzer
Boy Lad - David R Henry
Building Suspense Lad - Arthur Spitzer
California Kid - Dan'l Danehy-Oakes
Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Easily-Discovered Man and Lite - Rob Rogers
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Frat Boy - uplink
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Parking Karma Kid - Steve Simmons
Sarcastic Lad - Saint
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
Wikiboy - Tom Russell
Kid Kirby - Jameel Al Khavitz
Master Blaster - Martin Phipps & Rob Ramirez
Kid Anarky - Stephan Savoie
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
Fuzzy - Connie Hirsch
You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Lad
Retcon Lad - Saxon Brenton
Fourth Wall Lass - Saxon Brenton
Kid Not Appearing In Any Beige Midnight Story - Matt Rossi
Limp Asparagus Lad - Saxon Brenton & wReam
Sister-SHOUT-the-Obvious
Cannon Fodder - wReam
Comes-up-with-horrible-awful-names-for-LNH-subgroups Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Yet-Another-Character-with-an-incredibly-long-name-that-won't-amuse-Scott-Eiler-but-hey-it's-okay-since-he's-dead
Man - Arthur Spitzer
Her-Death-Would've-Been-More-Poignant-If-She-Had-Actually-Appeared-in-Something-Before-this-Issue
Lass - Arthur Spitzer
Dr. Can-Beat-Any-Supervillain-Except-for-Mynabird - Arthur Spitzer
Ubiquitous Boy - Rob Rogers
Ubiquitous Lass - Arthur Spitzer
LNH Receptionist staff -
Kyoko Ishikawa - Ken Schmidt
Lester O'Brien - Ken Schmidt
Fred - Ken Schmidt
Buddy the Hard-Drinking-Liquored-Up LNH Receptionist - Arthur Spitzer
LNFL:
Arizona Kid - Arthur Spitzer
The Bear Killer - Arthur Spitzer
Billy's Idolaters - Arthur Spitzer
Chuggernaut - Arthur Spitzer
Color-Error Man's Brother-in-Law - Arthur Spitzer
Continuity Porn Star - Arthur Spitzer
Crossover Queen - Drizzt
Dr. Get-On-With-the-Damn-Story - Arthur Spitzer
FIN FANFIC FOOM - Saxon Brenton
Fourth Wallower - Arthur Spitzer
Frik N Lem - Arthur Spitzer
Kaiser Krowd Zene - Arthur Spitzer
Looniversal Answering Machine - Russ Allbery
MIND-O-Saurus - Arthur Spitzer
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Slobbering Grue! - Arthur Spitzer
The-Villain-That-Would-Have-Appeared-In-JONG-#7-If-The-Writer-Had-Bothered-to-Write-That-Far
- Arthur Spitzer
Thread Bear - Timothy Toner
Well-Adjusted-And-Doesn't-Have-To-Dress-Up-Like-An-Animal-To-Deal-With-His-Crippling-Emotional-Pain
Guy - Saxon Brenton
wReamicus Maximus - wReam
LNFL Receptionist staff - Arthur Spitzer
Hitlerinna Hitlerella
Fester O'Crying
Dewey S Job
Dead the Receptionist
Trenchcoaters:
Dvandom Stranger - Dave Van Domelen
The August One - August Paul Yang
Others -
Bart the Dark Receptionist - Ken Schmidt
Dev-Null - Jim Cowling
Dr. Killfile - Steve Librande
J. Random Kiwi - Jaelle
Kirbybots - Jameel Al Khavitz
Kiwis - Ian Porell
Oozlefinches - Ted Brock
Superguy - Chris Wilcox
Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions - Tarq
Twitter - Rob Rogers
Characters that don't actually appear in this issue (but are being
impersonated by robo-duplicates, alien shapeshifters -- and so on...)
Drifter - David Anastasion
Windrider - Russ Allbery
Pliable Lad - Mike Escutia
Tour Guide Girl - Mike Escutia
R-Men - Chris Sypal
Pister Maprika - Arthur Spitzer
K.Oss - Stephan Savoie
Writer's Notes:
For those who are confused by this...
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Infinite_Leadership_Crisis
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/List_of_Infinite_Leadership_Crisis_Stories
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Countdown
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Midnight
Probably won't help.
Writer's Notes:
Another issue done. Three more to go.
When I was a kid my favorite superhero stories were the ones that had
tons of heroes and villains slugging it out and that's what I was going
for here.
It's not really the ideal Ragnarok tale as I can't really kill off
anyone who isn't my own character. Dev-Null isn't dead -- just
swallowed into a whale creature -- which I'm sure he'll survive. I see
Dev-Null as the Ultimate Survivor. No matter what horrible place you
put him -- he'll find a way out of it. Satan and Net.hulhu and the rest
of those god like beings that the Ultimate Ninja killed -- I'm sure
they'll be back too.
I'll try to get the next issue out before this year ends. Hopefully,
I'll have it finished by the end of November.
Arthur "Death to Beige Midnight..." Spitzer
