[Cover: On the left side of the cover are thousands of Freedom Chip
Heroes, the Saviors of the Net, and members of the HexFire Club flying
towards battle. On the right side are hundreds of LNH'rs, members of
The Resistance, rocketing on flying bicycles towards battle. In the
center is the Ultimate Ninja putting a crown on Hex Luthor's head. In
the Beige Background are silhouettes of Dekay and Diskolor still asleep
on their thrones. And at the bottom in large text is written 'Imperium
Hex Part IV: The Coronation'.]
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The place -- The Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters.
The time --
B E I G E
M I D N I G H T
The number -- F O U R
The Writers -- Arthur Spitzer and Saxon Brenton
**** <<--BM-->> ****
April 16th, 2008
11:50 AM
No time.
No time at all, thought Building Suspense Lad as he sped through the
Legion Headquarter's hallways on his superfast motorcycle. Tucked under
his arm was some weird looking device. A device that needed to be in
Washington, DC. Right now. And he had to get it there.
And as he drove through the hallway, Building Suspense Lad remembered a
time way back when (A couple of months ago) -- when a person hadn't
needed to drive a motorcycle to get to one point of the LNHHQ to the
next point. They could have simply walked. Back when the LNH only had
like 500 or so members. But now? That was no longer the case. Now
days the LNHHQ was a monster holding thousands of members. Now days you
needed a motorcycle. A fast motorcycle.
Of course there were the teleporters, but for some reason Ultimate Ninja
didn't want anyone using those except for the Freedom Chippers.
He could see the elevator coming up. Damn! It was closing. He
couldn't wait for it to come back up. No! There was no time for that.
He had to get there. Now! He pressed the 'Absurd speed' throttle on
one of the handlebars, which caused the motorcycle to rocket towards the
elevator. And then he pressed on the hand and foot brakes as he skidded
towards the elevator getting in just in time.
Oww! Did he break his ankle? It hurt. It hurt like hell. Got to get
up. And press the elevator buttons! He gritted his teeth and stood up.
He pushed the 'Flight.Thingee Hangar' button and then slammed the
'Absurd Elevator Speed' button. But nothing happened. He slammed it
again. Nothing. It must be broken. He couldn't do normal speed. It
would take too long. He had to get to the Flight.Thingee Hangar -- Now!
He took his motorcycle helmet off. He clenched his fist. And then?
And then he punched the elevator emergency case with all of his Building
Suspense Lad strength. All of it! Oww! Oh -- Jesus! Did he just
break his hand? He looked at all of the wires in the case. Which ones?
Which ones would cause this elevator to go at absurd speeds? He chose
two wires and pressed the frayed sides together. And then he fell to
the floor as the entire elevator began rocketing at absurd speeds
towards the Flight.Thingee Hangar level. Seconds later the entire
elevator slammed to a stop causing Building Suspense Lad to slam into
the ceiling and then fall back down to the floor. Oww! Oww my head!
Why did I take my helmet off?
Building Suspense Lad gritting his teeth slowly got back up, picked up
the device, and exited the elevator. Here he was. The Flight.Thingee
Hangar level. This was where all of the Flight.Thingees were. All of
them (Except the ones that weren't here because they were out flying).
And he had to choose one. One to fly this device to Washington, DC.
Capital of the Loonited States. One. But there were so many to choose.
So many different styles of Flight.Thingees. So many shades of beige.
How could he choose? The one he'd look coolest in? And what if the
one he chose didn't have enough gas? Or what if it was hooked up to a
bomb? Or what if it -- Dare I say -- was possessed by -- Satan!? And
now he had to choose. The fate of the entire Looniverse hung in his
hands. Which one? Which one!!?
He looked at his watch. Damn it! He didn't have time! But he couldn't
decide. There were so many of them! Too many! Why did there have to
be so many Flight.Thingees? Why? Why God, Why? He couldn't choose.
He felt paralyzed. Was this how the LNH was going to end? Because he
couldn't choose? Have to choose. He looked at his watch. Time was
ticking away. Ticking -- ticking away. What was it going to be? Light
Beige? Dark Beige?
"Medium Beige. Choose medium beige," said an ambiguous sounding voice
behind him. He looked and saw a human shaped blur. It was the long
time LNH'r Fuzzy.
"But -- but I hate medium beige. I..."
"I don't really care."
"But..."
"Are you asking me to shoot you? Because I will do that. Now. Get.
In the damn -- Flight.Thingee! Get!"
"So -- umm -- you're coming?" said Building Suspense Lad as he quickly
opened the Medium Beige Flight.Thingee's door.
"Yeah. Should have been my day off," she said as she hopped into one of
the seats. She pressed the cigarette lighter button and took a pack out
of her purse. "Figures."
Building Suspense Lad pushed on the radio and turned the knob till he
found a station he liked.
"That sounds familiar. That tune. What is it?" asked Fuzzy.
"The Theme from Jaws. This is the Building Suspense Music Station. My
favorite station."
Fuzzy rolled her eyes and clicked the radio off. "Just fly the damn
Thingee. Fly it! Oh god." Fuzzy sighed to herself.
But before Building Suspense Lad could do that a music that sounded like
a sinister Barber Shop Quartet started to play on the radio.
"Thought I told you..." Fuzzy started to say.
"No, wait. It wasn't me -- it's the -- Damn! I knew this would -- it's
possessed! The flight.thingee! By Satan!"
<<Not Satan, foolish mortal!>> said a voice coming from the radio.
<<Even worse. Worse than your feeble mind can imagine! Yes! For I am
not Satan! No! I am Satan's -- BARBER!! Muhahahha!!! Prepare for a
haircut. A haircut -- FROM HELL!!!! Muahhahahahahahhahah!!!!!!!>>
"Oh, Jesus," said Fuzzy rolling her eyes. "Why? Why me?"
And the Hangar doors opened as the Flight.Thingee possessed by satanic
energy lifted off of the ground. Into the Air.
Into the Great Beige Yonder.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
11:50 AM
In the top floor of the Washington Monument --
Toony Stork looked out of the window. He was partially in his Irony Man
suit. He was using special binoculars to look at the outside. At what
was happening.
There was a huge motorcade driving along Constitution Avenue. Police on
motorcycles. Ambulances. Fire engines. Tanks. And Four Black well
armored SUVs. One of which had the President of the Loonited States.
Hexadecimal Luthor. The other three were filled with Important World
Leaders from several countries. In the sky, he could see helicopters
and various Freedom Chip Heroes flying around trying to spot potential
trouble.
And there was going to be trouble. They had been getting death threats,
bomb threats, and other threats all week. One of the threats was from
the Legion of Net.Villains who were planning on assassinating the
President. Irony Man scanned the crowds for possible troublemakers, but
couldn't really see much. Just some hippy protester types ranting about
Freedom Chips. But something was going to happen.
Why had Hex decided to have this signing outdoors? Out in the open? He
was tempting fate. He wanted trouble. But why?
Irony Man walked back to one of the empty tables that wasn't surround by
police and FBI agents. There was a bottle of scotch on it and a shot
glass. Irony Man sat down and poured some scotch into the glass and
then stared at the glass. Cliche Dude would have loved this scene. He
wasn't going to feel guilty about what was going to happen. It had to
happen. It was right what was going to happen. He had no choice. It
was the only way. The only way. He wouldn't feel guilty. No. He
wouldn't.
He rotated the shot glass and watched as the scotch swirled around the
glass. Was he going to drink it? No. Not this time. Maybe
afterwards. Irony Man glanced at his golden Rolex watch. Not so gold
now. Like everything else -- becoming beiger and beiger.
Looks like it's time.
Time to save the world.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Noon.
And Useless Background Music Character clicked a button.
The song 'Everybody Wants To Rule The World' by Tears For Fears started
to play.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
IMPERIUM HEX PART IV
'The Coronation'
**** <<--BM-->> ****
A couple of hours before...
"He has to die. Irony Man. For the good of the world."
Fearless Leader looked at the man who had just said those words. It was
a man that looked like he had just stepped out of an old black and white
movie. He had a trenchcoat and fedora. This man had once been a hero.
A member of the LNH. But he had died. He called himself the 4-Color
Kid. "But why? Why do I need to kill him? This doesn't..."
"He has been corrupted -- touched by Dekay -- and Diskolor. I know long
ago, he was a good man. We were friends in the early days of the LNH.
But that was then. He's no longer that man. He has sold his soul. He
cannot be redeemed. To kill him would be a mercy. You must kill him --
in order to save the world."
Fearless Leader looked around the room. Where was he? It was like some
old time saloon from some Western. Was he in the past? Everything was
beige. Everything was dust and decay. There was nothing alive here.
He was talking to a ghost. Was this the future? Nothing alive?
No. There was something alive. Flies. He could see them buzzing
around. Buzzing around the 4-Color Kid's face. Why were they still alive?
"But why will killing Irony Man save the world? That's what I don't
understand. How can...?" It was a dream. He was in a dream. None of
this was happening. Still. Why was he dreaming this? Why were the
flies buzzing around the 4-Color Kid's face?
"To remove the evil from the LNH. As long as the LNH is evil --
corrupted -- there is no hope. We need to remove the evil. All of the
evil. To save the LNH -- Irony Man must die. All the evil must die."
There was something crawling out of the 4-Color Kid's ear. Something
crawling. Some kind of worm. A maggot. What was it? Oh god.
"You. You're not -- What are you? You're not the 4-Color Kid. You're
not..." Fearless Leader stood up out of his chair and pulled his gun
out. "You're working for them. Dekay and Diskolor. You're some kind
of agent for..."
The 4-Color Kid began to laugh. Flies and worms and other creatures
started to pour from his ears and mouth. "And why can't I be the
4-Color Kid, Fearless Leader? Perhaps I am him. Perhaps I made a deal
with Dekay and Diskolor long ago and now I work for them. Can you be sure?"
"You're not him. He was a hero. He sacrificed his life to save the
Looniverse from your Masters. You're just some foul abomination who's
telling me lies. You're -- you're -- this is a dream. A goddamn dream."
"Yes. It's a dream. And maybe I'm lying to you. And maybe I'm not. I
guess it doesn't really matter though since anything you do from this
point on won't matter. Nope, it won't. Kill Irony Man. Save Ripping
Dancer. Stop Hex Luthor. It doesn't matter. Any choice you make will
be meaningless. Every choice. You're meaningless. You're nothing. My
Masters have already won. We've destroyed the LNH. This is just part
of the game. Yes. Just part of the fun."
"No. No." Fearless Leader started to blast away at the creature that
was pretending to be the 4-Color Kid. "No."
"You're nothing. Nothing. Nothing," laughed the creature as a swarm of
flies and other insects started to burst from him.
And then there was a loud booming sound.
Fearless Leader's eyes opened up. A cloud of dust was swirling around
his face. Fearless Leader coughed as he fanned the cloud away from his
face and looked at what had caused it. Someone had blown a hole in his
prison cell. People with guns. But who?
"You. You promised. You promised it would all end in November. It
would end! But it hasn't. It's still going! On and on! And on!"
"Umm what?" said Fearless Leader adjusting his eyesight.
"Beige Midnight! You said it would end in November. But here it is
February -- and it's still going! It's still going on!!"
"Death to Beige Midnight!" shouted the rest of the people with guns.
Fearless Leader finally remembered who these people were. He had met
them back in Beige Midnight #1. They were the
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation
Front. "Umm -- well -- it's still kind of April here. April 2008. So..."
"I'm talking about the Real World! It's December in the Real World!"
"Well, when I said November -- I didn't say November 2008. I could have
meant November 2009 or 2010 or..."
"2010! 2010!" The leader of the
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation
Front shoved his gun straight at Fearless Leader's head. "Do you want
to die? Do you want to die?"
"You know if you kill me -- that will just make this whole thing even
longer. They'll have to do a -- umm -- a 'Funeral for Fearless Leader'
miniseries and probably a..."
"Fine!" said the leader as he pulled his gun away. "I just want this
over with. Why can't it be over? Why does it have to keep going on and
on? I have a small child who has never known a RACC without Beige
Midnight! My baby! My poor sweet baby! It can't keep going on and
on... It can't! It just can't!"
"I understand. Believe me, we're doing all we can to stop this thing.
Maybe we can get it finished in March or April."
"April 2009?"
"Umm -- maybe," said Fearless Leader avoiding eye contact with his
fingers crossed behind his back.
"It better be! Because if it isn't -- then well -- We'll do something!
Something!! And it won't be pretty!!"
"I'm sure." Fearless Leader glanced at his watch. "Hmm. Say -- I
don't suppose you people could perhaps give me a lift to say Washington,
DC -- maybe?"
The leader of the
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation
Front shrugged his shoulders. "I guess."
"Thanks."
"Death to Beige Midnight!!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Meanwhile, Back in the Middle East --
For the Bicycle Liberation Front it was a case of another day, another
archaeological treasure hunt.
"Found it," said Fourth Wall Lass. The others crowded around as she
brought forth something that looked like a grunge encrusted gravy boat.
They all stared at it, barely daring to let their hopes be raised
again. After all this time and all these false leads, could this be
what they had been searching for?
"Okay then," said Retcon Lad matter-of-factly. He looked at the others.
"Are we sure this has a genie in it?"
"It fits the description of a genie's lamp," said Anal-Retentive Archive
Kid as he compared the inscription on the tarnished metal with the
diagram in the Junior Word.chuck's Guidebook.
"I can sense the presence of some form of spirit being bound in there,"
agreed Lenny.
"The narrative captions say that this is the plot device we need to pull
off the plan," concluded Fourth Wall Lass.
The Net.Elementalist looked at Retcon Lad. "Dude, it looks like we've
found our magic wishing lamp." His voice deepened into a stentorian
tone, and he joked, "Phenomenal cosmic powers is *ours*!"
"Oh, get away with you," said Retcon Lad with fond exasperation.
"Most of you already *have* phenomenal cosmic power," agreed ARAK. "Or
at least power enough to devastate a country. Which, incidentally, is
why *I'm* not going to be the one doing the wishing."
Fourth Wall Lass nodded. "Power is not the point of the exercise." She
ran a hand through her hair. "So who *does* get to do the wishing?"
"It was your idea," said Retcon Lad to the Net.Elementalist.
"Mine? I thought you came up with the idea!" countered the
Net.Elementalist.
"Oh for crying out loud, *I'll* do it," said Twitter and took the lamp.
"No!" yelled Retcon Lad and the Net.Elementalist together in panic. The
Net.Elementalist slammed a lag field on her before she could do anything
else impulsive, and then carefully took it off her. "Bad Twitter! No
biscuit!"
"This has to be done *really* carefully," said Retcon Lad. "Which is
why we've got the words written out. Anal-Retentive Archive Kid, the
envelope please."
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid opened his Word.chuck's Guidebook again and
took out the piece of paper with the phrasing of the three wishes that
they had oh-so-carefully worked out between them, because they were all
role playing gamers and knew enough to be paranoid about the phrasing of
these things. ARAK looked at Retcon Lad and said, "How about Netty does
the wish, but first you do a pre-emptive retcon so that he doesn't get
tongue tied or anything."
"Sounds like a plan." They all nodded.
The Net.Elementalist looked at Fourth Wall Lass. "Is there anything
that might interrupt us? Any more Al-Qaeda Amerika operatives lurking
about? Any spies for Hex Luthor following us to see what we're up to?
Earthquakes set to go off or alien armadas set to invade?"
She cast her enhanced senses about into the surrounding area. "Nothing."
"Then we're ready to rock," said the Net.Elementalist. He glanced at
the lamp. It was such an innocuous looking object. The notion that it
was so crucial to the fate of the world was rather weird. Especially
considering it wasn't what they could do with it, but the process by
which they come to have possession of it, that was the important thing.
Then without further ado he rubbed it in the traditional manner. A
billow of smoke emerged, also in the traditional manner, and human-like
figure appeared.
The figure was male, had the appearance of middle age, and was handsome.
No fearsome visages with tusks here. His most striking feature was
the way he seemed to glow, as if made from burnished bronze. This, as
ARAK had reminded the others earlier, was because the djinn were in fact
energy beings of whom the classical description was 'composed of
smokeless fire' (or smokeless flame, what with this being the Looniverse
with its net.elements and all). The effect was very impressive, giving
an aura of power that would normally have overawed any human beholding
the djinn, and possibly even flustered them into making a crucial
mistake in what they wished for.
Any regular humans, that is. The Bicycle Liberation Front either were,
or regularly associated with, beings just as powerful, so power for its
own sake just didn't impress them.
Although they did have to work to keep themselves from grinning like
loons at the sheer kewlness of the situation.
The Net.Elementalist coughed, looked at his notes, and asked, "Do I have
the honour of addressing the genie of the lamp?"
"You do."
(Again on ARAK's advice, the Net.Elementalist refrained from enquiring
what the personal djinni's name was.)
"Is it correct that you are bound to the lamp, and must grant three
wishes to the person who possess it?"
"That is correct," the djinni replied, its face adopting just the
faintest trace of distaste. Ah, the djinni thought to itself, another
group of greedy mortals. Let us see how they manage to destroy
themselves and all that they love.
"Then I have a proposition that may be of interest to you," said the
Net.Elementalist. And that was the point at which the conversation
began to run off into a completely bizarre and unexpected direction.
"My first wish," said the Net.Elementalist, "is that you grant all three
of my wishes by the intent of what I mean rather than just the words I
use to express them, and with goodwill rather than malice, and ask for
clarifications in the case of any ambiguities."
"Done," said the djinni. He reluctantly allowed himself to be impressed
by the human's foresight. The djinni noted the looks of intense
interest, clearly greed, which the companions all had. They had
obviously planned this out carefully.
The Net.Elementalist nodded. So far so good, but the next bit was the
tricky part. "Now I will have to explain to you what we're interested
in doing. We have a project in mind. We'd like your help in completing
it. But we don't particularly like the idea of forcing you to help us.
Or even being forced to do anything at all unless there's really
pressing reason. The Legion of Net.Heroes..."
"The Bicycle Liberation Front," corrected Retcon Lad.
"The Bicycle Liberation Front doesn't work that way. So what we'd
propose to do is free you of being the slave of the lamp, and let you
just go about your business as you see fit rather by what other people
force you to do. Then, after we've explained what the project is, you
could decide for yourself whether it's morally and ethically correct to
help us, as a quid pro quo.
"However," said the Net.Elementalist, his voice suddenly developing a
firmer tone. "We actually need to know that you can be trusted to use
that freedom wisely. That you aren't an evil djinni, or haven't gone
mad from imprisonment in the lamp, or anything like that. I'm going to
ask you if we can trust you. If we can, you can go free. If not, we
imprison you and make sure you can't communicate with anyone. Ever again."
And that was the rather terrifying moment that the djinni realised that
the intense looks of the humans had nothing to do with greed. It was
judgement.
"So then," continued the Net.Elementalist. "My second wish is that you
answer this question truthfully and without guile: Are you a righteous
person who we can let free from the slavery of the lamp without
regretting it, and who will then go about his life in peace?"
The djinni felt slightly stunned by all of this. This was unheard of
and could not really be happening. Was he dreaming? Had he gone mad?
Nevertheless, he bowed his head and said in great truthfulness and
sincerity, "I swear upon my life and in the name of Ormazd that I am
righteous soul, and worthy of the favour that you seek to bestow."
The Net.Elementalist looked at Fourth Wall Lass. "Your opinion?"
"Narrative captions says he's telling the truth."
"Lenny?"
The squirrel-yabon stared at the djinni with a miracle of True Seeing.
"He's telling the truth."
"Twitter?"
"He feels anxious but truthful to me."
The Net.Elementalist nodded again. He turned back to the djinni and
proclaimed, "Then my third wish is that you be freed from the lamp, to
go about your life and your business as you think best."
There was a second of stillness that was filled with expectation. The
djinni's gaze was distant, as if paying attention to something that was
beyond any immediate physical presence.
"Free!" exclaimed the djinni. "After so many millennia, I am free!"
And then there was laughter. The Bicycle Liberation Front could not
help but be affected by the sudden mood of joy. They grinned and
slapped each other on the back. It was a good deed well intended and a
good job well done.
"Well," said Anal-Retentive Archive Kid. "With the preliminaries out of
the way, perhaps we should discuss things further over tea and coffee
and chocolate cookies?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The LNHHQ --
Dr. Stomper pulled the glasses off of his face and wiped them with his
labcoat and then put them back on. He looked at the Freedom Chip again.
It was no use. He couldn't figure it out. He didn't understand it.
It made no sense. He was never going to figure it out. Hex Luthor was
going to win and the LNH was going to lose. Why couldn't he figure it
out? He felt stupid. He had never felt this stupid. Maybe it was
emitting some kind of stupid ray that was dulling his brain. No, he had
already thought of that. He went over to his shelf and pulled a book
from it entitled, 'Scientific Ideas so Hard and Complex Only Dr. Stomper
Understands Them,' written by Dr. Vincent 'I'm too smart for this
labcoat' Stomper. He flipped through the book. He could understand
every single concept in this book. But he couldn't understand why this
Freedom Chip worked. How it worked. And he was running out of time.
"Hey ya, Doc! Need some help?"
Dr. Stomper turned around to see who was disturbing him. It was a man
who wore his pants and shirt backwards. Whose shoes were on the wrong
feet. And who had both of his hands stuck in pickle jars. His name was
the Incredibly Stupid Man. And for some reason he hung around the LNHHQ
even though he had never been a member of the LNH and never would be a
member of the LNH. [See LNH Comics Presents #501, for more on that --
Footnote Girl] "Umm, no. And even if I did, you would be the last
possible person in the world that could help me. I'm sorry."
"That's all right. Just had this thought in my umm -- thought thingee
this morning when I umm unsleeped up that made me think that you might
need some help from me. Guess that was stupid."
"Yes," said Dr. Stomper as he continued to study the Freedom Chip.
"So. Making a lot of progress?"
Dr. Stomper sighed as he put the chip down and dug his fingers into his
head. "No. I'm not. I'm not making any progress. I don't understand
this. The more I study this thing the less I understand it. God, it's
no use. I'm never going to figure this out. I'm going to fail."
"Huh. That's weird. Isn't it usually when you study something you
understand it more? Isn't that the way it usually works?"
"Yes. That's the way it usually works."
"Weird. Can I take a look?"
"Fine. Just don't eat it. And be careful."
Incredibly Stupid Man eyeballed the part. "Huh. You know, wouldn't it
be funny if I figured out how this worked instead of you? Me the
Stupidest person in the Looniverse. What would that word be for that --
me understanding something that the smartest person can't? What's that
word?"
"Ironic."
"No. Don't think that's it. But what if this chip was running on that
word-I-can't-think-of energy. Maybe that's why the more you study it
the less you understand. Of course I don't know what I'm talking about
so -- umm..."
"Irony energy. That's what you're talking about. Irony. Oh god.
That's it. That has to be it! That's why I can't understand this chip!
Why I couldn't figure it out! Irony warps everything! Even Irony
detectors can't usually detect irony. God. You're a genius, Incredibly
Stupid Man! You're a genius! Give me that chip back."
"Umm -- I swallowed it."
"That's okay. I've got another one here somewhere. I need to create
some sincerity rays to block the irony in the chip. If I'm right, we
can finally stop these chips once and for all! You might have saved the
Looniverse, Incredibly Stupid Man! I'm sorry about earlier."
"That's okay."
"Say, do you need any help getting those pickle jars off of your hands?"
"Hmm?" The Incredibly Stupid Man looked at his hands. Both of which
were stuck in pickle jars. "Nah. I'll figure it out someday. Thanks
though!"
"Umm. Right. Well, I need to get to work on this. Thanks again,
Incredibly Stupid Man."
"Oh, there's one thing you could do for me, Doc."
"What's that?"
"Open the door for me. My hands are..." He showed his pickle jar hands
to Dr. Stomper.
Dr. Stomper nodded as he opened the door for the Incredibly Stupid Man.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Elsewhere in a fancy mansion in Got.ham City...
Dr. Freddy N. Slip stroked his gray beard as his eyes washed over the
certificate on the wall. His certificate. A certificate that stated
plainly that he, Dr. Freddy N. Slip, was the 'World's Sanest Man'. The
Sanest! His fellow psychiatrists at the Zurich International Psychology
Jamboree Conference had awarded him that. Ah, if only they knew. If
only they knew his dark secret. His very disturbed and very scary dark
secret. What would they and his patients think if they knew the truth?
What would they indeed. Freddy N. Slip took his pipe out of his mouth
and meditated about this for a moment. And at that moment a phone rang.
Dr. Freddy N. Slip rushed over to the phone. His Danger Phone! This
was a phone that only rang when the world or city of Got.ham was in deep
peril. In such peril that only one person -- one person with a very
disturbed and scary dark secret -- could save it. Dr. Freddy N. Slip
picked up the phone.
"Yes. What is it?" A grim look appeared on Dr. Freddy N. Slip face.
"What? No! I don't need a free months supply of Mr. Paprika's 'Wham!
Bam! Thank you, Ma'am!' *Nacho Flavored!* Male Enhancement Pills! Yes,
I'm positive!" Dr. Freddy N. Slip slammed his phone down.
He looked at his watch. It was time.
Time to get out of the mansion.
He went over to a bookshelf and picked out Jacqueline Susann's 'Valley
of the Dolls'. A secret panel in the wall opened revealing a pole. He
jumped into it and slid down the pole. When he reached the ground
floor, he was no longer Dr. Freddy N. Slip, Sanest Man Alive. No.
Wearing a costume covered in Spiders, Snakes, Rats, Scorpions, Little
Plastic Scary Monster, and other incredibly scary creatures he was now a
man beyond the rules of mankind. Beyond our concepts of Sanity. He was
the -- Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man!
He was in a very scary dark cavern filled with very scary equipment,
very scary vehicles, very scary trophies, and a ton of very scary
creatures crawling on the ground. He walked up to a row of glass cases
that held various costumes. One of the cases had a black trenchcoat
covered in silver pins. He touched the glass case. "You were a good
soldier. Like Adler." He glanced to the glass case that held a red,
white, and, blue costume. "And Little-Monkey-wrench Lad. My
Little-Monkey-wrench Lad," he said looking at a glass case that held a
costume with rather skimpy shorts and some monkey wrenches. "You were
all good soldiers." He put his Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man cowl
on his head. "But the war goes on."
"Hey! What about me!" said a ghostly figure of a girl who was dressed
also in a Little-Monkey-wrench costume. The Ghost of
Little-Monkey-wrench Lass. "Where's my damn glass case memorial!? Am I
chopped liver!?"
"Little-Monkey-wrench Lass, he can't hear us," responded the Ghost of
Little-Monkey-wrench Lad. "You just need to calm down and..."
"Calm down? Calm Down!? That's easy for you to say! You've already
got your damn glass case memorial! You know what this is, don't you?
Sexism!"
"Well, maybe since you've never actually appeared in a story before...?"
"And you have!?" she said pointing her finger at The Ghost of
Little-Monkey-wrench Lad.
"Well, umm -- true..."
"He hates women. It's that simple! I mean where's the Captain
Killfile, or Dr. Net.ropolis glass case memorial? Hmm?"
"Well, okay. I can't really explain that."
"I'm going to start an Internet petition! This sexist travesty will not
stand! I will get my glass case memorial!!" The Ghost of
Little-Monkey-wrench Lass disappeared from the
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Cave.
And the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man oblivious of all this climbed
into his Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Tank.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The LNHHQ --
"Testing successful," said Dr. Stomper has he read the print-out. "Need
to get this to Washington." Dr. Stomper picked up the strange looking
device and started to walk out of his lab. He had only enough Sincerium
for one bomb. Hopefully it would work.
"Not so Fast, ProFessor S!" said a man in a labcoat with the letter F
printed all over it.
"Oh, good grief. I don't have time for..." said Dr. Stomper as he
looked at his watch.
"Time? Time is all you have left! For iF it's Friday -- that means
it's F-Day! Dr. F-Day!"
"It's not Friday -- it's Wednesday!"
"Maybe on your Feeble Calendar system, but on my Fabulous Falendar
system Friday is the First day of the week! Yes! Faha! And once I
have Fazed you out of this Foundation, I shall Form a Futopia where F is
Finally the First Letter in the alFabet! And then it will be the
students who get F's who will be the Fenoms and the A+ students who are
the Fools! Fahahah! Fahahhahahaha!!!"
"But Wednesday isn't the first day of the week. The first day is..."
"EnuFF!!! I tire of your smug know-it all remarks! This time you shall
Feel your Fate with my..." Dr. F pulled out some kind of gun out of his
labcoat. "...F-Fazer!!!"
"Umm, right. Why don't we just..."
"No!! This is the Finale, Dr. S! This is your FINALE!!!" Dr. F
blasted the F-Fazer at Dr. Stomper. Dr. Stomper fell to the ground.
"Aaauuurrrggghhhhh!!!!" screamed Dr. Stomper. "What did you do to -- I
can't see! I'm blind! You blinded me!"
"How Freaky Friday! That wasn't supposed to happen! It was supposed to
Form you into a Ferret!" Dr. F examined the muzzle end of his F-Fazer.
"What Flaw has Faulted me this time? Ah, that wire should be
connected right..." Dr. F fixed the faulty connection and accidentally
pressed the Fazer's trigger. "Oh Fuuhh..." said Dr. F as the Fazer's
discharge reached him. This time the F-Fazer worked as Dr. F
transformed into a ferret.
Dr. Stomper stumbled around and eventually caught the ferret. Now where
was the Sincerity Bomb Device?
"Hey, Doc! Wow! You're into ferrets too?" Dr. Stomper recognized the
voice. It was the LNH'r Building Suspense Lad. "I had this uncle who
once had this big ferret farm in Montana. Hmm. That ferret of yours
seems really angry."
"It's not my ferret, Building Suspense Lad. Look, I've gone blind. I
need you to get this Sincerity Bomb to the National Mall at Washington,
DC as fast as you can! And when you get there you'll need to activate
it. The Bomb has three buttons. A Light Beige Button. A Medium Beige
Button. And a Dark Beige Button. You need to hit the Dark Beige
Button. Whatever you do, Do Not Hit the other two buttons? Got it?
Hmm. Maybe you should write all of this down."
"No need, Doc. Go to the National Wall and activate the bomb by hitting
the Dark Beige Button. Got it."
"Good. Now go!" Dr. Stomper could hear Building Suspense Lad rush down
the hallway leaving all alone with just an angry ferret to keep him
company. "Oww!" Correction -- an angry biting ferret.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
End of Part IBeginning of Part II
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The National Mall, Washington, DC --
He looked just like Hector Lopez -- the man most people in the
Looniverse (well, meaning super hardcore fans of the LNH who know about
every obscure member of the LNH no matter how obscure in the Looniverse
because I guess most people in the Looniverse probably wouldn't know who
he was) knew as the LNH member Easily-Discovered Man Lite. But there
was something wrong about him. Maybe it was the twisted smile on his
face. Maybe it was the Yankees baseball cap on his head. Maybe it was
the T-shirt that read, "They Might Be Giants? They're just a band."
Maybe it was the glowing red eyes that were hidden by sunglasses. A
glowing red filled with hate.
"Umm -- not sure why you came that way. BTW, EDM Lite likes the Red Sox
and They Might Be Giants," said a woman who looked at bit like Ripping
Dancer in innocent bystander clothing. Innocent Bystander Clothing
designed by a rather Demented Fashion Designer. As were a number of
other Legion of Net.Villains scattered throughout the crowd.
"Of course I know that. It's called psychological warfare, Dancer."
Mynabird adjusted his holographic disguise a bit. "Besides -- I'm much
too patriotic to kill the President as Mynabird. But as him -- no
problem. No problem at all." Mynabird laughed. "So where is he?"
Ripping Dancer scanned the crowds. "I can't see -- Wait! There! Over
there! Him! That's him!"
"I can't see him," said Mynabird using his suits telescopic sight. "Where?"
"He's disguised as the Ultimate Savior. Umm, didn't I tell you he's a
shapeshifter? Yeah, he's a shapeshifter. A shapeshifter. An immortal
alien lizard shapeshifter. Honest."
Mynabird raised an eyebrow. "Continuity Porn Star. Is he a shapeshifter?"
Continuity Porn Star stepped forward disguised also in innocent
bystander type clothing enough of which obscured his tattoos, which no
one (but someone whom has read *all* of the stories ever posted to RACC
and alt.comics.lnh can possibly look at without going, 'What the hell?'
He removed a black leather glove from his hand. The other villains
averted their eyes from this. Continuity Porn Star gazed at his naked
hand covered totally in continuity porn tattoos. As he gazed into the
tattoos, the pictures started to swirl around at maddening speeds.
After awhile he could see the Ultimate Savior's story. And the current
Ultimate Savior's story. "Yes. He is a shapeshifter. The real
Ultimate Savior is still dead."
"Well, guess you live a little bit longer," Mynabird said as he turned
his mechanical face towards Ripping Dancer.
Ripping Dancer gave a sigh of relief. "Umm thanks. Umm, since the
President won't be here for another 10 minutes could I be excused for a
bit? I need to go to the umm -- ladies room. Is that okay? I really,
really need to go."
"I thought I told you people to take care of that sort of thing before
we left!"
"I really, really have to..."
"Fine!" Mynabird shook his head and then looked at his watch that
wrapped around his gigantic metal wrist. "If you have to go, you have
to go. But be back here in 8 minutes and not one second later!"
"Uh -- thanks." Ripping Dancer quickly made her way to the nearest
facilities.
Mynabird looked around until he spotted the person he needed. "Lucky
Chain Letter Lucy? Follow her. Make sure she comes back."
Lucky Chain Letter Lucy gave a nod and went into the crowd.
"Vector Sublime? Are our people ready?"
Another of the disguised villains nodded. "Yes, Mynabird. All of our
forces are in position. The President is void the moment you give the
word."
"Excellent!" Mynabird felt his cellphone vibrate against his hip.
"Excuse me. Have to take this. Hello? Ah! Yes! What? Are you sure?
Positive? He's in Net.ropolis? Are you sure he's the real one? Very
well. Thank you for telling me. Bye!" Mynabird clicked off his
cellphone. "Continuity Porn Star. Who is the Ultimate Savior that is
standing over there? Who exactly?"
Continuity Porn Star gazed into his palm again. "Some old LNH villain
going by the name Mr. Nasty (tm)."
"Don't you think I might have wanted to know that?"
"Well, you just asked me if he was a shapeshifter and I assumed..."
"Enough!" Myanbird crushed the cellphone in his metal hand. "Call off
Operation Dead President."
"Umm, but what about..." Vector Sublime started to say.
"I said, call it off. This is now a wait and watch mission. We wait
for Ripping Dancer to come back..." Mynabird dump the broken remains of
his cellphone on the ground. "...And we watch as she dies a slow
horrible death."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Hex Luthor walked up to the podium and smiled and waved to the crowd.
The American Flag hung in the background and 'God Bless the USA' by Lee
Greenwood played away.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"So, is it all ready? The flying bikes? Ready to fly?" asked
Cheesecake Eater Lad.
"All of the equipment is ready, my Dessert consuming friend," replied
Kid Kirby.
"That's good." Cheesecake Eater Lad checked his watch. "Wonder where
Dr. Stomper is? Should have been here by now. Hope he's figured out
how to disable the Freedom Chips." He looked at his tv.thingee that he
held in the palm of his hand. "Speech is starting. Guess we better
start mounting."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"We're facing tough times. I know I don't need to tell you that. All
you need to do is look up." Hex Luthor gestured towards the sky. "And
you've seen the footage of the Beige Clock Tower and the Bryttle
Brothers sitting on their massive thrones in the middle of Net.ropolis."
"You know -- every crisis I face, it always brings me back to my first
one. My first tragedy that I had to deal with while I was President.
My most painful tragedy. Holly. My wife." Hex Luthor paused for a
second as he looked into the crowd.
"We met at college. We both wanted to save the world. We were both
dreamers. And we fell in love. She was -- she was..." Hex paused as
he wiped something near his eye. "She was wise beyond her years.
Caring. And beautiful. More beautiful than anything. We got married.
She helped me with my father's business and then with my campaigns for
office. She always had the right bit of advice for me. She always knew
what to do. And we won. I became President. She became First Lady.
It was glorious. It seemed like nothing could stop us. Sadly, that
wasn't the case. A month into my Presidency something bad happened.
Something very bad. There was a -- a car accident. It was -- It
was..." Hex Luthor stopped the speech and closed his eyes. With one
hand he slowly wiped his eyes.
"After the funeral, I -- I didn't know what to do. Holly was gone. I
was lost. I wanted to resign. I couldn't be President -- not without
Holly. I was going to resign. I was ready, but one night before I
could do that I had a dream. And Holly was in the dream. Sweet
beautiful Holly. I knew I was dreaming. Holly, I said. And she smiled
back. This is a dream -- Isn't it, I said to her. And she nodded her
head. You can't quit, she said to me. But I can't -- I started to say.
Dark times are coming, she said to me. America will need you to guide
it. To shepherd it out of this darkness. You have the strength, Hex.
I tried to tell her no, I didn't -- but she said, Yes, you do. America
needs you and you need it. And you don't want to disappoint me do you,
she said. And I said, no -- I don't want to do that. And we hugged.
And I pleaded to her, no, don't go. Don't go. And she said with
sadness in her eyes, I have to go. But we'll meet again one day. After
you've done all of your great work. Goodbye, she said. And I woke up."
"And I knew she was right. I had to keep fighting. Because America
needed me and I needed it. And so I kept being President. And the
great Crises came and I was there to guide America through them.
September the 11th. The Inferno of Flame Wars IV,V, and VI. The Trials
of Jess Willey's Grocery List. The Darkness of the Bride of C'Thulhu.
The Road to Killfile Wars and the Killfile Wars that followed. The
Infinite April. And lest we forget: 'Just Imagine Saxon Brenton's
RACCies!' 'Just Imagine Saxon Brenton Presents the Raccies... Again!'
And of course 'Just Imagine... Saxon Brenton's RACCies on a Plane Filled
with Killer Ninja Gorillas!'"
"And we as Americans and as a World survived through all of these
crises. But now we face what might be the greatest one. The Crisis to
end all crises! And that is why I'm here today with leaders from around
the globe to sign this treaty. The Freedom Chip Free Trade Agreement.
Once it is signed, everyone will have the freedom to choose. A choice
to be safe and be a hero. To have a freedom chip and never worry again.
To finally be free of the terror and evil of the world! To be free!
To Be Free!! TO BE FREE!!!!"
The people in the crowd began to clap loudly and cheer.
Hex Luthor smiled away as the crowd continued to clap. And as the
clapping began to soften he said, "We will all be free! And we will all
be heroes! Thank you. Thank you." Hex Luthor looked over to his left.
"And now before we sign this treaty, my friend and leader of the
Legion of Net.Heroes, the Ultimate Ninja would like to speak to you all.
So let's all give a big round of applause for the One -- the Only --
the Ultimate Ninja!!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
As the Ultimate Ninja walked across the stage in a rather cocky and
pompous manner winking and blowing kisses to the ladies in the crowd
even as one hand of his twirled a Ginsu Katana while the other was
raised in a thumbs up position, one member of the crowd wasn't that
impressed. And that one member of the crowd had anger and disgust in
his eyes. And that one member of the crowd? He was one of the Ultimate
Ninja's oldest and loud mouthiest foes. The MacLaughlin Man -- the
Pundit Supreme!
MacLaughlin Man reached into his overstuffed business suit, which looked
like it was ready to burst and pulled out a weapon. A katana. A Ginsu
Katana! And faster than the words I can think of before I write this
sentence (okay that's not really fast -- how about a lightning bolt with
cheetah powers? That's fast -- right?), the katana left MacLaughlin
Man's hand and blasted toward the Ultimate Ninja breaking through the
various barriers between them. The Sound Barrier. The Light Barrier.
And the Force Field Protecting all the people on Stage from the Crowd
Barrier.
Before the Ultimate Ninja knew what was happening, he noticed a gaping
hole in his chest -- almost cartoonish -- spurting large quantities of
blood. "Ouch," he said as he collapsed to the floor.
The moment that happened a number of Freedom Chippers quickly surrounded
Hex Luthor. A number of other Freedom Chippers and Secret Service
People swarmed over MacLaughlin Man attempting to restrain him. But
they were no match for MacLaughlin Man as he hurled them all away at
blinding speeds. And then MacLaughlin Man looked straight into the wall
of Freedom Chippers who were protecting Hex Luthor. "Hex!" he shouted.
"Hex! You know -- call me crazy, but that Ultimate Ninja I just
killed -- well I don't think he was the real deal. Just so you know.
In fact I'd bet on it. I'd bet the whole world on it. Want to wager,
Hex?" And with that MacLaughlin Man ripped away at his mask to reveal
his true face.
That of the Real Ultimate Ninja.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Now, I have to say, Hex -- all those invulnerable supermen with their
absurd amounts of power you have up there -- they're not going to save
you. No. At the most they'll give you an extra ten seconds. But
that's about it. I've already gone through the battle in my head and
ten seconds is probably incredibly generous. You're going to die. But
I do have a modicum of respect for the office of Presidency and that's
why I'm going to give you this choice that could save your life. Here's
the choice: A) You surrender and confess all your crimes right now or
B) You die. That's your choice. And you should choose pretty quickly.
I've already decided, which one I'm choosing.
Hex Luthor pressed a button on his podium. "A or B?" Hex shook his
head while smiling a devilish smile. "I'm more of a
Think-Outside-of-the-Box kind of guy, Ultimate Ninja -- so I'll choose
C. C for Carly Simon." The song, 'Nobody Does It Better' started to
blast away on the speakers.
The Ultimate Ninja froze. It was as if he was lost in another world.
"Lady -- Lady Heartthrob?" he said as looked at someone who wasn't
there. [See Beige Countdown #1 for who Lady Heartthrob is -- Footnote Girl]
"I knew you'd probably escape so I put the a little bit of extra
insurance in your head just as a precaution. And now you're going to do
whatever I tell you. Kill whoever I tell you. Yes. Who is your
master, Ultimate Ninja? Who is he? Tell me."
The Ultimate Ninja looked blankly at Hex Luthor and said, "You -- you
are my -- my -- my -- Massss--ter."
"Good. That will do for now."
"Wait!" said Vladimir Putin as he stepped up from the table that had all
of the world leaders sitting on it. "What it is this? Who was that
Ultimate Ninja that just died? And who is this Ultimate Ninja? What's
going on here? I demand answers!!" The other world leaders began to
stir in their seats.
"Vlad, as much as I'd love to explain all of this, well it's all a bit
too complicated. Later tonight at the Agreement Party. So lets sign
that Agreement." Hex stared into Vlad's eyes. "Sign the Agreement."
Vladimir Putin got back into his chair and grabbed a pen. "Yes. I need
to sign this agreement. I need to..." Putin tried to scribble his
signature, but nothing would come out. "This pen -- this pen -- it
doesn't work. It's not writing."
"What do you mean it doesn't work? Christ! Well, someone give him a
pen that does work!! I need this Agreement signed!!"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
An intern quickly rushed over with a bunch of pens.
Those pens won't work either, said a man in the crowd in innocent
bystander clothes. A man named Lagneto.
Sorry, Hex, Lagneto smiled to himself. There are other people out here
who want to rule the world. Like me. And you're just an obstacle to
those plans. Don't take it to hard. Maybe next time. Losing is good
for the soul.
Lagneto continued to use his lagging powers on the ink in all of the
pens smiling while he did it.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Why aren't these pens working?" said Hex as he threw the apparently
useless pens he had in his hand on the ground in frustration. "Get more
pens!! Pens that work!!"
"Umm -- Mr. President, there's something you should..."
"Unless you've got a working pen, I'm not interested in your..."
"It's the sky! Mr. President! Look!"
Hex Luthor turned his attention towards the sky. And he saw them.
Hundreds of bicycles. Flying in the sky. Coming towards him. "Him!
It's him! But I'm ready for you. God -- am I ready. Freedom Chippers
-- Destroy them! Destroy them all! No mercy!! Everyone attack!!
Except you, Ultimate Ninja. I want you up here defending me. Kill
anyone who attempts to harm me." The Ultimate Ninja flipped up on stage
ready to kill anyone who tried to harm Hex Luthor. Hex Luthor smiled as
his Freedom Chipper flew off to face the heroes on the flying bicycles.
He looked back on the stage and noticed that Catalyst Lass was still
standing close to him. "You too, Catalyst Lass! Go and fight! This is
an order!"
Catalyst Lass just stood there and smiled. "Which Catalyst Lass are you
talking to, Hexy? The one with the fake Freedom Chip in her head?"
Hex felt a tap on his shoulder. "Or the one with the fake Freedom Chip
in her head," said a voice from behind. Hex turned around to see
another Catalyst Lass. Catalyst Lass and HellCatalyst walked up to each
other, winked at the other, and gave each other a fist bump.
"Take them down, Irony Man!" shouted Hex Luthor as Irony Man landed on
the stage.
"Umm, right. Don't think I'll be doing that. Look, Hex, we need to
call a truce. We can still stop this and make our case for..."
"Our case? We're the ones with the upper hand, Toony! They're
outnumbered 200 to 1!! If they can beat these ones, another wave will
come. And after that another wave. And wave after wave will come till
they break down. Till they can't fight anymore. That's what's going to
happen. It's only a matter of time."
Hex Luthor looked up at the Beige sky where his Freedom Chippers were
doing battle with the Flying Bicycle Riding LNH Resistance. A Thousand
more Freedom Chippers popped into the sky from out of nowhere. "There.
You see, Toony? The Second Wave is here." Hex Luthor smiled.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
A Hard RACC Cafe in Net.ropolis --
Where was she? Easily-Discovered Man Lite looked at his watch. Oh
well. Only an hour late. Probably bad traffic. Just look around at
all of the RACC Memorabilia on the walls. Again. Look at the people in
the restaurant. Eating food. Being served food. Hmm. Is that guy
looking at me? Looks familiar. Oh no. Not here. It has to be him!
Rumor Monger. Brotherhood of Net.Villains. Not today. Not today. Not
this date. There was not going to be some pointless fight scene that
ruined another one of his dates.
Easily-Discovered Man Lite walked over to the bar where Rumor Monger was
sitting as he chatted on his cell-phone. Easily-Discovered Man Lite
opened up his wallet and took out some cash. "Okay. How much? How
much will it take for you to leave this place? How much?"
Rumor Monger clicked off his cell-phone. "Umm? Sorry? Is there a
problem? I'm just having a drink. Do I know you?"
"Yeah, right. Having a drink. And I'm -- I'm umm..." And something
happened. Something that had never happened to Easily-Discovered Man
Lite before. He couldn't think of anything to say. Anything clever.
Anything funny. "I'm -- umm. I -- uh. Damn."
"Wait, you're that Easily-Discovered Man sidekick aren't you? The one
who always has some hilarious quip up his sleeve? Right?"
"Yeah, that's me. I -- I... umm..."
"Have we reached the part where I should be laughing?" asked Rumor Monger.
This was horrible. He couldn't think of anything. Maybe if you look
around the room it will give you some ideas. Television. Hex Luthor
giving a speech. There's got to be something funny in that. Think!
Nothing. Nothing! The funny in my brain is gone!
"I can't do it. I just can't! It's gone. All the jokes I've ever
known. This isn't happening. It can't be happening. I can't say
anything funny!" Easily-Discovered Man Lite sat down. "I need a drink.
Anything!" The bartender poured him some beige colored drink.
"Hey, it's okay. We've all been there. It happens to everybody.
Sometimes you just can't perform. It's perfectly..."
"But it's never happened to me! Never! I always perform! Always! I'm
always funny! Always!!!"
"Have you been taking anything? I've heard rumors about certain
medications that can reduce a persons sense of humor."
Easily-Discovered Man Lite slapped his head with his hand. "I did take
something today, now that I think about it. I took a couple of these
pills." Easily-Discovered Man Lite took a pill bottle out of his pocket
and handed it to Rumor Monger.
Rumor Monger read the bottle. "<Mr. Paprika's 'Wham! Bam! Thank you,
Ma'am!' *Nacho Flavored!* Male Enhancement Pills> 'Now that's a Man's
Male Enhancement Pill!'" Rumor Monger raised an eyebrow.
"You see, Sarcastic Lad gave them to me for my date with Ripping Dancer.
Yeah, that's right! Ripping Dancer! Not that I need them! I don't!
I just thought it would be rude not to use a couple. I just didn't
want to be rude! So, I uh popped a few before I came here."
"Did you read the side effects?"
"Ah, side effects? Side effects? Hah! Uh, well no. I guess I didn't
do that. What are they?"
"Let's see here. Ah, right. May impair the person's ability to pun,
quip, banter, tell dirty limericks, make offensive jokes about a certain
group that reduces that group to an ugly stereotype (especially jokes
involving ninjas..."
"No! Not the Ninja Jokes! Not the Ninja jokes!!"
"Make clever satirical points about pop culture and our society as a
whole, make top ten lists, also may cause a person to turn into a
werewolf..."
"Werewolf?! Tell me there isn't a full moon tonight! Please, tell me!"
"I heard a rumor there might be one."
"Arrrrghghghgh!!!!"
"And also itchy feet. If you have an erection that lasts for more than
48 hours please consult a doctor."
"Arrrrgghghghhg!!!! This date is going to be a disaster!! My ability
to make hilarious banter is the only thing I have going for me!! And
now it's gone! What if it never comes back? Oh god. What if I go
through life as a humorless sidekick whose only skill is to hit bad guys
with a spatula? Is that my life? Never to quip again! Never!!"
"Hmm, did you say that you were dating Ripping Dancer?"
"Uh, yeah I did."
"Then you might be in some luck."
"How?"
"See on the television? Isn't that her ripping the clothes off Manga Man?"
Easily-Discovered Man Lite glanced at the televion set up in the corner
of the bar. "No! That should be me having my clothing ripped by her!
Me! Oh god."
Easily-Discovered Man Lite looked at the drink that the bartender had
given him. He took a swig. "I just realized something. Life isn't
funny. No, not funny at all."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
It would be so easy.
Just push a button and blow him away, thought the
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man as he looked through his
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature-Scope while sitting in his
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature-Tank. Just push a button.
But then you'd be like him, wouldn't you? Just a punk with a tank who
blows people away. Like that punk with a tank that killed your parents.
Oh yeah, you remember that.
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man drifted off into a flashback.
You were just a little numskull weren't you? Dancing like a fool as you
and your parents came out of that ZZ Top Concert. You had the ZZ Top
song 'Pearl Necklace' humming through your brain. Everything was right.
You were completely happy. And then it came. The tank. A tank with
a punk inside it. Your Dad tried to protect you and your Mom, but he
couldn't. The tank blew them both away. And you? You just sat there
and cried. Cried like a baby.
And all that was left were your dead parents lying on the pavement and
pieces of your Mom's white pearl necklace scattering on the ground.
Dead and never coming back. And the ZZ Top song that you couldn't get
out of your head no matter how hard you tried.
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man returned back to the present still
holding his thumb close to the button as he saw the creature posing as
his dead friend the Ultimate Savior smiling at the crowd.
No. The tank is your enemy's weapon. And we don't use the enemy's
weapons. No. And it's a line you can never cross. Never.
And besides. You've got to know. You look at his gigantic bulging
muscles. Bulging and bulging and bulging. At his biceps, his triceps,
and his really large pecs. And you've got to know. Can you take him?
Can you? Are you man enough to take him? Who is the more Macho Man?
Who indeed.
The Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man took his gloves off. He cracked
his hairy knuckles. He got out of his
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature-Tank chair and walked over to the
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature-Tank hatch and opened it up. He gritted
his teeth.
"Time to feel pain," he said grabbing one of the outside handles.
"Time to feel a Whole *Omniverse of Fraggin' Pain*!!!!!!" he growled to
the sky as he leapt out of the tank.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
End of Part IIBeginning of Part III
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Thirsty.
Easily-Discovered Bran Mite was becoming very thirsty.
He was watching the battle between the Freedom Chippers and members of
the LNH Resistence wage on while sitting within the head of the Mynabird
suit (still disguised into looking like Easily-Discovered Man Lite).
His tiny legs crawled over to a tiny soda machine near his command
center and he took out some very tiny quarters to put into the machine.
He pushed some buttons and a tiny little soda can came out. He popped
the cap and took a swig. "Ah," he said in very high pitched voice.
"Now that's mites pop!" An idea popped into his head. He went back to
his command station and started to click various switches and buttons.
Turning the suits head towards Vector Sublime, he started to converse
with her. "Hmm, VS -- I was thinking about how you rewrote the
programming on Dr. Virus Love Freedom Chip. Do you think you could do
that to all of these Freedom Chippers?"
"You want me to French kiss all of them?" she said slightly taken aback.
"Well, no -- I guess not. That would probably attract too much unwanted
attention. Hmm. Maybe you could just scout for some exciting prospects
and convert them."
"As you wish." Vector Sublime split into a number of copies. Each copy
flew off into a different direction.
As she left, Easily-Discovered Bran Mite noticed that some type of
energy was starting to surround his suit and the other people in the
crowd. What was it? Where was it coming from? He clicked a few more
buttons and scanned the area. The energy barrier was coming from Kid Kirby.
"Ah. So, Kirby's trying to protect us poor innocents from the carnage
of battle. How compassionate and merciful of him. But I think we
innocent bystanders are able to take the harsh realities of the real
world. Flying.Altogether.Too.Naked.Villain, please tear down this cosmic
security blanket that's smothering us."
"My pleasure," said a man who thankfully was wearing clothes at the
moment. But how long would that moment last?
Flying.Altogether.Too.Naked.Villain held up his red-tined Trident of
Power and focused it on Kid Kirby's energy blanket. The blanket started
to dissipate as a red energy from the trident washed through the crowd.
A Red Energy bright enough to tear away at the beigeness of the world.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Kid Kirby was at the moment battling at least 40 or so Freedom Chippers.
He could feel the force that was slowly sapping away at his protection
field that was supposed to prevent the innocent bystanders and
historical landmarks from being harmed. A red wave breaking his own wave.
Someone was contesting with his will. Someone almost as powerful as
him. He could start to feel the punches from the Freedom Chippers. The
blasts of energy that were being fired at him.
He could see his teammates being overwhelmed by Hex Luthor's Freedom
Chip Hero Army. He could feel their weariness. And he could see the
beigeness that surrounded it all. A beigeness that no one seemed
powerful enough to lift.
And for a brief second Kid Kirby felt doubt. The doubt didn't last
long, but it bothered him. He shouldn't feel doubt. But he did.
He would try to beat the red energy wave. No! He would beat the energy
wave! But even the Kirbian had limits. And he was reaching them.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Mr. Tiddles slinked off the stage. Everything was a bit too noisy. He
couldn't nap. Not like this. Time to find a quieter place. Time to...
"Not so fast!" Mr. Tiddles felt a hand -- a human female hand -- grab
him by his neck fur. It was the human Catalyst Lass. Or perhaps her
look a like HellCatalyst. He used his full power on her mind. But
nothing happened.
"Tsk. Tsk. What are we going to do with you?" said Catalyst Lass
shaking her finger at him.
"Time to lock him away into the Wittle Kitty Kat Big House, I imagine,"
said the other Catalyst Lass who was holding a tiny cat cage that the
Catalyst Lass who was holding him shoved him into.
"Don't think they have one those, Helly," said Catalyst Lass shutting
the lock.
"Ooh! Then we'll have to make one!" HellCatalyst said with a slightly
crazed look emerging in her eyes. "I can see it now! Pink bars! A
little exercise yarn room! Little adorable kitty kat prison outfits!
Oh, it will be so cute! We have to do this!"
Mr. Tiddles made a scowling face as he hissed.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Felix Landers the hero known as Fearless Leader jumped and twirled his
way into the madness of battle. Dodging out of the way of some of the
Freedom Chippers he made his way behind the stage. He found a place
with good cover. No one would see him here.
He could see Irony Man, Hex Luthor, and the Ultimate Ninja who was
probably wReamicus Maximus guarding Luthor. Or maybe it was another
clone. Didn't really matter.
He readied his weapon. He put in a bullet that could pierce through the
bulletproof glass that guarded Irony Man's eyes. The bullet would break
through the glass, flying through his eye and into his brain killing him
instantly. He had practiced the shot before in the Peril Room. He
could do it. But should he do it?
There was some part of Felix Landers that wanted to do it. Wasn't this
all Irony Man's fault? Hadn't he betrayed the LNH? Hadn't he forced
the LNH into this pointless Civil War? Everyone should be banded
together working to defeat the Bryttle Brothers. That's the way it
should be. But it wasn't. Irony Man had poisoned the LNH. And now the
LNH was weak. Vulnerable when they should be strong. And Ripping
Dancer. It was Irony Man's group that had destroyed her. And maybe the
rest of Irony Man's group were just a bunch of immoral monsters, but
Irony Man should have known better.
But now the world was poisoned because of him. The Beige was smothering
all the goodness out of the world. Everything was decaying. All the
heroes. He was decaying. And some part of him didn't care. It was all
hopeless. He knew this world was doomed.
But isn't this what Dekay and Diskolor wanted? For him to kill Irony
Man. It didn't make sense. No, they didn't want him dead. They wanted
him alive. They wanted him to keep poisoning the world. They were
playing mind games hoping he wouldn't kill him. Yes, that had to be it.
He was going to have to kill him. Because it didn't really matter
anyways. The world was doomed. No one could save it anymore. And
someone had to pay for that.
He pointed the gun and cocked back the hammer. Just one click of the
trigger. One click.
It was now or never. Now. Now!
Fearless Leader put the gun down.
Never, I guess.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Are you talking to me?" said Mr. Nasty (tm) in his Ultimate Savior
guise as he floated above a very angry Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man
who was throwing rubber rats at him.
"Come down and fight me you coward!"
"Didn't I already kill you?" mused Mr. Nasty. "Maybe I'm thinking of
someone else. It's hard to keep track these days. All the animals I've
killed. But no, as much as I'd like to give you your death wish..." he
looked at his watch, "I have much more important people to kill today.
Instead I'll leave you to your former colleagues. Enjoy!" Mr. Nasty
flew off leaving him with the current incarnation of the Saviors of the Net.
There were some of them who the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man
recognized. Old friends. Mood Arrow. The Human Aquarium. Retcon
RACCoon. Arc. The Lava Lamp. And some were new faces. And new
versions of dead members like Captain Killfile. All of them were being
controlled by Freedom Chips.
They surrounded Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man and started to blast
and attack him. Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man gritted his teeth and
began rolling with the punches.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
12 seconds later...
Mr. Nasty scanned the huge battle that was happening looking for the
ones who had scattered his molecules all over Net.ropolis. Ah ha, he
thought as he saw a helpless Bad Timing Boy who was struggling to get
out from under the Flying Bicycle he had crashed to the ground. Looks
like you're going to be the first one. First one today. The only
question was how long he should take. Short. Or long. Maybe just
medium, he thought smiling as he walked over. Couldn't spend all day on
this, which was a shame.
"Hey Ultimate Savior!" cried Bad Timing Boy. "Look out behind you!"
Huh? Did Bad Timing Boy think he was that dumb to fall for...
"Auhhhhrrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!" screamed Mr. Nasty as a wave of lava
splashed down on him.
Mr. Nasty quickly erupted out of the cooling lava mound and reformed
himself into a charred and very warped looking Ultimate Savior. The
handsome messiah looks were gone. All that was left was a monster with
a melted face. He looked to see who was responsible for this and saw to
his amazement the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man with the Lava Lamp
in one hand and the Killfile Gauntlet covering his other hand. A bow
and arrow holder filled with mood arrows was strapped to his back.
"You?! How!? Where are the Saviors?!"
"I tucked them away in a Killfile, Nasty. Are you ready to feel pain?"
Mr. Nasty laughed. "Well, I guess I will have to kill you after all.
Still, with all those toys you're wearing perhaps you'll be a little
more of a challenge."
Mr. Nasty was right. One click on this button, thought
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man to himself, and he could killfile him
away forever. It would be simple. Too simple. And he'd never know.
Who was the contender. And who was the pretender. And he had to know.
He had to know. Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man dumped the Killfile
Gauntlet, Lava Lamp, and Mood Arrows on the ground.
"What -- What the hell are you doing?" said Mr. Nasty in disbelief as he
puzzled over Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man's actions.
"I don't need those things. Just need my hands." He cracked his
knuckles. "And my rubber Rat-A-Rangs." And then a completely insane
expression took over the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man's face and
lunged at Mr. Nasty.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
12 seconds later...
Oh, bleeding. Internal injuries. Must not black out. Broken ribs.
Broken legs. Must fight. Must...
Mr. Nasty gave Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man another kick in the
ribs. "Well, that was kind of fun. But I guess I should finish this
off. I have a lot more people to kill. Can't spend all day with you.
Any last growls?"
"My -- My Little-Monkey-wrench Lad..."
"What the *Hell*?! Does that mean anything?" Mr. Nasty said shrugging
his hands.
"You know, you did have a female sidekick called Little-Monkey-wrench
Lass. Just so you know," said the Ghost of Monkey-wrench Lass.
"*Hush*, Monkey-wrench Lass! He can't hear you. Or me," scolded the
Ghost of Monkey-wrench Lad.
"Whatever," shrugged the Ghost of Monkey-wrench Lass.
"Well, I guess those are your last word. Now, let's see what sound your
head makes as I crush it with my foot. I think it will go crunch, but I
could be wrong." Mr. Nasty lifted his foot up.
Before he could do that though a punch that felt like a thousand ton
Asteroid sent him to the ground. He looked up to see who had hit him.
It was a man whose face couldn't really be seen. His whole body was
brightly glowing the colors Red, White, and Blue. So bright that they
burned away the beige world that surrounded him. So incredibly bright
that Mr. Nasty couldn't look at his face, yet he knew who he was.
"You -- You're Dead!"
"Well, we all know what a revolving door that is," the hero said as he
smiled a smile full of hope blazing like the Sun.
"Kid..." said Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man his last word as he
passed out.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Mr. Nasty thought about making an exit at that point. If this were the
real Ultimate Savior he might not win this battle. Still, there was
something not quite right here. "Where's your Holy Hoop? If you're the
real deal."
"Don't need it anymore. I've gone beyond that. I have the power to
make everything I dream real. Everything I hope real. I can devour the
darkness and transform it into light. I am the kick in Kingdom Come.
And I have you to thank for this."
"Me? Why thank me?"
"Because your killing of my friend the Gothic Gorilla brought me back.
You see the Gothic Gorilla cast one final spell when you killed him.
Didn't you notice the incantation scrawled all over the Gorilla's
shower. But he needed a sacrifice. A blood sacrifice to make his
Resurrection Spell work. And so you helped him do that. You allowed me
to come back. And now that I'm back, I plan to destroy all of the evil
in the world. To make the world a paradise it should have always been.
And you are to thank for all of this. Your murder has saved the world
and made your kind obsolete."
"No! This is a lie! It has to be lie!"
"Are you ready to become History?"
"Never! I'll kill you!! I'll..." Mr. Nasty became a blob and flowed
over the Ultimate Savior and attempted to pour himself inside the ears
and nose and mouth of the Ultimate Savior trying to destroy him within.
But he couldn't enter the Ultimate Savior. And a crackle of Red,
White, and Blue energy surged out of the Ultimate Savior and trapped the
blob into an energy bubble. He focused on the blob and split it into
two parts. The blob screamed an unearthly scream when this happened.
He then focused on both of the energy bubbles causing each one to shrink
compressing the split Mr. Nasty until the blobs had become the size of
marbles. He grabbed both of the energy bubbles in his hand and with his
other hand he created a crack within reality and reached into the crack
grabbing two tiny bottles that were held there.
He opened the bottles and dropped the energy bubbles into separate ones.
And then he closed the bottles. "Now it is your time to go to the
Beginning and to the End, Mr. Nasty." And he mumbled some strange words
and the two bottles disappeared from his hands.
The Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man stumbled over to his friend.
"Kid! Adler! You're -- you're..."
But the image of the Ultimate Savior faded before the
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man could reach him. In his place was a
very weary looking gorilla dressed in black trenchcoat covered in shiny
silver pins.
"Sorry, friend. He's still gone." The Gothic Gorilla sat on the ground
exhausted by the spells he had just preformed. He had little energy left.
"Gone? He was never... it was a trick." A flash of anger overtook the
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man's face. "Why?"
"Thought it would be poetic justice."
"Why didn't you tell me you were still alive?"
"Less people who knew the better my plan would work. I needed the
HexFire Club to be overconfident. The more they thought they were
unstoppable the more careless they'd become. And the more infighting
would happen within the group. Plus I needed to be off the radar to
find those bottles I trapped Mr. Nasty in. They're hard to come by."
"Where did you send him?"
"To the Beginning. And End. More specifically to the Big Bang and Big
Crunch. I think it will take him awhile to get together again."
"I'm -- I'm glad you're back." The Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man
touched the Gothic Gorilla's shoulder. "But. If you *ever* do that to
me again -- Ever. I'll be the one who kills you. Count on it."
The Gothic Gorilla smiled. "I will. Better get you to a hospital."
"No. Fight's not over."
The Gothic Gorilla shook his head. "For us -- it's..." Before the
Gothic Gorilla could continue something in the sky grabbed his
attention. "No! It can't be! He's got the..."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Back in the Middle East --
"Ack!" went Twitter, and suddenly attacked Retcon Lad. "I'm under
control of the Freedom Chip and you're going to have to stop me!" the
speedster exclaimed, even as she was leaping across the cabin of the
flight.thingee and grabbing Retcon Lad by the head and beating his
forehead repeatedly against the wall very quickly. Her speech was a
hurried blurt, but her actions were even faster. By the time the others
were reacting she had already let go of him and letting him slide down
to the floor in a state of dazed shock and was moving on to her next victim.
Who was the Net.Elementalist. He at least had time for a startled
attempt to react, but she was faster. She bounced around the room as he
tried to lag her, anticipating his counter attack both because she had
been on the receiving end of his lag fields before, and because her
telepathy let her subconsciously read and anticipate their reactions.
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid realised this, and yelled, "Everyone attack
her at once! Don't co-ordinate, just dog-pil... OOOF!"
There was a confused moment of fighting, made all the more difficult by
being in an enclosed space. The Net.Elementalist took to the air, or at
least to the ceiling, intending to lag everything on the floor below
him. But while he was gaining the high ground, Twitter had dodged
Fourth Wall Lass, but in turn had had her leg grabbed by ARAK. She
tried disentangling herself by shaking her leg at high speed, and within
half a second had managed to throw him off and also kick ARAK in the
face a few dozen times.
However, that was long enough for the Net.Elementalist target her. He
blanketed the area around her and in process lagged the other
Legionnaires as well. Then he immediately began restricting the region
of lag until it covered only Twitter. Finally, as Lenny (still piloting
the flight.thingee) and the bemused djinni looked on, he descended to
the floor.
"So," said the Net.E. "Despite all the angsting we've through about
whether it was better for Twitter to have the Freedom Chip and perhaps
be used by Hex Luthor, or not have the Chip and not have control of her
powers, we *didn't actually take any precautions* to keep her from
falling under outside control."
"Uhm... no. Doesn't look like it," admitted ARAK, who was using a
handkerchief to staunch the blood flowing from his nose.
The Net.Elementalist rubbed the bridge of his nose wearily. "I've been
living in this universe too long. I'm not supposed to make mistakes
like that," he complained.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
And Useless Background Music Character clicked another button and the
song 'Undun' by the Guess Who turned on.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Washington, DC --
Manga Man made his way towards his Newsgroup.thingee, which allowed him
to shift into other newsgroups. Hex's plan was starting to sour. He
had seen this many times before. He had a sense for the changing tide,
and well -- it didn't look good for the HexFire Club. There would be
other days. Other world conquering plans. But now was the time to
reach for safer shores. Go back home.
It was kind of a shame. For a brief moment, Manga Man thought that Hex
might actually pull it off. But, oh well. That's the way it goes.
Besides the fact that this Beigeness that loomed over everything was
starting to depress him. And it probably wasn't good for his skin.
Time to move on.
He should probably wait it out in rec.arts.manga till Beige Midnight
finished. He wasn't confident that the LNH could defeat the Bryttle
Brothers. Well, they probably could. But who knows? Not something he
would bet on.
Before he could reach his ship, he fell into something. A hole in the
ground? No, more of a tear. That hadn't been there before. His leg
was caught. He then noticed that blades of grass were starting to rip
from the ground. His force field protection was flickering off. He
pushed a button on his belt, but it wasn't working. Something was
tearing through the wires that made it work. Something was coming.
Someone.
He could see her twirling and spinning towards him. His butterfly --
now a hurricane. A breathtaking fury that nothing could stop. His
Ripping Dancer.
"Ah, Tara. You..." He could feel the business suit he was wearing
start to shred apart. "Let's talk this..." But she wasn't listening to
him. And she danced till his last stitch of clothing was completely
shredded on him.
And then she looked at him. There was a dead expression on her face.
No anger. Just contempt. "All your tech weapons. I tore their insides
out. You've got nothing."
"Well. Looks like you've defeated me. And humiliated me, of course,"
said Manga Man as he smirked. "Well done. Guess it's off to jail, right?"
Ripping Dancer shook her head. "No. There's no jail for people like
you. I know you're an ambassador for rec.arts.manga and have diplomatic
immunity. They'll just let you go. And you'll just keep hurting people
and destroying lives. I think I have to end that. No. I am going to
end that."
"And how, may I ask, are you planning on doing that? Going to kill me?"
"Yes. That's the plan. I'm going to shred every part of you."
"If you do that..."
"What? I'll be as bad as you?" Ripping Dancer laughed. "Considering
my current life expectancy -- I can live with that."
"Tara, let's just..."
"No. No more talking." Ripping Dancer pressed her index finger against
her lips. "No. It's time to dance."
"Tara!" The grin fell off of Manga Man's lips. He struggled to remove
his leg from the crevice it was trapped in. Ripping Dancer raised a leg
and both her arms. Her hands touched each other. And like a ballet
dancer she began to spin on one foot. A tear ripped down Manga Man's
cheek revealing a red washed out by the beigeness. Pain shot over Manga
Man's face.
But before more harm could fall onto Manga Man, Ripping Dancer felt a
violent jerk as a hand grabbed her shoulder interrupting her next dance
move.
"You're not doing this, Tara." It was Fearless Leader.
"Do not. Touch!" Ripping Dancer ripped from Fearless Leader's grip. A
tsunami of venom flashed from her eyes.
"You're better than this."
Ripping Dancer laughed. "And you know me so well, right? News flash --
I'm not better than this. Yeah, I'm full of selfish hate. And I don't
care. I want revenge. I want him dead. He deserves it."
"We can't..."
"We can't judge? Of course we can! Well, maybe not you -- Mr.
Purer-than-thou-Boy-Scout Lad. But we can't all be you? Can we?"
"It's Dekay and Diskolor. They're doing this to us. They're decaying
our compassion. Our sense of right and wrong. Our..."
"No. It' me. It's just..." A loud boom interrupted her. She turned
her head around to see a flash of light as Manga Man's newsgroup.thingee
left rec.arts.comics.creative. "You bastard! Look what you -- He's
gone! Because of you -- because of..."
"We'll find him."
"We'll? We're not doing anything! It's over -- don't you get it?
We're not boyfriend and girlfriend! The good times are over! We're
nothing! Nothing!"
"I know. You're in love with Thread Bear. It doesn't..."
"No. It's more than that -- I'm a villain. Don't you get it?"
"Tara."
"You don't get it, do you? What do I need to do? Cackle more? Perhaps
wear something even sluttier than this? Hmm?" Ripping Dancer slid her
finger along her tight torn black leather outfit. "Would you like that?
For me to wear something even sluttier? Hmm? I think you would. I
think you're imagining it right now." Ripping Dancer let out a laugh.
"Tara!" Fearless Leader's eyes were filled with anger.
"We're going to have fight, aren't we? That's the only way you'll truly
know what I am. Hero vs Villain. Then you'll understand."
"I'm not going to fight you."
"Guess you're going to lose then."
"I guess so."
"And what am I going to do when I finish tearing you apart? Hmm? Maybe
I'll tear this whole world in half. Think I have the power to do that?
Guess I'll find that out." Ripping Dancer looked at the world that
surrounded her. "It deserves to be torn apart. This world. It's an
ugly place filled with ugly people. People that can only think of
themselves. Shallow people who can only love what's beautiful. Hateful
ugly people that don't know how good they've got it. Who want so much.
Too much. People who deserve to get cancer because they're so weak.
So weak that they sell their souls. That they -- They deserve -- This
world deserves -- God, it deserves..." A tear fell from Ripping
Dancer's eye. "Just -- just leave. Leave me. Leave. Please."
"I'm not leaving you, Tara. I can't. I'm weak too. I almost fell
today too. I'm weak." Fearless Leader walked over and put his shoulder
around her.
A clapping followed. A loud clapping sound that sounded like two cars
crashing into each other. A sound made by two large black metal hands.
"How melodramatic. Oh, don't get me wrong -- I love the melodrama.
Love that stuff. But still. I was kind of hoping you'd fight. But..."
Fearless Leader and Ripping Dancer both looked back. It was Mynabird
no longer in his EDM Lite disguise, but in his large mechanical black
suit. And behind him were a number of other members of the Legion of
Net.Villains. "They are ways to remedy that. Quench my thirst for
mindless violence. So. Shall we begin this Final Dance?"
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"It had to happen. Sooner or Later."
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad turned around to see who was talking to him.
"Namer Boy?"
It was Namer Boy dressed in the same Freedom Chip Uniforms that the rest
of the Freedom Chippers were dressed in. "Yeah, Namer Boy vs
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad. Don't tell me you never thought this day
would come. Me and you. In a battle -- to the Death!"
"Well, no. Not really. Christ. You put one of those chips in your
head. Why, Namer Boy? Why?"
"Maybe I was sick of watching you and You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough
Lad go on all those cool adventures while I had to stay home because no
one needed me because my powers are -- incredibly lame! But now I've
got a F-Chip in my head! I've got a new power! You should join us
PPOoH Lad. Hex Luthor is the future of the LNH. He's the future of the
world. He's going to win. Join us."
"Um, yeah. Don't think I'm going to do that. So what's your new power?"
"Um, I'd rather not say."
"Come on. We've been friends for over 4 years. You owe at least that
much before we battle. What is your new power?"
"Well, we don't get to choose our powers. The F-Chip does and..."
"What is your power?"
"I have -- I have the power to umm -- mumblemumblemumble..."
"What? What did you say?"
"I said I have the power to give Vampire Chia Pets erections!!"
Both heroes paused.
And as they paused the battle between the Freedom Chippers and LNH
Resistance continued. Brother versus Brother. Father versus Son.
Husband versus Wife. Lover versus Lover. Daughter versus Aunt. Three
Times Removed Cousin versus Great-Great Uncle In-law. Stranger versus
Stranger. House Pet versus House Plant. Kitchen Sink versus Bathroom
Sink. This Civil War split the very Heart of the LNH. A split that
might never heal.
And yes. Friend versus Friend.
"Wow, it sucks to be you," said Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad.
"Yeah," Namer Boy looked down. "Tell me about it."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
A familiar music began to play. Ripping Dancer knew what it was. And
although she could listen to it without feeling the worst effects she
noticed that Felix was being hurt by it. Fearless Leader was being
overwhelmed by the music. All his failures were flooding through his
mind. "What is it -- what's happening?" he said as he was crushed by it.
"It's music no one can dance to, Fearless Leader." The voice was
familiar. The Freedom Chipper Can't-Dance-to-This-Music Lass was
standing behind Mynabird.
"You're with him?"
"Yes, Ripping Dancer. Vector Sublime has shown me that Hex Luthor isn't
the future. The future now belongs to Mynabird."
"She's right you know," Mynabird said as he pointed his finger at
Fearless Leader. Some type of energy blasted from the finger straight
at Fearless Leader. Fearless Leader fell to the ground. "It's all mine."
"What did you...!?" said a shaken Ripping Dancer.
"Oh, nothing much. Just paralyzed him below the neck. Should wear off
in ten minutes or so. Enough time to deal with you. So, was it worth it?"
"Worth it? What?"
"Your revenge against Manga Man. Oh wait. I guess he escaped. Now
he's somewhere out there -- laughing most likely -- someplace you'll
never know where..."
"Actually we know where he is." Both wReamhacker and The Renegade
Programmer hopped into the scene. "You see we figured that more than
likely that Ripping Dancer and Manga Man would meet so we broke into
Manga Man's newsgroup shifter and totally reconfigured the ship's
computer so that it could only go to one newsgroup." wReamhacker
grinned. "Are we awesome or are we *Awesome*?!"
"I believe *Awesome* is the word you're looking for," replied Renegade
Programmer as he downed another snicker bar. "Programming Team
Supreme!" said the two of them bumping fists with each other.
"Which newsgroup?" asked Ripping Dancer.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Something was wrong, thought Manga Man as he scanned the newsgroup he
had just popped into. There was too much color! This wasn't the black
and white world of rec.arts.manga. Where was he?
Two people dressed in long flowing cloaks, face masks, and gloves
floated near his ship.
"Hey guys! I seem to be lost. Could you perhaps...?"
"You dare!" said one of the cloaked men. "You dare defile our world
with your obscene perversion?"
"What? Oh this?" Manga Man said pointing to his very shredded clothes.
"Look, I had a little accident and *heh* this is a funny story. You
see..."
"Enough, Skin Shower! You shall come with us so you can be judged! And
then after that you shall be given the Ultimate Punishment! So say the
Gatekeepers of alt.sex.prudish.prudish.prudes!"
"Whoahh! Wait! Did I mention I'm an Ambassador to rec.arts.manga
and..." Manga Man said as he tried to get his newsgroup shifter to go
anywhere but here.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Oh and just so you know, Mynabird," said wReamhacker pointing his
finger at Mynabird. "We don't really like dancing, so that soul
crushing music doesn't have any effect on us."
"Yeah, and we have Multi-Tasking Man to remind us of all our failures in
life so that won't work on us either," Renegade Programmer pointed out.
"Of course," said Mynabird. "I take it you're also probably immune to
incredibly large programs that know every single LNH'r weakness and can
kill every single one of them. Right?" The half-human half-machine
called the Alt.Imate Ninja began to walk towards the two hackers.
"Um Josh? You know that fight technique that UN taught us?" whispered
wReamhacker to Renegade Programmer.
"Which one?"
"The run-like-hell maneuver?"
"Oh yeah. That one!" nodded Renegade Programmer. And the two hackers
ran like hell as the Alt.Imate Ninja chased them.
"Well, where were we?" said Mynabird turning his attention back to the
Ripping Dancer. "Ah, yes. Was lying to me worth it?"
"Why don't you just get this over with?" said Ripping Dancer as she
glared at him.
Mynabird laughed. "In time. But I think you should understand who's
going to kill you, Tara. Why I'm going to kill you."
"Had a bad childhood?" yawned Ripping Dancer.
"No, actually it was pretty decent. You don't have much respect for me
do you? That's okay." He gestured to the villains from behind him.
"Most of these supervillains in my Legion of Net.Villains don't have any
respect for me either. They think I'm a tool that will help them with
their own grand vision of the world or whatever. And that's fine. Let
them think that. The easiest way to manipulate someone is to make that
person think they're manipulating you." Mynabird made a gesture towards
the sky. "You see today's fight? Two of my biggest rivals, the LNH and
Hex Luthor, are killing each other. It doesn't really matter, which one
wins today because both will be weaker. And me and my LNV will be
stronger. Everything is going my way. Do you understand?" Mynabird
paused and looked straight at Ripping Dancer. "I don't have to kill you
today. In fact I could give you the chance that no one has ever given
you. You could have it all and be true to your spirit."
"I could kill Fearless Leader instead of you. Then I could have Amnesia
erase all of the guilt and memories from your mind. You could then live
the rest of your life guilt free with your true love Thread Bear. You
could be beautiful and free of cancer. This I could give you."
"Wait -- Ripping Dancer is in love with *me*?" gasped Thread Bear.
"Someone could have told me. Guys?"
Mynabird ignored that and continued. "This I could give you, Ripping
Dancer. And all you have to do is say, 'Kill Fearless Leader.' That's
all you have to say. Just 'Kill Fearless Leader' that's it."
"Tara. Take -- the -- deal. Take -- the..." said Fearless Leader still
paralyzed below the neck.
"Don't be stupid, Felix. No. Mynabird is lying. And even if he wasn't
-- No." Ripping Dancer cradled Fearless Leader's head and kissed him on
the forehead. And then she gently placed his head on the ground and
stood up. She looked defiantly at Mynabird. "Kill me -- if you can.
Kill me."
"Fine." Mynabird pointed one of his fingers at her.
Ripping Dancer closed her eyes.
So this was it. Should she say something? No.
She wondered what would happen after it happened. Was there an
afterlife? She had heard tales about LNH'rs going to Hell. A real
place called Hell. Was that where she'd be heading? Maybe.
Maybe there'd be nothing. Just black nothingness. Forever and forever.
And she waited for it.
And waited.
What the hell was taking him so long?
And she opened her eyes.
And in front of her was the back of Captain Continuity.
Mynabird looked at Captain Continuity who was holding the Alt.Imate
Ninja in some cosmic type energy cocoon. The Renegade Programmer and
wReamhack were back also with a number of other LNH'rs. This wasn't
going as planned. This fight wasn't what he wanted. Easily-Discovered
Man Lite wasn't even here. This would be all totally useless. "Well,
Ripping Dancer. Looks like it's your lucky day. Romantic Innuendo.
Free her."
"Umm, are you...?" said Romantic Innuendo hesitating.
"I said free her. And Lagneto? Stop lagging her cancer."
Lagneto nodded his head and made a gesture with his fingers. Suddenly,
Ripping Dancer felt incredibly ill. She clutched at her stomach.
"There. Everything's back to normal. You can have your traitoress back
LNH. I don't need her anymore. Well, nice seeing you."
"And what makes you think you're going anywhere?" said Captain
Continuity grabbing Mynabird quickly by the wrist.
"Hmm. I don't. Perhaps that?" said Mynabird pointing to something that
was happening behind Captain Continuity.
Captain Continuity turned his head slightly. His cosmic senses began to
flare up. "No!" he said realizing what was happening.
Mynabird clicked a button, which caused his arm to snap off freeing him
from Continuity Champs grip and shouted, "Back to Base!" He clicked a
button on his thumb and disappeared. The rest of the Legion of
Net.Villains followed.
Captain Continuity glanced at Mynabird's arm and tossed it to the
ground. Realizing it was too late to stop Mynabird, he blasted off into
the sky to face the new threat.
The rest of the LNH'rs that had gathered here also followed suit.
That left Ripping Dancer and Fearless Leader alone. She began to cradle
his head once more stroking the hairs on his head. She looked at the
new threat that the LNH was battling.
"Tara. It will be okay."
"Yeah," a tear fell from her eye. "I'm sure it will."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Building Suspense Lad stepped right out of the Medium Beige
Flight.Thingee. He had a purple Mohawk where his brown hair used to be.
He started to move quicker as Fuzzy came out.
"I'm going to kill you. I'm going to..."
"Look, Fuzzy. No one can tell what your hair looks like. Relax."
"I can tell! Just turn that damn bomb on."
Building Suspense Lad looked at the Sincerity Bomb that Dr. Stomper had
given him. Which button was he supposed to push? Damn. He had
forgotten. "I can't -- I can't remember which button to push."
"What does it matter -- just try them all."
"But Dr. Stomper said to only push one -- and not push the others."
"Why did he put three buttons on it then? Fine. Give it to me." Fuzzy
took the bomb and thought about it for a second and pushed the first
one. Nothing happened.
She tried the second and then the third one. Still nothing. "This
thing's completely useless. Christ! I'm going to kill Stomper. Kill
him -- if we survive this." Fuzzy looked up into the sky. The battle
was still raging on. She had to figure out how to get this thing
started or else the LNH was going to lose.
She looked up in the sky and saw another thousand or so Freedom Chippers
pop into the sky from out of nowhere.
Just what they needed, Fuzzy sighed.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Hex Luthor turned his head. Something was making an incredible amount
of noise. He could see it off in the distance. Something very big.
Very big. What was it? No. Not that. Not...
"Wow, Hex. That looks like a bike. A really, really big bike," said
Irony Man also seeing the monstrous object coming towards them. "It is
a bike and -- damn, do you think that's...?"
"Of course it is! It's him! But he's not going to get very far. Not
today." Hex turned his head towards the Ultimate Ninja. "Kill him!"
Hex pointed to the King Kong size bicycle that was crushing everything
in its path. "Kill Bicycle Repair Lad! Kill him, Ultimate Ninja!"
The Ultimate Ninja took out his Ginsu Katana and started to walk towards
the monster bike and then stopped. He just stared at the katana and did
nothing else. The bike continued to get closer becoming even bigger and
bigger. The shadow of the bike cast over everything.
"What's he doing? I told you to kill Bicycle Repair Lad! Do it!!" Hex
got right into the ninja's face.
Irony Man waved his hands in front of the ninja's face. "He's fighting
the chip, Hex."
"Can he do that?"
Irony Man laughed. "Of course he can. That's what he does. He fights
everything. And he's going to win. The only surprising thing is that
he hasn't done it by now. But he will. It's over, Hex. Over. We've
got to stop this. We can still make our case. We can still..."
"Yes. It's over." Hex pulled something out of his pocket. "Just not
the way you think."
Time started to slow down. A frozen Irony Man could do nothing to stop
what Hex was about to do.
Hex looked at the golden watch he had in his hand. The metal of the
watch started to twist and turn. The Cosmic Plot Device started to flow
over Hex's skin. He looked at the sky filled with floating statues
locked in battle.
It was time to end this.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
End of Part IIIBeginning of Part IV
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Occultism Kid watched as a dimensional vortex swallowed all of Hex
Luthor's secret occult service. He guessed most of them were Freedom
Chippers that had magic abilities. It was a bit too easy. He could
have sworn that there was some greater power protecting Hex Luthor.
There must be someone else here. But where?
Suddenly Occultism Kid felt a huge attack that knocked him down. He
looked and saw an old LNH foe. i-Mage.
Occultism Kid frowned. "I'm surprised," he said to the i-Mage. "I
honestly wouldn't have thought you'd be one of Hex's lackeys.
Everything that Marvel_Zombie Lad reported indicates that you'd be more
likely to be leading your own group."
The i-Mage sneered and fired off a generic force blast at Occultism Kid.
"And you honestly put credence in anything that your Marvel moron
said?" Occultism Kid parried with a mystic shield, and he noted to
himself that Marvel_Zombie Lad had been right about the i-Mage's
arrogance, at least. "In any case," continued the i-Mage, "Hex made a
generous offer for carving up power after he uses the Legion to take
over the world."
"An offer you couldn't refuse?" Occultism Kid bantered as he conjured
forth a dazzling array of phantasmal serpents and launched them at his
opponent.
The i-Mage snarled. "An offer that Hex Luthor was smart enough to make
worth my while!" He effortlessly disposed of the serpents, using his
powers to grasp by main force the light that the illusions were made up
of and decohering them into a harmless burst of sparkles.
This sparring continued for a while. The two mages had never
encountered each other before, let alone crossed swords, but their
reputations had preceded them and each wanted to test the other's
strengths before committing himself to an irrevocable endgame.
Illusions were cast. Telepathic assaults were beaten back. Force
blasts flew thick and fast. Goads were made with Bigby's Offensive
Finger.
Occultism Kid grew a little nonplussed. He'd been half expecting the
i-Mage to have a powerful but not particularly deep mastery of magic.
He'd hoped to do an end-run around the i-Mage's defenses by calling on
some esoteric spell from the Marvel or DC canon. But every time he
tried to do that, or even use something from even more obscure from a
non-comic book setting, the i-Mage was able to counter it.
How about non-magical combat then?
He dodged a phalanx of grasping tentacles and cast a metamagic spell
that would exclude all magical energy from the area. No sooner had
Occultism Kid done this then he was running forward, intent on catching
the i-Mage by surprise. He needn't have bothered. No sooner was the
magical exclusion been enacted than the i-Mage collapsed and his head
fell off!
Occultism Kid stared in astonishment at the fallen figure. He carefully
turned over the head, and discovered it to be no more than a generic
plaster store mannequin. The body, likewise, was nothing more than a
plaster figure dressed up in the i-Mage's robes.
"The devil," swore Occultism Kid to himself. It turned out that the
i-Mage hadn't bothered to come to the battle after all.
He turned his attention to the rest of the battle that was happening and
noticed that Hex was now using the Cosmic Plot Device.
Damn. He had been distracted by i-Mage. He needed to stop this now.
"Wikiboy revert! Revert to previous edit! Wikiboy! Revert!" Nothing
was happening. Wikiboy wasn't listening to him. Why wasn't he
listening to him? "Wikiboy revert to last edit! Revert!!" Nothing.
This wasn't good.
Fortunately for Occultism Kid, Hex wasn't paying attention to him
either. Too busy fighting Kid Kirby and Captain Continuity -- and a
number of other LNH'rs.
He needed to think of something quick.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Hex Luthor hesitated as he looked at Cosmic Plot Device still in his
hand. He would have to accept it all. All of the power. No more
slivers of power. If he were going to defeat the LNH he'd have to take
it all in. Some parts of his brain, maybe the Old mad scientist Luthor
or perhaps the New Business minded Luthor, were telling him not to do
it. They were afraid. Afraid of being devoured by it. But if he
didn't then he'd lose. He'd lose it all. He had to accept it. He had
to. He couldn't lose. Not again.
He made his choice.
And he drowned in the power.
The Cosmic Plot Device started to crawl over him. Soak within him. It
was an ocean! An ocean that went forever! Larger than all the
universes that had ever been. And after awhile within the frozen time
frame he was in -- he was the Cosmic Plot Device. And it was him.
His skin was completely gold covered in his business suit. His eyes
were black like pieces of obsidian.
He could hear a song. Where was that song coming from? It was the
Cosmic Plot Device. Talking to him. It was a wonderful sound. The
people below him started to become less and less real. He muted the
noise of the rabble and focused on the song. A song that was the
reality of the world. The only reality.
He flew into the air. It was strange. Some part of him flashed back to
when he was a kid. It was at some birthday party. Some kid had a tree
house. And he had climbed up it with no problem. But going down was a
problem. He couldn't do it. It was too far up. He was afraid. They
had to call some fire people to get him down. His father had been very
disappointed. Very disappointed.
But now. It was different. He could do anything. He could crush an
entire galaxy by just thinking of it. He looked down at all the heroes.
They were so little. So little.
He looked at Bicycle Repair Lad on top of his Very, Very, Big Monster
Bike. Hex laughed. He could kill him. It wouldn't take much. Hex let
time speed up.
He blinked and the Monster Bike disappeared. Bicycle Repair Lad was
being held up by nothing. And he started to fall. Captain Continuity
caught him before he hit the ground. Hex thought about blasting him
away right then, but no. That would be no fun. No. Bicycle Repair Lad
would be the last to die. He'd have to watch Hex make a Mountain of
Corpses out of his comrades. Yes.
Captain Continuity quickly flashed over and punched him. It was a punch
that could kill a star. But it just made Hex laugh. Kid Kirby came to
join in the fun. Hex watched as they punched and blasted away at him
for a few minutes. And then he started to fight back. With the snap of
a finger Hex transformed Kid Kirby into a frog. He turned Captain
Continuity into a lifeless action figure still wrapped in a plastic case.
He saw the Ultimate Ninja who had by now broken free of his Freedom Chip
and was busy throwing ninja bushes and Ginsu Katanas at him. With a
blink of the eye, the Ultimate Ninja's bones became jello.
He saw the Gothic Gorilla talking to the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature
Man. Wasn't the gorilla supposed to be dead? Hex didn't like that.
That sort of thing really cheapened the meaning of death. No. This
wouldn't do. He'd have to fix this. And with that thought, he pointed
his finger at the Arcane Ape and a blast of energy engulfed the gorilla.
What was left were some charred skeletal remains and a black
trenchcoat. This time you stay dead.
Hex looked around. Where were the other potential threats? Where was
Occultism Kid? Ah. There he was. Talking to some female LNH'r. With
a wave of the hand, he caused Occultism Kid to transform into a New Age
crystal. First the legs and then the rest of the body. And finally the
head.
Who next?
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Occultism Kid was frantic. He ran through all the possibilities in his
head. Why wasn't Wikiboy reverting? Was it a communication problem?
Wikiboy had been turned into inanimate objects before and there had been
no problem. But then again turning into a stop sign was one thing --
turning into a part and becoming one with the Cosmic Plot Device was
quite another. Could the Cosmic Plot Device be preventing Wikiboy from
hearing any commands?
He needed to communicate with the Cosmic Plot Device. But how? Only
someone who was using the device could understand it -- could...
No wait. He needed someone who could speak to the Cosmic Plot Devices.
There had to be someone in the LNH.
Think. Who could do that? Who could...?
Of course!
Occultism Kid quickly scanned the battle and saw whom he needed. He ran
over to where Browsing Boy and Linguist Lass were fighting several
Freedom Chippers. He chanted a spell and the Freedom Chippers collapsed
to the ground.
"Uh, thanks, Occultism Kid. What did you...?" said a puzzled Browsing Boy.
"I put them to sleep. Will only last a few minutes. Linguist Lass -- I
need your help."
"Sure, what for?" asked Linguist Lass.
"I need you to talk to the Cosmic Plot Device. Wikiboy is part of it.
I need you to..."
"Occultism Kid! Your legs are turning to crystal!" shouted Browsing Boy.
"You need to revert -- revert him to previous -- edit. You need to..."
Occultism Kid's face was gripped with pain as his whole body began to
turn into a New Age crystal. "The Cosmic Plot Device! Talk to..." But
he couldn't finish. The lower part of his face was now crystal. And a
few seconds later -- all of him.
"What was he talking about, Anne?" said Browsing Boy, who was obviously
in great need of a hearing aid.
"Wikiboy is part of the Cosmic Plot Device. And I have to talk to it."
She turned her head towards Hex Luthor. "I have to talk to the Cosmic
Plot Device."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Linguist Lass focused her mind on the Cosmic Plot Device that was
wrapped around Hex Luthor's skin. She'd have to be careful. She didn't
want Hex to be aware of what she was doing. She relaxed and started to
work. Using her ability to absorb any language, she began to soak up
everything. Every single word. Although it wasn't really words -- it
was tunes. An almost endless amount of musical notes that ranged within
trillions of octaves. It was too much. Linguist Lass ripped herself
from the bond.
Browsing Boy caught her as she started to fall. "You okay? Did you
connect?"
"Yes. It was -- It was Beautiful. Horrible. Sad. Funny. Everything.
A Song older than Everything. Nothing can stop it. It's beyond --
beyond our..." Linguist Lass stopped and caught her breath. "I can't
talk to it. I can't sing the notes -- the notes. They're too -- it's
just not possible! The ranges are beyond any human. Any..."
"Even Sing-Along Lass?"
Linguist Lass gave her face a slap. "Oh my god. Sing-Along Lass!" She
gave Browsing Boy a kiss. "Now I know why I married you."
"Thought it was for my incredible tongue browsing techniques," grinned
Browsing Boy.
Linguist Lass gave her husband a playful slap. "Later. But right now
-- we need to find Sing-Along Lass. Quickly. God. Hope this works."
Browsing Boy nodded and used his powers to browse the crowd.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Fuzzy pressed various buttons a few more time.
"Damn it! Why won't this stupid thing work!?" Fuzzy resisted the urge
to throw it at Building Suspense Lad.
"Maybe I could take a crack at it. Have a knack for fixing stuff." The
voice came from a rather large man in a trenchcoat who was standing in
the shadow of a large tree. He had a big ass knife in his hand.
"And you are?" said an unimpressed Fuzzy.
"That's the Knife Fight Dude!" piped up Building Suspense Lad.
"Oh right." Fuzzy rolled her eyes. "That creepy psychopath that's
always hanging around the LNHQ. What's your deal? Are you a member or
just some sick LNH groupie?"
"Hey. I have feelings," said a sad Knife Fight Dude clearly hurt by
Fuzzy's attack on him.
Fuzzy sighed. "Right. Sorry. It's been a bad day."
"Like I said, I'm good with mechanical objects." Knife Fight Dude
pointed his big ass knife at the Sincerity Bomb.
"Fine. Not like I'm getting anywhere with it. That's for sure." Fuzzy
tossed it to him.
The Knife Fight Dude examined it closely and then carefully placed it on
the ground. And then he said in a clear voice, "Strange Looking
Mechanical Device -- I... What? What did you say? Did you just call
my mother a whore? How dare you! HOW DARE YOU! My mother was a good
woman! A strong woman! She cooked and cleaned for all of my brothers
and sisters! And she taught us all how to knife fight!! You are a
liar, sir. You have no right! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!!! I challenge you,
sir! I challenge you to a..." The Knife Fight Dude cleared his voice
and continued, "A KNIFE FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!" And after that he started
savagely stabbing at the Sincerity Bomb as his voice raged to the heavens.
Fuzzy put her hand over her head and thought to herself, This isn't
happening. I'm having some horrible nightmare and I'll wake up. Yes.
I'll wake up.
And after a number of savage stabs, a light started to flash on Dr.
Stomper's Sincerity Bomb. And it started to beep loudly. The Knife
Fight Dude stepped back. A beam of light shot out from the bomb. And a
huge burst of light flashed out all over the city of Washington, D.C.
Sincerity bathed the air. Freedom Chips started to click off all over
the city.
Everyone was free.
Completely Free.
"There. Fixed it," said the Knife Fight Dude as he walked off into the
Sunset (well if there had been a Sun in the sky and the time had been
Sunset time -- so -- I guess not. I guess he didn't walk off into the
sunset. Sue me.) "And remember Kids," he said facing another
direction. "There's no problem in the world so big that it can't be
solved by clear rational thinking and a..." he rubbed his chin
thoughtfully, "A KNIFE FIGHT!!!!!!!" He waved his big ass knife in the
sky while growling.
"Who's he talking to?" asked Fuzzy.
"I have no idea," shrugged Building Suspense Lad.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Carina Paschell -- also known as Sing Along Lass -- glanced at the frog
that was hopping near her. "You'll be all right, Kid Kirby. We'll find
a way -- a way to get you back to normal. Or if not, we'll build you a
nice pond to swim in."
"Can you do this?" asked Linguist Lass.
"Do I have a choice? Yeah, I can do it." Sing Along Lass gargled a bit
from a cup of water and spat it out.
"Why isn't he looking at us?" said Psionic Lad has he watched Hex Luthor.
"Drunk with power," answered Sing Along Lass. "I know what it's like.
When I was one with the Power Kirby -- well, everything becomes a
shadow. Nothing feels real. You've got all this power and -- He can't
see us. We're nothing to him."
"For now at least. I'm not sure he'll keep ignoring us when you start
singing. Are you ready to do this?" asked Linguist Lass
"Yes." The three took each others hands and formed a triangle.
"When I connect with the Cosmic Plot Device -- Laertes -- I want you to
read all my thoughts and transfer them to Carina."
"Got it," said Psionic Lad.
"And Carina -- you have to get every tune and note right."
"I will," nodded Sing Along Lass.
"Well, let's do this then." And Linguist Lass connected.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Catalyst Lass. Yes.
That's who should be next. She needed to pay. To pay for what she did.
Trying to make me look like a fool, thought Hex to himself. Make me a
fool.
Her and that look-a-like of hers. What could he do to them? So many
things. But what? Ah, maybe he could merge them into some grotesque
Siamese twin creature. Yes, that had possibilities. Where were they
anyway?
Hex surveyed the landscape. Where had they gone to? As he looked
around his eyes paused. Some hero had caught Hex's attention. Who was he?
Using the Cosmic Plot Device, a search engine in his mind connected to
the Internet. At speeds faster than light, he had a name.
Obscure Triva Lad.
Power: The ability to answer any obscure trivia question.
What nonsense. What utter ridiculous nonsense!
Why was the Cosmic Plot Device fixated on this particular hero? What
was he not seeing?
He needed to ignore this. This was a waste of time. He didn't care
what this hero was.
But now he couldn't stop looking. Why was this hero bothering him so much?
He continued to read Obscure Trivia Lad's roster entry.
Shapeshifter. Died. Now was in a Metal Liquid Body. Android.
Android.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"It was back in '92. Right after the Cry.Sig. I had a plan that
involved the broken pieces of the Cosmic Plot Device," Dr. Killfile
started to say.
Hex Luthor was in a prison cell.
In the past.
A past that had never been.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
There was something about that. What was it?
What was it he was trying to remember?
Think!
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"I had found two of the pieces and I used them to build some androids.
The pieces powered the androids."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"The pieces powered the androids."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"The androids."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"The androids."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"I called one of the androids, Aunt Comic Relief." Dr. Killfile
chuckled to himself.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The Androids.
The...
This was the android!
The other android that Dr. Killfile had made!
He had the last piece.
The last piece!
But he already had it, it didn't make any...
Hex Luthor's right hand started to crackle with power. Power from the
Cosmic Plot Device as he prepared to find out what exactly was inside
Obscure Trivia Lad.
But before he could do that he felt a burst. A burst of Sincerity
Energy. What caused it? He could feel all of the Freedom Chips start
to shut down. Who? Who would dare? Someone would suffer for this.
Someone would...
And also at that moment, he could hear a song. It wasn't the Cosmic
Plot Device's Song. But it had a similar tune. Who was singing it?
Who was...?
To many things to deal with. Have to choose one. The singing. He'd
deal with that first.
He followed the tune with his ears. There. Standing in a triangle --
holding hands. Two women and a man. He searched for their names.
Linguist Lass. Psionic Lad.
And Sing-Along Lass.
He needed to slow time down. He needed to...
A crack formed in his golden skin.
It wasn't working. Time wasn't slowing. Time wasn't...
Another crack formed.
He had been tricked. Some how he had...
He had to...
He looked at his hand. It was no longer covered in gold. No. It was
beige. A beige clay like substance that was cracking. Flaking. It was
flaking away.
It was falling. Falling to the ground.
And so was he.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
As Hex fell, the piece that Wikiboy had been edited to resemble reverted
back to his last edit (which was basically a powerless Wikiboy with a
Beaver tail -- courtesy Master Blaster).
Wikiboy transformed halfway between the inside of Hex's T-shirt and boxers.
As the two (now very, very uncomfortably) fell, Wikiboy thought to
himself, Why me?
Why oh why?
**** <<--BM-->> ****
As Linguist Lass watched Hex Luthor fall she remembered about WikiBoy.
"WikiBoy! You can teleport!" WikiBoy teleported a few times before he
fell down hard. "Oh, ouch! Guess I should've given him the power of
flight too. Sorry! WikiBoy! You have incredibly fast healing factor!
And you can shut down any pain feelings!" She and a few other LNH'rs
went to check to see if WikiBoy was all right.
As they did that, Hex Luthor, who had fallen even harder opened his
eyes. The pain he was feeling was excruciating. Broken legs. Broken
arm. He wanted to pass out. But no. He couldn't do that. If he did,
he'd lose. And he wasn't going to lose. Not today!
He glared at the heroes who were probably celebrating their defeat of
him. "Do you think I'm finished?" he muttered to himself. "Do you
think this is it? Just because you beat my HexFire Club? Took away my
Freedom Chips? Broke my Cosmic Plot Device -- You think it's over?!
No. I'm Hex Luthor. I've always got something -- something up my..."
He moved his broken arm. The pain was enormous. He bit his lip and
pulled a sleeve up. Under that sleeve was a wristband. A wristband
with a button. His finger started to...
But before he could push it from out of nowhere came a flying bicycle
wheel that smacked Hex right in the face knocking him out.
"No, Hex," said Bicycle Repair Lad with another bicycle wheel in his
hand just incase. "This time it's over. No more button pushing. No
more reality rewriting. This time you lose."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Back in Washington, DC --
This had all happened before.
Obscure Trivia Lad had seen all of this somewhere. Catalyst Lass was
walking towards them.
"Hey, gang! Good job here!" said Catalyst Lass as she went over to
congratulate Sing Along Lass, Linguist Lass, and the rest of the LNH'rs
involved in bringing Hex down.
Next Cheesecake Eater Lad would speak.
"Yeah, nice work," said Cheesecake Eater Lad. He picked up a plastic
case on the ground that had a Captain Continuity action figure in it.
"But still -- Cheeezus! Look at us. Hex took out all our Big Guns.
How can we stop Bart or Mynabird -- much less the Bryttle Brothers like
this? They're gone. Ultimate Ninja. Kid Kirby. Occultism Kid..."
"We'll figure something out," said Catalyst Lass.
Obscure Triva Lad had seen this all before. It was a reoccurring dream
he had. Not as reoccurring as the one involving him being naked on the
game-show Jeopardy. But reoccurring all the same.
He looked at the quivering body of the Ultimate Ninja. Bones of Jello.
Trying to stand up.
Occultism Kid as a big New Age Crystal.
And Obscure Trivia Lad knew what he had to do. "Catalyst Lass? Obscure
Triva Lad has an idea. Catalyst Lass needs to tell WikiBoy to be able
to resist being corrupted by the Cosmic Plot Device. Then you should
tell WikiBoy that he has the power to absorb all of the Cosmic Plot
Device pieces within him. Then tell him to use the fully restored
Cosmic Plot Device to help undo all of Hex Luthor's damage."
"Hmm. Well, that could work. And it's not like we're using WikiBoy as
a deus ex machina. More like using the Cosmic Plot Device as a deus ex
machina. It's worth a shot." Catalyst Lass flashed a smile towards
Obscure Trivia Lad. "Good idea, Obscury! Wikiboy? Need you here,
sweetie."
And then Catalyst Lass started to edit WikiBoy. "WikiBoy. You cannot
be corrupted by the Cosmic Plot Device. And can only use it for what I
tell you to use it for -- Got it?"
WikiBoy nodded.
Obscure Trivia Lad's liquid metal heart began to beat faster.
Catalyst Lass continued. "You have the power to absorb every single
piece of the Cosmic Plot Device and put them into you."
Obscure Trivia Lad wondered what would it be like. What would it...
"Now use that power, WikiBoy. Use it!"
WikiBoy started to glow. Pieces of the Cosmic Plot Device began to
disappear from off the ground. Obscure Trivia Lad could feel his own
piece start to move and...
Everything was becoming brighter. Everything. So bright. Brighter.
And...
Then it was all white.
White was originally the national auto racing color of Japan until
international racing colors were abandoned due to sponsorship, thought
Obscure Trivia Lad.
And then...
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Obscure Trivia Lad's eyes grew blank. And his android body fell.
Catalyst Lass and the rest looked back as they heard the thud.
"Obscury? What happened?"
"Probably some aftereffect from the Hex Luthor battle," said Theory Man
using his power to come up with the completely wrong explanation. "Or
maybe not enough Gatorade?"
"Well, hopefully WikiBoy can fix him." Catalyst Lass looked back at
WikiBoy. "Bring them back, WikiBoy."
WikiBoy nodded and walked over to the Ultimate Ninja and gave him back
his skeleton. And after that he restored Kid Kirby and Captain
Continuity. And then Occultism Kid. And then the next one and the next
one.
Until finally he came to the charred remains of the Gothic Gorilla. He
tried to use the Cosmic Plot Device to bring the Arcane Ape back to
life. But it wasn't working. He tried and tried, but nothing was
happening. The Gothic Gorilla was just a bunch of charred bones. "I'm
sorry," he said eventually to the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man.
"It's not working. I can't bring him back. I'm sorry."
The Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man's sad face gave an understanding nod.
WikiBoy walked over to the lifeless body of Obscure Trivia Lad. He
tried again. Using the power of the Cosmic Plot Device. But still
nothing. WikiBoy looked over towards Occultism Kid. "Why isn't it
working? Why can't I bring back the Gothic Gorilla and Obscure Trivia Lad?"
"You've got the Cosmic Plot Device in you WikiBoy?" WikiBoy nodded.
"Maybe it's too much like a Deus Ex Machina. The Writers told us that
WikiBoy could never be used as a Deus Ex Machina again. And maybe they
feel this comes too close. Maybe there had to be sacrifices for this to
work -- And Gothic Gorilla and Obscure Trivia Lad are those sacrifices.
I don't know." Occultism Kid looked at the body of Obscure Trivia
Lad. "WikiBoy give me the piece you took from him."
"Obscury had a piece of the Cosmic Plot Device in him?" asked Catalyst Lass.
Occultism Kid nodded. "It's what was keeping him alive."
"Why didn't he...?" Catalyst Lass started to say.
"He did what he had to do. To bring the others back. To bring me..."
Occultism Kid took the Cosmic Plot Device shard and while chanting a
spell put it back inside Obscure Trivia Lad. "Maybe. Just maybe."
But it didn't work.
Obscure Trivia Lad was still dead.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Bicycle Repair Lad examined the wristband he had taken from Hex. A
portable Cosmic Reset Button? "I wonder what Brave New World Hex was
going to create this time?"
"Could I have that, my Bicycle Healing friend?" said Kid Kirby. Bicycle
Repair Lad nodded and gave it to the Cosmic Crusader. "Nay! Tis best
that we never know! Tis too dangerous for a device like this to remain
in this mortal realm!" Using his finger Kid Kirby created a crack in
reality. A pocket dimension. He put it carefully in this new dimension
and then using the same finger closed it up again.
"For the best I suppose. I wonder if we'll ever return reality to what
it should have been."
"Maybe... Someday!"
"He wasn't like this. Hex, I mean. He was evil, but in a goofy sort of
way. Pushing the button changed him."
Kid Kirby shook his head. "Nay! It was power that changed him! Power
magnifies our good -- and our evil!"
"I guess." Bicycle Repair looked at the bicycle wheel he still had in
his hand. Where did it go? Where did it belong, he thought looking at
all of the wreckage.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
The Ultimate Ninja walked over to where Hex Luthor was being put into an
Ambulance. He could see the Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man limping
towards Hex too.
"I'm sorry about your friend, Mr. Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man,"
Hex Luthor began to say. "I was being controlled. The device was
controlling me. It made me do all of those horrible things.
Unthinkable acts. In many ways I'm as much of a victim as..."
"You lying piece of..." The Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man punched
and kicked two of the secret service men that were guarding Hex. The
Ultimate Ninja quickly hurled himself over there and pinched one of the
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man's nerve clusters. The
Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man fell to the ground.
"You." Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man eyes gazed at the Ultimate
Ninja. "You Hypocrite! You get to kill wReamicus and..." he said with
rage in his voice.
"In all honesty, I had expected wReamicus to catch the katana. Speaking
of -- where is he?"
"Umm, wReamicus?" said Cannon Fodder. "Well, we have the clones
Ultimate Ninja body. But the brain -- well, it's missing."
"Missing? His brain is missing? You know there's a joke somewhere
there, but Jesus! Why can't these villains -- oh well. Deal with that
some other time. As for not letting you kill Hex, VDSC-Man -- well, as
much as I'd love to hand him over to you -- No. At this time an
assassination would just complicate matters. I think better to let the
legal system do its thing."
"You're on my list ninja." The Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man glared
at the Ultimate Ninja. "The list of people who are in for a major
hurting once I fully heal. Count on it!"
"Yeah, yeah. Someone -- get him to a hospital." Then the Ultimate
Ninja turned his attention towards Hex Luthor. "But not you, Hex..."
The Ultimate Ninja pointed the sharp part of his katana at the
President. "We still have stuff to discuss."
Irony Man landed right near then at that moment. "UN, we should talk."
"You know, Toony, shouldn't you be hiding away in the darkest hole you
can find? Because right now -- I'm trying to think of reasons why I
shouldn't just sever your head and put it on a spike to be displayed in
the LNHHQ's front yard. I'm trying to think of one good reason and I
can't. So maybe you should be trying to find that hole. Just maybe."
The katana in the ninja's hand shifted its direction towards Irony Man.
"Look. I know I've committed some actions that are hard to comprehend,
but..."
"Hard to comprehend?" said Cannon Fodder shaking his head. "You helped
a bunch of supervillains take over the LNH!"
"I was trying to save the world. Charlie Hustle came from the future
and showed me..."
"You did this because Pete Rose told you too?" said the Ultimate Ninja
with disbelief in his eyes.
"No -- not Pete Rose. This is a different Charlie Hustle. Some member
of the LNH from the future."
"Yeah, I know who he's talking about," said Fuzzy. "Back during
Infinite Leadership Crisis, some timetraveler type tried to convince the
LNH to assassinate the President. Wonderful guy." [See LNH Comics
Presents #58 -- Footnote Girl]
"It wasn't just him -- my future self also told me that I had to ally
with Hex to save the world from Beige Midnight. But we don't need Hex
any more. It's the Freedom Chips. That's how we'll be Dekay and
Diskolor. We just need to carry out Hex's plan and..."
"And what, Irony Man? Take control of billions of people's minds.
Billions of sacrificial lambs for Dekay and Diskolor to kill?" said the
Ultimate Ninja.
"Yeah, billions might die. But the Looniverse will still live.
Humanity will still survive."
The Ultimate Ninja shook his head. "It's not going to happen. We're
the LNH. We're better than that. We'll figure something out that
doesn't involve billions dying."
"There's no point in trying to explain this to them, Toony," said Hex
Luthor lying on a stretcher in the back of the ambulance. "Their puny
Manichean entrenched Neanderthal hero brains just can't handle it. It's
funny. I try to save the world. And I'm the bad guy. And now the LNH
is going to serve the world to the Bryttles on a silver platter. That's
funny. Give yourselves a pat on the back LNH. You deserve it." Hex
started to laugh, which was probably a very bad idea since his ribs were
broken. Hex stopped laughing and winced in agony.
"Get him out of here!" yelled the Ultimate Ninja.
"UN? What are we going to do about the Freedom Chippers? They're free
from the chips, but they still have powers. And the rest of the world
including all of the Freedom Chippers in the LNHHQ are still under
Freedom Chip control," interrupted Cheesecake Eater Lad.
"Good point. Hmm. Give me you're com.thingee." The Ultimate Ninja
grabbed Cheesecake Eater Lad's com.thingee and clicked it on.
"Multi-Tasking Man? It's me. The Real Ultimate Ninja. I want you to
send every Freedom Chipper in the LNHHQ to Washington, DC. Everyone!
The President needs their help. Just trust me." The Ultimate Ninja
clicked his com.thingee off. "There. That should take care of all the
LNHHQ ones. We'll deal with the rest later. As for all of these new
members of the LNH -- I'm scratching them. We're going back to a
Pre-Beige Countdown Roster. Back to the -- I can't believe I'm saying
this -- smaller 500 member days."
"Wait!" said PR Kid. "You can't do that! I've got a whole line of
Freedom Chipper action figures ready to be made! It's going to be the
big X-mas gift of 2008! Everyone's going to want one! Let's just think
about this clearly and rationally for a moment, Okay?"
The Ultimate Ninja pointed the sharp end of his katana closely towards
PR Kid's nose. "This is me being Clear and Rational. Any questions?"
"Um, nope! Gotcha!" said PR Kid quickly backing away. He took out his
cellphone and pushed a button. "Hey Louie?! Yeah, it's me. Better
hold on production. Hey, don't worry! I'm sure a month from now cooler
heads will prevail. Yeah. Then we'll be swimming in money by X-mas
time. Yeah. Swimming! Yeah, give my love to the kids and wife. Ciao!"
"UN," said Occultism Kid making his way towards them. "I might have a
way to beat the Bryttles, but we're going to have to get the Insanity
Gauntlet and Ring of Retconn from Bart."
"Well, I guess that's what we're going to do then," said the Ultimate
Ninja already running strategies through his brain.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Mynabird walked over to a row of robotic metal arms and picked the
closest one. He snapped it on his shoulder and turned it on. He opened
the fingers and closed them. He grabbed a piece of metal off the floor
and crushed it in his new hand. Seemed to work.
He looked over at his fellow LNV'rs. "So, did we gain anything from this?"
"Yi suvved wReamicus Maximus's Brunn! Yahahahahahah!" said the Robot
with Lawrence Welk's Brain. He gestured towards a tank filled with a
slimy liquid that had a brain in it.
"Um. Okay. What else?"
"I converted 12 Freedom Chip Heroes to our cause. And both Hex Luthor
and the LNH are weaker after the..." Vector Sublime started to say.
"But Easily-Discovered Man Lite! He's still alive!" Mynabird smashed
his new fist into the wall. A crack formed. "That virus! The virus
you said Dr. Virus Love was going to create! How much longer?"
"It's almost ready -- Tomorrow, maybe," said Vector Sublime guesstimating.
"Good. Then tomorrow it happens. The Age of Heroes finally ends. And
Tomorrow it all Becomes Ours! Ours!!"
"Or maybe the Day after Tomorrow?" said Vector Sublime. "Since it might
not be ready for..."
Mynabird looked back. "Okay, then. Whichever comes first. Just as
long as Easily-Discovered Man Lite winds up dead."
**** <<--BM-->> ****
"Where did the time go?" wondered Fearless Leader. He had found himself
watching the television news broadcasts in the hospital waiting area.
Waiting for further news about Ripping Dancer. The minutes seemed to
take forever to drag by, but when he thought back he could not account
for the hours that had passed. Weird, how you could just loose track of
time like that.
The news made it pretty clear, however: several hours had passed. The
attack by the Legion on the President was all over every channel, and
now Hexadecimal Luthor was about to give a news conference. That was
when Fearless Leader realised the state of fugue he was in. The White
House had released a statement that although the President had broken
several limbs, he had received Urple Ray treatments and was now back to
full health. At this time of national crisis - which the press release
had claimed and which the newshounds had lapped up and repeated - the
President could not afford to allow any time to go to waste.
Fearless Leader almost chuckled at the grim irony. Urple Ray healing.
Derived from .thingy technology, it was ultimately driven by drama, with
all the capriciousness that it implied. And so Hex Luthor, possibly one
of the most dangerous villains the Legion had seen in recent times, and
certainly one of the most tenacious, was up and about on the same day
and preparing to make another attack in the public relations war.
Meanwhile Ripping Dancer had also been bathed in Urple Rays. The cancer
was not responding to the treatments.
He turned away from the television when the face of Limbaugh Man, his
features a splotchy lobster red from venting his outrage, came on
screen. There was nothing that the rabidly anti-LNH pundit could say
that Fearless Leader couldn't predict. Nevertheless the words of the
media commentator followed him and haunted him as he went and got
himself another cup of coffee.
"How dare they!" fulminated Limbaugh Man. "How dare these
pinko-commie-traitors attack the President like this! Have they no
shame!? Have they no decency!? Have they no gratitude!? NO!!! These
treacherous vipers have received so many benefits from the President and
the Ame.rec.an taxpayers, and this is how they repay it! Hex Luthor has
poured millions into subsidizing the LNH. They have more members and
more equipment that at any time in their misbegotten history. But mark
this well my friends, it seems that this just wasn't good enough for
them! The Legion is greedy, and wanted more. And for their power
crazed minds, the obvious way to get more was to bite the hand that fed
them and wrest control of the budget for themselves! That right, this
is nothing more than an attempt to overthrow the legitimate government
of the Usenetted States of Ame.rec.a! This is treachery of the highest
order, and these so-called heroes should be put before a firing squad
immediately!"
****<<--BM-->>****
They think it's over. They probably think that.
But he was still President, thought Hex Luthor. The Most Powerful Man
in the Free World. And he knew about enough dirty secrets and closeted
skeletons that he had control over Congress. They'd do what he told them.
And his Poll numbers were still high.
That the LNH had figured away to stop his Freedom Chips was a problem.
But from sources he still had at the LNHHQ, he knew that Dr. Stomper had
used the last of their Sincerium supply to build that bomb. And there
were no more reserves left on Earth.
No. This wasn't over.
And now he just needed to give a great speech. Scare the hell out of
the American people.
Death or Freedom Chips. He needed to make them believe that was their
only choice. Death or Freedom Chips.
And they'd choose Freedom Chips. They'd have to.
Yes, this wasn't over. Not by a long shot.
Hex adjusted his tie.
You have to do a whole lot more to stop me.
****<<--BM-->>****
"Whatta maroon!" MasterBlaster snarled and threw his own styrofoam cup
of Mr Paprika (Now there's a ticked off net.heroes pop!) at the screen,
where it spilled and left a stain across the image of Limbaugh Man's
ranting. He slumped down disgruntledly in his chair in the LNH HQ
cafeteria and loudly said, "Like it isn't as if he's supporting Hex
Luthor only because Hex is against the Legion."
Catalyst Lass pouted. "It does look as though Hex is one step ahead of
us for every move we make. Poor PR Kid is being run ragged trying to
spin this to our advantage."
"Unfortunately, PR Kid only has the truth to run with," observed
Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad.
"Don't despair! All is not yet lost!" said Retcon Lad as he and his
group made a sudden, last minute dramatic entrance. "Sorry we're late,
but we had a fight scene on the way back."
We did?" said Anal-Retentive Archive Kid sarcastically.
"Yes, we did," bit back the Net.Elementalist. "That's why you've got
bandages all over your face."
"I *mean*," countered ARAK, "what had that got to do with being late?
The whole fight only lasted half a minute. And the pilot wasn't
involved at all."
"It's just an excuse for a dramatic plot contrivance," said Fourth Wall
Lass.
"People, people, *focus*!" chided Retcon Lad. He looked around the
cafeteria. "Quick, where's WikiBoy?"
"Uh, right here," said WikiBoy.
"Great! We've got a mission for you. It's short, but vitally
important. You will carry it out, using whatever superpowers you need
to get the job done. You'll teleport yourself, this fellow, and his
lamp," said Retcon Lad, pointing at the djinni, "to where Hex Luthor is
about to make his speech."
"He's starting now!" hissed the Net.Elementalist urgently as the figure
on the television screen stepped up to the podium. "Better use time
travel!"
"And also back to *when* Hex Luthor is about to make his speech," added
Retcon Lad. "You will disguise yourselves as functionaries, so that
nobody recognises you, nor thinks that your presence at a Presidential
news conference is unusual. You will give this script to Hex Luthor,
telling him that it's the final draft of his notes for his speech."
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid took out a leaf of papers and handed it to
the bemused WikiBoy. Retcon Lad continued, "Hex Luthor will read from
those notes. When he gets to the figure of speech in the second
paragraph, his wish will literally be granted. You will then protect
him from getting lynched until such time as his own security or any
superheroes in the area can ensure his safety. You got that?"
"I guess so," said WikiBoy.
"Then scoot. Remember, the fate of the world is depending on this."
WikiBoy and his companion vanished.
As the other Legionnaires stared at them, Retcon Lad sank into a chair,
Twitter began pacing about nervously and Anal-Retentive Archive Kid
absently flipped through his Guidebook just to have something to do with
his hands. "Is there anything else that we might have forgotten?" the
Net.Elementalist asked as he continued to watch the TV screen.
"Not that I can think of," admitted ARAK.
"What are you scallywags up to?" demanded Catalyst Lass.
"Oh, you know. Saving the world," said Retcon Lad distractedly as he
watched the television. "Have we got anyone doing security detail at
the President's address? I'm pretty sure it's going to be breaking out
in a riot any second now," he said as the figure on screen began to speak.
****<<--BM-->>****
"My fellow Ame.rec.ans," began President Hex Luthor.
"I appear before you at a time of great crisis. The past few years have
been a trying time for us all. From the events of September 11 2001,
through the long months of Infinite April, and the tragic destruction of
Spamford, our nation has had to bear more than its fair share of the
burden of tragedy.
"But there is hope. There is always hope. The Ame.rec.an people are
strong, and my administration has undertaken a number of initiatives to
rest control from the chaos. There is, alas, no one quick answer. Any
response must necessarily be multifactoral and nuanced. Nevertheless, I
am confident that the measures that I have introduced will be adequate
for the task. I have worked hard at this. I have spent long hours
preparing over the best way to achieve at satisfactory outcome. The
vision I have for this nation, indeed for the entire world, is grand and
sweeping, and I would love to you to see in its entirety. I wish that
each and every person could know what I have done, and why I have done
it, and how it will affect them personally..."
And to the side of the stage, just out of camera shot but not out of
microphone range, the djinni said "DONE!" in a loud voice.
And instantly, everyone on the planet, even those who had not been
watching television at the time, knew exactly what Hex Luthor had been
doing and why he had been doing it, and how it would affect them personally.
The rioting that Retcon Lad had predicted broke out immediately, and for
the next few minutes WikiBoy had his work cut out for himself trying to
keep the President from being fragged by his own Secret Service staff.
****<<--BM-->>****
Back at the Legion of Net.Heroes headquarters, Anal-Retentive Archive
Kid, Fourth Wall Lass, Lenny, the Net.Elementalist, Retcon Lad and
Twitter were radiating vast amounts of smug. Retcon Lad and the
Net.Elementalist high fived each other. "I love it when a plan comes
together," said ARAK in his best Hannibal Smith of the A-Team impression.
"Okay, I'll admit that was #@?;*% impressive," said Innovative-Offense Boy.
"It's hardly going to shut up the likes of Limbaugh Man or Coulter
Woman," pointed out MasterBlaster.
"Mister, there's nothing in the *#!/@# world that will shut up !/^?
Limbaugh man or Coulter Woman," said Innovative-Offense Boy. "That's
not the %^@;& point. The point is that their $>#@*!?$ reputations will
be in the #=>&@ toilet for the next few weeks at *^>@#! least, and only
their &)*@!^! fellow travellers will take them seriously." He rubbed
his chin thoughtfully before turning to Catalyst Lass. "This could be
the break PR Kid needs. We *>!@&+ well need to talk with Ultimate Ninja
about taking @=!/#$% advantage of this."
"Goodness, yes," she agreed. They departed.
"So," said Retcon Lad. He struck a Significant Kirby Pose and declaimed
in a stentorian voice, "Virtue has triumphed, thanks to the efforts
of... the Bicycle Liberation Front."
"Now hold up a second, we were calling ourselves the Bicycle Liberation
Front at the big fight scene at the Freedom Chip ceremony," said
Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad. "And we had a better psychological reason
for it too."
"Did not," said Retcon Lad.
"Did too." And then the first piece of butterscotch ripple cheesecake
got thrown.
Because, like, this was the Legion of Net.Heroes, and even in the middle
of a planet threatening crisis there's always time for a food fight in
the cafeteria.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
1,001,992 BC --
April 29th --
The Planet Querty --
An old Quertian elder with a long white beard held a big jeweled crown
in his hands. He was in vast room filled with colorful silk banners and
hundreds of extravagantly dressed people, some with strange looking
musical instruments -- all standing silently as the elder spoke.
"Will you solemnly promise and swear to govern the Peoples of the ASDF,
the Caves of DFGH, The Moons of GHJK, The Cloud Cities of UIOP, The VBNM
Lava Islands, and of your Possessions and other Territories to any of
them belonging or pertaining, according to their respective laws and
customs?"
"I solemnly promise so to do," said the kneeling man.
The Elder continued. "Will you to your power cause Law and Justice, in
Mercy, to be executed in all your judgments?"
The man smirked slightly. "I will."
The Elder continued. "Will you to the utmost of your power maintain the
Laws of QWERTYUIOP and the true profession of the Gospel? Will you to
the utmost of your power maintain in the Qwertian Religion established
by law? Will you maintain and preserve inviolable the settlement of the
Church of Qwerty, and the doctrine, worship, discipline, and government
thereof, as by law established in Qwerty? And will you preserve unto the
Bishops and Clergy of Qwerty, and to the Churches there committed to
their charge, all such rights and privileges, as by law do or shall
appertain to them or any of them?"
"All this I promise to do. The things, which I have here before
promised -- I will perform, and keep. So help me QWERTYUIOP."
"Then let the anointing oils be placed."
And the anointing oils were placed on the kneeling man.
And then the crown was placed on the kneeling man's head.
"Then I name you, King Qwert-El! Protector and Defender of all that is
Qwerty! Long may you live! Please rise your Majesty!"
"That it?" said the newly crowned King. "I'm King?"
"Yes, Sire!" Cheers and jubilation rang through the room.
"Good." And the new king -- King Qwert-El -- or as the LNH knew him --
Bart the Dark Receptionist, smiled. "Bout time."
He walked over to his gigantic gold throne. "Well, guess this is where
the real fun begins." Bart laughed.
A rather long disconcerting laugh.
And the gems on his Gauntlet sparkled with madness as he laughed.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
And then Useless Background Music Character clicked the final button.
The song 'Won't get Fooled Again' by The Who started to play.
**** <<--BM-->> ****
**** <<--BM-->> ****
NEXT: THE BART AGE!
**** <<--BM-->> ****
**** <<--BM-->> ****
Credits:
Ideas for Beige Midnight by Saxon Brenton, James Enright, Lalo Martins,
Martin Phipps, Rob Rogers, and Arthur Spitzer...
Dekay and Diskolor, The Bryttle Brothers created by Todd "Scavenger"
Kogutt, used with permission...
Hexadecimal Luthor created by Chris Hare and reinvented by Saxon Brenton...
HexFire Club
Manga Man - Craig Thomas Judd
Mr. Tiddles - Saxon Brenton
Mr. Nasty (Ultimate Savior) - Martin Phipps
wReamicus Maximus (Ultimate Ninja) - wReam
Irony Man - Doug Moran
LNH'rs
Obscure Trivia Lad - Brian Perler
Bad Timing Boy - Vernon H Harmon
Bicycle Repair Lad - Chris Hare
Browsing Boy - Jeffrey Klein
Building Suspense Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Catalyst Lass - Elisabeth Riba
Captain Continuity - Mystic Mongoose
Cannon Fodder - wReam
Cheesecake Eater Lad - M. Jotham Millheiser
Dr. Stomper - T. M. Neeck
Easily-Discovered Man Lite - Rob Rogers
Fearless Leader - Dave Van Domelen
Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad
4-Color Kid - Scavenger
Fuzzy - Connie Hirsch
HellCatalyst - Jeff McCoskey
Innovative-Offense Boy -
Kid Kirby - Jameel Al Khavitz
Knife Fight Dude - Arthur Spitzer
Linguist Lass - Martin Phipps
Master Blaster -Robert Ra
Namer Boy - Arthur Spitzer
Occultism Kid - Josh Geurick
PR Kid - Jamas Enright
Psionic Lad - Carolyn Vaughan
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Renegade Programmer - wReam
Sing-Along Lass - Drizzt
Ultimate Ninja - wReam
Useless Background Music Character - Arthur Spitzer
Wikiboy - Tom Russell
wReamhacker - wReam
The Bicycle Liberation Front - Saxon Brenton
Fourth Wall Lass - Saxon Brenton
Retcon Lad - Saxon Brenton
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid - Saxon Brenton
Obnoxious Ame.rec.a Boy - Jamas Enright
Lenny the squirrel - Saxon Brenton
Net.Elementalist - Jamas Enright
Twitter - Rob Rogers
LNV'rs -
Legion of Net.Villains - Unknown
Alt.Image Ninja - Rob Rogers
Continuity Porn Star - Arthur Spitzer
Demented Fashion Designer - Drizzt
Dr. F - Arthur Spitzer
Dr. Virus Love - Arthur Spitzer
Flying.Altogether.Too.Naked.Villain - Kyle Lucke
Lagneto - Jef Kolodziej
Lucky Chain Letter Lucy - Arthur Spitzer
Mynabird (suit) - Rob Rogers
(mite) - Arthur Spitzer
Mr. Homage - Drizzt
Ripping Dancer - Arthur Spitzer
Robot with Lawrence Welk's Brain - Arthur Spitzer
Romantic Innuendo II - Martin Phipps (?)
Rumor Monger - wReam
Satan's Barber - Arthur Spitzer
Vector Sublime - Rob Rogers and Arthur Spitzer
Others -
Al-Qaeda Amerika - Saxon Brenton
ApocaLISP - Saxon Brenton
Arc - Tom Russell
Bart the Dark Receptionist - Ken Schmidt
Charlie Hustle - Rob Rogers
Dizzy Collar - Arthur Spitzer
Djinni - Saxon Brenton
Dr. Boom - The Saint
Dr. Killfile - Steven Librande
Ghost of Little-Monkey-wrench Lad - Arthur Spitzer
Ghost of Little-Monkey-wrench Lass - Arthur Spitzer
The Gothic Gorilla - Arthur Spitzer
i-Mage - Drizzt
Incredibly Stupid Man - Martin Phipps
Iron-Fisted Imam -- Saxon Brenton
LNH-Readers-Who-Are-Sick-To-Death-With-These-Damn-Neverending-Events-Liberation
Front - Arthur Spitzer
Limbaugh Man - Martin Phipps
MacLaughlin Man - wReam
Sahar - Saxon Brenton
Saviors of the Net - Arthur Spitzer
Ultimate Savior - Arthur Spitzer
The Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man - Arthur Spitzer
Arthur's Notes:
A third of the way through...
Oh and just incase you're wondering, Beige Midnight takes place around
March and April 2008...
If you're confused about this story you can read these...
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Infinite_Leadership_Crisis
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Countdown
http://www.lnhq.info/wiki/Beige_Midnight
(Probably won't help)...
25254 words... not quite as big as say Paul Hardy's massive size 44271
word Legion of Occult Heroes #7, but still pretty big. Hopefully, the
rest of the issues will be shorter.
Oh and I should point out that I did get permission from Brian Perler to
off Obscure Trivia Lad. Of course this isn't the first time that OTL
has died. Stay tune to Beige Midnight to see if this one sticks.
And the Gothic Gorilla is dead. This time for good. I know -- it's
kind of a crappy death. I guess I could claim that it's some kind of
metafictional reference to all the crappy Comic Book Deaths, but nah --
it's just crappy. The Gothic Gorilla died mostly because I didn't
really have any good ideas how to end the whole Mr. Nasty/Ultimate
Savior thread. So he died. Feel free to write any adventures he had
before Beige Midnight if you want.
I ripped the Coronation text from here...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coronation_of_the_British_monarch
'Cuz I'm lazy.
And I ripped the Hex using 9/11 for his speech from Saxon's Hex
speech... I just didn't think Saxon went far enough. So we all have Hex
to thank for saving America from Jess Willey's Grocery List...
And this issue ends the Hex's President storyline, which began way back
in Limp Asparagus Lad #45 on May 15 2002. Took long enough. Still
don't know who his Vice President is or was.
This issue also brings a number of stuff back to the status quo. No
more bad guys in charge of the LNH. The Real Ultimate Ninja is in
charge again. No more LNH'r vs LNH'r. Back to a wee 500 membership
LNH. The Evil Government story part of Beige Midnight is over. Now
onto Space Opera and Ragnarok. Tom Russell should be relieved. Wonder
if the LNHHQ will shrink down.
As for when the next issue comes out, who knows. I'm going to write
another issue of Eggplant the EMKD and a On the Deadbeat Beige Midnight
Tie in before I start working on it. I am trying to get this finished
as fast as possible. Sorry that it isn't coming out faster.
That's about it.
Arthur "Death to Beige Midnight..." Spitzer
