[Cover: Bart the Dark Receptionist throws a number of dice. The dice
have the faces of several LNH'rs. Behind him is a background of Stars
and Galaxies.]
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The place -- Ancient Qwerty.
The time --
B E I G E
M I D N I G H T
The number -- F I V E
The Writer -- Arthur Spitzer
**** <<--BM-->> ****
1,002,993 BC
Qwerty
A man from the heavens descended down. His feet touched the top of a
mountain. The highest mountain in Qwerty. The man wore a black spandex
suit with a red belt and boots. On his chest were two red cartoon
figures. One that sort of looked like a ninja holding a mug in his
hand. The other had a pot of coffee in his hand and was pouring the
coffee into the mug. The cartoon figure pouring the coffee had a very
evil grin on its face. A very dark evil grin. On one of the man's
hands was a gauntlet. A gauntlet laced with a straight jacket of gems.
The bright colors of the gems seemed to claw and bite away at the
sanity of Reality. Whispers and hyena laughter rang through the gems.
On his other hand was a ring. A ring that changed its shape when you
stopped paying attention to it. It was always made of bone. Of gold.
Of steel. Of plastic. Some times it had one 'N'. Sometimes two.
Sometimes more. The ring mocked the careful backstory every writer had
given it. It didn't care. It would keep changing. And changing.
This man had been a receptionist along time ago in the far, far future.
He had served coffee for the greatest heroes the Looniverse would ever
know. But that didn't satisfy him. He wanted more. So he sold his
soul for adventure and fortune. And now he was here. Standing on a
mountain. Looking down at the world. A world that was going to be his
in a thousand years.
He was powerful. How powerful? He opened up a pouch he had. He ran
his fingers through the contents and scooped some out. In the future
these objects would be called LNH dice. But there was something more
inside them. Gods. Apocalyptic Beats. Galaxy Eaters. All trapped
away in the dice. Pounding and pounding away at their plastic cages.
The 666 gods in the 666 dice. That's how powerful he was.
He looked around. Strangely, the sky was plaid. Flowers with purple
pickle mustaches sprouted out of the ground. And the moon -- The moon
looked like the head of Fred the Receptionist. Fred. He must be going
mad. It was the gauntlet with the gems. It was warping everything. He
should take it off. That would be the sane thing to do. He laughed.
Off in the distance he could hear two kangaroos playing away on banjos.
The kangaroos had been following him for a long time. He couldn't
shake them off.
Time to consult the oracles. He grabbed three pinkish dice cubes and
rolled them. Each one displayed a three. "I wish to talk with you," he
said to the dice. The Guest Star Gem on the Insanity Gauntlet shimmered.
The three dice shot out some holographic beam. And three sisters
emerged. They looked like little girls dressed in pink dresses.
"Sister..." said one.
"Sister..." said the second one.
"And Sister!" said the last one.
"ORACLES OF FATE AND DESTINY! WE KNOW ALL. WE SEE ALL. WE ANSWER
ALL!" And then all three looked at each other and giggled after saying
that.
"What do you wish to know, Mister Scary Coffee Pourer Guy?" said the first.
"The Mysteries of the Looniverse that can never be understood?" said the
second one.
"Or the Secrets that can never be revealed?" said the last one.
"I have three questions and if you answer them truly I'll free you from
your dice cages, Three Annoying Little Sisters. Is it deal?"
"Ask away," said the first.
Bart the Dark Receptionist paused a bit pondering what question he
should ask. Finally he replied, "Will I beat the LNH when they come here?"
"All the heroes that try to stop you will die trying. You will stand
over their bones with the heart of the Ultimate Ninja in your hand.
This will you do."
Bart laughed. "I like that. That's a good answer."
"Your second question?" asked the second one.
"I'll have to give it some thought, sorry." Bart snapped his fingers.
"Back to your cages." Bart put the three pink dice back into the pouch.
Now to find a terrible ruler for the next thousand years. He scrounged
around the pouch and pulled out a blue die. He threw it. It displayed
the number five. "I release you." The Guest Star Gem blazed. The die
became a blue bolt of lightning that raced towards the sky. The plaid
sky darkened and angry clouds formed. Rain started to fall. And wind
whipped at Bart trying to blow him off the mountain. And Bart laughed.
And laughed.
<\YOU!/> said a voice from the clouds.
</YOU DARE TRY AND CAGE ME!?/>
"Actually, I'm pretty sure I did."
<\DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU SPEAK TO LITTLE WIZARD?!\>
Bart nodded. "Yeah, you were some character from a series that didn't
get past issue one in the MISC Imprint. You some how managed to wander
from Character Limbo and found yourself in the Looniverse where you
managed to get trapped in the Ultimate Blackhole until I freed you and
turned you into an LNH dice. I believe you're called Hurrikhal."
</THAT IS NOT MY NAME! MY REAL NAME WOULD...\>
"Shred my mind. Sure. You're a little late though. My mind is already
coleslaw. Now let's talk about..."
<\No. Enough. Time for you to burn.\> A large blue lightning bolt
blazed from the sky and blasted at Bart.
"Oww. Mercy! That gave me a bad case of the tickles. Bet you can't do
this though." Bart blasted the Ring of Retconnn at the clouds. The
clouds became a cartoonish blue dragon balloon. Bart grabbed the
balloon by its string.
<\What have you done, wizard?!/> The cartoonish blue dragon had a
pained look on its face.
"Don't like it? Well, guess you need to start doing whatever I tell you
to because there are much -- much worse things I can and will do to you."
</What do you want?/>
"That's better. What do I want? I want you to rule this world. To
terrify this world. To judge and kill. But don't kill everyone. Leave
a million or so alive to slave away. Perhaps have them build temples
for you or something. Well that's your call. That's what I need you to
do. Can you do that?"
<\Yes. Change me back!\>
Bart blasted the ring at the balloon. The balloon changed into a bluish
dragon.
"Well, have fun. Bye." The dragon watched the man disappear. The
dragon looked down at the world. Someone was going to die. Blue
lightning started to crackle.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
A thousand years later...
A temple priest wearing a blue cloak chanted words as he held up his
sapphire dagger. Beneath him was a brown haired girl shackled with
black chains to a stone altar. A number of priests also in blue cloaks
surround the altar and chanted with the priest.
Hurrikhal lying on a smooth black throne watched all of this transpire.
And he yawned. This was all terribly boring. Another day -- another
sacrifice to him. He glanced at the girl. She wasn't even afraid. She
had a blissful look on her face as if her death would have some great
meaning. It wouldn't. No. It was all meaningless.
He had killed, tortured, and raped this world. And now it just bored
him. He was trapped here. Try as he might, he couldn't escape this
world. Every time he tried to leave, something stopped him. Something
dragged him back. He was a prisoner. No. It was all in his head.
Maybe he could try something different. Be merciful. Be kind to these
mortals. It would be different. Should he stop the priest from killing
the girl? As he pondered this, an arrow killed one of his priests. Oh,
some hero. He had killed so many of them. And now he'd have to kill
another. Yawn.
More arrows started to fly into the temple. And more priests fell to
the ground. Hurrikhal tapped his claws. Come on now. Get this over with.
Hurrikhal watched a man with a sword enter the temple. Hmm. There was
something familiar about the man. About the gem covered gauntlet he
wore. Who was this man? The man slashed at a few priests and then
looked at Hurrikhal. He smiled and raised his sword. And charged.
Hurrikhal's mouth crackled with lightning. But before he could spray
that lightning, the dragon felt a pain in his neck. And his head hit
the floor. His head. He couldn't feel the rest of his body. And
that's when he remembered who the man with the sword was. And then --
there was just blue. A forever blue. A deathly blue.
The man with the sword walked over to the girl and chopped off her
chains. She got up and looked at the dragon's head. "You killed him."
There was sadness in her eyes. "The Storm bringer. The Ocean Maker.
He who helped the crops grow. You killed him. You killed a god."
She walked over to the dragon's head and touched it. A tear fell from
her eye.
"Well, he was getting old." Bart walked over to the girl and touched
her shoulder. "Time for some new gods, don't you think?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"And King Qwert-El and his knights galloped across the land battling the
remaining forces of the evil Storm God called Hurrikhal. And where they
rode freedom followed. And these knights of his were called the Knights
of the Bart Table. There was Sir Continuity, the story keeper. Sir
Toony, the inventor. Sir Fearless, the bravest one. Sir Kirby, the
most powerful one," a Qwertian mother read by her son's bedside.
"I'm going to be one. A Knight of the Bart Table! I'll be the best
one!" said the son as he waved an imaginary sword.
"I'm sure you will," laughed the mother. "But you'll have to study hard
and eat all of your gruel if you want to be one. Now, me thinks it's
probably time to go to sleep, my sweet."
"But I want to hear the rest! I want to..."
The bedroom door slammed open. The father charged in. "They're here!"
His face was pale.
"Who? Who's here?!" said the mother with a concerned face.
"The L. The N. And the H! The sorcerous devils King Qwert-El warned
us would come! The fiendish beings that unleashed The Storm God on us.
I need to go fight." He looked at his son. "Until I return you will
be the man of the house. Understand?"
The son nodded.
"Good." He kissed his wife and son. "Protect your mother son. Protect
her!"
The son nodded. A tear fell from his eye.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
THE BART AGE PART I
'Playing Dice with the Looniverse'
**** <<--BM-->> ****
2008 --
Webster's World --
Webster's World was an artificial planet originally built for the
purpose of preserving knowledge of all the alien species that had ever
existed in the Looniverse. It was also a safe haven and neutral site
for various alien species gatherings discussing vital matters.
And today a council of important alien species was conferring about just
such a serious matter. A serious matter involving the Loonivearth system.
"The Beigeness is spreading. It has reached their planet called Jupiter
and its speed is accelerating." The alien being -- something that
looked like a cross between a giraffe, a jellyfish, and a taco --
pointed a tentacle at the 3D hologram of the Loonivearth's solar system
and the spreading sphere of Beigeness that was getting larger and
larger. "Our scientists predict that in a 89 garlac (one week) or so
the Beigeness will have reached the Wormhole Belt (789 boshfosh (30
light years away)) and once it does that it will use the Wormholes to
start spreading to other parts of the Looniverse." The 3D hologram
showed various Beige bubbles expanding as they leaked into the wormholes
all across the Looniverse. "We predict by about LSDT (Looniverse
Standard Date Time) -- 18J-989-PO3333 (April 29th, 2008 -- Midnight) the
entire Looniverse will be Beige." The Girafellytaco stepped off the
platform.
There was a moment of silence as all the alien races looked at the
totally Beige 3D hologram.
"Hey! I've got an idea. Let's blow it up! Blow up that entire damn
stinking system! Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!" said the Dorfian
representive, Killung Izphun, with froth dripping from his mouth as he
pounded a shoe on his table. And as if he hadn't said it enough times
already, he said it a few more time. "Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!"
"Thank you, Dorfian Representive. *Ahem*. We'll keep that in mind."
The Council Moderator, a being that looked like a Beach Blanket covered
in maple syrup with legs, looked around the room. "Does anyone have any
less destructive ideas?"
"Actually that whole destroying the Loonivearth system sounds pretty
good," said a representive of the iAlien race (a race of aliens whose
bodies can be used to download music off the internet). "Let's have a
vote!"
"*Ahem*," said the representive of The Christicanthinkupagoodname
Intergalactic Empire (a koala in a toga by the name of Pawsus Pi-Lot),
"I should remind the council that the system we're all talking about is
under the jurisdiction of The Christicanthinkupagoodname Intergalactic
Empire. Any act of aggression on it will be considered an act of war on
the Empire. Just so you know."
"Okay," said the Dorfian Representive Killung Izphun, "Who wants to go
to war with The Christicanthinkupagoodname Intergalactic Empire?!"
Almost every alien hand and tentacle in the auditorium shot up.
"I see," gulped Pawsus Pi-Lot, "Umm, could I consult with my Emperor for
a moment." The toga-clad koala took out his cell-phone. After a minute
of conversation, he clicked it off and faced the council again. "Hey!
Looks like we just gave the system we're talking about its freedom! So
if you want to destroy it, fine by us! We're cool. Right? Right?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Back on Loonivearth --
A number of innocent bystanders swatting at flies looked at the Beige
Sky. Words started to form on the sky.
Words that said:
"Hey Loonivearthlings!"
"You're Free!"
"Love, The Christicanthinkupagoodname Intergalactic Empire"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Back on Webster's World --
A giant cloaked figure abruptly appeared in the auditorium. The
figure's face was as pale as death and his eyes resembled skulls. The
intruder alarm started to beep and a number of security forces rushed
into the room. With a wave of a hand, a cloud released from his cloak
and swallowed all of the security forces sending them to God knows
where. Then the cloaked figure looked back at the frightened alien council.
Killung Izphun snorted with contempt. "I know who you are RACCtre. And
if you think you're going to stop us from destroying the Loonivearth..."
"No." The RACCtre shook his head. "I am not here to stop you. I am
here to warn you. If you destroy the Loonivearth System then you will
do that. But if you do there will be judgment. And there will be
punishment. And all your people will suffer for this. Your planets
will turn to dust. Your suns will become black holes. Murder the
Loonivearth and you make all of your Empires murderers and all your
people murderers. That is my warning."
"Bah!" replied the Dorfian. "If you're so powerful why haven't you
stopped the Bryttle Brothers yet?"
"While they have slain many, they have not taken the life of anyone on
rec.arts.comics.creative so I am unable to punish them. That being
said, the first murder they commit on this newsgroup will be their last.
That is my word. Do you understand?"
The council nodded their heads.
"Good. Remember my warning." With that said, the RACCtre disappeared
in a puff of smoke.
There was a minute of silence and then the Killung Izphun spoke again.
"Okay. How about this -- we wait till after the Bryttles kill the
RACCtre -- Then we blow up the Looniverse! Am I right, guys?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Back on the Loonivearth --
The LNHHQ --
Kid Kirby flew into Dr. Stomper's lab with a big red crystal in his
hands. "I would have arrived sooner Doctor, but was delayed in space
protecting a planet of sentient Hill Billy Wooly Mammoths -- or Hilly
Woolies as they call themselves! Two Banjos the size of Jupiter
threatened their entire Cosmic Moonshine supply! After vanquishing
these supersized Banjos I did partake of the Cosmic Moonshine at one of
the Hilly Woolies Hoot Nannies!" The Kirbian placed the big chunk of
crystal on one of Dr. Stomper's counters. "Here is what Sincerium I was
able to locate in space -- is it enough?"
"Yes. That should do. Thanks, Kid Kirby." Dr. Stomper sliced off a
chunk with a small laser device he had.
"Good! I fear I must go now, Doctor! The Cosmic Moonshine is beginning
to affect me! I fear I must lie back -- and listen to Blue Grass Music!
Yes! Fare thee well, Doctor!" And with that Kid Kirby flew away from
Dr. Stomper's lab.
"Umm, right." Dr. Stomper took the small chunk of sincerium and placed
it within a small satellite he had engineered. He then put on some
gravity gloves to help him lift the satellite, which he took over to the
LNHQ's satellite cannon. Placing it into the cannon, he then pushed a
number of buttons and finally one button, which caused the satellite
cannon to shoot the satellite into space.
Dr. Stomper studied his watch. "There. Should reach orbit in an hour
or two. Now just need to give instructions to Multi-Tasking Man."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"The programs I've put in the satellite should be able to operate the
satellite fully and let it sweep the entire Loonivearth with Sincerium
rays to shut down all of the remaining Freedom Chips. That being said,
I'll need some one to oversee this just incase something does go wrong."
"Don't worry, Doc. Got Renegade Programmer on the job. He's doing some
diagnostic tests as we speak. It will be fine," said Multi-Tasking Man
as he wrote another entry for his blog, reviewed various villain roster
entries, read a book about how Beige was the new Beige, swatted some
flies, and played some Net.Trek. "We should be ready in three hours or so."
Dr. Stomper nodded his head. "Well, guess I need to finish packing for
my big space trip."
"Good luck with that and Bart. Wish I could go with you."
Dr. Stomper gave another nod. "See you in a few days or so."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The Baby Turtle of Apocalyptic Proportions was no longer a baby. It was
about the size of a three-story house. And apparently now was also a
mother, Occultism Kid thought looking at the thousands of colorful eggs
that were scattered around the pocket dimension that they had decided to
store the turtle in.
"How soon till they hatch?" Occultism Kid asked a middle-aged lady in a
zookeeper outfit, the LNH'r known as Zookeeper Lady.
Zookeeper Lady shrugged her arms. "Could be a week. Could be tomorrow.
Hard to say. What I worry about though is what we're going to feed
them. It's already costing like a $1000 a day to feed the mother." She
gestured towards a large mountain of cabbage and lettuce that the turtle
was gnawing on. "And I don't know if this pocket dimension can hold all
of these turtles once they start hatching."
"Look maybe you should talk to Pocket Man about this since he created
this pocket dimension. Or Kid Kirby. Or someone else. Sorry, can't
really help you with this. I've got to pack for a space trip. Sorry."
Occultism Kid made his way to the exit. Of course it was his
responsibility. He had rescued the turtle from the dying dimension. He
had brought it here. He wondered if Bart knew this would happen. Had
planned for this to happen.
It didn't matter. He couldn't do anything right now. He needed to
focus on Bart.
He stepped out of the pocket dimension and was back in the LNHHQ.
A swarm of flies were in the hallway. Where was Fly Swatting Lass when
you needed her? Probably one of the Freedom Chippers that the Ultimate
Ninja had fired. Where were these flies coming from? It was like every
fly in the world was heading to Net.ropolis as if they sensed some great
feast about to happen soon.
Just as Occultism Kid pondered about wasting some mana on a fly killing
spell he ran into Bad-Timing Boy.
"Whoops! Sorry, Occultism Kid. Oh, btw, if you're planning on going
outside -- don't! It's crazy out there! All these ex-Freedom Chippers
are protesting being fired from the LNH! I was almost lynched out
there! They're out for blood!"
"Hmm. Are you sure it wasn't your T-shirt that angered them?"
"Huh? Oh this?" Bad-Timing Boy looked down at his 'Freedom Chippers
are Freaking Lame' T-shirt that he was wearing. "I suppose this wasn't
the best day to wear this particular T-shirt. But still -- I was lucky
to make it in here alive. If it weren't for the Legion of Net.Freedom
Lovers who knows what would have happened."
"The Legion of What?"
"Oh, yeah. The Legion of Net.Freedom Lovers. That's what Mynabird is
calling the LNV now. Guess it played better with the soccer moms than
Legion of Net.Villains. So they saved me from the Freedom Chipper mob
and offered the Freedom Chippers a better deal for joining them than the
LNH deal they had. It's a pretty good deal too. I mean if I didn't
have a contract with the LNH I might..."
"So Mynabird is recruiting ex-Freedom Chippers? That's great."
"Yeah. All the villains are joining him now. Hex Luthor just joined a
few days ago. With the HexFire Club gone, I guess all of the villains
are throwing their lot with Mynabird now. Even Mr. Homage is supposed
to join the LNFL today."
"Mr. Homage? Thanks for the info, Bad-Timing Boy."
"Sure thing. Need to find another T-shirt to wear. See you around."
As Bad-Timing Boy left, the intercom sounded. <<All LNH Members be on
the lookout for Mr. Tiddles. He has escaped from his cell. Be very
careful when confronting him. He has powerful mind-control powers.
That is all.>>
More great news, thought Occultism Kid. The flies were still swarming.
He looked at the wall and saw some graffiti. 'Bryttle is the Future'
is what it said. Occultism Kid shook his head. He was glad he was
going to space. He didn't envy the LNH'rs who were staying here.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
As Occultism Kid wondered which of his books and talismans he should put
into his suitcase, his comm.thingee came on.
"Occultism Kid? Need to speak with you about a mystical matter. Can
you come to my lab?" It was Dr. Stomper.
"Umm, sure. Be there in a few minutes." Occultism Kid clicked off his
comm.thingee and headed for Dr. Stomper's lab.
A few minutes later, Occultism Kid was opening the door that led to Dr.
Stomper's lab. "So, what's up doc?" He noticed other LNH'rs in the
room besides Dr. Stomper. There was Ripping Dancer, Contraption Man,
and Irony Man. And someone who looked exactly like Occultism Kid.
"Look out! That Occultism Kid is an imposter!"
"Don't worry, Occultism Kid. Relax. I already know he's an imposter."
Dr. Stomper took a gun like device and pointed it at Occultism Kid.
"Because I'm one too." Dr. Stomper then blasted the gun at Occultism
Kid and smiled a wicked smile. "Goodbye, Occultism Kid."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Occultism Kid woke up. He was in a strange room sitting in a chair at a
table. As his eyesight started to get back to normal, he noticed the
others with him.
"Are you all right?" said a man that looked like Dr. Stomper.
"I -- uh -- where am I? I was..." and then Occultism Kid noticed Hex
Luthor. "You!" Occultism Kid started to chant some very old extinct
language. The chair that Hex Luthor was sitting on became alive.
Wooden arms that formed from it grabbed Hex Luthor by the neck. "You
did this. You kidnapped me and..."
"Easy Occultism Kid!" said Contraption Man grabbing him by the arm. "He
didn't kidnap you. Look this is a bit hard to explain. All of this.
Could you just ease up on strangling Hex Luthor a bit?"
"Fine. Chair. Let go of his neck, but restrain him." Hex Luthor
coughed a bit as the chair released his neck and wrapped around his arms
and legs. "Well? What's going on then? And how do I know I can trust
any of you?" He looked at everyone sitting at the table. There was
Irony Man, Dr. Stomper, Contraption Man, Ripping Dancer, Hex Luthor, and
the villain Amnesia.
"Perhaps you could do some spell that reveals our intentions," spoke Dr.
Stomper.
"Okay. Can do that." Occultism Kid chanted some more spells. A
glowing eye with tentacles appeared. The tentacles reached into the
minds of all the people in the room and revealed their true intentions.
A few minutes later the eye disappeared.
"Do you understand now?" Contraption Man said.
"You don't appear to be under mind control. This is some secret mission
to stop Bart. I don't understand why Hex is here, or Amnesia? And who
was that Dr. Stomper look alike that blasted me?"
"That was Robo-Stomper II. I rebuilt a new version of the LNH Robot
Duplication Machine and..."
"You rebuilt that machine? My lord -- are you mad?"
"Believe me, Occultism Kid. We've already had this conversation,"
Contraption Man broke in. "And while I don't like this idea any better
than you we need the duplicates to fool everyone into thinking we're
still with the space team."
"We're not going to space? Then where are we going?"
"Time. Back in time," Contraption Man replied. "We're going to put a
Freedom Chip into past Bart's head."
"I see. But why are they here?" Occultism Kid gestured towards Hex
Luthor and Amnesia.
"I'm here because it's my plan Occultism Kid," Hex Luthor replied. "And
because I need a time machine. Since you LNH'rs stopped my plan to save
the world from the Bryttle Brothers, I've decided like Bart that the
only safe place from their upcoming wrath is the past."
"That doesn't explain why we need you. You should be rotting away in a
prison cell for what you did. And now you expect a get out of jail free
card and a time machine. No. I'm not going to be a part of this. We
do this without Hex or you get someone else."
Hex Luthor had a look of remorse on his face. "Look. I'm sorry. I
feel terrible about the Gothic Gorilla's death. But I couldn't stop it.
I was being controlled by the Cosmic Plot Device. I was..."
"Save the act. No one here buys it. No one! You had free will at the
time. You're a murderer. That's what you are."
Hex Luthor shrugged his hands. "Ah well, if you say so. But regardless
if my plan is going to work, I'm going to have to be there. Putting a
Freedom Chip into someone's brain is a delicate operation. And you're
going to need someone like Amnesia here to erase Bart's memories of this."
"Wait. Who are you people? Where am I?" Amnesia looked at his hand.
"Who am I?!"
"It's okay," said Hex patting Amnesia's back. "You work for me. Here's
some money."
Amnesia took the money. "I seem to remember making more than this."
"Later. And the biggest reason you need me? There are no lines I won't
cross. And you'll need someone like that if you want this mission to
succeed."
"I say we do it without them. I can do a spell that can make Bart
forget. I can..."
"Maybe you can, but since this mission involves time travel I'm team
leader for it," said Contraption Man. "And I decide who goes. I need
you, Occultism Kid, but I also need Hex. I don't remember much about
the history of Beige Midnight, but I do remember something about the
battle with Bart. A villain will help us defeat him. That villain
might be Hex or Amnesia. I don't know."
"I thought you couldn't remember anything about Beige Midnight," said
Occultism Kid looking suspiciously at Contraption Man.
"Well, guess I remember that one thing. I think we need him. Will you
still come?"
"I don't like it. But. Oh goddamn it! Fine. So where are we time
traveling too?"
"1994. More specifically -- Retcon Hour," said Dr. Stomper look at one
of his scientific devices.
"Whoahh! Wait! Retcon Hour?! You're -- you're not serious, Vincent.
I think we need to discuss this a bit," said Contraption Man who began
to look very uncomfortable.
"It's the perfect time era to do this. All of the retcotheric energy
will be the ideal mask to disguise our temporal signatures when we
apprehend Bart. And we do know where Bart's position was during this
time frame -- vacationing in Alt.stralia."
"But -- but it's Retcon Hour! Retcon Hour! There's got to be another
time period! There's got to be one! We can't go back there. Not
there. You know what happened -- what happened there." Contraption
Man's hand trembled slightly.
"Yes. I'm aware. You betrayed the LNH during Retcon Hour. I
understand that will give you uncomfortable feelings. I'm sorry, but
you're going to have to get over them. Retcon Hour is our best bet for
a successful mission."
Contraption Man sighed. "Fine. If that's the way it's going to be,
then fine -- I'll deal with it. Anything else?"
"I don't think Ripping Dancer should be going on this mission. Her
health is..."
"I'm fine!" Ripping Dancer glared at Dr. Stomper.
"No, you're not. You shouldn't be using those power potions anymore.
You're not well. You should be getting treatments and..."
"No. I'm through with the treatments. They're not helping me. I'm
going on this mission. I want -- I want to see the world as it used to
be. A blue sky. Green grass. I want to see that before I die."
Dr. Stomper shook his head. "You need to give the treatments a chance.
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to..."
Ripping Dancer stood up. "It's not you're decision to make.
Contraption Man's team leader."
Everyone looked at Contraption Man.
"If she's meant to go back with us, she's meant to go. There's nothing
I can do to stop it."
Hex Luthor laughed. "How very Zen of you, Contraption Man. Myself, I
don't care. We just need some sexy lady to help us seduce Bart. Who it
is doesn't really matter."
"There's also the matter of the Amnesia Barrier," said Irony Man
breaking into the conversation. "The barrier that Amnesia created
during Infinite April that causes time travelers who go past it to
forget everything."
"I can't remember doing that," said Amnesia trying to recall.
"I've got a mystical paint, which I'll put on our foreheads -- was
planning on using it on some of the LNH'rs going on the space trip --
but oh well. I've only got enough for six people -- although I suppose
Amnesia doesn't need any." Occultism Kid took a bottle of paint and a
brush from one of his pockets.
"Anything else?" said Contraption Man.
"Oh yes. These." Dr. Stomper took out seven rings from a labcoat
pocket. "These will help deflect retcotheric energy when you wear
them." He handed one out to everyone at the table.
"Thanks, Doctor." Contraption Man put the ring on and looked at it.
Retcon Hour. Damn you, Stomper.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
End of Part IBeginning of Part II
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The LNH Starship Continuity Champ --
In Deep Space --
"So, how much longer?" whined Impatient Lad as he looked at his watch.
Captain Continuity gazed out of one of the starships windows. His
Continuity Vision pierced the black abyss of space and zoomed into the
space station and wormhole they were headed for. They were 15 light years
away. He could see every detail of the Dvorakian Space Station. Even a
very tiny bit of print on the side written in Dvorakian. He strained his
eyes to read the text which translated said: "If you can read this then
you're too damn close to the station!"
He looked back at Impatient Lad. "In another hour or so. Right now we're
within the Wormhole Belt. A place that contains over 6000 stable
wormholes. Some wormholes are controlled by various Space Empires like
the Dvorakians and Dorfs. Some by space federations, corporations,
warlords, pirates, and a lot that are of the disputed variety. If you've
ever wondered why all these space empires desire to conquer the
Loonivearth or our solar system, this is a good reason why. Although our
solar system is 30 light years from the nearest wormhole, we're right
within the middle of this wormhole ring making our system an ideal place
for a military base close to all the wormholes within it. This is the
biggest collection of wormholes in the Milky Way and since some of the
wormholes connect to Wormhole belts in other galaxies, whoever has control
of the Wormhole belt has easy access to rest of the Looniverse."
"Umm -- thanks, I guess. Didn't really need to know all that," said
Impatient Lad going off to another part of the ship to avoid hearing more
fascinating facts about where they were headed.
"What's the place we're heading to called?" asked Namerboy.
"It has many names," said Captain Continuity as he recollected. "The
Dorfians call it the 'Gaping Maw'. The Giant Radioactive Space Hamsters
refer to it as 'Babbling Torrent'. The Zethrythians know it as 'Endless
Deluge'. The Qwarsts speak of it as 'The Wandering Fog'. The Inhilators
address it as being 'The Anti-Twit'. The Girafellytacos describe it as
Weepauz'. And for some reason the Christicantthinkofagoodname Empire
calls it 'Why Can't They Just Let Patrick Norton Talk?'"
"And what do you call it?" asked Namerboy.
Captain Continuity thought about this. "Hmm -- I dunno. I guess
Dvorakian Space Station #69."
"Should we be worried about these Dvorakians?" asked Nit-Pick Lad.
Captain Continuity gave a grave nod. "If we have to fight them -- then
yes. They might be the most powerful empire in our galaxy. The
Dvorak/Qwerty war was one of the most bloodiest battles ever. Galaxies
died (Granted they were only dwarf galaxies). It was during the peak of
the war that the Dvorakians stumbled upon the deadliest weapon of all. It
was a virus, but not the kind that you'd think. They used the virus on
themselves. You see the ordinary every day Dvorakian is no more powerful
than the average human. But inject them with a virus and they become god
like beings with the power to crush planets and freeze suns. But the virus
-- This Glory Virus -- kills the host within a week of taking it. But
during the war billions took the Glory Virus and ravaged entire galaxies
and ultimately destroyed the entire Qwerty Empire. To give you the scope
of their power, five fully powered Dvorakians could probably take me on --
that's how powerful they are."
"So why are we even going there? Why not go back in time first and travel
to Qwerty?" questioned Nit-Pick Lad.
Captain Continuity shook his head. "If only we could. No. Before the
end of the Dvorak/Qwerty War the Qwerty System was in a completely
different galaxy. It was the Dvorakian Logic Bomb that not only ended all
life in the system also was so powerful that it caused a rip in space that
sent the whole solar system to our galaxy. If we traveled back in time
first it would probably take us a thousand years to get to Qwerty."
Nit-Pick Lad raised his eyebrow. "But wait. If we go back in time in
Present day Qwerty won't we hit empty space if Past Qwerty isn't there?"
Captain Continuity shook his head again. "No, you see Past and Present
Qwerty are connected to each other in the Temporal Matrix so when we go
back in time we'll be where ever Qwerty is also."
"Well, hope you're right about that."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The LNH Starship Flatulence --
In Deep Space --
*Bpplbpppffffooobbbbbllblblttt*
"Oh, for the love of..." said Sarcastic Lad holding his nose. "Could you
quit making this place smell so heavenly!!"
"Sorry, Sarc!" apologized the ghost of Flatulence Lad.
"Christ! Why are you even haunting this place? Can't you haunt some
other ship!?"
"Well this ship has my name and..."
"Yeah, that's my fault -- teach me to ever be sentimental. Why can't you
just go to heaven or hell or someplace else!?"
"Haven't completed my mission yet. When the Saint writes another LNH
story I'll..."
"When the Saint writes...?" Sarcastic Lad laughed. "So basically you're
going to haunt me for the rest of my life? *Arrrhhghghgh!!!* Kill me now,
God. Why did I go on this stupid mission? And why did Ninj assign me to
this stupid ship?" Sarcastic Lad looked around the ship at the rest of
his crew. And then suddenly it dawned on him why he was here.
"Christ, I can see the pattern! Now I know why he put me here!"
"Why?" asked Easily-Discovered Man Lite who was also holding his nose.
"Look at everyone, Lite! There's Self-Righteous Preacher! PC Man!"
"That is PC Person," sniffed PC Man.
"And there's Grammer Lad! Munchkin Man! Irony Man! Super Apathy Lad!
Time Waster Lad! Don't you see? Every single person in the LNH that the
Ninja either hates or has contempt for is on this space ship! The Ninja
put us all on the same ship!"
"Wait. Are you saying that Ultimate Ninja doesn't like me?" gasped
Easily-Discovered Man Lite. "Are you sure about that? I mean -- sure
I've occasionally told a few off-color Ninja jokes. And there was that
time I broke his favorite coffee mug. And the time I crashed his own
personal private Flight.Thingee."
"And don't forget the time you burned his office down," pointed out Frat
Boy.
"Or when you forgot to water his garden when he went on vacation or that
time you..." said Procrastination Boy.
Easily-Discovered Man Lite broke in. "Umm yeah. Those things. Hmm --
maybe I should send him some flowers or something. You think?"
*Bpplbpppffffooofffooobbbbbllblblaattt*
"I just hope the Invisible Incendiary isn't here too. I just hope," said
Sarcastic Lad.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The LNH Starship Ekko Traveller --
In Deep Space --
"Ultimate Ninja! We've got to stop this ship!" yelled Spelling Boy.
"Spelling Boy? I thought I had you assigned to the Flatulence with the
rest of the LNH'rs I can't -- umm with the rest of the LNH're I assigned
to the Flatulence."
"I traded my spot to Bad Judgment Lad. But that doesn't matter now --
we've got a bigger problem."
"And that is?"
"I just realized that this ship's name is completely misspelled!"
"And?"
"It's misspelled! It should be Echo Traveler! Not Ekko Traveller!!"
"Hmm. That's probably because Typo Lad was in charge of the naming. It
was a tribute for his fallen friend Echo Lad."
"I don't care. It needs to be fixed. I don't know why I didn't notice it
when I came on the ship -- I guess I was too busy correcting all of the
spelling errors in that moronic mission report you gave us to read. But
now I can feel it in my bones. My skin is crawling. There are two
misspelled words and they need correcting!! We need to stop this ship and
repaint all of the words."
"No. I'm not stopping ship. You're just going to have to live with it."
"Live with it? *Live* with it? No. No Way." Spelling Boy pulled out a
gun. "We're stopping this ship now! We're going to correct these
spelling errors! Now! All spelling errors will be corrected! All
misspellers will be punished!! So says Spelling Boy!!!!!"
"Uh huh," said The Ultimate Ninja
A few seconds later...
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad looked at the unconscious badly beaten body of
Spelling Boy strapped to one of the sleeping bunks. "Umm, what should we
do if he wakes up, UN?"
"Taser him?" mused the Ultimate Ninja.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The LNH Starship Lost Cause --
In Deep Space --
"You know -- just realized something," said No-One-Cares-About-Me
Lass. "Everyone on this ship is going to die."
"No way. Whatever gave you that idea?" replied Captain Sacrificial Lamb
Boy XIII.
"Oh, just this intuition I'm getting. But really -- look at us. Look at
everyone. Is there a single person on this ship that anyone cares about?
I mean really."
"I'm afraid this is my fault," said
Saxon-Brenton-Will-Write-the-Brother-of-So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story-Lad-When-Hell-Freezes-Over
Lad the brother of deceased hero
So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story Lad. "I have
brought the curse of Saxon Brenton with me on this voyage and have doomed
you all."
"The curse of Saxon Brenton?" asked an intrigued No-One-Cares-About-Me Lass.
"Yes. The Curse. It goes all the way back to my grandpa -- the Golden
Age So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story Lad who could
have ended World War II much sooner if Saxon Brenton hadn't thought he was
too lame to write. And so it was with the rest of my family. Dad -- the
Silver Age So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story Lad.
Mom -- the Silver Age
So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Her-In-A-Story Lass. Uncle
So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story
Lad. So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story Wonder-Dog.
And Even
So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story-Robot-Gorilla-Cowboy
Guy."
Saxon-Brenton-Will-Write-the-Brother-of-So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story-Lad-When-Hell-Freezes-Over
Lad took a sip of Tang. "And now I'm the last one. The last of the
So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Them-In-A-Story Family. I thought
maybe by going on this trip I could do something so damn cool that it
would even warm Saxon Brenton's cold unloving heart and he would write me
and resurrect my whole family and maybe even write a series based on our
adventures. But I fear I have overreached. I wanted too much and now --
now I have fated us all to a horrible end. The Shadow of Saxon Brenton's
Apathy looms over all of us now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about all of
this."
No-One-Cares-About-Me Lass went over and tried to comfort
Saxon-Brenton-Will-Write-the-Brother-of-So-Lame-Even-Saxon-Brenton-Wouldn't-Use-Him-In-A-Story-Lad-When-Hell-Freezes-Over
Lad.
"Hey, not every character on this ship is a character no one cares about. Me for instance," said Cannon Fodder gesturing to himself. "People care about me. I'm quite the popular character -- and -- hmm --
now that I think about it me being on this ship isn't a very good sign, is
it? Whoops. Just forget everything I said. Try to think happy
thoughts."
And the LNH Starship Lost Cause followed the other four ships to Dvorakian
Space Station #69.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The LNHHQ --
Renegade Programmer typed in one last batch of code. He examined it
thoroughly. Looked good. The Satellite should be ready to start zapping
the planet. He was about ready to hit the activate button when a picture
flashed for a brief moment on his monitor screen. Renegade Programmer
thought he saw a female face on the screen. She looked very familiar.
Something was wrong and Renegade Programmer knew it. He needed to do
another diagnostic check. But that could take hours. Multi-Tasking Man
wanted this done before noon today. It was probably nothing. He had
already checked everything. He just wanted this thing done with. Did it
really matter?
No. It probably didn't matter. Nothing mattered. The LNH was
doomed. Renegade Programmer knew that. All of this was a waste of time.
The end of the world was coming and the LNH was going to lose. He had
better things to do than check and recheck some stupid code. There were
only a couple of weeks left.
He hit the button. The satellite started to blast the Loonivearth with
Sincerity Rays.
There. He was done. He was going to take a break. Do something fun. He
was done with all of this.
Bryttle is the Future.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The Legion of Net.Villians -- Err I mean...
The Legion of Net.FreedomLovers Headquarters --
"It is done," said Vector Sublime as she flew into the room. "The
Satellite is spreading our virus all over the globe even as we speak."
"Ah. Excellent!" said Mynabird who was now wearing a more patriotically
pigmented suit as opposed to his sinister black suit that he had been
wearing -- although the red, white, and blue colors were more beige red,
beige white, and beige blue. "Yes. Everything is starting to fall into
place. Oh, btw, Could you hand these out to the troops, VS?"
"Bumperstickers?" said Vector Sublime with irritation in her voice.
"Yes. But not just any bumperstickers! Bumperstickers Against Drunk
Driving! I've decided that the Legion of Net.FreedomLovers should be
against drunk driving. In fact I've got a speaking engagement with
Mothers Against Drunk Driving in an hour or so. But yes, being against
drunk driving is now a part of the Legion of Net.FreedomLovers mission
statement along with Killing Easily-Discovered Man Lite. Killing the LNH.
Conquering the World. Being for Freedom. Being for Loving. And being
for Freedom Loving. And now also Being Against Drunk Driving. Please
spread the word to all our members to not drink and drive or I will
personally kill them and put their heads on a spike."
"Could I have a word with you," said Mr. Homage who had just entered the
room. "Mynabird?"
"Ah, Homage. Glad to have you on board!" Mynabird gave Mr. Homage a very hard slap on the back. "I'd love to chat with you, but -- well --
having a very busy day today. But we'll have to do lunch sometime."
"But I was just wondering what role I'm supposed to play in this *ahem*
organization? If you could enlighten me?"
"Role? Oh yes, forgot to give you your hat. Your Junior General hat!"
Mynabird handed Mr. Homage something that looked like a beanie cap with
the text 'Junior General' written on it.
Mr. Homage looked at the cap. "Junior General?"
"Yes. Ran out of General Hats. I've decided to make you second in
command of the Junior Brotherhood of Net.Villains section of the Legion of
Net.FreedomLovers. If fact -- here is your new commander right
now. Mr. Kid Homage."
Mr. Homage looked down and saw what looked like a nine year old wearing a
kid version of his costume. "The Junior Brotherhood of Net.Villains?
Mr. Kid Homage?"
"That's General Mr. Kid Homage to you, grunt," barked Mr. Homage's new
commanding officer who climbed onto a table so he could look his new
second in command in the eye.
Mynabird looked at his watch. "Oh, gotta go! You two have fun discussing
strategy and tactics, Okay? Bye!"
Mr. Homage scowled behind his steel mask. You think you've won, Mynabird?
This is all a part of my plan, you fool. You're going to fall sooner or
later. And I'll be there to take everything you've built and remake it
into my own image! Yes, I will. So swears Homage!!! So swears
Homage!!!!
"Gimme fifty push-ups, grandpa!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
1,001,992 BC --
Qwerty --
Bart the Dark Receptionist sipped out of his diamond goblet. A disgusted
look emerged on his face. This Qwerty berry wine was pretty ghastly
stuff. He used the Ring of Retconn to change it into something more
pleasing. He took a taste. Uhhhgggggg! What was this? It tasted -- it
tasted like blood! Try that again. There. A nice red wine. That's
better. He glanced all over the Banquet Hall. His knights were feasting
on Slombaks and Triddlekish (which sort of tasted like chicken). Drinking
heavily of the various Qwerty wines and ales. His Knights of the Bart
Table.
When he had been a boy, Bart had loved reading about King Arthur and his
Knights of the Round Table. And now he had his own group cloned from LNH
DNA. Knights who would die for him if he were to give the word.
And there was his Queen. She looked exactly like Catalyst Lass. He had
cloned her too. His Queen. Queen Cat-El. Bart laughed at that name. She
was flirting with one of his knights -- the one called Sir Toony who he
had cloned from Irony Man's DNA. She was always flirting with someone.
She didn't love him. Bart wondered why. He had everything. He was King.
He had saved this planet from the Evil Storm God, Hurrikhal. Why didn't
she love him? Did she know? Did she know about his crimes? Every evil
thing he had ever done?
Why did she marry him? Perhaps the idea of being Queen tantalized her
enough that she was willing to marry someone she didn't love. Perhaps. Or
maybe there was something wrong with the clone. His own evil had infected
it. He looked at his LNH cloned knights. Maybe they were all wrong. All
infected by his evil.
He could kill Sir Toony and change his shape to look like him. And then
he'd see if his wife was cheating on him. Then he'd see.
No. He was sick of this. Waiting. Waiting for the LNH to come. He had
been ruler of the stupid planet for over a month. They should have come
by now. He wondered what the Ultimate Ninja's strategy was. Surely he
wasn't planning on having the LNH strike a million years from now? No.
He'd be here before the year was over.
He looked at his wife again. She and Toony were laughing about some
idiotic thing. He could make her love him. But it wouldn't be the love
he wanted. A real love. He finished his drink and retconned some more
wine.
"Your Majesty! I beg your pardon, but we have need of your assistance."
Bart turned around and saw that two of the wise Elders were talking to
him. "Umm, yes. What is it?"
"We ask you to come with us. Please."
"Fine. Show me the way."
A little bit later...
The two Wise Elders had led Bart to an opening of a Cavern. A cold wind
seemed to blow from it.
"What is this place?" asked Bart as he used the Insanity Gauntlet to shine
some light into the darkness.
"It is known as the Ice Caverns of Existence. It is said that someday the
Most Worthy One shall walk into the cave and find out the Point of All
Existence. Why everything is. The Purpose of Life. And on that day
everyone will finally know. Alas, many who have walked into the cavern
have failed."
Bart stroked his chin. "I see. And what happened to those that failed?"
"They became a part of the Ice Caverns. Forever."
"So you think maybe I'm the most Worthy One, eh?"
"It is not for us to know. But if you should like to go into the cave and
find out, we will not stop you."
Like hell, Bart thought to himself. This was some kind of a test. If he
didn't go into the cave they'd think he was some kind of a coward. They
were daring him. But they didn't realize how powerful the Ring of Retconn
and Insanity Gauntlet were. Far more powerful than this stupid cave. And
who is to say that he wasn't the Most Worthy One? He couldn't be harmed.
Not by this cave. He'd show them. "I'll do it. Just walk into the cave,
right?"
"Yes. That is correct."
"Fine. Be back in a minute." And Bart walked into the cave. It was very
cold. Colder than space. But he kept walking into the cavern. He could
see other less successful heroes frozen for all time. Where was the
point? And then he saw it. There it was.
Bart laughed. Yes! It was so simple. He was the point! The Point of
All Existence! He was why the Looniverse had been made. It was him. Just
him.
And as Bart reveled in the glory of being him, his body began to
freeze. Totally at peace he didn't notice that he was now a part of the
Cavern. Forever.
The Elders waited about an hour for Bart to return. And as it became
clear that he was not returning, the Elders consulted with one another.
"That was very disappointing."
"He was not the one. I was so sure he was."
"We must find a double to take his place."
"Yes. We cannot tell the people the truth. They would not be able to
handle it. Do you ever believe that the Most Worthy One will ever come?"
"Yes. Some day. We must have faith. And wait."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
2008 AD --
The LNH Starship Ekko Traveller --
Within Dvorakian Empire Space --
"The Space Station is trying to contact us," said Kid Recap looking at the
ship's monitors.
"Put them on screen," nodded the Ultimate Ninja.
<<LNH Vessels! You are violating Dvorkian space! Leave this instant or
we will have to use extreme force! I repeat -- leave or we will use
extreme force!>>
The Ultimate Ninja gazed at the screen and shook his head. "No. I will
speak with whoever is in charge here. Or I will speak with no one.
Clear?"
The Ultimate Ninja watched as a new face emerged on the screen. <<That
would be me, Loonivearthling. And the message is still the same. Leave.
Or we will have 30 fully powered Dvorakians help you leave.>>
The Ultimate Ninja gave a slight bow. "I, the Ultimate Ninja -- Leader of
the LNH, am honored and humbled to talk with you -- forgive me -- who am I
addressing?"
<<General Honiboni.>>
"General Honey Bunny?"
<<That is General Hon-AYE Bon-AYE!>>
"That's what I said. General Honey Bunny."
Kid Recap winced and edged away from the screen. "Oh man. Why didn't we
bring Catalyst Lass with us to talk to them?"
"Anyhow, General -- I would like to request permission to have our five
ships enter your wormhole so we can visit Qwerty."
General Honiboni shook his head in disbelief. <<We have no attention of
giving you any access to our wormholes! We know what is happening on your
planet -- about the Beige Sickness! You and your ship stink of it! We
will not allow you to spread your sickness to our wormhole or any other
part of the Dvorakian Empire!>>
"You're right. There is a Beige Sickness from our planet -- and it's
spreading across space. But stopping us from getting to Qwerty won't end
it. No. The only thing that can stop it is the LNH. And the only way we
can stop it is to get something on Qwerty. And the more time I waste here
the farther the Beige Sickness spreads. Well?"
The general laughed. "The LNH our only hope? For all I know you could be
under the thrall of the Bryttle entities. No, the only place you're going
is back to your planet. In 10 of your Loonivearth seconds I'll send a
squad of 30 fully powered Dvorakians to escort you back there.>>
The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "That would be a bad idea."
<<How so?>>
"Because then I won't be able to stop the secret ship I sent to the
Dvorakian Throne World from slaughtering your Empires royal family. Oh
and I should probably mention that we're disrupting all intergalactic
signals. So you won't be able to warn them."
<<You dare.>> The color on the Dvorakian's face became crimson. <<You dare! Do you realize what we'd do to your entire species?! Do you --
no -- you must be bluffing. Yes. There's no way you could possible know
where the Throne World was located. It's...>>
"The Blorphian Voddle. Coordinates 123.678-9339.2345-12399.2424."
<<You would doom your whole race. And your ship would have no chance
against the Throne World.>>
"A ship that has Kid Kirby and Opinionated Lad on it."
<<What? Opinionated Lad? The Opinionated Lad!?>>
"There's only one of them." Thank the gods, thought Ultimate Ninja.
<<No. Opinionated Lad -- I don't believe it. He's a myth. There's no
way someone that powerful could possibly exist. He whose opinion is the
combined opinion of the entire NET?! I mean -- if he really exists why
doesn't he stop this Beige Sickness!?>>
The Ultimate Ninja couldn't really answer that question and in truth was
only bluffing about Opinionated Lad being on that ship. He didn't have a
clue where Opinionated Lad was. Probably back on Loonivearth searching
for an aspirin or a decent breakfast. Finally he said, "Opinionated Lad
works in mysterious ways." What a cop out.
<<You doom your race by taking this action!>>
"And you doom the Looniverse and your Empire by stopping us. All we want
to do is go to that planet and get something. Nothing more. You lose
nothing. The Dvorakian Empire loses nothing. And -- we'll even throw in
a gift."
The general's eyes perked up. <<A gift? What kind of gift?>>
"You know the name Dev-Null?"
<<Of course! Every Dvorakian knows the name of that accursed mass
murdering terrorist Qwertian scum!>> The general spat on the
ground. <<What about him? Last I heard he was being held in the
inescapable Ultimate Blackhole prison.>>
"No. Not anymore. There was a breakout. And now we have him." The
Ultimate Ninja made a gesture and a couple of LNH'rs brought Dev-Null out
with high-powered manacles covering both hands. "And he's yours if you
allow us to go to Qwerty. Well?"
"You lying slatherpiggle LNH scum!!!!" said a clearly outraged
Dev-Null. "You gave me your promise!"
<<We'll have to do some testing -- to confirm if it's the genuine article.>>
"Of course." The Ultimate Ninja sliced at Dev-Null's cheek. Dev-Null
just gave him a deathly stare. The Ultimate Ninja smeared the blood on
the transporter and sent it to the general.
A few minutes later...
<<It's a match. No clone. No robot duplicate. An exact match. Very
well, perhaps we can make a deal after all. How about this: You give us
Dev-Null and I'll send a team of Dvorakian scientists to retrieve what
ever it is you're looking for. Sound good?>>
"No. We must go to Qwerty. That is final."
<<Okay. We will allow you to go to Qwerty. But you have to take a
Dvorakian escort. Five fully powered Dvorakians on each of your
ships. This is non-negotiable.>>
The Ultimate Ninja thought about it. "Okay. That will work. We'll
transport Dev-Null to you in a few minutes. And you can transport the
Dvorakians afterwards."
<<Fine.>> And the Ultimate Ninja shut off transmission. And as he did in
the corner of his eye he noticed that Dev-Null had escaped from his
manacles and was holding Bad-Timing Boy hostage with a blaster he had
acquired from Bad-Timing Boy.
"Fly the ship out of here, Ninja. Or Bad-Timing Boy's brain becomes a
Jackson Pollack mural." Dev-Null's cheek was still bleeding.
The Ultimate Ninja's eyes didn't flinch. "Go for it." A Ginsu Katana
twirled in his hands.
Dev-Null quickly changed aim to the Ultimate Ninja and tried to shoot. But
before he could say, 'Damn! This stupid gun is jammed!' The Ultimate
Ninja pinched a nerve causing Dev-Null to fall to the floor paralyzed.
"Did you really think we'd give Bad-Timing Boy a gun that actually worked?"
"What?" said a slightly offended Bad-Timing Boy picking up his ineffective
gun.
"This isn't over, Ninja. There is no Dvorakian Prison that can hold me!
None!"
"And as much as I like the thought of you rotting in one -- no, we're not
handing you over to them. The LNH does indeed keep its promises. Even
with the likes of you. You're going to Qwerty with us like originally
planned. We're going to give the Dvorakians a robot duplicate of you."
"That won't fool them. They'll do tests."
"Yes. They probably will. Hopefully though, they'll do them after we get
to Qwerty. Now we need to get you in a hiding place. We have guests
coming."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
End of Part IIBeginning of Part III
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The Ultimate Ninja glanced over the five Dvorakians that had teleported
onto his ship. For the most part they were utterly unremarkable --
except for the tallest one who seemed to be about nine feet high. He
had a long mane of blue hair and an eye patch over his left eye. He
walked over to greet them.
"So, this is the mighty Ultimate Ninja," laughed the one with the eye
patch. "I'm Major Poossee leader of this mission."
"Did you say *ahem* -- umm, Poossee? I suppose that means something
different in Dvorakian, right?"
"Actually, its meaning is even more insulting in Dvorakian. Or at least
it used to be. My father," a scowl appeared on Major Poossee's face,
"Gave me the name. My father was -- what's that lovely Loonivearthish
term. Ah, yes. An asshole. I suppose he thought the name would
toughen me up. And it did. And now -- it is the most feared name in
the entire Empire."
"I'll take your word for it."
"Of course not as famous as yours though. The Ultimate Ninja. Now,
there's a name that everyone in the entire Looniverse knows."
"If you say so."
"But it's true! Why -- when I was just a wee lad in the Academy I
remember reading about the battle at H'yddee'uzzz (Post-Infinite April
spelling of H'yddee'uz -- Footnote Girl). Your battle with the Ellipsis
King. And now I'm meeting you -- the Legend."
"I suppose you want an autograph."
"Oh no. Nothing like. We both are warriors. We are beyond such petty
nonsense like that. No. We have destinies. Yes. Linked destinies.
Some how I've always known it."
"Right."
"Oh yes, a link. We will fight. This will happen. Nothing can stop it
from happening. And one of us will kill the other one. I've known this
for a long time. In fact I've prepared all my life for it. For this
battle." Major Poossee turned his attention to one of the ship's
windows and looked at the black void of space. "I was born in the wrong
time, you see. Now days -- now days the Royal Family..." He shook his
head. "They're just a bunch of simpering old maids blubbering about how
we should feel guilty for all the civilizations we've slaughtered all
the species we've made extinct. Weak! Sad, but true. I should have
been born a thousand years ago when being a warrior and a Dvorakian
meant something. We should be rulers of the Looniverse! But now we're
just a weak decadent aging Empire crumbling into oblivion. A
civilization that deserves to die. You understand don't you?"
The Ultimate Ninja nodded. "You have a death wish. Very well. After
the mission is completed, you'll get what you want. We'll fight."
Major Poosee smiled. "Yes, we'll fight."
The ship headed towards the wormhole.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Qwerty --
Present Day --
The five LNH Starships landed on the dead surface of Qwerty. Nothing
was alive here -- except some hibernating microbe colonies living at an
empty Dvorakian research station. Everything else -- dead.
Parking Karma Kid manning the controls for the LNH Starship Ekko
Traveller noticed that something not quite alive was coming towards the
ships. "Ghosts! Ultimate Ninja, we've got Ghosts!" Parking Karma Kid
pointed frantically at the ship's ghost detector that was showing a
swarm of red dots racing at their ships.
The Ultimate Ninja nodded. "Qwertian ghosts. They must sense the
Dvorakians on our ships. Probably want revenge."
"Qwertian ghosts?" Major Poosee sneered. "What nonsense are you trying
to...?"
The Ultimate Ninja ignoring that question turned his attention to
Parking Karma Kid. "PKK! Tell all the ships to put up the Ghost Force
Field! Quickly!"
Parking Karma Kid did that and afterwards hit a button. Although the
button wasn't the Ghost Force Field since this ship and the other LNH
ships didn't have one. The button was for the time boosters.
And after it was pushed, everything outside the ship started to go
backwards. And a dead planet lived once again.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Qwerty --
1,001,992 BC --
Kid Recap stumbled up from off the floor. The time jump had disoriented
him. Where was he? Ah, yes -- Qwerty. Ancient Qwerty. And because of
the Infinite April time barrier that his arch-enemy Amnesia had created
[See LNH Comics Presents #499: 'The Crimes of Amnesia' for more -- oh
wait! That hasn't been written yet. Sorry! -- Footnote Girl], he was
the only LNH'r that could remember anything about their mission. First
thing, get everyone off the ship.
He looked at all his confused and bewildered LNH colleagues also getting
off the floor. "Okay, Everyone! Outside!"
After managing to empty all of the ships and get all 250 or so members
together, Kid Recap spoke to the massive crowd.
"Okay first thing. Is there anyone here, besides me, who remembers
something -- anything about our mission? Anyone?"
"Ooh, ooh! Me! Me! I do!" piped the annoying high pitched voice of a
blue midget who was wearing tons of armor, amulets, rings, cloaks, and
girdles. He also was carrying this huge sack of absurdly powerful
weapons and shields that was twice as big as him. He was the one -- the
only (thankfully) -- the (oh lord) -- Munchkin Man. "Thanks to my 'Ring
of Resist Amnesia (+9,999,999)! Don't leave home without one!"
Kid Recap rolled his eyes. "Well, I suppose that's something. Anyone
else?"
"I Demand Answers! Who are you!? What have you done to me?!!!!!!" said
a rather pissed off and scary Ultimate Ninja waving his Ginsu Katana in
a menacing fashion. "Give Them To ME!!!!!!! I Want THEM!!!!!!!"
Kid Recap gulped as he backed away some. "Look! Relax! Please Relax!
This is all hard to explain, but -- look -- look in your pockets!
There's a paper -- a paper written in each of your own handwriting that
explains everything!! It explains everything!! Just look it over!"
Kid Recap sighed a little in relief as the LNH'rs started looking over
their papers instead of lynching him. "I'm Kid Recap and you're the
Legion of Net.Heroes!! You fight bad guys and save the world!! We time
traveled to the past to fight this guy called Bart the Dark Receptionist
-- who used to be a receptionist for us, but turned evil. And when we
time traveled we hit this barrier called the Amnesia Barrier that causes
everyone except for people who have powers like me, or rings like
Munchkin Man, to forget everything. And well that's where we're at.
Everyone understand?"
The Ultimate Ninja sniffed suspiciously at the paper he had. "This
looks like my writing, but I don't know -- it's too close. Too close to
my own hand writing style! I don't like it. This smells like a
forgery. And the content -- The Content is absurd! I'm the leader of
this stupid LNH? There's no way that's possible! I'm a lone wolf that
makes my own rules! The only thing I love is the smell of battle and
the feel of a freshly plucked heart pulsating in my hand!!" The
Ultimate Ninja crumpled the piece of paper in his hand and tossed it.
Kid Recap backed up even more as the angry Ultimate Ninja started to
head in his direction. "Look! It's all true! Honest! I know it
sounds insane -- but it's true! Look the only way you'll get back your
memory is to -- is to ummm..." It was probably not a good idea to
mention the time boosters on the Starships. "Oh yeah! Kill Bart!
That's it! Kill Bart! That will bring you're memories back!"
The Ultimate Ninja picked up Kid Recap by the tuft of his shirt. "Where
is he?"
"Umm... I don't know! Really! He's somewhere on this planet! That's
all I know!"
"Fine." The Ninja dropped Kid Recap down. "I'll find him. And Kill
him. And I better get my memory back. Or else." With that said, the
Ultimate Ninja disappeared into the shadows of Qwerty.
Kid Recap wiped some sweat off of his brow. Well one problem solved.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Easily-Discovered Man Lite looked over his own handwritten paper that
described his life. "Wow. This is amazing. I'm amazing. Look at
this." He showed the paper to Sarcastic Lad and Frat Boy. "It says
here that I'm a wealthy professional wrestling billionaire who invented
the Nacho, Day Light Savings Time, the Pet Rock, and the Ab Abber! I'm
the Man who put the Bomp in the Bomp-de-Bomp. A stunt double for
Charlie Rose. I have my own Ben and Jerry's ice cream:
'Easily-Discovered Frost-Bite'. I was a member of the Supreme Court for
a week before I quit because it was interfering with my globe trotting
playboy lifestyle. I won a Noble Prize in literature for my book,
'10,0001 of the Greatest Ninja Jokes Bathroom Reader!'. And I'm married
to the Laker Girls! Wow. I must be the most awesome person alive."
"Oh, right. That sounds totally true. Let me see that," said Sarcastic
Lad yanking the paper away. "This can't be true! You can't be married
to the Laker Girls! No way! I'm married to the Laker Girls! See!" He
shoved his own paper into Easily-Discovered Man Lite's face.
Easily-Discovered Man Lite's face was shocked and a little bit
distraught. "Could this be true? Have the Laker Girls been cheating on
me? My greatest love? A story for the ages? How could they? And
after all I did for them and their careers. Me, the Man who invented --
the Macarena!! Oh Cruel, cruel world!"
"Hey," said Frat Boy looking at his own paper, "It says here I'm also
married to the Laker Girls. Oh wait, no. Got that wrong. It just says
Lakers. Umm -- hmm. Guess that means I'm -- umm -- Nevermind." Frat
Boy quickly hid his paper.
Kid Recap burying his head in his hands finally screamed, "None of you
are married to the Laker Girls, or Lakers -- or whatever!!!!! I don't
know why you decided to fill your papers with a bunch of BS and lies --
but it's not true!! Not true!! Look you're Frat Boy -- you have the
power to make Frat Foods! You're Sarcastic Lad -- You have the power to
make Sarcastic Comments! And you're Easily-Discovered Man Lite -- and
you have the umm -- you're Easily-Discovered Man Lite."
"Wait! You're saying that *none* of this is true? I'm not a
billionaire, but just some jerk who obviously likes to play mind games
with his amnesiac future self? Is that what you're saying?" said
Easily-Discovered Man Lite taking it all in.
"Umm -- yeah, basically. Sorry."
"But I'm still a superhero, right? I've got powers, right? Like making
light beams or having the ability to easily discover objects? Right?"
"Umm -- umm not really. You don't have any powers as far as I know.
You're basically a sidekick who makes quips, tells Ninja jokes, and hits
bad guys with a spatula. And -- umm -- yeah, that about covers it."
Easily-Discovered Man Lite looked at the spatula in his hand. "Are you
serious? This is a joke, right? Right?! What am I -- a lunatic or
something? Wait. Am I? Am I mentally insane?"
Kid Recap looked at his watch. "Oh, look at the time. I better go talk
to the others. Later, guys!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Another LNH'r that Kid Recap couldn't recognize stopped him. "I can't
read my own hand writing! Who am I? Can you read any of this?" said
the guy who Kid Recap didn't know handing him his paper. Kid Recap
looked over the paper with very, very unreadable handwriting before
finally saying, "Ah, yes! You're umm -- Can't-Read-His-Own-Handwriting
Lad! Yeah -- that's who you are."
"Wait! That's who you said I was!" said another LNH'r with bad
handwriting who Kid Recap also didn't recognize.
"No. No. I said you were 'Unable-To-Read-His-Own-Handwriting Lad'.
Big difference. Umm -- I've got to talk to the others -- okay? Later."
Kid Recap quickly walked to another part of the camp.
"Hey you!" Kid Recap looked to see who was calling for him. It was one
of the Dvorakians. The one with the eye patch. Major Pussey or
something like that. What did they want?
"Umm -- something the matter?" said Kid Recap cautiously.
"We've looked all over, but there are no notes that tell us who we are.
Why is that?"
"Oh, yeah -- that. Umm -- well you see you're Dvorakians a very
powerful alien race that was supposed to help us on this mission. And
-- umm -- it's against your religion to makes notes reminding you who
you are. Umm -- yeah, that's it." In a way he was glad that the
Dvorakians couldn't remember anything. Well, hopefully they didn't
remember. Hopefully the Glory Virus didn't give them some type of super
memory type power.
"I see," said the Dvorakian with the eye patch.
"Am I a Dvorakian too?" said Dev-Null. "I don't have a paper either."
Damn, Kid Recap thought to himself. He had almost forgotten about
Dev-Null. The LNH had made a deal with Dev-Null, which was basically
that Dev-Null would give them all the info he had about Ancient Qwerty
and they'd take him there to see it. They forgot to tell him about the
whole amnesia side effect thingee. "Umm, no -- You're Qwertian although
you do worship the same religion and have the same taboo about reminding
notes." There was really no need to tell him the truth about himself.
That he was really a murderous intergalactic terrorist. "Your name is
Dev-Null. And you're the last son of Qwerty." No need to tell him
about his most hated cousin Myk-El either.
"But didn't you say this planet was Qwerty?"
"Uh yes, but we're in the past. You see in the present -- Qwerty is a
dead planet. Your parents sent you on a rocket to safety and sent you
to the Loonivearth where you became its greatest hero."
"I'm a hero?" said Dev-Null taking that in. "Its greatest hero?"
"Oh, yes. You've saved the Looniverse countless times. And now you've
come with us for one last battle. To beat Bart the Dark Receptionist
and retire in peace in Qwerty's past." Kid Recap wondered if stroking
Dev-Null's ego would work. Can you call someone a hero and thus make
them a hero? But in truth he was sure Dev-Null probably already thought
of himself as a hero. Whether as a self-proclaimed Freedom Fighting
Renegade battling a corrupt decadent Qwerty or taking revenge on the
Dvorakians for killing his people.
"Yes, a hero," said Dev-Null talking to himself and basking in his own
imagined glory. "But what powers do I have?"
"Oh, umm..." Kid Recap thought about this. What powers did Dev-Null
have? None that he could remember. He was a highly intelligent
Terrorist who could make weapons and bombs out of ordinary items. And
he was good at escaping from prisons. Sort of an evil intergalactic
version of MacGyver. "None really. Just super intelligence and the
ability to make and use any weapon."
"Well, guess you better give me some weapons."
"Umm, right. I'll take you to the armory." Hopefully, Dev-Null didn't
have super memory powers either, thought Kid Recap, Or this could all
turn out very bad.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
A few days later...
Kid Recap had made as much progress as he was probably going to with his
amnesiac LNH. He had told them all the details about the mission. And
now he was leading them on march to find Bart or King Qwert-El or
whatever he was calling himself. He didn't know what had happened with
the Ultimate Ninja. The Ninja hadn't returned.
He had a box in his hands. In the box was something that the LNH hoped
would stop Bart. It was something that Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad
had found in their trip to hell [See the Pigs in Hell Miniseries. Oh
wait! No one has written that either. Sorry -- Footnote Girl].
As he and LNH marched along a road, Kid Recap saw a horseman riding
towards them. The horseman looked sort of familiar. And then Kid Recap
realized he was looking at his own face. The horseman was an exact
match! What was going on here?
The Horseman looked slightly shocked when he saw Kid Recap's face too.
But he put his shock aside and spoke. "I bring a message from Our
Majesty -- King Qwert-El. We know who you are -- Sorcerous Devils. You
are The L, The N, and The H. You created the Devil God Hurrikhal to
inflict suffering on our people, but thankfully our King destroyed your
beast. And you, with your hoards of abominations have come to finish
Hurrikhal's works. But you will not succeed, for our King and his
Knights shall annihilate you like they obliterated Hurrikhal. My King's
message is a simple one. Leave or Die. That is all. Your time is
nigh." And with that said the Horseman rode off.
Kid Recap and the LNH continued to march on. And after a few miles they
finally saw what the Horseman had meant.
Across the Horizon were thousands of armored men and horses all with
arrows and swords pointed towards the LNH. Kid Recap noticed that many
of these men had faces just like various LNH'rs.
"Oh, man," said Kid Recap as King Qwert-El's army started to charge.
And he looked at the little box in his hands. The box that was supposed
to stop Bart.
The box with Bart's soul.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
**** <<--BM-->> ****
NEXT: Return to Retcon Hour!
**** <<--BM-->> ****
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Credits:
Thanks to Andrew Burton, Scott Eiler, Martin Phipps, and Rob Rogers for
suggestions about Dvorakian Space Station and LNH Starship names... and
just like I promised -- You win nothing!
Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins,
Martin Phipps, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...
Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger"
Kogutt, used with permission...
Bart the Dark Receptionist - Ken Schmidt
Qwerty and the Dvorakians - Drizzt
LNH'rs
Bad Timing Boy - Vernon H Harmon
Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Cannon Fodder - wReam
Easily-Discovered Man Lite - Rob Rogers
Footnote Girl - Saxon Brenton
Frat Boy - uplink
Ghost of Flatulence Lad - Saint
Kid Kirby - Jameel Al Khavitz
Kid Recap - Josh Geurick
Multi-Tasking Man - Jeff Coleburn
Munchkin Man - ????
Nit-Pick Lad - ???
PC Person - Jay Leigh Volk
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Parking Karma Kid - Steve Simmons
Renegade Programmer - wReam
Sarcastic Lad - Saint
Spelling Boy - Bill Sherman
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
Secret Retcon Hour Team:
Amnesia - Drizzt
Contraption Man - Drizzt
Dr. Stomper - T. M. Neeck
Hexadecimal Luthor - Chris Hare and Saxon Brenton
Irony Man - Doug Moran
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer
Legion of Net.FreedomLovers:
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Mynabird (suit) - Rob Rogers
(mite) - Arthur Spitzer
Vector Sublime - Rob Rogers and Arthur Spitzer
Others:
Dev-Null - Jim "Scowling" Cowling
Hurrikhal - Arthur Spitzer
RACCtre - Badger
Three Annoying Little Sisters - Tom Russell
Turtles of Apocalyptic Proportions - Tarq
Writer's Notes:
For those who are confused by this...
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Infinite_Leadership_Crisis
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/List_of_Infinite_Leadership_Crisis_Stories
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Countdown
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Midnight
Probably won't help.
And then there was one.
I seem to be the last writer writing Beige Midnight. Someone else was
supposed to do this arc. But oh well. Here it is.
It's probably all a confusing mess. There's time travel, clones, robot
duplicates, different planets, and a lot of other stuff. And next issue
we'll have Retcon Hour too.
Plus there's the references to stories that haven't been written yet.
Ideally, Beige Countdown #9 and 8 would be written now. It would have
had Bart turn all of the escapees from the Ultimate Black Hole (Except
for Dev-Null) into LNH Dice.
LNHCP #499, which will probably never be written (but if you want to be
my guest) would have had Amnesia create this big Amnesia barrier that
causes time travelers who try to go past it to the past to forget quite
a bit.
Pigs in Hell, which also will probably never be written (be my guest
too) would have had Master Blaster and Sarcastic Lad find something that
could be Bart's soul (or maybe not).
What else?
Oh, Hurrikhal. I needed some evil beast and it was either use him or
create something new.
Here's the story where he's from if you want to read it.
http://archives.eyrie.org/racc/misc/Misc/Hurrikhal.01.gz
It's better written than this one. You don't really have to read that
to understand anything in this issue though -- I don't think.
This took so long to get out mostly because of Procrastination. I was
originally planning on writing all three parts of this arc before I
posted any, but since I'm not sure if I'll finish this before the year
ends I thought it might be better to post something so I can at least
say that I've posted more than one issue this year. Hopefully, the next
issue will be written a lot faster.
What else?
Blah. I don't know.
Arthur "Death to Beige Midnight!" Spitzer
